Hold My Heart

Only one more chapter after this! Also trigger warning.

After what happened with Vic, I was ecstatic. Not only had he forgiven me, but he told me that he loved me and we had sex! Before today, it was something that I wasn't quite sure that I was ready for, but now I'm glad that I did it. I don't regret it at all, and I hoped that Vic didn't either. I had never felt so close to someone as I had when I was with Vic. I knew with every fiber of my being that I loved him, and I couldn't believe that the feelings were returned. He was just so perfect.

After we made love - no matter how cheesy that sounds, I knew that's what it was, an act of love - Vic and I laid together on his bed for a while. We both cuddled up under his sheets, still completely naked. It wasn't exactly a sexual kind of nudity anymore, it was more so just complete openness. We both had nothing to hide, and wanted every part of each other. He eventually had to drive me home, and now here we are, still sitting in his parked car outside my house.

"I love you, Vic," I said as I captured his lips in a quick chaste kiss. Before I could move though, Vic put his hand behind my head and kept me there, not allowing me to leave.

"I love you too, baby. I don't want you to go," he pouted. I blushed.

"I know. But my uncle's going to be pissed. I was supposed to be home two hours ago," I said.

"Okay, text me when you get inside," Vic insisted. I rolled my eyes. He was so protective of me, but I couldn't deny that I loved it.

"Fine. Now get out of here," I joked while poking his chest. I climbed out of the car and waved as Vic pulled away. I bit my lip to stifle a grin as I opened the front door and stepped inside. The last time I was in this house, I had been a virgin. I had never had sex with Vic, had never been so close to him. My heart leaped at the thought, but the happy moment was soon cut short when I heard the sound of glass smashing in another room. Billie came storming into the living room, obviously fuming about something, but he stopped in his tracks when he saw me.

"You? Where the fuck were you? You were supposed to be home hours ago!" he roared. I took note of the slight slur in his words, and realized that he was probably drunk. That would explain why he was so angry; he usually wouldn't care if I came home late. I knew that he hadn't stuck to his 'no alcohol' rule, and I told myself that I would talk to him about it later, but now was not the time. Billie was obviously angry, and that had me on edge.

"I - I'm sorry. I was just out with a friend," I stuttered. Dammit, Kellin, don't be so nervous. You're fine. Billie's not really mad at you, it's just the alcohol talking.

"You were out with a friend? Was it that damn Vic kid again? Are you two fucking?" he asked. Yes.

"No, of course not!" I lied, but I could tell that he saw right through it. I had never been a very skillful liar.

"You could do a lot better than him, you know," Billie said in a bored tone. I frowned. That comment hit a nerve. I knew that I was lucky to have Vic. He had helped me through so much, and I probably wouldn't be alive without him.

"What do you mean I could do better than him?" I asked defensively. Billie chuckled and shook his head. He took a few steps forward, stumbling in his drunken state.

"Look at you, getting all mad because I insulted your pretty little boyfriend. You're wasting your time with him. He doesn't care about you as much as you think he does. You're whole relationship is worthless," Billie rambled. My jaw dropped.

"You don't know what you're talking about! You don't even know him! It's not our fault that your relationships never work out because you're a drunk!" I snapped. I don't even know where that last part came from. I was never one to lash out. Anger flashed in Billie's eyes and he stepped in front of me, getting right in my face. I instantly regretted what I said. "I - I'm - "

"No, you listen here you little piece of shit! You don't get to talk to me like that!" he roared, and I flinched. He was really scaring me and I felt like I should run, but I couldn't. I just had to stand and take it. "You're the one who has no idea what they're talking about! You're just a whining little bitch who needs to face the fact that no one gives a shit about you, not even your parents! Just shut the fuck up!" he shouted.

Before I could react, I felt a strong hand slap me across he face and my head flung sideways. Tears started brimming in my eyes, not only from the pain, but because it sank in that my uncle just hit me. Billie was someone that I had always trusted. Even when he would get drunk before and yell at me, he never hit me. Out of everyone that I could have lived with after my parents died, I had been glad that I was put with Uncle Billie. But now all of that comfort had vanished in an instant. I looked wearily up into his eyes and saw all of the anger disappear immediately, instead being replaced by regret.

"Oh my God, Kellin I - "

I couldn't hide the whimper that came out when the first few tears fell. I quickly wiped them away and ducked past Billie. I ran up the stairs to my room, locking the door behind me for good measure. I didn't think he would hit me again, but I definitely didn't want to talk to him. I thought about texting Vic, but I didn't know if I wanted anyone to know that Billie hit me. I knew that I should probably tell someone, but I could tell that Billie regretted it, plus he was really drunk. But was that enough of an excuse?

-------------------

The next morning went by just like any morning would have as I prepared for school. I showered, got dressed, did my hair, ate breakfast, etc., but there was tension in the house from what happened the night before. I didn't dare walk into the same room as Billie, let alone talk to him about what happened. I was terrified to be honest. I think Billie was trying to avoid me too because he never came into any room where he knew that I would be, and he could have easily found me sometime this morning, but he didn't. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.

When Vic pulled up in my drive, I got into his car silently, not even bothering to say hello. I wasn't quite sure what I was feeling to be honest. I was angry at Billie for hitting me, and also terrified that he would do it again, but at the same time I didn't want to be taken away from him. He was the one who took me in when my parents died, and I was still grateful for that.

"Well hey there, sunshine," Vic joked, noticing my somber mood. I looked at him and half-smiled, but either he didn't notice or it wasn't very convincing because Vic's forehead bore down in a frown.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," I whispered. The rest of the ride was filled with awkward small talk as Vic drove. He tried to pry my troubles from me without being a nuisance, but after a while he could tell that I wasn't going to budge, and nothing more was said on the subject.

When we got to school I was prepared to tell Vic everything. I had rehearsed in my head several times exactly what to say and I wanted to make sure that it didn't come out sounding worse than it had to, because I was still conflicted on what to do. As I opened my mouth to take a deep breath, Vic spoke.

"We should probably get to class," he said bluntly. I closed my mouth and bit my lip, deciding that maybe telling him now wasn't for the best. I nodded and undid my seat-belt. I got out of the car and turned around, waiting for Vic to follow me so that we could walk into the building together, but he was still seated in the front seat of the car.

"It's okay, you can go on ahead. I have some homework to catch up on," he called out. I shrugged and started towards the building. For a moment I forgot about everything that happened yesterday at school. I forgot that everyone knew that I was gay. But a certain bully was able to jog my memory when he pushed me to the floor as soon as I set foot in the building. My notebook flew from my hands and when I crawled over to pick it up, Jeremy snickered.

"I bet you're used to being on your knees, aren't you, faggot?" he called. I grimaced and composed myself as I stood, shoving past Jeremy to go to my first class where I would wait for Vic.

The first half of the day went by slowly. I continued to get mocked and stared at just as I had before, but I didn't mind it as much now. I knew that I had Vic by my side, even if everyone else didn't know. By the time lunch came around, I was already itching to go home. When the bell rang signaling for us to leave class, I packed up my things as slowly as I could to avoid the crowded hallways on my way to the cafeteria. As I walked down the hall, which was now thankfully mostly empty, my eyes fell upon a strangely familiar face standing in the doorway leading to the side parking lot. At first I couldn't put my finger on where I'd seen him before, but then I realized that he was the guy I met at the park over the weekend: Alex. I smiled and gave him a slight wave as his eyes fell on me.

"Hey, Kellin right?" he called.

"Yeah, I didn't know you went to school here," I replied, walking towards him.

"Oh, I don't. I'm just here to pay someone a visit. I'm glad I ran into you though," he said.

"Oh really? Why is that?" I asked curiously.

"Well, maybe you could tell me where your faggot ass boyfriend is," Alex replied coldly. I frowned.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I heard from behind me, and I immediately knew whose voice it was.

"Ah Vic, buddy, how convenient!" Alex exclaimed sarcastically. Vic's eyes were filled with anger as he stormed over to us.

"Kellin, why the hell are you talking to him?" he asked. I was totally lost, so I just shrugged as I had forgotten how to form words.

"Aww, you aren't getting jealous now, are you Vicky?" Alex taunted.

"No, I'm not getting jealous, I'm just confused as to why my boyfriend and my asshole of an ex are talking," Vic said. It suddenly hit me. Alex had mentioned before that he was gay, and I knew that Vic's ex's name was Alex. Dammit, I'm so stupid! Why didn't I think of it before?

"Oh, Kellin didn't tell you? We had a hot date at the park on Friday under the moonlight. It was super romantic," Alex lied.

"You shut the fuck up! Why won't you just leave me the fuck alone?!" Vic exclaimed. The only other time I had seen him this fired up was when he thought I had cheated on him, and even then he wasn't this mad. The other day he was confused and hurt, but now he was just downright vicious.

"Hmm, but what's the fun in that Vicky? You really do ruin everything. You're such a party pooper," he taunted. This guy was starting to piss me off. I knew what he did to Vic, and yet he pretends that he is the victim here?

"See Kellin, that's the thing about most guys, especially Vic. He'll pretend to care about you, and then he'll break your heart and eventually you'll realize that nobody really cares about you at all. Not Vic, not your parents, no one. You're all alone, and you just have to accept it."

I felt a knot form in my stomach at his words. Was it true? Am I really all alone? I knew that my parents were gone, and they were never coming back. I thought about all the times that Billie told me that they killed themselves in that car to get away from me. Was I really that awful to be around? I looked to Vic for some kind of comfort, a loving glance or an apology or something, but he was too busy glaring daggers into Alex. Without another word I bolted out the door and headed straight home.

-------------------

I rubbed the tears from my eyes and opened up the medicine cabinet behind the mirror. It was filled with all kinds of pills and cough syrups since Billie would sometimes take them to get high. I pulled out a random orange container and downed all the contents. I didn't know what had come over me. Everything just built up in that moment and it all became too much. I didn't just want to get high and forget, I wanted it all to end. I wanted to be with my parents again, that is, if they want to see me. I highly doubt that though. No one wants to be around me.

After pulling off my shirt, I searched blindly for my razor blade under the counter and pulled it out, bringing the sharp item to my forearm. I couldn't understand why I had wanted to get rid of this before. I deserved the pain, the blood, the scars, everything. Before I knew it, I had blood running down my arms from God-knows-where. There really weren't very many places that weren't bleeding; I just couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop.

I tried to quickly undo my pants, but my hands were trembling, from the pain in my arms or the pills, I didn't know. I finally was able to undo the button and tugged the skinny jeans down my legs. I picked up the blade again and dragged it across my thigh. It went in a lot deeper than I meant for it to, but I didn't really care. I suddenly felt my stomach lurch and got extremely dizzy. I tried to make my way over to the bathtub to sit in it, but I stumbled. My hands flew out in front of me to stop the impact of my had against the side of the tub, but my arms were too weak to hold me up and I ended up bashing my forehead against it. I slumped down on the floor and started to lose consciousness as the throbbing in my head overwhelmed me, and all I remember was the faint sound of my name being called and the taste of blood in my mouth.

There was just blood. So much blood.