Hold My Heart

TRIGGER WARNING

The next morning on the bus, I was planning to sit next to Jesse because I wasn't too sure if Vic's niceness on the bus the day before was a one time thing or not. But as soon as I walked on, Vic smiled at me and motioned for me to sit with him. I looked over at Jesse, who was sitting on the other side and back a few seats. He was asleep, so I didn't think he would mind if I ditched him. I sat down next to Vic and smiled.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked. I shrugged.

"Not much, just tired," I replied.

"Yeah me too," he said, and we both fell into a silence. The bus went around a sharp corner, and I fell over to the side, accidentally leaning on Vic. He smelled really good, like he was wearing cologne. I quickly pushed myself off of him.

"Sorry," I muttered. He laughed under his breath.

"It's okay."

The bus made another sharp turn, and I gripped onto the back of the seat in front of me to keep from sliding into Vic again. We didn't talk much for the rest of the bus ride, and when we arrived at school, I leaped up from my seat and rushed off of the bus. I was overcome with embarrasment from the incident earlier. I was basically laying on him! I hated how awkward I was sometimes.

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The next few days were surprisingly okay. I continued to get closer to both Jesse and Vic, which made school bearable. My crush on Vic also got stronger, but I hoped that it didn't show. I didn't want to scare him off yet, especially since he was so popular, and no one dared make fun or me for fear that they would anger Vic. I still hadn't figured out why he had suddenly started being nice to me, but I didn't really care anymore. Things were different for Jesse though, in terms of popularity. People would throw things at him during lunch and call him names, but he acted like he didn't care. He said that he was used to it, which broke my heart a little bit. I could tell that people wanted to say stuff to me too for hanging out with him, but they didn't. They just gave me glares from across the room.

Home, however, was a different story. I realized quickly that my Uncle Billie liked to party a lot, and he would often come home drunk or stoned. I didn't mind it that much, because that meant that I could have time home alone to do whatever I wanted, but I started to learn to stay away from him while he was intoxicated. He would get upset very easily, and when he got upset, he would get violent. He never hit me or anything, but he would throw things around the living room, and when I tried to help him, he would yell at me. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, though.

It was now Thursday night, two weeks after I had moved here. Billie was out drinking with his friends, and I was sitting in my room listening to music and playing on my computer. I suddenly heard the front door slam shut, and the TV turn on and I knew that my uncle was home. I decided to go downstairs and get something to eat, just so that I could check on him. Once I reached the bottom of the stairs I saw Billie sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television screen. He turned towards me and frowned.

"What are you still doing here?" he slurred.

"I live here, Uncle Billie. Remember?" I said, trying to keep him calm. That made him frown even more.

"Oh yeah. I forgot my sister left me her brat," he said to himself. I turned and went into the kitchen, trying not to act hurt. He insulted me sometimes when he was drunk, and he always apologized later, but the way he said that my mom 'left me here' made it seem like it was all her fault, and that hurt. He knew damn well that it wasn't her fault that she and my father died. I felt a tear escape down my cheek as I started to think about my parents, and I rushed upstairs. I knew what I was about to do. I had tried to stop. I hadn't done it in about a week, but I couldn't stop myself right now. My head was spinning and my gut was wrenched with pain. I was so sad that I felt like I was going to be sick.

I made my way into the upstairs bathroom which was right next to my room. Once inside, I turned and locked the door so that Billie couldn't get in. I didn't think he would try, but I couldn't risk him seeing this.

I searched around in the cabinets under the sink until I found a small bag of toiletries that I brought with me. I opened it and pulled out one small, sharp blade. I set it down on the floor next to me and quickly took off my shirt. I wasn't going to do this on my wrists because it would be too noticeable. Once I was sitting there in only my jeans, I picked the blade up again and made a small cut on my side. It wasn't too deep, and only a little blood came out, but it still stung. I did it once more right below it, and that one went just a little deeper. Several tears escaped my eyes, and I set down the blade on the counter. I stood up and stared at myself. I instantly hated the sight, just like usual. I was too skinny, too pale, too ugly. Everything was wrong with me.

I turned slightly to look at my side in the mirror. A very small stream of blood was running a few inches down my torso. I quickly wiped it away and grabbed some toilet paper to put over it to stop the bleeding. I washed off the blade and put it back in the bag under the sink. I hoped that Billie would never find it. I didn't know how I would explain that to him. After the bleeding stopped, I took a wet washcloth and gently cleaned the wounds, then slipped my shirt back on and went into my room. I lied down in my bed and fell asleep instantly.

The next day, I woke up and went to school just like any other day. I tried to forget about what I'd done yesterday, like I always did. Vic no longer rode the bus since he got his car back, so I sat with Jesse. There were now two thin scabs on my side, and they would start to hurt every so often, but I ignored it and hoped that no one noticed that I was in any pain. I wanted to stay distracted tonight so that I didn't feel compelled to do it again, so I asked Jesse to come over, but he said that he was going out of town with his family this weekend.

When I walked into first period, I sat down at my desk and smiled at Vic.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," he replied. After a minute, he said, "So, do you know that girl Amy? I think she's in your second period."

"Yeah, I think so. Why?" I asked, fearing the answer. I was afraid that he would tell me that he had a crush on her, and then I would be incredibly jealous. Yes, I still had a gigantic crush on Vic. Every time that we talked, I noticed something else about him that made him more attractive, like his big, adorable brown eyes, or his nose ring, or his smile. I knew that there was no chance that he would like me, but I also didn't want anyone else to have him.

"Well, I think she has a crush on you."

Oh. I guess that's not as bad as him having a crush on her. I still didn't want this Amy girl to like me either since I'm gay and it wasn't ever going to work out.

"Really? Are you sure?" I asked, hoping that it was just a guess and not something that he knew for sure.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think you should ask her out," he said encouragingly. I smiled half-heartedly.

"I don't know. I'm just not really into her," I replied, hoping that he would leave it alone.

"Oh, come on. She's super hot. I think you would like her," he said. I sighed. I didn't want to tell him the truth yet, but I also didn't want to lie to him.

"Vic, it's not that. It's just that . . . I don't like girls," I said quietly. His expression completely changed. He went from all joking and happy to serious in a matter of seconds.

"Oh," he said. At the same time, Mr. Cress walked to the front of the room to begin class. I tried to pay attention to what he was saying, but the entire hour, I just kept looking at Vic out of the corner of my eye. His expression never changed. I was worried that he was homophobic or something and didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I guess that if that was the case, then he wouldn't be worth talking to anyway, but I still liked him. When class ended, I tried to talk to him, but he packed up his books and ran out of class before I could even get a word out.

I spent the rest of the day in a bad mood. I wasn't trying to push Vic away by telling him that. I was trying to bring him closer by telling him the truth about me. Jesse could tell that I was upset, but I didn't tell him what was going on because I didn't want him to have the same reaction as Vic. Then another thought crossed my mind. Vic was the most popular guy in school. If he was against being gay and wanted to humiliate me, he could tell the entire school. It took a lot of courage to come out to Vic alone, and I knew I wasn't ready for the entire school to know.

On my way to the bus after school, I saw Vic talking to one of his friends in the parking lot. I decided to take the opportunity to talk to him now, because the sooner I knew where he stood, the better. I quickly walked over to his car where he was standing, and got there just as his other friend left.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" I asked.

"Uh, I guess," he replied. I started to get really nervous. All of the friendliness that he had been showing me the past two weeks was completely gone.

"Look, about what I told you in class, I just want to know if you're okay with it, becau-"

"Kellin, stop. I just . . . I don't think this friendship is going to work out, okay? I'm sorry," he said. I tried to keep my composure as I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I swallowed and nodded.

"Okay. Bye then, I guess," I muttered, and turned around to walk to the bus. By the time I got to it and turned around to look at him, his car was gone.