‹ Prequel: I'm Not Doing Anything Stupid
Status: 3/3
I Could Have Saved You
1
"Alex, I'm so sorry your friend Jack he's, he's gone sweety. He hung himself."
I told you Jack, I fucking told you not to do anything stupid. I told you I still cared. I told you everything I could, I said everything I could. I told you, you weren't stupid or worthless. I told you your mom was an abusive alcoholic that took you for granted. I told you she couldn't ask for a better son and if she had even half a brain she'd realize that. I told you the kids that bullied you were ignorant pricks that took advantage of you because you're too good of a person to ever sink to their level and fight back.
I told you I loved you, I told you so many times but you never fucking listened. Why couldn't you just listen? I read your note, I know you probably thought I wouldn't but I did. You said I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore that I'd probably stopped worrying long ago. You were wrong. You think I stopped "worrying" about you? I never even stopped loving you. You were my everything and I tried so hard to tell you that.
God dammit Jack I tried so fucking hard.
All I wanted was to make you feel loved. All I wanted was just once for you to say "I love you too, Alex." But you never did, all you ever said was that I couldn't save you. All you ever did was repeat the hurtful words other people said to you back to me. "I'm stupid, Alex." "I'm worthless." "Nobody cares about me." Do you know how bad that hurts? Do you know how it feels when you tell someone you love them and they tell you no one cares about them?
But I know I can't even be mad at you because you do know how it feels. You've known more pain than anyone I know. I know that it broke you down the constant beatings, the harsh words, the doubt that other people put in your head and heart. The doubt that you could ever be loved, that someone could ever genuinely like you for who you were. I guess in the end I was just another one of those people, another person that you were supposed to be able to trust that let you down.
I didn't want to break up with you. After you left I stood in the same spot for hours waiting for you to come back and say "Wait we can make this work, I love you, I don't want to lose you." But you never came back so I picked up the pieces of my heart and went home. Seeing you the next day killed me and after I told you not to do anything stupid, after I told you I still cared, I needed a break.
It was a lie you know, when I said I didn't love you like I used to, it was a lie. I still loved you with all my heart. I still love you with all my heart. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you as much but I couldn't take seeing you, I couldn't handle knowing that I was ready to give you everything but you would never return any of it. It was just a few days I didn't know this would happen, please, you have to believe me I didn't know this would happen.
The worst part is not knowing where you are. I spend every day looking for you. Where are you Jack? It's not your fault all this happened no one ever taught you what love was, so how could you know if you had it? Love is a two-way thing Jack you needed me and I think you sort of understood that but I needed you too and you definitely didn't understand that part. I know you didn't understand it because I read your note what you did didn't make my life easier, you never dragged me down, I never felt like I was wasting my time on you but you couldn't understand that because I spent too much time telling you I loved you and not enough time explaining to you what that meant.
I'm trying so hard to forgive you. I'm trying so hard to stop thinking about all those things I told you. I'm trying so hard Jack. I was always trying so hard. I wanted to show you what love was so bad. I wanted to save you. I wanted to make you better so that one day we could tell our kids about how brave you were. I wanted to tell them about how you survived all the the things you went through and became their wonderful father.
I loved you Jack. The world you lived in, the hell people put you through, it wasn't fair. You deserved better and I tried to tell you that, show you that, make you believe that. I wanted to be your better world. I wanted to save you and I should have worked harder because I know I could have done it.
I could have saved you.
I told you Jack, I fucking told you not to do anything stupid. I told you I still cared. I told you everything I could, I said everything I could. I told you, you weren't stupid or worthless. I told you your mom was an abusive alcoholic that took you for granted. I told you she couldn't ask for a better son and if she had even half a brain she'd realize that. I told you the kids that bullied you were ignorant pricks that took advantage of you because you're too good of a person to ever sink to their level and fight back.
I told you I loved you, I told you so many times but you never fucking listened. Why couldn't you just listen? I read your note, I know you probably thought I wouldn't but I did. You said I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore that I'd probably stopped worrying long ago. You were wrong. You think I stopped "worrying" about you? I never even stopped loving you. You were my everything and I tried so hard to tell you that.
God dammit Jack I tried so fucking hard.
All I wanted was to make you feel loved. All I wanted was just once for you to say "I love you too, Alex." But you never did, all you ever said was that I couldn't save you. All you ever did was repeat the hurtful words other people said to you back to me. "I'm stupid, Alex." "I'm worthless." "Nobody cares about me." Do you know how bad that hurts? Do you know how it feels when you tell someone you love them and they tell you no one cares about them?
But I know I can't even be mad at you because you do know how it feels. You've known more pain than anyone I know. I know that it broke you down the constant beatings, the harsh words, the doubt that other people put in your head and heart. The doubt that you could ever be loved, that someone could ever genuinely like you for who you were. I guess in the end I was just another one of those people, another person that you were supposed to be able to trust that let you down.
I didn't want to break up with you. After you left I stood in the same spot for hours waiting for you to come back and say "Wait we can make this work, I love you, I don't want to lose you." But you never came back so I picked up the pieces of my heart and went home. Seeing you the next day killed me and after I told you not to do anything stupid, after I told you I still cared, I needed a break.
It was a lie you know, when I said I didn't love you like I used to, it was a lie. I still loved you with all my heart. I still love you with all my heart. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you as much but I couldn't take seeing you, I couldn't handle knowing that I was ready to give you everything but you would never return any of it. It was just a few days I didn't know this would happen, please, you have to believe me I didn't know this would happen.
The worst part is not knowing where you are. I spend every day looking for you. Where are you Jack? It's not your fault all this happened no one ever taught you what love was, so how could you know if you had it? Love is a two-way thing Jack you needed me and I think you sort of understood that but I needed you too and you definitely didn't understand that part. I know you didn't understand it because I read your note what you did didn't make my life easier, you never dragged me down, I never felt like I was wasting my time on you but you couldn't understand that because I spent too much time telling you I loved you and not enough time explaining to you what that meant.
I'm trying so hard to forgive you. I'm trying so hard to stop thinking about all those things I told you. I'm trying so hard Jack. I was always trying so hard. I wanted to show you what love was so bad. I wanted to save you. I wanted to make you better so that one day we could tell our kids about how brave you were. I wanted to tell them about how you survived all the the things you went through and became their wonderful father.
I loved you Jack. The world you lived in, the hell people put you through, it wasn't fair. You deserved better and I tried to tell you that, show you that, make you believe that. I wanted to be your better world. I wanted to save you and I should have worked harder because I know I could have done it.
I could have saved you.