Lungs

I found that my forgiveness and understanding were wearing alarmingly thin when Juice didn’t come home that night. His cell phone went straight to voicemail when I called; he was probably avoiding me if it was some club thing that kept him out.

I spent the day at home, avoiding anything that might make me think of the club. I was quickly losing faith in the lot of them. As far as I was concerned, it was their fault that Juice was behaving this way.

When he didn’t come home the next night, my frustration turned to a boiling worry. I had to return to work, as the inventory was finished and I was still trying to get back in Keith’s good books.

Every time the bell over the door sounded, I looked up in expectation. It was never Juice. The day drug on longer than any other, and my stomach was in such tight, anxious knots that I continuously felt on the verge of vomiting.

About halfway through the afternoon, Chibs came in. He pushed his sunglasses from his eyes and up onto the top of his head. He looked grim, and my mouth went dry.

“Is he okay?” It was the only sentence that I could muster up.

Chibs leaned over the counter, looking down at me with a frown. “I don’t know, love. We haven’t heard from him in two days. We’ve checked the cop shop and everything. They said he got picked up, but he was released. Do you know where he is?”

My breath got lost somewhere between my chest and my mouth. “Do you think…?” The unfinished question hung in the air like a heavy winter frost.

“No,” he shook his head firmly. “He wouldn’t.”

“He did, though,” I argued in horror. “He did before.”

“No, Lexi, don’t think that way. He would do anything to keep you.”

I felt even more ill than I had before. “Then why would he disappear?”

“It had to be something important.”

“If he was doing what was important, he would have come home. He knows that I’ve had enough. Chibs, I don’t know what to do here anymore. I gave him a chance and he isn’t here to take it. Maybe I should just go,” I finished quietly.

“You can’t do that,” he chided me softly. “Look what happened last time.”

I looked up at him, feeling like I’d been cut wide open in front of him. “What if he did it? What if he doesn’t come back this time?”

Chibs walked around the front desk, grabbing me by the wrists and hauling me to my feet. He crushed me against his chest, petting my hair as he embraced me. “He didn’t. He’ll come home.”

“I can’t breathe when I think about it,” I confessed as I dug my fingernails into the leather of his cut.

“We’ll take care of you. And him, too. It’ll be alright, love.”

“Whoa, what did I just walk in on?”

Chibs and I split apart, and I turned around to see Marla walking out from the back. I hadn’t told her that Juice was missing, but she knew that I had been on edge all day. Still, there was a teasing shimmer in her dark eyes as she pushed her black and blue bangs out of her eyes.

She winked at me. “Making your way through the ranks, are you?”

My eyes drifted back to Chibs’. “Can we finish this later?”

“Oh, don’t let me interrupt. Carry on,” Marla said as she grabbed the stool I’d vacated and made herself comfortable.

Chibs ignored her. “If he isn’t home when you get there, come stay with me. I worry about you, you know.”

I nodded, but I knew that I wasn’t going to bother him that night, no matter what. I wouldn’t be staying with anyone, if I could avoid it. I usually went to Jax’s when I needed a place to get away, but now even that wasn’t an option. He and Tara had gone away for awhile in order to get a feel for how life could be somewhere else. He was as good as gone now. Without him, I felt so alone.

Chibs kissed my forehead before he left. He pushed his sunglasses back down over his eyes as he disappeared onto the street outside.

“What was that about?” Marla asked, not even bothering to hide her curiosity.

I shook my head. “I don’t even know anymore.”

She seemed to sense that I wasn’t going to give her anything more. She scratched at her lip absently. “Is it time for you to use this job as a way out?”

I couldn’t understand why she sounded so casual about the whole thing. “I don’t know. I really hope not. But maybe.” I sighed deeply. “Probably, actually.”

“Give me a couple of days to fudge your paperwork, okay? You can’t get anywhere in life if you’re still an apprentice.”

My eyebrows shot up. “You would do that for me?”

Marla waved a hand, as if she hardly considered it a bother. “I really like you, Lexi. I want something in your life to go right. But for the love of God, don’t tell me what kind of trouble you’re in. None of us need any more shit on our plates. I’ll get Keith to help me, and we’ll make sure you get enough hours on paper.”

“Thanks, Marla. That’s really cool of you.”

She nodded. “Someone has to have your back, kid. Someone outside of the club.”

On my way home, I swung by the police station. The woman seated behind the front desk didn’t even look up to acknowledge my presence. I knew that I should have been polite, especially since I desperately needed the police to want to help me, but I found that I was in no mood to pretend to like anyone. I passed through the reception area and headed straight back toward the offices.

“Miss, you can’t go back there!” The receptionist called out as I strode past her. I didn’t bother looking back. If she sent security after me, so be it.

“You seen Juice?” I asked, bypassing any pleasantries as I stuck my head into Roosevelt’s office.

“Juice?”

I could tell by the insincerity in his eyes that he was playing dumb. My jaw tightened. “Yeah, Juan Carlos. You know, the guy with the Mohawk that you keep dragging in here for some reason?”

“Your boyfriend,” he said with a nod.

“Is he here?” I continued, ignoring his statement.

He shook his bald head. “You know, you’re not the first person to come in here looking for him. You seem like a nice girl-”

“No I don’t,” I interrupted. “Don’t start telling me to find myself a new boyfriend. And don’t you dare tell me that you’re innocent here. You’ve been picking on him. And I don’t know what you’ve got on him, or what you’ve told him, but you should know that-”

“I know,” he cut me off just as impatiently as I had him. “He’s unstable.”

I faltered. I hadn’t expected him to know about what Juice had done, let alone be so open about it. I fumbled with my response for a moment before I managed to come up with something to say.

“He was fine before you started in on him,” I managed. “He came home from Stockton, and everything was perfect. I went from expecting a proposal to being on constant suicide watch in just over a week. You’re the reason that the most kind-hearted person in Charming almost killed himself. I really hope that you can live with yourself if he…” I took a deep, steadying breath. “If he doesn’t get better,” I finished lamely.

The receptionist seemed to have taken her sweet time in coming back to see where I’d gone. She stuck her head in the door. “I’m sorry, sir, she slipped past me. I’ll get someone to remove her.”

“Don’t,” Roosevelt held up a hand, as if the command needed a physical illustration. “She has every right to be upset with me. She won’t be any trouble.”

The woman didn’t look convinced, but she gave in and left the office. I looked back at Roosevelt, feeling for the first time something that was close to respect. I shuddered at the thought.

“I really am sorry for everything that’s happened with Juan Carlos,” he apologized.

“I’m not the one that deserves to hear that. You have no idea what his life is like outside of this station. I don’t know what you said to him, but you destroyed him. Home was his safe haven; he came to me for everything. And now he’s shut me out. He’s not the kind of person that can bottle things up.”

Roosevelt opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by the phone on his desk springing to life. He grabbed the handset and pressed it to his ear. He spoke in a low tone that was all business.

I felt ready to collapse from stress as his eyes flickered over to me repeatedly throughout the quiet conversation. How could I assume anything but the worst? I slumped back against the wall behind me, trying to force myself to breathe at a normal rate.

The sheriff hung up the phone and folded his hands atop his desk. “Miss Teller, I think you should go to the hospital.”

My knees completely gave way. I managed to catch myself by grabbing onto the back of the nearest chair. I held myself up, trying my best to force air in and out of my lungs.

Roosevelt moved quickly. He was around his desk in a flash, holding me up by my shoulders. “It’s not Juice,” he explained in a rush. “It’s Tara Knowles. Her hand was slammed in a van door and she’s going for surgery. Apparently, it was an attempted abduction. I know she’s engaged to your brother, so I thought you should be there.”

I managed to stand upright, though my legs were still shaky. “Tara?” I asked dumbly. “But she’s not even in Charming.”

“She requested to be brought to St. Thomas.”

My mind worked hard to catch up. I managed to consider the repercussions that the injury might have for Tara. “It wasn’t her right hand, was it?”

Roosevelt shook his head a tiny bit. “I don’t know.”

I pulled away from him. “I’ve got to go,” I said. He let his hands fall away from my shoulders as I ducked out of his office. My head was still spinning from the panic I’d felt a moment before. I likely shouldn’t have been driving, but I made my way to the hospital anyway.

I was just pulling into the parking lot when my cell phone rang. I threw the car into park, but the tremors raked through me again when I saw who was calling. With clumsy fingers, I managed to answer the phone and press it to my ear.

“Where are you?”

“At the clubhouse,” Juice’s voice was tired and heavy.

I looked out through the car window toward the hospital. Mom was walking out through the automatic glass doors, running a hand through her dark hair in exasperation. “I’m busy, Juice, I can’t do this right-”

“Let me explain-”

“You had the chance to do that two fucking days ago-”

“I swear it’s not my fault. I wanted to be home-”

“But you weren’t!” I yelled suddenly, cutting him off for the final time and stopping us from talking over one another any longer. “I haven’t heard a word from you; your cell phone has been turned off! And all this just days after you tried to kill yourself? What was I supposed to think?”

There was a pregnant pause through the phone line. I was actually beginning to think the connection had failed when I heard him inhale sharply.

“Can we talk about this tonight?”

“That depends; are you going to be there?” I could tell from the silence that followed that I had hurt him. That had been my intention, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of remorse. “Look, I want to talk about this,” I began again, softening my aggressive tone. “Really, I do. But I can’t right now. And I definitely can’t over the phone.”

“I… Just don’t give up on me yet, okay? I can explain all this.” Juice sounded desperate.

“I’ve got to go,” I said faintly.

“I love you.”

I sat with the phone pressed to my ear, my fingers holding on just a little too tightly. “I know,” I said finally. I hung up, feeling hollow. There was no time to wallow in my own self-pity, though, as I could see that Mom had spotted my car and was heading my way. I clambered out of the driver’s seat and met her halfway across the parking lot.

“Did Jax call you?” Mom asked, her words crashing together haphazardly with the speed of her speech. “Because I swear, Lexi, I can’t handle anything else right now. If you’re here because you’re sick, just lie to me.”

“Jax didn’t call me, but I heard about Tara. How is she?”

“Still in surgery. I heard you yelling clear across the parking lot; everything okay?” she plunged her hands into her pockets.

I shook my head. “No. But that’s not important right now.”

“No, come on, what’s wrong?” she pressed. I was pretty sure that she needed a distraction from whatever it was that she was thinking about.

“Juice is back at the clubhouse,” I informed her reluctantly, waving a hand as if the whole thing wasn’t eating me up inside. “He wanted to talk, and I said I don’t have time right now.”

“Oh, baby,” Mom put a comforting arm around my shoulders, smiling in sympathy. “You’ll work it out.”

“Mom,” I tried to sound reasonable. “He disappeared for two days and didn’t even return my phone calls.”

She scoffed as we began to walk back toward the hospital. “You think your father didn’t disappear from time to time?”

I shrugged out from under her arm. “I don’t think I can do it, though. I’m not as tough as you. That’s why I wound up with Juice. He’s the one guy that I know for sure would never cheat on me while they’re out of town.”

“You’re tougher than you give yourself credit for. You stuck around for a hell of a lot more than Lyla did.” Mom settled for resting a hand on my shoulder, though the weightlessness of her touch told me that she was fully prepared for me to pull away again.

“Not really. Juice didn’t cheat on me with some stupid porn star. And he had ample opportunity. There was a time when one lived with us,” I added, a humourless smile on my lips. “I might not handle it any better than she did.”

“Well you can’t handle it much worse than breaking a girl’s nose with a skateboard.”

I wanted to tell Mom everything, but I knew that I couldn’t. Once she knew, Clay would know. And Clay could never find out all that Juice had done.

I pursed my lips. “I’m sure I’ll find a way to have a much more frightening reaction.”