Lungs

Mom left the hospital shortly after Tara was out of surgery. She was still unconscious, but I felt like I couldn’t leave her there alone. I noticed that the operation had been executed on her right hand. This was going to destroy her surgery career.

I felt ice rush through my veins as I realized that she might get stuck in Charming if her hand didn’t heal properly. Jax had even fewer marketable skills than I did. If Tara couldn’t work, they would be hard pressed to keep living the sort of lifestyle that they were accustomed to.

I hadn’t realized that I actually wanted them to get out until that moment. I had told Juice that I didn’t want my kids to have a childhood like mine, but it wasn’t until then that I realized that I wanted better for Abel and Thomas, too. Jax had to get them out before it was too late.

My brother showed up just as Tara came to. I left the two of them together, but I remained in the corridor. After a few moments, I heard a horrifying, tortured screaming coming from within the hospital room. My heart stopped.

Jax joined me in the hallway, looking utterly destroyed. He met my curious stare with a shake of his blond head. His eyes were glassy; I hadn’t seen my brother cry in years. I stepped out of his way.

Roosevelt approached, but before he could even speak, Jax cut him off.

“Not now.”

The sheriff rounded the corner, disappearing again. Jax turned back to me. Wordlessly, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He hung on for just a couple of seconds before the sound of approaching footsteps made him let me go.

I turned to see most of the club crowding the hallway, hoping to give their brother some form of solace. I felt a strange combination of relief and stress when I saw that Juice wasn’t with them. Opie seemed to read my mind, and jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

“He’s talking to Roosevelt. Go.”

I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to, but I nodded and did as he told me to. I slowed my pace as I reached the corner. Roosevelt was apologizing to Juice, who was having none of it. The sheriff offered to help out if Tara needed it, and then I heard his boots against the freshly-waxed floor.

I turned the corner just as Juice spun around. I could see his expression morph from one of anger and determination to one of fear. There was simply no other way to describe the way that he was looking at me right then.

“Are we going to do this here?” he asked uncertainly.

“Here’s the deal, Juice. I get that something happened that kept you from coming home. But that can’t happen now. If you don’t come home tonight, I won’t be there in the morning.”

He swallowed. There was a flash of anxiety in his eyes that told me he understood how serious I was. “I have a couple of things to do first,” his eyes flickered toward the hallway that I’d just left.

I nodded. “I know. He needs you guys right now. Just come home, okay?”

“I’ll be there.”

I lifted a hand to reach out for him, then thought better of it. I dropped it back down to my side, and saw the pain in the lines of his face. “I love you,” I managed.

He closed his eyes and let out a relieved breath through his nose. “Thank God.”

I gave him a tiny, forced smile before I slipped away. I hadn’t been home all day; Casey was probably going crazy in the backyard.

I took the dog for a quick run, but even overexerting myself physically couldn’t distract me from what was going on inside of my head. One way or another, I was going to have to make a decision tonight. If Juice didn’t show, he was making the choice for me. But if he did, I had to listen to his entire story and figure out if I was going to stay with him or not. And if I left him, I would have to decide if I could stay in Charming without him.

It was dark out when the front door opened. Juice walked into the living room, shrugging out of his cut and dropping it on the recliner. He sat next to me on the couch. Silence filled the space between us, spreading and growing until I worried if either of us would ever be able to break it.

“I don’t know where to start,” he muttered finally.

I bit down on my lower lip. “Okay, how about this: I listen to the whole story with no judgement. I’ll save my comments for the end.”

His eyes were wary. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

He breathed slowly. I could almost see the gears turning in his head. “Alright. Here goes. I’m telling you everything, Lex. If you leave me, I won’t blame you. I fucked up.”

I nodded, encouraging him to go on despite the terror I felt inside.

“Okay,” he began, sounding as though he had nothing left to lose. I realized then that he really didn’t. “So I got arrested for having pot, which I told you. What I didn’t tell you is that when I got to the station, Roosevelt blackmailed me. He knew that we were working with the cartel, he just needed proof. He said that he wouldn’t touch the club if I helped him. So I had to get him a sample of the coke so they could trace it back.”

I let out an involuntary gasp. I felt like someone had just pulled out all of my insides through my mouth. There was no way that this story was going any way other than the one I feared.

Juice’s head dropped several inches as he slumped in shame. “I passed out with the brick in the trees, so I hid it. That was the first night I didn’t come home. We questioned the prospects all day to see what they knew about the coke, but of course they didn’t know anything. I just kept trying to find a way to sneak it back in. But Miles found me first.” He started to shake as the tears spilled across his tan cheeks. “He pulled his gun, so I did the only thing I could. I framed him. I killed him, and I framed him. And I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t want to put you in that position. I wanted to keep you safe. But you’re not safe. Roosevelt brought me in again and I said I was done. He told me that there’s someone above him who’s pulling his strings. He said that I couldn’t meet the other guy until I brought in the sample. But he tricked me. He booked me for possession when I brought in the coke.

“He lied to you and Chibs when he said he let me go. I was still there. But this other guy, Jesus, I’m so deep in it now. He’s RICO. I got into his headquarters, and everyone’s faces are on the wall. You’re on there, Lex. Right under Gemma on the list of known affiliates of the club. They said that if I give them the location of our deal with the Irish, they’ll go easy on us. At this point, if I don’t cooperate, they’ll take the whole club down. If I work with them, the club will survive, and only some of us will get locked up. They gave me a cell phone, and I have to check in every few hours. I don’t know what I can do about it without putting everyone else in danger.”

He stopped speaking for a long enough period that I thought it was safe to assume he was finished. I stared down at my hands. I had no idea what Irish deal he was talking about, but given the context he’d used it in, I felt it was safe to assume it had to do with the drugs. This was so much worse than I’d thought it was. I knew now why he thought he couldn’t come to me, and why my attempts to make him feel better after killing Miles had only made things worse. I’d tried to convince him that he was the good guy, and that didn’t seem to be the case at all.

“What did they have on you?” I managed after a few minutes.

“What?”

“What did Roosevelt have on you that started this whole thing?”

“M-my father,” he stammered. “He’s black.”

I looked over at him, my jaw hanging open. I let my sudden rage lead my actions. My closed fist connected with his jaw, and he just let it happen.

“You’re half black? That’s it? Christ, Juice, you’re not white as it is! What’s the difference?” I hollered.

Juice brought a trembling hand up to nurse his wounded face. “There’s a rule. Blacks aren’t allowed in the club. I couldn’t lose the club,” he murmured quietly.

“You’re going to lose them now,” I managed to bring my voice back down to a tolerable level. “You’re worried about my safety, but I can take a cop on a power trip. I’ve dealt with that before. But now you’re not safe.”

“You should leave,” he said dejectedly. “They’re going to kill me anyway.”

I found that I was suddenly on the verge of tears as well. “You should have just come to me. I could have talked to Jax or Clay. Maybe it would have helped.”

“It’s too late for that now, isn’t it? Besides, Jax and Clay have their own agenda now.”

I ignored his shot at my brother as I reached out. He flinched, but I continued and pulled his fingers from his jaw. I inspected the damage I’d inflicted. His skin was flushed and heated, but I doubted if it would amount to anything more than a small bruise. I hadn’t hit him that hard; my knuckles barely even hurt.

I ran my thumb over the injury, and he shivered. “They’re not going to kill you,” I told him sincerely. “They wouldn’t. If they didn’t kill Kyle, they won’t kill you.”

“They’ll take my patch. Then I’ll be as good as dead. I’ve got a lot of enemies because of the club, Lex. And you’ll stay with them. You have to; they’re your family.”

I sat back, leaning against the arm rest of the sofa. A sudden idea had sprung into my mind, and even though I knew it was crazy, it was worth a shot. “Let’s just leave.”

“What?”

“We can just pack up our shit tonight and get out of this town. Everything is going to shit anyways. We’ll be each other’s family.”

He shook his head in sad dismay. “I’m on probation.”

“So? You’re so smart when it comes to computers. You can make us disappear.”

“I did this, Lex. I have to live with it. I can’t just leave the club to deal with my mistakes.”

I had known that he would talk me out of it. But I didn’t know whether I was more angry at him for the stupid choices he’d made or more afraid of what might happen to him now that he’d done those things. Because of that indecision, it was impossible for me to know if I was going to leave or stay.

I’d been leaning towards staying up until now. It was hard to throw away two years of being in love with someone after only a little over a week of struggles. But now that I knew everything, I knew that things were only going to get worse.

But maybe the fact that things were going to get worse was precisely why I should stay. I couldn’t leave him like this. He was hopeless. If I wasn’t here, would he give up entirely?

“I kind of want to kill you,” I admitted slowly. “But I’m also impressed that you’re going to stick it out no matter what. But I can’t leave you like this. You’re not okay.”

“What if they come after you? Lex, you can’t stay.”

I felt my chin tremble slightly as I came closer to tears. “I can’t live somewhere else, though. I’ll just lay awake every night wondering if that was the day when you finally killed yourself.”

He stared down at his hands. “It’s not that I want to die, I just don’t know how to live with myself right now. I don’t know how you can even look at me.”

I broke. I threw my arms around him and kissed his neck. “You were backed into a corner,” I said into his skin. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault,” he argued, but his arms snaked around me and crushed me to him tightly.

We sat like that for a long time, and I cried into the collar of his tee shirt. No matter what I chose, nothing was going to be the same again. There was always going to be some kind of distance between me and the club. I had lost my family for a relationship that was probably going to end in premature death.

I felt desperate to connect with him, in any way that I could. My head was cleared of any and all thoughts. My mouth moved from his throat up his bruised jaw and to his lips. A part of me was expecting him to push me away, but I was pleasantly surprised when he kissed me back.

His hands came up to my face, his thumbs ghosting across my cheeks and removing the remnants of my tears. He deepened the kiss, his tongue delving into my mouth as soon as I parted my lips. I yanked his shirt over his head roughly, reconnecting our mouths as soon as I could. The skin of his chest was pleasantly warm beneath my fingertips.

Juice was just about to pull my shirt off, but when his hands were just beneath the band of my bra, he froze. “What are we doing?” His breath was tantalizingly warm against my lips.

I kissed him again, but he didn’t respond this time. I sighed, letting my forehead come to rest against his. “I just wanted to do something simple. Everything is so fucked up and complicated, but this can be simple.”

“Can it?”

“It can tonight,” I said in a thick whisper.

His fingers slid across my face, as if he were trying to memorize the curves of my cheekbones and the swell of my nose. He pressed his lips to mine with a feverish sense of finality.

I felt the all-too familiar sensation of my breathing coming to a grinding halt.

“You should go.” Juice was trying to sound encouraging, but the way that his voice cracked prevented him from achieving the effect.

I shook my head, still ensuring that our foreheads were touching. It was like I was using the contact to control our fate. “I can’t.”

“You deserve a chance,” he persisted. “You can’t have that here. You can’t have that with me.”

“You’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I can’t do it alone, and you’ll die without me. Face it, you’re stuck with me.”

He moved his hands, threading his fingers between strands of my hair. “I’ll die if something happens to you. It’ll be my fault. You only stayed in Charming because of me.”

We were both crying. Our bodies were quivering, our voices shook pathetically, and we couldn’t look one another in the eye, despite our close proximity. I tightened my grip around his neck.

“I still want you,” I told him.

He whimpered. “I will want you for the rest of my life. Every moment of every day. But you could be safe and happy, and that can’t happen here.”

“And after everything else, I don’t even get a say?” I squeezed my eyes closed. My tears had made my mascara run, and it was burning and exacerbating the entire situation. “I’ve never let you run my life, what makes you think I’m going to start now?”

“Please, Lex, I need to know you’ll be okay. You need to leave.”

“I can’t,” I heard the neediness in my own voice. “We can figure this out. Don’t leave me alone. Please.”

My begging was cutting through him, just like I knew it would. Still, he tried to remain strong. “You lived without me for over a year while I was in Stockton. You can do it again.”

“No, I didn’t. I lived from Saturday to Saturday. I only cared about the days when I could see you. Why would you even tell me the whole story tonight if you wanted me to leave?”

“I wanted you to understand. I’m not doing this because I don’t love you. It’s killing me to let you go. I’m only doing this because you’re all I have. And if I have nothing, they can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t get to you if you’re not here.”

I dissolved into full-blown sobs, clutching him tighter. “Jax is getting out; Clay will run the club into the ground. You can’t stay. Please, please come with me.”

He shook with his laboured breathing. “I have to finish this. I have to try and get us out of the drug trade. They tried to kill Tara. Even if it was just about Jax, you’re probably next.”

I knew that he was right. I’d spent so much time trying to convince him that I was tied to the club with or without him, trying to prove that anything that happened to me wouldn’t have been his fault, that I neglected to notice when my family connections really were putting me in the line of fire. Still, I felt absolutely gutted.

“Maybe it could just be for a little while. Maybe I can come home.” I felt like I was asking permission instead of planning the future.

“Someday, I hope you do. But for now,” he paused, trying to collect himself enough to speak properly. “For now, don’t tell me where you’re going. Don’t let anyone know. If we don’t know where to find you, we can’t accidentally give it away.”

This suddenly felt too similar to the last time I’d skipped town. I’d run off in the night without warning anyone. They’d thought I was dead until I finally called a couple of weeks later to tell them that I’d simply run off. I was going to have to do the same thing now.

“But my mom,” I protested suddenly. “She’ll still be here.”

“She’s survived every club move since SAMCRO was started. We can make sure she’s safe. But we can’t keep watch over both of you. There’s just too much. You have to go.”

“Tomorrow,” I promised.

“Tonight.” With a tangible effort, Juice released his hold on me. He pulled out of my grip and stood up abruptly. His face was streaked with tears, and his eyes were mourning.

“Juice-”

“I love you, baby girl,” he said, a cavernous distance forming between us.

Juice turned and, with a noticeable hesitation, he grabbed his discarded tee shirt and cut and left the house.

All of the air that was left in my lungs was released in an echoing, sorrowful howl.