Lungs

I couldn’t take Casey. I knew that, even as I stood in the living room, staring out the patio doors to where she was curled up on her dog bed on the deck.

I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I was definitely going to have to stay in some motels, and there was no way that they were going to let a huge golden retriever inside.

It was a shame that I couldn’t have more time. If I was allowed to tell everyone where I was going, the guys could have moved all of my old furniture for me once I’d found an apartment. But that was out of the question. They were all so busy as it was, and I needed to move quickly.

I threw all of my clothes haphazardly into the duffel bags that were stored in the bottom of Juice’s closet. I stole one of his hoodies and wrapped myself in it, crying harder as I breathed in his scent.

I knew that I was forgetting a few hundred things. I grabbed a photo album and some blankets, just in case I had to sleep in my car. I wouldn’t sleep anyway. I knew that, but I still prepared for it.

There was a ring emblazoned with a skull sitting on the dresser. Juice usually wore it every day, and I hadn’t noticed it sitting there until that very moment. I didn’t really know why, but I took it. It was a bit loose even on my thumb, but I felt better with it on.

I went out into the backyard, but found that Casey was sleeping. I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to her, and the thought crushed me. Still, I knew that Juice would take care of her, if only because he would know it was important to me.

I dug out a piece of paper and a pen as I stood at the kitchen counter once my car was loaded. My entire body ached, and I was as empty as my side of the closet.

Tears dropped onto the paper, causing the blue ink to become smudged and barely legible in small, perfectly circular spots as I wrote.

Juice,

I understand. I know exactly why you told me that I have to go. But I hate this more than I have ever hated anything in all of my life.

You’re the only one I have ever felt this way about. You’re the only person in the world that I would wait for while they were in prison. I love you. I will always love you. Never forget that you’re mine. You’re my sunshine. Or son shine. Whichever you want to be, that’s what you are.

I don’t have room in the car to take Casey. Take care of her for me. You’re the only one I trust to make sure she’s alright. Someday I’ll come back for her. And for you.

My bike is in the garage. I know you don’t want to be seen on a chick’s bike, but just take it for a spin every now and then. Keep it in riding condition for when I come home.

There are a million things that I want to say, but I don’t have time to write them all down. I stole your ring. It’s kind of funny, I always thought one day I’d be wearing your ring. But in a different way. Even my worst nightmares weren’t like this.

Stay safe. Make sure that the rest of the club knows that I love them, and that I didn’t just disappear this time. If I’d had a choice, I wouldn’t have left.

Make sure Jax and Tara get the boys out of Charming. Make sure my mom is okay. Make sure that Clay doesn’t ruin everything that the club has built.

I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I can’t be here to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, so you have to do it for me.

Touch base with me every now and then. Even if I can’t tell you where I am, we can at least talk. If I go too long without hearing your voice I might come crawling back sooner than I should.

Please don’t feel like you have no reason to live. I’m still depending on you. I still need you. Stay alive for me. I know you won’t get this note until you decide to come home and face an empty house, but I hope it gets to you before you do something reckless. Wishful thinking, I know.

Smile. For me. I miss your smile so much. I miss your jokes. Bring those back.

Call me when you can. Pay the bills on time. Be the man that I know you are. Most importantly, wait for me.

I absolutely can’t say this enough: I love you.

Miss you already.

Lex.

I locked the front door behind me. I kept his house key; I was going to need it again one day. There was no doubt in my mind that I was not only coming back to Charming, but I was going to be with Juice when I did.

I had to tie up a couple of loose ends before I left town completely. Once again, I found myself calling Madison for a place to crash. I needed to stick around until the morning at least, so I could get my paperwork from the tattoo shop. I wanted to have the option to have a legitimate job that I could be proud of; I was far past the point of being satisfied with being a bartender.

She let me in, and I was startled to find that her fire engine red hair had been coloured a much more manageable chocolate brown. Madison took one look at me and pulled me into a hug.

I dropped my overnight bag onto the floor and held her back. I had cried out everything I had, and now I was just an emotionless shell. “It’s over,” I said in a monotone voice.

“No,” Madison spoke into my shoulder, squeezing me a little tighter. It felt like she was trying to force the broken pieces back together in hopes that they stuck. “No, that can’t be. You guys will figure it out.”

“He kicked me out,” I continued. Maybe if I convinced her that it had been a messy break up, she would believe that it was best for me to get out of town. “I’m leaving Charming.”

“Where are you going to go?” She finally let me go, but still held me at arm’s length.

“I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll do what I did last time; I’ll just drive until I find somewhere that I think can handle me.”

“Stay with me. I make good money at Cara Cara. You can stay as long as you want.”

I winced. “I can’t be that close to him. I can’t see him every day. I can’t see him at all. I’m lost, Madison. I really didn’t think it would come to this. I thought we would die together.”

She let her hands fall down to my wrists and pulled me over to the couch. She sat me down before disappearing into the kitchen. Madison returned a moment later with a pint of ice cream and two spoons.

“This always helps,” she said.

I shook my head, pulling my feet up onto the couch and wrapping my arms around my knees. “I don’t think it will.”

“It’s for the-”

“Please don’t tell me it’s for the best. I know that. It doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me love him less.”

“Well aren’t you going to fight for him?” she challenged, giving up on her attempts to be reassuring.

“I tried. God knows I tried. I think I pushed too hard. He pulled away, and I was just too late trying to get it back.”

Madison set the ice cream down on the coffee table and sat next to me. “It’s never too late, you know. If you love him that much, you can fix it.”

I had thought that I was all cried out. But as I sat there under Madison’s gaze and thought back on the relationship that Juice and I had shared, the tears returned. I remembered the day I met him, and the day that I came home. There was the day I’d killed Trent, and the day I’d moved in with Juice. I remembered when we’d gone to Ireland to get my nephew back, and the way that he’d calmed me down after I’d learned of my father’s infidelity and the existence of my half-sister, Trinity. But mostly, I just thought of the way that he’d looked at me earlier that night. It was like I was already a ghost, and I was haunting him. He was just as hurt as I was.

Madison sat up with me for awhile longer, but she eventually had to excuse herself to go to bed. Apparently she had an early shoot in the morning.

I laid on her couch, staring up at the ceiling just as I had the last time I’d stayed there. At the crack of dawn, I typed out a couple of text messages.

The first was to Jax.

I’m not disappearing this time. Juice thinks it would be best if no one knows where I am. I can’t let whoever tried to kill Tara come after me. This has nothing to do with you or the club. Please keep your promise to me. Don’t hurt Juice. He’s just trying to keep me safe. I need you to keep him safe. And then you and Tara need to get the hell out of Dodge. Love you.

The second was to my mother.

Charming doesn’t feel safe to me right now. I don’t trust Roosevelt, and don’t hate me, but I don’t trust Clay. The cartel was a step too far for me. Juice thinks I’ll be better off if no one here knows where I’ve gone. Even he doesn’t know, so don’t push him for information. I love you, Mom. I’ll call when I can, and I’ll be back home safe before you know it.

I snuck out before Madison was even awake. I knew that I should have stayed to thank her for putting up with me again, but I also knew that she would probably be happy to see me go.

I was in the tattoo shop long before it opened. I parked my car in the alley, just in case Mom or one of the guys drove by and saw me parked there. This needed to be a clean getaway; having one of them pop by to say hi would definitely make me want to stay.

As I waited for Marla or Keith to show up, I thought of someone else that I needed to say goodbye to.

Take care of our boy for me. You’re the best pretend dad a girl could ever hope for. I love you, Chibs. I’ll see you soon, I promise.

Unlike Mom and Jax, who were probably too busy with other things to check their phones, Chibs texted me back almost immediately.

He stayed at mine last night. I’ll miss you, sweetheart. I’ve got his back. Find someone to watch yours.

I felt better knowing that Chibs would look out for Juice. He had really taken him under his wing, and I owed him everything for that. It still didn’t make me any happier about leaving.

I heard the telltale jingle of keys in the door. Keith walked in, stopping short and clutching at his chest as he saw me.

“Jesus, Lexi, what the hell? I never gave you keys to this place!”

I managed a grim smile. “You knew I had a criminal record when you hired me.”

“Yeah, for assault, not for breaking and entering,” he replied as he caught his breath and he continued into the shop.

“Let’s just say that the list of crimes I’ve committed is a lot more extensive than the list of the ones I’ve been caught for.”

He let out a breath. “What brings you in this early?”

“I feel like you know,” I said quietly.

“Marla just told me yesterday that she wants us to fix your paperwork. But I haven’t had time to do it yet.”

“I really need to leave,” I told him. “I can’t give you all the details.”

The look on his face told me that he believed I had added something horrible to my resume of illegal activity. “Oh lord, what did you do?”

“The stupidest thing known to man: I fell in love.”

Keith raised an eyebrow as he dug a thin black binder from beneath the counter. “Juice hurt you?”

“No,” I said, almost too quickly. “God no, can you imagine? No, it has nothing to do with him, really. I stayed in town because of him. And now someone is targeting the family of the club. Tara had a close call, and she’s in the hospital. I have to go in case I’m next. So if you hear that Juice and I had some terrible break up, that’s why. We’re using that story so that people will believe that I just fucked off and didn’t tell anyone where I went.”

Keith looked up from the binder with wary eyes. “Do you need help?”

I gestured toward the paperwork in front of him. “You’re helping me right now.”

I sat in silence while Keith focused on doctoring the numbers so that I could be officially done my apprenticeship. After the longest couple of hours of my life, he passed me the binder.

“Normally I would deal with this myself to get you licensed, but I’m guessing that you don’t have a mailing address set up just yet. All the information that you need is in there. Good luck, kid. I’m really going to miss having you around. And I know Marla is going to be devastated that you’re gone.”

I smiled in gratitude. “I owe you, man. Thanks for everything. You’re the only boss I’ve had that I haven’t hated.”

“I thought you worked for your stepdad?” he asked with a curious grin.

I nodded, gathering up the binder in one arm and hugging Keith with the other. “I stand by what I said.”

“You’re going to do great things, Lexi. Stop by and see me if you ever come back to town.”

I gave him a wave as I headed for the back door. “Who knows? I might need a job when I come home.”

“So you plan to come back, then?” Keith called after me. A surprising note of hope was in his tone.

I stuck my head back in the room. “I just told you that the break up is just a story. The minute I get the all clear, I’m packing up and coming home to him.”

Keith’s eyes were suddenly inquisitive. “Are you sure you should? I mean, isn’t it kind of one of these things after another when it comes to the club?”

I frowned. I hated that he sounded so logical. In the past day or two, it had felt like everything everyone had been ganging up on me with truth bombs that I hadn’t wanted to hear.

“I stand corrected. Falling in love with Juice might not be the stupidest thing I could ever do. But knowing that won’t stop me. We all do dumb shit when it comes to love.”

He cleared his throat loudly. “Well when that day comes, you’ll always have a job here. But seriously, Lexi, stop wearing that goddamn sweater.”

I looked down, realizing I was still wearing the SAMCRO hoodie I’d stolen from Juice’s house before I left. I laughed to myself as I backed out of the room and left the tattoo shop.

Once I was in my car, I felt nauseous again. I wanted to call Juice, or to just plain go back home, but I knew that I couldn’t. If I was going to leave, it was now or never. I hit the highway, wishing with everything I had that I would get a phone call telling me to come back home.

Deep down, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.