Lungs

“He did what?!” I shrieked into the phone.

“He showed Romeo and Clay out of the minefield. But yeah, he did it in a stupid way. And he’s really shaken up about Kozick,” Chibs explained.

I was sitting on the bed of a cheap motel room when Chibs called me with an update. I had my head buried in my free hand while I spoke. “I get that, but regardless of who died and who Juice saved, he still walked across a fucking minefield with no regard for the fact that he might die.”

“He’s lost without you.”

“He’s the one who told me to go.” There was no anger in my tone, just helplessness. “Can you put him on the phone? Please?”

“Is that really a good idea?”

“I promise I won’t come back yet. I just need to talk to him. I won’t even yell, I swear.”

There was a pause, and then Juice’s tentative voice reached out to me. “Lex?” The sound of my name was the most wonderful thing I’d ever heard. He was alive. He was alright. He still sounded like my Juice.

“Have you gone home yet?” I asked, skipping over any introductions.

“No.”

“There’s a note there. I need you to read it. Juice, I need you to take care of yourself. I need you to be there when I come home again.”

He sighed, and I could almost see him digging the heel of his palm into his eye in frustration. “You can’t-”

“Yet,” I interrupted. “I can’t come home yet. I know. But I will one day. Hopefully soon.” I swallowed, though my mouth was dry as the Sahara desert. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.”

“Then why did you do what you did in the minefield?”

There was a pause. “I don’t know. I lost sight of everything for a minute. It just felt like you were really gone.”

I chewed on my lip for several seconds. “If you keep pulling stunts like this, I really am going to come home. I’ll just abduct you and keep you out of harm’s way.”

He chuckled, but it sounded forced. “I promise you I won’t walk through a minefield again.”

“Good. Have you seen Mom?”

This time, the pause stretched out long enough to feel awkward. “No,” he said finally.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“It’s just something that will make you want to come back. Everyone is fine, Lex. Everyone is fine.”

“I’m not. You’re not. This is stupid,” I fell back against the pillows dramatically.

“I just can’t worry about you right now. Not on top of everything else. I need to know you’re somewhere far away from all this shit,” he said, his voice sounding heavy and thick.

I let my eyes fall shut. I knew that I was alone here, and that I could cry if I wanted to, but somehow I felt that I couldn’t shed a tear. “Juice, I’m serious. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not okay. I need to know that you’re there, and that you’re unhurt. As stupid as this sounds now, I meant what I said the other night. I don’t want some other guy in some safer place. I want you. I miss you. And if you die…” I had to stop as a sudden blockage filled my throat. We’d been over all of this so much lately. He knew that I’d react poorly if he died. He knew that I wanted to spend my life with him. And it hadn’t changed anything. I could hear the redundancy in my own words. He didn’t need me reminding him of the same damn thing every time we spoke, but I couldn’t stop myself. I needed him to know that if there was one thing in this life he could be sure of, it was his baby girl.

“I know it’s hard, but-” he stopped as there was a sudden influx of voices in the background. “I’ve got to run. I’ll call you when I’m home.”

“Read the note!” I stressed. It was too late; he’d already hung up the phone.

I stared up at the ceiling, which was yellowed in spots from previous water damage. I shuddered; I needed to find a slightly more permanent place to hide out. This motel was creepy at best, and I could hear everything my neighbours said through the thin walls. I knew that it was only a matter of time before they had sex; it sounded like it was a man making a deal with a prostitute.

I had only been gone a matter of hours, and it already felt as if I hadn’t seen Juice in weeks. I kept replaying our last discussion in my mind. I could still feel his hands in my hair, his forehead pressed to mine. I craved him more than an addict craved their favourite drug.

It might have actually been easier if we’d really broken up. If he had made me believe that he hadn’t wanted anything to do with me, as he’d tried to, I might not have felt so wrong being away from him. But I knew exactly why he couldn’t let me go knowing that I thought he hated me. It was the same reason I kept begging him to stay alive.

Without each other, neither of us had any reason to go on. He had the club, but after all he’d done, he was afraid they would stop whatever charade of forgiveness they were putting on and kick him out. And I had no desire to run, as I had years before. I no longer wanted to turn my back on my family and start over. I wanted nothing more than to try and salvage what was left of it. I wanted to play with Abel and Thomas, and to talk to Mom, Jax, Tara, and even Clay. I had spent my entire life taking Mom and Jax for granted, which seemed completely backward to me now, given all that the three of us had lost together.

Just as I’d feared, the couple in the next room began moaning in time with the rhythmic squeaks of a mattress. The female voice seemed just a little too enthusiastic, which seemed to confirm my suspicions that she was being paid.

I cranked up the TV, but I couldn’t focus on the primetime comedy that was on the screen. All I could think about was the fact that twenty-four hours before, I’d been preparing myself for the idea that I might leave Juice. I had seen it as a way out. And now that I had it, it was the last thing that I wanted. I knew all that he had done, and I hated him for it. But all I wanted was to be with him and make him feel better.

We were supposed to be fuck-ups together.

I lay down across the bed, inhaling the sickening, stale smell of the blanket. My stomach churned in revulsion, and I pushed myself back up. I opted to go outside for some fresh air.

I went outside, taking the ice bucket with me. Maybe I could fill the bathtub with ice water and sit in it until my outsides matched the numbness of my insides.

The evening air was hot and humid; I was sweating as soon as I stepped out of the room. I paused to light a cigarette before walking to the ice machine by the lobby. I felt like I was being watched. It was probably just paranoia. There was nobody here that could possibly be after me. Nobody knew where I was. Even I wasn’t totally sure. I’d just driven until I got tired.

The weight of my gun in the back of the waistband of my pants was comforting. I could still take care of myself when I had to. Still, I leaned back against the outer wall of the motel so that I could see anyone that might approach while I finished my smoke.

I took out my phone to check the time, and immediately regretted the choice. My phone background was a snapshot of Juice and I from Opie’s wedding. Had that really been less than two weeks ago? It felt as though it had been months.

It was still so early in the evening. I started to wonder if every night would be spent like this. How often would I watch the clock, waiting until the moment when it was acceptable to escape into sleep? And even when I did, would I ever be able to sleep comfortably?

I returned to my room with a bucket full of ice and poured myself a drink. I’d stopped at a liquor store on the way, knowing full well that the only way I’d be able to close my eyes for more than a few seconds at a time would be if I passed out.

A few hours later, the neighbours were going for round three and I was curled up on my bed, drunk and cradling my infuriatingly silent cell phone against my chest.

As I lay there, I felt the burning sensation of tears. I hadn’t even been gone a full day and I was already horribly lonely. I thought back to the phone conversation with Juice. Something had happened to Mom that would make me want to come home. She was fine, but I would want to come home if I knew what he was talking about.

I wanted to go home even without knowing.

I lurched to my feet, then immediately fell back down onto the soiled, sagging mattress. I couldn’t even stand, let alone go home. My fingers fumbled through the blankets, and soon enough I found what I was looking for. I punched a number into the burner and pressed it to my ear.

“Hello?” Mom’s voice sounded like someone was holding onto her bottom lip as she answered the phone.

My tears seemed to double at the sound of her voice. “Mom?” I drew in a deep, ragged breath.

“You okay, baby?” she sounded drowsy. I looked over at the digital alarm clock in the motel room. Apparently I’d been drinking alone a lot longer than I’d thought. I’d probably woken her up.

“No,” I breathed.

“Don’t you dare come home,” she replied, sounding stern despite the slur to her words.

I paused, taking a moment to think about how her voice sounded. “Mom, what’s wrong? You don’t sound normal.”

She inhaled so loudly that I could hear it through the phone line. “Baby, I’m alright. Don’t come home. Things are about to get pretty bad around here. I want to know that you’re safe.”

“You sound just like Juice.”

There was a strained silence. “You found someone who wants to make sure you’re happy. He puts you above himself. Don’t overlook that. Don’t take it for granted.”

Something seemed to snap into place in my brain. Mom had been at odds with Clay lately, and now she was telling me how wonderful and sweet Juice was. “Mom, did Clay-”

“It’s okay,” she reiterated, though I didn’t believe her. The odd, hollow tone of her voice coupled with the slur made me wonder if he’d hit her. No man had ever laid a hand upon my mother and lived to tell the tale. But this was Clay. This was the president of SAMCRO. And even if Bobby was challenging his presidency, as Juice had told me, that didn’t mean that anything would come of it. My mom was in danger.

“Mom, you can come with me-”

“No, I can’t. I’ve got to take care of this. Someone has to.”

“Let Jax do it.”

“He has his family to worry about. Those boys mean everything. He needs to be there for them.”

I wanted to remind Mom what Jax was trying to get out, but I couldn’t do it. He would never leave her if she was in trouble. And after everything that had happened with Tara, he might not have the option of leaving anymore.

“If it gets worse,” I bargained, “come and find me. And bring Juice with you.”

“Honey, you need to stop worrying about him. He’s fine. He’s with his brothers,” she sounded exasperated by my worry over Juice. I couldn’t quite figure out why.

“He’s not fine, is he?” I said after a minute.

“He misses you, that’s all,” she replied, her voice becoming airy and light.

I stared down at the faded, threadbare comforter on the hotel bed. “I miss everyone. How long do you think I’ll have to stay away?”

“Not long, baby. Things will be back to normal soon.”

I swallowed. “What kind of normal? The normal I grew up with, or the normal we’ve gotten used to since I came back?”

There was another pause. “You already know which I mean.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “I do.”

The conversation seemed to have drawn to a close. I wasn’t going to get any kind of comfort from my mother tonight, nor was she going to get any from me. We were both in a bad place mentally. I said a quick goodbye and hung up, not wanting to tie up the phone in case Juice tried to call.

I fell back against the bed heavily, sighing as I did. My eyes slid shut, but I knew they wouldn’t stay that way for long. If only I could sleep for a few days, maybe this whole thing would blow over. Maybe someone would call me and tell me that it was alright to come home, that I could go and see Juice. But that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

Everything that had gone wrong in Charming had happened so fast. I’d only been back for a few years, and I’d watched so many relationships crumble, seen so many deaths, felt so much loss. But despite all of that, I’d actually learned what love was.

I couldn’t just move on now that I’d been sent away. Even if Juice didn’t make it, I couldn’t just find someone else. It wasn’t that simple. We were supposed to be the ones that made it to the end. We were supposed to give Abel and Thomas some cousins to play with.

I’d lost too much in my life, I couldn’t lose him too.

I gave up waiting for Juice to call and punched his number on my speed dial. As I listened to the ringing, I wondered just what I was going to say to him. Should I tell him I was giving up and coming home, no matter what the consequences? Should I tell him that his decisions still affected me even when I wasn’t there? Or maybe I should just remind him that I loved him.

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I knew that he already knew everything. He might forget from time to time, but deep down he would always know. After all, I’d waited for him for over a year while he was on the inside. This should have been easy by comparison. It just didn’t feel that way just now.

The ringing stopped. Instead of Juice’s voice, I was greeted by an automated female voice alerting me that I’d reached his voicemail. I waited out the familiar recording until I heard the telltale beep that signified that I should speak.

My voice got lost in my throat for several seconds as my eyes filled with tears. I drew in a shaky breath as I realized that I was going to have to say something or the message would be nothing but dead air.

“I miss you, Juice. Be safe. I love you. I always will. I’ll be home soon, sunshine.”

I ended the call and curled up into the fetal position. I cradled a pillow in my arms and buried my face in it. For the first time in my life, I hoped that there was a god, and that he had some kind of sympathy for me.

“Please God,” I murmured into the stained pillowcase. “Just let me go home to him. Keep him and the boys safe. That;s the only thing I’ll ever ask. Just make sure that Juice, Abel, and Thomas are okay.”

When sleep finally came for me, the only thing on my mind was getting back home before anything else could go wrong.