As Unpredictable as the Deep Blue Sea
One.
When leaving for the months long journey, Johann Seidel did not really believe it would be anything out of the ordinary. He was simply doing his job, doing what was asked of him, what was needed to make sure his family had enough income to survive. Something he had done so many times before. Admittedly, it was no secret that his profession wasn’t the safest of them all, and people kept telling him he could have made a wiser choice, but he had stopped listening to any of them a long time ago. Even his wife, who knew him best, who knew how much they needed it, hated that he kept leaving to make sure some stupid trading ship made it over the Atlantic and back. It was rough out there. It was dangerous. The open sea was a beast that could not be tamed, and so often Johann’s wife slept in fear that one day one mistake would come back to haunt them and pull the wide ocean’s wrath right with it, taking him away from her forever. If she ever actually slept, that was. Johann was well aware of his wife’s worry – but as a captain of a ship that had to travel thousands and thousands of miles, there was no time to be worried. He was in control, he had responsibilities, and what he needed most was the knowledge, not the hope, that his crew and the expatriates on his ship made it to the other side safely.
Even though he had always known just how risky every single journey was, having lost fellow men and colleagues before, it had become more than just a job. It was who he was. He saw himself as part of the whole; he belonged to the ocean, like the ocean belonged to him. Some would call it unthoughtful, but to him it was simply how things worked. He did what was needed to be done with a passion, a passion built on trust – trust in his instincts, his ship’s company, and in the ocean’s unpredictability.
Johann Seidel worked for a Bremen raw tobacco import company. His job was to make sure the trading could even take place, since the task was to bring goods and people to the opposite sides of the world, to make sure it all went well. They were out there for weeks, their destination mostly the same: Brazil. He didn’t really know too much about the business, the companies behind the orders he was given, but to be honest, he didn’t care too much about it either. It wasn’t his side of the deal, and he always knew just what he had to know to leave the German harbor, and then return from the Brazilian one again without any trouble.
Once the seven week long journey was done, and with it at least half of the entire journey, Johann did feel grateful to be standing on solid ground again. As much as he loved the ocean, and being out there, it was a relief to be back on land. For one simple reason: they had made it. Just because he didn’t fear the danger, didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of it, or ignored it; thus he was always thankful when his men and him made it over alive and well. Oddly enough, no one even got sick this time. Sure there were some sore throats, acing limbs and running noses here and there, but nothing too serious. It was often enough that things ended badly for some people while being stuck on such small space for so long. Johann didn’t waste a lot of time thinking about all of this – but he was thankful. It was one of those things that crossed his mind for a matter of seconds whenever he’d leave the ship at the destined harbor. With his mind set on business, dearly hoping that everything would go as smoothly as it had so far, he got to work….
It was a long, hot day for Johann in Brazil, but that was nothing new for him because the first days in Brazil were always the toughest. Not only the weather caused trouble, also the tobacco caused a few problems - so much to things going smoothly. First tradesmen from the German companies Johann worked with checked the tobacco and gave him the permission to load the goods on board, but as soon as the burning sun went down, rats came out of their holes and even out of the tobacco stocks. Half an hour later Johann woke up because he heard a scary noise, which came from the caboose. It was Leon the chef who was so scared that even the rats got goose bumps from his high and intensive screaming. He was so passionate about being scared - a few crew members wished he would be as passionate about flavoring his meals - the soup on the gas stove was as flat as always. As Johann walked downstairs, the rats made it very difficult for him to go into the caboose because the ship was contaminated by them. He never saw so many rats at once. The crew members gave their best to kill the rats. In the end Johann decided to leave the ship with his crew and to spend the night in an empty stockroom near the harbor, which belonged to the German company they worked for.
The following morning Johann woke up and felt a bit dizzy. What a horrible night he had had. He slept on the hard ground and woke up every five minutes because Leon thought there would be something in the dark. ''What an over-hysterical wimp!'', Johann said to himself. As he stood up and walked around, just to make sure that everyone was fine, it turned out that the problems of the night caused more consequences then he had expected. One crew members had been bitten by rats, and his body reacted really badly. In that moment he realized that they had to stay in Brazil for a bit longer. He called a doctor for the crew and went down the harbor to his ship. Near the pier he met the exterminators, who belonged to a German company managed by a friend of Johann’s. Because of said friendship he hoped to not have to pay all too much. These hopes got ruined quickly after they entered the ship and found the first rat's nests. The exterminators said that they’d need a few days to get the ship cleaned up again. Johann himself was so disappointed by it that he needed a few minutes on his own, to just get away from the stress, at least for a little while. As he followed a path down to the city he thought about his wife and how much he missed her and his hometown Bremen. He nearly got homesick but luckily he found something that increased his mood a bit – a market.
It was a traditional farmer's market, quite like he knew them from Germany, even if not entirely the same since they offered a lot more fruits and vegetables. As he went to one of the booths, he recognized a nervous looking man beside him. He wore no shoes, no socks nor any jacket. Just a white shirt and grey trousers both soaked in sweat and full of holes. Poor guy, Johann thought as he went closer to the booth and spoke a bit Portuguese with the vender – he spoke Portuguese whenever possible just to refresh his knowledge. He wasn’t fluent by any means, but he knew enough to get by alright. In the end he bought some apples, dragon fruits, coconuts, some tomatoes and fresh beans.
As he talked to the vender the poor man came closer and closer, almost knocking Johann over as his hands grabbed at several fruits from the table in front of him, just seconds before he wanted to run off. Johann nearly couldn’t observe everything that was going on, simply because of the speed it happened at. Before he knew it, a guy who must have witnessed the man’s actions exclaimed: “THIEF!”.
Alarmed, the salesman Johann had previously been chatting to reacted quickly, along with another shopper who had grabbed the man to keep him from leaving. With an angry frown on her face, the vender approached him, yelling at him in Portuguese, words rolling off her tongue so quickly that Johann could merely understand bits and pieces. He did, however, understand what was going on and decided to react before the scene in front of him escalated. He stopped the woman, offering her a kind smile as he spoke: “Não, não, por favor ...let me pay for what he’s taken.”
Keeping it a that, he pulled out a bit more money and paid for the food still firmly placed in the thief’s hands. Despite giving Johann a puzzled look, the vender turned away from the man and returned to her booth, accepting Johann’s payment, though not without giving him another questioning look. Deciding to ignore the looks he turned, opening his mouth to speak to the stranger just to find that he was already fleeing from where he had stood. Without even a word. Johann let out a sigh and instead grabbed his own purchases to make his way back to the harbor. At least he’d done a good deed, that’s what mattered to him.
As Johann told his men that they would have to stay in Brazil a little bit longer than expected, their mood didn’t exactly increase. That's why he bought the fruits and vegetables. They were thankful for the food, even if it wasn’t all that much. It was finally something different than they’d had during their seafaring, something nice, and they appreciated it. After the lunch he was informed about what the doctor had said, that the swollen rat bites were nothing to worry about. He gave every one of them a salve and said that they should take rest. The whole crew laughed at this point because they where sailors, they were meant to work on a ship and not to have a rest in an empty stockroom, they believed.
Three days later, Johann woke up on a surprisingly cold morning. It had rained for hours that night and he had been able to hear most of the raindrops falling down on the roof of the stockroom. He loved it because it reminded him of the nights on his ship. He slept so well. Maybe because he and his crew are able to go back to the ship – finally. As they went down the harbor it felt like stepping back into a zone where they were more comfortable, something that was less foreign. The sound of the sea gulls, the little waves that crashed by the pier, the wind. Everybody felt so happy for going back on board, except for Leon who felt a bit uncomfortable because of his last night on the ship – he sure had developed a phobia of rats. The first thing they realized were the nearly empty shelves in the caboose. Somebody had to go to the market and buy supplies for the way back to Bremen. Johann quickly grabbed Leon and four other crew members to join him. As soon as they were there, they split up, two went to the fish stall, two to the butcher and two – Johann was one of them – to the vender he met last time. After they bought the fruits and vegetables they wanted, they made their way back to the ship.
Just shortly before leaving he recognized a man in the crowd. The face looked so familiar to him and suddenly he knew who this person was. It was the thief he met last time who went closer and closer to another booth. Not this time, Johann thought and walked up to the booth.
''Stop it!'', he told him, his voice not raised, but firm. As the man recognized the voice he heard behind him he made to run off. Not feeling like giving up, Johann grabbed his arm carefully to hold him back. ''Why are you doing things like this? '', Johann asked. The thief didn’t answer, but that wasn't necessary because the tears in his eyes and his facial expression spoke their own language. Johann tried it again, now with a bit more breath, “Why are you stealing food?''.
The man just stood there and Johann found it really hard to read his expression. ''You have no money, right?''. The man nodded shyly . ''And you're homeless?'', he asked - surprised how sad it made him. The man nodded again and spoke: ''You don’t know how it feels! Unable to buy food, all the hunger. Without a home.” Johann was lost for words for a moment, just looking at the man in front of him. He looked so worn out – it really wasn’t like one couldn’t tell about his living conditions by looking at him. Hearing it out loud simply had a bigger effect on Johann. True, he’d already helped the man out a little bit… but a few fruits weren’t going to help him much. Johann sighed, hoping his offer wouldn’t be rejected. It seemed like the man wasn’t too open to accept help, for whatever reason.
“How about… you come and eat with us tonight? I think I’ll even find a cozy place for you to sleep.” he suggested with a warm smile, having the best intentions. His hope for a positive response was nearly crushed as the guy just kept staring at him silently, before eventually lowering his gaze. “I mean it. You can come.” Johann stressed. Slightly taken by surprise when the man’s tired looking pair of brown eyes suddenly looked back at him with a glimpse of hope in them, Johann gave him another reassuring smile.
And that’s what it took to invite one poor man, who had so little, to join Johann and his crew for a meal and hopefully help him out as much as they could. Johann didn’t even know why he felt so much sympathy for him, it wasn’t like it had been the first time he’d run into a homeless person, or a thief. But Johann was a man who went with his gut feeling, and he felt like this was the right thing to do – thus we went for it.
Quite like Johann had imagined, some of his men shot weird looks his and the man’s way as they arrived at the ship and he announced that they were having a guest. Luckily, it were merely those few looks they received, and no other kind of rejection. Johann didn’t want anyone to cause a scene about them not wanting to share or anything alike – the man needed it a lot more than they did anyway.
Upon sitting down for their meal, around the time when it had gotten a little bit more quiet on the ship and around them, Johann decided to try to pick up a conversation with the man again. “I’m Johann Seidel.” he said, his eyes on the other man, who in return looked slightly confused. “I haven’t introduced myself yet, my apologies. I’m Johann… I’m the Captain of this ship.” – “I’m…Marcelo,” he replied, his tone of voice nowhere near as confident as Johann’s, but at least he’d begun to talk. “Where’s…your home?” Johann couldn’t help but smile at Marcelo seeming to want to get to know him a bit and he was sure the ice was breaking.
Slowly, but surely the men’s conversation continued, the empty plates long forgotten about as Johann and Marcel continued to get to know one another a little bit better. In the end, just like he had promised, Johann offered Marcelo a place to slepe for the night. It wasn’t like they had any form of luxury either, but Johann imagined that the soft and quite comfortable bedding was more than what he had been used to. He ended up not even feeling to worried about the whole thing after getting to know Marcelo, at least to some extent, because he no longer thoughts he’d attempt to harm them in any way. One could never be sure about strangers, but this one, Johann simply trusted.
After slowly waking up the next morning, the captain wasn’t all too surprised to find the space he had given Marcelo to sleep in empty. Even though he had to admit to himself, he did feel a tiny bit disappointed. Perhaps Marcelo had simply had too many bad experiences with other people and had found it hard to trust in Johann – he didn’t blame him. Wiping the sleep from his eyes and deciding it was best to get up and see what the day would bring, and he was hoping for good news, Johann left his blanket’s comfort and made his way off the ship.
A joyful smile appeared on his face as one of the first things he heard was that they would shortly be able to begin to load the tobacco onto the ship again, which meant they’d soon be able to head home. Informing his crew about the news was the easy part, motivating their lazy asses to actually get to work would be more difficult. They did good work, no question, otherwise they wouldn’t be in his crew, but it was no secret that over the few days of having so little to do they had gotten used to relaxing. Blowing out one loud whistle to get his men’s attention, Johann greeted them all with a grin before giving the instruction on what exactly needed to be done. He himself would help as well, of course. Since filling the ship with the newly delivered tobacco and then having everything checked would probably take up the majority of the day, Johann knew they wouldn’t be leaving until the sun had set, and would rise again. It also meant they could get another good night of rest before heading out on the stormy see again, which was something positive. Fortunately , it didn’t even took too long until everyone had made their way off the ship to help get the cargo on board.
Several hours later, Johann was visibly surprised to find Marcelo standing not too far from his ship, looking straight over at him. Regardless of the confusion, he began to give Marcelo a warm smile as he saw the Brazilian man approach him. “Hello, Marcelo,” he greeted him. “Olá,”, Marcello spoke while rubbing his forearm for a moment,“I’m…sorry for leaving like that so early. I felt a bit bad… and I don’t want to cause you any trouble.” He neglected to mention that the main reason he had left was to get food, but he didn’t want Johann to be upset with him for stealing again. For some reason, this guys opinion about him matter to him. Maybe it was because he honestly seemed to care. It had been a long time since anybody had acted that way toward Marcelo – he really wasn’t used to it anymore.
“That’s quite alright, don’t worry about it,” Johann said, keeping his eyes on the man in front of him, who was slightly smaller than he himself. As Marcelo didn’t seem to really be looking back at him anymore, Johann followed the other man’s gaze and found him looking out at the ocean. It brought a soft smile to his face. ''You like the sea?'' Johann asked.
''Once I was a fisher. I really enjoyed working on a ship.'', Marcelo informed him. ''How come you’re not anymore?'', Johann asked in return, hoping that his question wouldn’t be too straight forward, but as he didn't answer and instead continued to look out at the sea, Johann wished he’d chosen his words more wisely. But there was something more to it. The way Marcelo looked at the water…, there was something in his facial expression that Johann thought was all too familiar. He realized that just like he did, Marcelo seemed to have some kind of connected to the endless blue in front of them. Johann stood by Marcelo’s side for a few more minutes, remaining quiet to give the guy at least a little bit of space. With only the waves and people’s voices in the distance creating a soundtrack around them, Johann suddenly had an idea. It seemed so random, and he didn’t really spend much time thinking about where this thought had suddenly come from. Instead he wanted to do what he knew was best, go with what he felt was right.
''You see my ship down there?'' Johann asked and pointed over to his ship on the left, ''As you know, it's mine and… we'll be sailing back home to Bremen in the morning. How would you like to come with us?'' He knew that again, his words were very straight forward, but he wasn’t one to beat about the bush. Turning his head just enough to look at the man beside him, Johann wasn’t surprised to find slight shock written all over his face. As much as he wouldn’t have expected to be asking that kind of question, Marcelo must have not been expecting to hear them.
“Look, I… I know that you don’t have a lot here, and I know it’s not easy for you. This is…my offer to make things a bit easier for you. You can come back with us, and I’ll help you get back on your feet.” He knew that asking a man to leave his home wasn’t a light thing to do – it was perhaps even rude, but considering the circumstances Johann believed that it would be a convenient option for Marcelo.
“You mean that?” Marcelo spoke quietly, still in disbelief.
“I do mean it, yes. You may come with us, if you really want to. I’m not forcing you to.” As he again didn’t replied, Johann turned more toward him, smiling softly. “How about this: You don’t have to make a choice now. We are leaving tomorrow morning, and if you want to join us, just come back to the pier, I’ll gladly take you along. And if you don’t, I’ll know.”Agreeing to Johann’s suggestion, both men went their separate ways. Johann had to get back to the ship to continue helping his crew, and as for Marcelo… it was no question that Johann had just given him a lot to think about. Even just making up his mind until the next morning, which wasn’t all that far away, wasn’t the easiest of things to do.
With everything actually having gone by without trouble this time, Johann and his crew woke up to a rather busy morning. It were their last few hours at the Brazilian harbor, their last chances to purchase what they felt was still needed for the journey, their last chance to get everything ready. And this time around everyone really wanted to leave. They had spent more time overseas than they had expected to and even if it didn’t make that much of a difference, each day was just one more day further from home. Considering how far that still was regardless of where they were, it was understandable that they wanted to depart as soon as possible, especially now that they were able to at last.
Walking around on deck to make sure everything was the way it was supposed to be, Johann was distracted by his name being called. He immediately looked up just to find Marcelo standing by the end of the bridge to the ship. Approaching the entrance with a welcoming smile, Johann indicated to Marcelo to come on board.
”Marcelo, my friend. I’m glad you decided to come,” he greeted him, patting his hand softly on his shoulder. Truth be told, it hadn’t been all that easy for Marcelo to make up his mind, but in the end he told himself he had nothing to lose. He had already lost everything of value to him and finally he found someone who was willing to help him out of his misery. He was convinced that it was a chance of a lifetime, a one-way ticket to get out and start a new life and even if he didn’t image in to be simple, it sure was going to be simpler than he life he knew.
After giving Marcelo a more precise tour of the ship he informed his crew of his decision and furthermore, why he had decided to take Marcelo along. Most of his men didn’t say much more, thought they accepted it, since it was their captain’s decision after all. Besides, they all knew it was a very genuine thing to do. Johann briefly filled him in on everything he needed to know, about the ship, the company, where they came from, and how Johann hoped he could help his guys out during their journey, at least a bit. Marcelo wouldn’t be having a hard time, but he didn’t ask for any further explanation anyway, feeling like it would only be fair if he gave those men at least something for helping him get away.
Everyone was in a rather good mood as they could finally set sail and the Brazilian harbor got more and more out of view – even though Marcelo stared back at it with a heavy heart, at least for a little while. He wouldn't have dreamed about something like that happening to him, not ever, but he felt ready to step right into that adventure, and make the best out of it. He felt good on the ship. The other people on board were very welcoming, and tried their best to talk to Marcelo even if it sometimes wasn't the easiest because of them being linguistically diverse. They all started to enjoy each other's company, and he soon found himself part of the group. It felt good to finally be accepted again, to have cleaned clothes, which Johann had nicely offered him. The past years had been hard on Marcelo, it was written all over his face, but being out there again, with people who finally treated him like a human being, and with the fresh salty sea air finally filling his lungs again, he was determined to forget and move on.
Except that wasn't always so easy.
Several days after the ship had left the harbor, Marcelo found himself on deck one calm night, sitting on one of the empty boxes and staring ahead into what looked like an eternity of darkness. The moon and the stars lit up the sky just enough to enable him to see, though he couldn't see a lot. He had moved all the way to the front of the ship where he knew he could have some privacy, since if anyone would be up, they'd be in the back. Everything was so quiet, so peaceful, there was no way he could have stopped his thoughts from drifting back to memories of times long gone, the things that once made his life worth living.
When Johann spotted Marcelo on deck and slowly approached him, he in no way intended to startled the poor man like he did. It caused both of them to chuckle after the short moment of shock, and Johann slowly sat down beside his new found friend. „My apologies,“ he mumbled, also looking out at the water. „It's alright. I didn't hear you coming,“ he heard in reply before both of them went silent again to enjoy the peace and quiet the night had to offer.
Johann couldn't help himself though. He seemed to sense that something was up, and with his good amount of life experience, it wasn't too hard to tell that there was something mourning inside of Marcelo. Each and everyone had their story – Johann thought it would be good for Marcelo to share his, to let him know what he'd been through. To loosen him up a little bit, he figured it would be a good idea to tell him more about his own.
„You know... I have my family back at home in Bremen. My wife, Anna, and... two beautiful daughters. I spend a lot of time away from them while I work. These journeys are so long and tiring, and god, do I miss them,“ he began, his voice a lot soften than usual as he spoke this time, „I wouldn't say it's always easy for us. I know they're back at home worrying about me, because they don't know the ocean like I do. I worry about them, too. So much can happen when you're gone for so long and can't protect them.“ With his hands resting on his lap, he let his eyes look up toward the moon, taking in the beautiful, cold light and the surrounding stars so very very far from them.
„It's often nights like this when I start feeling closer to them again. Probably because when everything is so calm, the thoughts and memories come out so vivid, and I just wish that there were less miles between them and me. But at the same time, I feel a bit closer to them...“ he trailed off, keeping his eyes staring ahead. He really did miss his family, and it was rare that he would actually admit it in such manner. He wasn't really one to open up like that, simply because it was the one thing that made him so vulnerable.
Silence surrounded them once more.
Marcelo had paid attention to Johann's story, very closely even, but he needed another moment before he could let the other man know what happened to his own family. With a soft sigh, he ran his hand over his thigh to his knee, brushing over the fabric.
„I remember what the excitement felt like... knowing that there's a loved one to return to,“ he began to explain, „I wasn't always like this, as you know... . I used to have a family, a few years ago. It was only my wife and me then, and our little girl. She was barely a year old,“ Johann could tell that Marcelo's story was filled with pain, a lot of suffering involved, and sure darker than his own. „We were really happy. We weren't very rich, but we had everything we needed, and I really liked being a fisher, too. I feel sort of safer out on the water, with nature, than with my feet stuck on land – I've always been like that. Things were fine, until my wife got sick. You see, we never had much, and I tried everything possible to get her help, tried getting money any way possible. For some reason, I failed her though. I couldn't do enough... and when she died, most of everything I own sold, unable to work... I lost her, too. Eight years ago.“
The sigh that followed gave Johann a clear sign that it was too difficult for Marcelo to talk about it, but he couldn't hold it against him. He couldn't imagine what he'd feel like if he'd lose any of his girls. One thing was for sure though, Marcelo was a very strong man, for he was still there, sat next to Johann. It said a lot about him.
„That's a horrible thing to have to go through, Marcelo.“ Johann spoke, his voice quiet as he looked over at Marcelo. There were no tears in his eyes, on his face. A hint of sadness was visible, but it was also clear that the rough years on the streets had hardened him. In that moment Johann was more glad than ever before that he had taken Marcelo with him, knowing that he could really help to change his life for the better, and it was for someone who deserved it, especially after having to go through so much. There was ever only so much a man could take.
„I promise you, I'm going to help you make sure that once we get off this ship, I'll do everything I can to provide a good future for you. You'll like the people in my town, and it'll only get better from here...,“
As their talk went on, one calm night helped two men get to know very intimate sides of one another, helping to build trust, to build their friendship. It was quite important to the both of them. Marcelo especially, he couldn't even remember the last time he had managed to confide in someone in that way. It showed him how much he needed it. How important it was to have a friend, even if it was just one. One to not be alone anymore.
Without a doubt, Johann too had meant every word he'd said – especially the promise he had made. He could imagine that his family would be skeptical about his decision to help Marcelo, but he couldn't care less. Eventually, they would understand where he was coming from, too, and support him to make somebody's life a bit better. It wouldn't even that much trouble. Johann knew enough people in town, people who owned stores, factories, good people who'd be willing to give this foreign man a chance.
He couldn't have known that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise.
Johann Seidel had always strongly believed that the ocean and him shared a connection. It was a bigger power that needed to be treated right, that had control over him, but that he had an effect on just as well. He should have paid attention to the cool shiver running down his spine as he woke up that morning. He should have been more alarmed by the small, yet strong waves that kept crashing against his ship. Instead, he had faith. His belief was so strong that after the latest weeks' events, he knew the ocean would be on his side. He was so convinced, he shook every worry off of his crew members' features whenever he'd witness it. Fear was weakness, fear signaled mistrust. He trusted the ocean, and he needed his men to do the same. It was foolish indeed, but not to him, it wasn't.
He held onto the thought that the day would go by just like the ones before had, the worst possible scenario rain and a few stronger winds. He held onto that thought until he saw the horizon disappearing in black and lightning, the wind dying down completely, before it returned with such enormous power the water beneath them was more comparable to a massive earthquake.
It all happened so fast. Suddenly Johann found himself shouting commands at his crew to secure the deck, to take shelter, to do this, to do that, to not fear, yelling that they were going to make it, that it would be over any minute now.
They all knew that wasn't that case.
The moment Johann realized that there wasn't going to be another sunrise for them, he prayed to god that his loved ones would be kept safe. Even still then, he followed his duty as a captain as he tried to fight against the ocean up until the moment the force was too strong, and the ship couldn't withstand it any longer. He kept fighting until the complete loss of control – his panicked thoughts being with his family, his girls... his everything. But his very last thought was regret. He regretted having failed his crew... having failed the one man he had promised a better life, not the end of it. Holding on tightly to the wood in his hands, Johann faced the approaching wave in horror, his breath being knocked out of him before it even hit. His trust was gone, overshadowed by betrayal – but there was one belief that stayed within his spirit until the very end, until the oxygen once filling his lungs was replaced by water, and him and the ocean finally became one. Oh, how he hoped that belief would bring the salvation that they said would come. That in death lay salvation, and with it, eternal peace.
Even though he had always known just how risky every single journey was, having lost fellow men and colleagues before, it had become more than just a job. It was who he was. He saw himself as part of the whole; he belonged to the ocean, like the ocean belonged to him. Some would call it unthoughtful, but to him it was simply how things worked. He did what was needed to be done with a passion, a passion built on trust – trust in his instincts, his ship’s company, and in the ocean’s unpredictability.
Johann Seidel worked for a Bremen raw tobacco import company. His job was to make sure the trading could even take place, since the task was to bring goods and people to the opposite sides of the world, to make sure it all went well. They were out there for weeks, their destination mostly the same: Brazil. He didn’t really know too much about the business, the companies behind the orders he was given, but to be honest, he didn’t care too much about it either. It wasn’t his side of the deal, and he always knew just what he had to know to leave the German harbor, and then return from the Brazilian one again without any trouble.
Once the seven week long journey was done, and with it at least half of the entire journey, Johann did feel grateful to be standing on solid ground again. As much as he loved the ocean, and being out there, it was a relief to be back on land. For one simple reason: they had made it. Just because he didn’t fear the danger, didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of it, or ignored it; thus he was always thankful when his men and him made it over alive and well. Oddly enough, no one even got sick this time. Sure there were some sore throats, acing limbs and running noses here and there, but nothing too serious. It was often enough that things ended badly for some people while being stuck on such small space for so long. Johann didn’t waste a lot of time thinking about all of this – but he was thankful. It was one of those things that crossed his mind for a matter of seconds whenever he’d leave the ship at the destined harbor. With his mind set on business, dearly hoping that everything would go as smoothly as it had so far, he got to work….
It was a long, hot day for Johann in Brazil, but that was nothing new for him because the first days in Brazil were always the toughest. Not only the weather caused trouble, also the tobacco caused a few problems - so much to things going smoothly. First tradesmen from the German companies Johann worked with checked the tobacco and gave him the permission to load the goods on board, but as soon as the burning sun went down, rats came out of their holes and even out of the tobacco stocks. Half an hour later Johann woke up because he heard a scary noise, which came from the caboose. It was Leon the chef who was so scared that even the rats got goose bumps from his high and intensive screaming. He was so passionate about being scared - a few crew members wished he would be as passionate about flavoring his meals - the soup on the gas stove was as flat as always. As Johann walked downstairs, the rats made it very difficult for him to go into the caboose because the ship was contaminated by them. He never saw so many rats at once. The crew members gave their best to kill the rats. In the end Johann decided to leave the ship with his crew and to spend the night in an empty stockroom near the harbor, which belonged to the German company they worked for.
The following morning Johann woke up and felt a bit dizzy. What a horrible night he had had. He slept on the hard ground and woke up every five minutes because Leon thought there would be something in the dark. ''What an over-hysterical wimp!'', Johann said to himself. As he stood up and walked around, just to make sure that everyone was fine, it turned out that the problems of the night caused more consequences then he had expected. One crew members had been bitten by rats, and his body reacted really badly. In that moment he realized that they had to stay in Brazil for a bit longer. He called a doctor for the crew and went down the harbor to his ship. Near the pier he met the exterminators, who belonged to a German company managed by a friend of Johann’s. Because of said friendship he hoped to not have to pay all too much. These hopes got ruined quickly after they entered the ship and found the first rat's nests. The exterminators said that they’d need a few days to get the ship cleaned up again. Johann himself was so disappointed by it that he needed a few minutes on his own, to just get away from the stress, at least for a little while. As he followed a path down to the city he thought about his wife and how much he missed her and his hometown Bremen. He nearly got homesick but luckily he found something that increased his mood a bit – a market.
It was a traditional farmer's market, quite like he knew them from Germany, even if not entirely the same since they offered a lot more fruits and vegetables. As he went to one of the booths, he recognized a nervous looking man beside him. He wore no shoes, no socks nor any jacket. Just a white shirt and grey trousers both soaked in sweat and full of holes. Poor guy, Johann thought as he went closer to the booth and spoke a bit Portuguese with the vender – he spoke Portuguese whenever possible just to refresh his knowledge. He wasn’t fluent by any means, but he knew enough to get by alright. In the end he bought some apples, dragon fruits, coconuts, some tomatoes and fresh beans.
As he talked to the vender the poor man came closer and closer, almost knocking Johann over as his hands grabbed at several fruits from the table in front of him, just seconds before he wanted to run off. Johann nearly couldn’t observe everything that was going on, simply because of the speed it happened at. Before he knew it, a guy who must have witnessed the man’s actions exclaimed: “THIEF!”.
Alarmed, the salesman Johann had previously been chatting to reacted quickly, along with another shopper who had grabbed the man to keep him from leaving. With an angry frown on her face, the vender approached him, yelling at him in Portuguese, words rolling off her tongue so quickly that Johann could merely understand bits and pieces. He did, however, understand what was going on and decided to react before the scene in front of him escalated. He stopped the woman, offering her a kind smile as he spoke: “Não, não, por favor ...let me pay for what he’s taken.”
Keeping it a that, he pulled out a bit more money and paid for the food still firmly placed in the thief’s hands. Despite giving Johann a puzzled look, the vender turned away from the man and returned to her booth, accepting Johann’s payment, though not without giving him another questioning look. Deciding to ignore the looks he turned, opening his mouth to speak to the stranger just to find that he was already fleeing from where he had stood. Without even a word. Johann let out a sigh and instead grabbed his own purchases to make his way back to the harbor. At least he’d done a good deed, that’s what mattered to him.
As Johann told his men that they would have to stay in Brazil a little bit longer than expected, their mood didn’t exactly increase. That's why he bought the fruits and vegetables. They were thankful for the food, even if it wasn’t all that much. It was finally something different than they’d had during their seafaring, something nice, and they appreciated it. After the lunch he was informed about what the doctor had said, that the swollen rat bites were nothing to worry about. He gave every one of them a salve and said that they should take rest. The whole crew laughed at this point because they where sailors, they were meant to work on a ship and not to have a rest in an empty stockroom, they believed.
Three days later, Johann woke up on a surprisingly cold morning. It had rained for hours that night and he had been able to hear most of the raindrops falling down on the roof of the stockroom. He loved it because it reminded him of the nights on his ship. He slept so well. Maybe because he and his crew are able to go back to the ship – finally. As they went down the harbor it felt like stepping back into a zone where they were more comfortable, something that was less foreign. The sound of the sea gulls, the little waves that crashed by the pier, the wind. Everybody felt so happy for going back on board, except for Leon who felt a bit uncomfortable because of his last night on the ship – he sure had developed a phobia of rats. The first thing they realized were the nearly empty shelves in the caboose. Somebody had to go to the market and buy supplies for the way back to Bremen. Johann quickly grabbed Leon and four other crew members to join him. As soon as they were there, they split up, two went to the fish stall, two to the butcher and two – Johann was one of them – to the vender he met last time. After they bought the fruits and vegetables they wanted, they made their way back to the ship.
Just shortly before leaving he recognized a man in the crowd. The face looked so familiar to him and suddenly he knew who this person was. It was the thief he met last time who went closer and closer to another booth. Not this time, Johann thought and walked up to the booth.
''Stop it!'', he told him, his voice not raised, but firm. As the man recognized the voice he heard behind him he made to run off. Not feeling like giving up, Johann grabbed his arm carefully to hold him back. ''Why are you doing things like this? '', Johann asked. The thief didn’t answer, but that wasn't necessary because the tears in his eyes and his facial expression spoke their own language. Johann tried it again, now with a bit more breath, “Why are you stealing food?''.
The man just stood there and Johann found it really hard to read his expression. ''You have no money, right?''. The man nodded shyly . ''And you're homeless?'', he asked - surprised how sad it made him. The man nodded again and spoke: ''You don’t know how it feels! Unable to buy food, all the hunger. Without a home.” Johann was lost for words for a moment, just looking at the man in front of him. He looked so worn out – it really wasn’t like one couldn’t tell about his living conditions by looking at him. Hearing it out loud simply had a bigger effect on Johann. True, he’d already helped the man out a little bit… but a few fruits weren’t going to help him much. Johann sighed, hoping his offer wouldn’t be rejected. It seemed like the man wasn’t too open to accept help, for whatever reason.
“How about… you come and eat with us tonight? I think I’ll even find a cozy place for you to sleep.” he suggested with a warm smile, having the best intentions. His hope for a positive response was nearly crushed as the guy just kept staring at him silently, before eventually lowering his gaze. “I mean it. You can come.” Johann stressed. Slightly taken by surprise when the man’s tired looking pair of brown eyes suddenly looked back at him with a glimpse of hope in them, Johann gave him another reassuring smile.
And that’s what it took to invite one poor man, who had so little, to join Johann and his crew for a meal and hopefully help him out as much as they could. Johann didn’t even know why he felt so much sympathy for him, it wasn’t like it had been the first time he’d run into a homeless person, or a thief. But Johann was a man who went with his gut feeling, and he felt like this was the right thing to do – thus we went for it.
Quite like Johann had imagined, some of his men shot weird looks his and the man’s way as they arrived at the ship and he announced that they were having a guest. Luckily, it were merely those few looks they received, and no other kind of rejection. Johann didn’t want anyone to cause a scene about them not wanting to share or anything alike – the man needed it a lot more than they did anyway.
Upon sitting down for their meal, around the time when it had gotten a little bit more quiet on the ship and around them, Johann decided to try to pick up a conversation with the man again. “I’m Johann Seidel.” he said, his eyes on the other man, who in return looked slightly confused. “I haven’t introduced myself yet, my apologies. I’m Johann… I’m the Captain of this ship.” – “I’m…Marcelo,” he replied, his tone of voice nowhere near as confident as Johann’s, but at least he’d begun to talk. “Where’s…your home?” Johann couldn’t help but smile at Marcelo seeming to want to get to know him a bit and he was sure the ice was breaking.
Slowly, but surely the men’s conversation continued, the empty plates long forgotten about as Johann and Marcel continued to get to know one another a little bit better. In the end, just like he had promised, Johann offered Marcelo a place to slepe for the night. It wasn’t like they had any form of luxury either, but Johann imagined that the soft and quite comfortable bedding was more than what he had been used to. He ended up not even feeling to worried about the whole thing after getting to know Marcelo, at least to some extent, because he no longer thoughts he’d attempt to harm them in any way. One could never be sure about strangers, but this one, Johann simply trusted.
After slowly waking up the next morning, the captain wasn’t all too surprised to find the space he had given Marcelo to sleep in empty. Even though he had to admit to himself, he did feel a tiny bit disappointed. Perhaps Marcelo had simply had too many bad experiences with other people and had found it hard to trust in Johann – he didn’t blame him. Wiping the sleep from his eyes and deciding it was best to get up and see what the day would bring, and he was hoping for good news, Johann left his blanket’s comfort and made his way off the ship.
A joyful smile appeared on his face as one of the first things he heard was that they would shortly be able to begin to load the tobacco onto the ship again, which meant they’d soon be able to head home. Informing his crew about the news was the easy part, motivating their lazy asses to actually get to work would be more difficult. They did good work, no question, otherwise they wouldn’t be in his crew, but it was no secret that over the few days of having so little to do they had gotten used to relaxing. Blowing out one loud whistle to get his men’s attention, Johann greeted them all with a grin before giving the instruction on what exactly needed to be done. He himself would help as well, of course. Since filling the ship with the newly delivered tobacco and then having everything checked would probably take up the majority of the day, Johann knew they wouldn’t be leaving until the sun had set, and would rise again. It also meant they could get another good night of rest before heading out on the stormy see again, which was something positive. Fortunately , it didn’t even took too long until everyone had made their way off the ship to help get the cargo on board.
Several hours later, Johann was visibly surprised to find Marcelo standing not too far from his ship, looking straight over at him. Regardless of the confusion, he began to give Marcelo a warm smile as he saw the Brazilian man approach him. “Hello, Marcelo,” he greeted him. “Olá,”, Marcello spoke while rubbing his forearm for a moment,“I’m…sorry for leaving like that so early. I felt a bit bad… and I don’t want to cause you any trouble.” He neglected to mention that the main reason he had left was to get food, but he didn’t want Johann to be upset with him for stealing again. For some reason, this guys opinion about him matter to him. Maybe it was because he honestly seemed to care. It had been a long time since anybody had acted that way toward Marcelo – he really wasn’t used to it anymore.
“That’s quite alright, don’t worry about it,” Johann said, keeping his eyes on the man in front of him, who was slightly smaller than he himself. As Marcelo didn’t seem to really be looking back at him anymore, Johann followed the other man’s gaze and found him looking out at the ocean. It brought a soft smile to his face. ''You like the sea?'' Johann asked.
''Once I was a fisher. I really enjoyed working on a ship.'', Marcelo informed him. ''How come you’re not anymore?'', Johann asked in return, hoping that his question wouldn’t be too straight forward, but as he didn't answer and instead continued to look out at the sea, Johann wished he’d chosen his words more wisely. But there was something more to it. The way Marcelo looked at the water…, there was something in his facial expression that Johann thought was all too familiar. He realized that just like he did, Marcelo seemed to have some kind of connected to the endless blue in front of them. Johann stood by Marcelo’s side for a few more minutes, remaining quiet to give the guy at least a little bit of space. With only the waves and people’s voices in the distance creating a soundtrack around them, Johann suddenly had an idea. It seemed so random, and he didn’t really spend much time thinking about where this thought had suddenly come from. Instead he wanted to do what he knew was best, go with what he felt was right.
''You see my ship down there?'' Johann asked and pointed over to his ship on the left, ''As you know, it's mine and… we'll be sailing back home to Bremen in the morning. How would you like to come with us?'' He knew that again, his words were very straight forward, but he wasn’t one to beat about the bush. Turning his head just enough to look at the man beside him, Johann wasn’t surprised to find slight shock written all over his face. As much as he wouldn’t have expected to be asking that kind of question, Marcelo must have not been expecting to hear them.
“Look, I… I know that you don’t have a lot here, and I know it’s not easy for you. This is…my offer to make things a bit easier for you. You can come back with us, and I’ll help you get back on your feet.” He knew that asking a man to leave his home wasn’t a light thing to do – it was perhaps even rude, but considering the circumstances Johann believed that it would be a convenient option for Marcelo.
“You mean that?” Marcelo spoke quietly, still in disbelief.
“I do mean it, yes. You may come with us, if you really want to. I’m not forcing you to.” As he again didn’t replied, Johann turned more toward him, smiling softly. “How about this: You don’t have to make a choice now. We are leaving tomorrow morning, and if you want to join us, just come back to the pier, I’ll gladly take you along. And if you don’t, I’ll know.”Agreeing to Johann’s suggestion, both men went their separate ways. Johann had to get back to the ship to continue helping his crew, and as for Marcelo… it was no question that Johann had just given him a lot to think about. Even just making up his mind until the next morning, which wasn’t all that far away, wasn’t the easiest of things to do.
With everything actually having gone by without trouble this time, Johann and his crew woke up to a rather busy morning. It were their last few hours at the Brazilian harbor, their last chances to purchase what they felt was still needed for the journey, their last chance to get everything ready. And this time around everyone really wanted to leave. They had spent more time overseas than they had expected to and even if it didn’t make that much of a difference, each day was just one more day further from home. Considering how far that still was regardless of where they were, it was understandable that they wanted to depart as soon as possible, especially now that they were able to at last.
Walking around on deck to make sure everything was the way it was supposed to be, Johann was distracted by his name being called. He immediately looked up just to find Marcelo standing by the end of the bridge to the ship. Approaching the entrance with a welcoming smile, Johann indicated to Marcelo to come on board.
”Marcelo, my friend. I’m glad you decided to come,” he greeted him, patting his hand softly on his shoulder. Truth be told, it hadn’t been all that easy for Marcelo to make up his mind, but in the end he told himself he had nothing to lose. He had already lost everything of value to him and finally he found someone who was willing to help him out of his misery. He was convinced that it was a chance of a lifetime, a one-way ticket to get out and start a new life and even if he didn’t image in to be simple, it sure was going to be simpler than he life he knew.
After giving Marcelo a more precise tour of the ship he informed his crew of his decision and furthermore, why he had decided to take Marcelo along. Most of his men didn’t say much more, thought they accepted it, since it was their captain’s decision after all. Besides, they all knew it was a very genuine thing to do. Johann briefly filled him in on everything he needed to know, about the ship, the company, where they came from, and how Johann hoped he could help his guys out during their journey, at least a bit. Marcelo wouldn’t be having a hard time, but he didn’t ask for any further explanation anyway, feeling like it would only be fair if he gave those men at least something for helping him get away.
Everyone was in a rather good mood as they could finally set sail and the Brazilian harbor got more and more out of view – even though Marcelo stared back at it with a heavy heart, at least for a little while. He wouldn't have dreamed about something like that happening to him, not ever, but he felt ready to step right into that adventure, and make the best out of it. He felt good on the ship. The other people on board were very welcoming, and tried their best to talk to Marcelo even if it sometimes wasn't the easiest because of them being linguistically diverse. They all started to enjoy each other's company, and he soon found himself part of the group. It felt good to finally be accepted again, to have cleaned clothes, which Johann had nicely offered him. The past years had been hard on Marcelo, it was written all over his face, but being out there again, with people who finally treated him like a human being, and with the fresh salty sea air finally filling his lungs again, he was determined to forget and move on.
Except that wasn't always so easy.
Several days after the ship had left the harbor, Marcelo found himself on deck one calm night, sitting on one of the empty boxes and staring ahead into what looked like an eternity of darkness. The moon and the stars lit up the sky just enough to enable him to see, though he couldn't see a lot. He had moved all the way to the front of the ship where he knew he could have some privacy, since if anyone would be up, they'd be in the back. Everything was so quiet, so peaceful, there was no way he could have stopped his thoughts from drifting back to memories of times long gone, the things that once made his life worth living.
When Johann spotted Marcelo on deck and slowly approached him, he in no way intended to startled the poor man like he did. It caused both of them to chuckle after the short moment of shock, and Johann slowly sat down beside his new found friend. „My apologies,“ he mumbled, also looking out at the water. „It's alright. I didn't hear you coming,“ he heard in reply before both of them went silent again to enjoy the peace and quiet the night had to offer.
Johann couldn't help himself though. He seemed to sense that something was up, and with his good amount of life experience, it wasn't too hard to tell that there was something mourning inside of Marcelo. Each and everyone had their story – Johann thought it would be good for Marcelo to share his, to let him know what he'd been through. To loosen him up a little bit, he figured it would be a good idea to tell him more about his own.
„You know... I have my family back at home in Bremen. My wife, Anna, and... two beautiful daughters. I spend a lot of time away from them while I work. These journeys are so long and tiring, and god, do I miss them,“ he began, his voice a lot soften than usual as he spoke this time, „I wouldn't say it's always easy for us. I know they're back at home worrying about me, because they don't know the ocean like I do. I worry about them, too. So much can happen when you're gone for so long and can't protect them.“ With his hands resting on his lap, he let his eyes look up toward the moon, taking in the beautiful, cold light and the surrounding stars so very very far from them.
„It's often nights like this when I start feeling closer to them again. Probably because when everything is so calm, the thoughts and memories come out so vivid, and I just wish that there were less miles between them and me. But at the same time, I feel a bit closer to them...“ he trailed off, keeping his eyes staring ahead. He really did miss his family, and it was rare that he would actually admit it in such manner. He wasn't really one to open up like that, simply because it was the one thing that made him so vulnerable.
Silence surrounded them once more.
Marcelo had paid attention to Johann's story, very closely even, but he needed another moment before he could let the other man know what happened to his own family. With a soft sigh, he ran his hand over his thigh to his knee, brushing over the fabric.
„I remember what the excitement felt like... knowing that there's a loved one to return to,“ he began to explain, „I wasn't always like this, as you know... . I used to have a family, a few years ago. It was only my wife and me then, and our little girl. She was barely a year old,“ Johann could tell that Marcelo's story was filled with pain, a lot of suffering involved, and sure darker than his own. „We were really happy. We weren't very rich, but we had everything we needed, and I really liked being a fisher, too. I feel sort of safer out on the water, with nature, than with my feet stuck on land – I've always been like that. Things were fine, until my wife got sick. You see, we never had much, and I tried everything possible to get her help, tried getting money any way possible. For some reason, I failed her though. I couldn't do enough... and when she died, most of everything I own sold, unable to work... I lost her, too. Eight years ago.“
The sigh that followed gave Johann a clear sign that it was too difficult for Marcelo to talk about it, but he couldn't hold it against him. He couldn't imagine what he'd feel like if he'd lose any of his girls. One thing was for sure though, Marcelo was a very strong man, for he was still there, sat next to Johann. It said a lot about him.
„That's a horrible thing to have to go through, Marcelo.“ Johann spoke, his voice quiet as he looked over at Marcelo. There were no tears in his eyes, on his face. A hint of sadness was visible, but it was also clear that the rough years on the streets had hardened him. In that moment Johann was more glad than ever before that he had taken Marcelo with him, knowing that he could really help to change his life for the better, and it was for someone who deserved it, especially after having to go through so much. There was ever only so much a man could take.
„I promise you, I'm going to help you make sure that once we get off this ship, I'll do everything I can to provide a good future for you. You'll like the people in my town, and it'll only get better from here...,“
As their talk went on, one calm night helped two men get to know very intimate sides of one another, helping to build trust, to build their friendship. It was quite important to the both of them. Marcelo especially, he couldn't even remember the last time he had managed to confide in someone in that way. It showed him how much he needed it. How important it was to have a friend, even if it was just one. One to not be alone anymore.
Without a doubt, Johann too had meant every word he'd said – especially the promise he had made. He could imagine that his family would be skeptical about his decision to help Marcelo, but he couldn't care less. Eventually, they would understand where he was coming from, too, and support him to make somebody's life a bit better. It wouldn't even that much trouble. Johann knew enough people in town, people who owned stores, factories, good people who'd be willing to give this foreign man a chance.
He couldn't have known that he wouldn't be able to keep that promise.
Johann Seidel had always strongly believed that the ocean and him shared a connection. It was a bigger power that needed to be treated right, that had control over him, but that he had an effect on just as well. He should have paid attention to the cool shiver running down his spine as he woke up that morning. He should have been more alarmed by the small, yet strong waves that kept crashing against his ship. Instead, he had faith. His belief was so strong that after the latest weeks' events, he knew the ocean would be on his side. He was so convinced, he shook every worry off of his crew members' features whenever he'd witness it. Fear was weakness, fear signaled mistrust. He trusted the ocean, and he needed his men to do the same. It was foolish indeed, but not to him, it wasn't.
He held onto the thought that the day would go by just like the ones before had, the worst possible scenario rain and a few stronger winds. He held onto that thought until he saw the horizon disappearing in black and lightning, the wind dying down completely, before it returned with such enormous power the water beneath them was more comparable to a massive earthquake.
It all happened so fast. Suddenly Johann found himself shouting commands at his crew to secure the deck, to take shelter, to do this, to do that, to not fear, yelling that they were going to make it, that it would be over any minute now.
They all knew that wasn't that case.
The moment Johann realized that there wasn't going to be another sunrise for them, he prayed to god that his loved ones would be kept safe. Even still then, he followed his duty as a captain as he tried to fight against the ocean up until the moment the force was too strong, and the ship couldn't withstand it any longer. He kept fighting until the complete loss of control – his panicked thoughts being with his family, his girls... his everything. But his very last thought was regret. He regretted having failed his crew... having failed the one man he had promised a better life, not the end of it. Holding on tightly to the wood in his hands, Johann faced the approaching wave in horror, his breath being knocked out of him before it even hit. His trust was gone, overshadowed by betrayal – but there was one belief that stayed within his spirit until the very end, until the oxygen once filling his lungs was replaced by water, and him and the ocean finally became one. Oh, how he hoped that belief would bring the salvation that they said would come. That in death lay salvation, and with it, eternal peace.