Forget About It

“Who do you think you are? Do you think I’m incapable of doing this job?” Frank asks angrily.

“You’re a fucking kid, you don’t know a goddamn thing about what it’s like being an agent. You don’t know a thing! All you’ve ever learned was memorized from some ten year old textbook written by some prick who didn’t have the balls to make it as a real FBI agent. Frank, you can’t do this yet, but you think you can, and you keep getting in the way of anything that might be helpful. You know nothing of the real world, you’ve stepped into this thinking you’re ready but you’re not. You’re a kid, and I don’t care what you say you are. You don’t know a thing about being in my shoes, but you think you do” Gerard says.

“You don’t know me! You don’t know how prepared or how skilled I am. You don’t even look at my accomplishments, because you see nothing but my flaws. I can do this, but you’re not even giving me a chance. You’re just an old guy complaining about the sky falling when there’s nothing wrong.”

Gerard’s eyes are icy and furious when he turns to look at Frank, “You’re not even remotely aware of the strain a job like this can put on a person. You think it’s all fun and games, catching a killer and putting them behind bars, but you have no idea what it does to a person. You can’t fathom the things that you have to deal with. You have to bury all this shit in your brain, because if you don’t then you’ll never sleep again. All the horror of the world that people pretend aren’t there, and all the monsters. People like to kid themselves and say that that stuff only happens in movies, but then you see it, and you live it. The damage it does to you is enormous. The blood, and the stench of a dead body. All the filth of the world that we have to deal with, and we internalize it and then there you are Frank, thinking that this is just a job.

“This isn’t a job, Frank, it’s a downward spiral. The first time you look into the eyes of a heartless murderer is the first step, and then you sink. You sink into the sternness required for the job. You have to lose all sense of disgust, you have to think in the mind of a person without morals, and you have to empathize with people so rotten it hurts your soul. After a while you just feel so unclean that there’s no part left of you that can deal with meddlesome rookies. After a while you see everything and there’s no room to put up with the questions, and the naiveté. There’s just nothing, but you, Frank, don’t get that.”

“I get-”

“Oh really? Do you know the fear of being shot at, or the ache of letting a killer get away from you? Can you even imagine what it’s like to find a dead body? First you smell it, and then you have to look down at the corpse of someone whose life was unnaturally taken. The scars that those experiences leave make you wish you never took this job. Sure, you want to help people now, you want to make the world safer than it is, but then you see the sickos and the serial killers and you forget why the world needs protecting. Why should I put up with an arrogant little bastard like you? Why should I have to deal with one more wretched thing in my life, which makes it all so much harder to handle? The answer is that I can’t, Frank. I can’t just put up with your rude, snide remarks, and your disrespectful behavior. I have seen so many things that make me want to chuck my link to humanity off a bridge, and I don’t need you coming in here acting like you own the place, and demeaning my ability.”

Frank doesn’t say anything, and none of the rest of them do either. The silence is louder than a foghorn, and it stings just as painfully.

“So, I guess the answer to your question is yes. I don’t think you have what it takes. Yet,” Gerard adds the ‘yet’ because he’s not that awful a human being. Frank might be a great agent someday, but it won’t be under Gerard’s supervision that that happens.

“I’m not some kid, and I know this isn’t something I can tuck away at night. You don’t think I understood what I was signing up for at Quantico? I know that the world is full of ugly things, but everyone has the right to be treated as human, yet you forewent my right to that when first we met, and I think you’ve forgotten that everyone goes through a learning process. I know I’m not an expert, but you treat me like my head is empty!”

“I haven’t forgotten that, no. But I think what you need to remember is that no one has the desire to help those whose heads are as full of helium as yours. You sauntered into my office on your first day with every intent to undermine my authority, and in return, I decided not to grant you the nicety of liberal acceptance. If you come into my territory acting like you know everything, then you had damn well be able to live up to it. On your first day, you acted like you owned the place and you didn’t have the intelligence to understand that people were trying to work. This may come as a surprise to you, but the whole world does not pardon itself for you. Sometimes, you have to accept that you can’t do anything to help, because other people don’t have the room to include you, and on your very first day you disregarded that. You acted like you deserved to be included in on every aspect of an ongoing case that you weren’t originally a part of in the first place. We were busy enough that having to explain things to the new guy wasn’t in the cards. If you’d just waited a day, Frank, maybe I wouldn’t have a problem with you.”

“You wouldn’t let me do anything!”

“Yeah, you’re right, Frank. I didn’t want you to do anything because it was your first day. You’re not always going to have something to do, and you wouldn’t accept that sometimes people are busy when they’re working. If you’d just waited, Frank. If you’d patiently waited for your superiors to call on you then I would have no reason to hate you. If you had given consideration to other people’s time and patience then we wouldn’t have a problem. You didn’t though, you forced yourself into the case when it was clear that no one was in a position to allow you into their work, because you didn’t think. You weren’t thinking! You have to remember that we’re a team, and sometimes, just sometimes, we need to be left to our own work rather than be forced to entertain bratty little smart-asses like you. Teams are supposed to rely on each other, and listen to each other, especially when you have someone in charge. You didn’t do either.”

“But you ended up using my help,” Frank retorts.

“Yes, and I appreciate your help, but you made it a point to get in other peoples fucking way on your first day of work! It’s a process you’re eased into, because that’s how you can be the most useful. I had no use of someone who knew nothing about being an FBI agent, and you didn’t accept that. Instead you pushed, and you pried and then you became surprised when you’re presence wasn’t appreciated. How would you feel if I came into your house and started degrading your work and forcing my way into things you don’t have time to explain?”

“Jesus, Gerard-”

“You wouldn’t like that would you? You wouldn’t like the fact that some punk who thought he knew everything there was to know, started trying to tell you how to do your job that you have been doing for years before him. So do me a favor Frank, and just get off my team,” he’s tempted to tell Frank to drop out of the job altogether, but he decides against it, “You’re not cut out for this type of work; you’re unpredictable, you’re loud, you’ve got an ego about the size of Canada, and you can’t even follow simple orders."

“Ok, that’s bullshit Gerard! You think I don’t know what I got myself into when I signed myself up for this type of work? I know exactly what I did. What I don't know is what the fuck has been up your ass since I met you. I didn't come in here and try to tell you how to do your job, and I definitely didn't come here to just be a smart-ass. I came here to do what you do on a daily basis Gerard, which is help people. I forced myself onto a case because I believed I could be some sort of help while you were just running around like a chicken that had no head. I wanted to help find that little girl if it took everything I had, Gerard. That's what I'm here for, and fuck if I'm going to let someone like you force me out of something I believe I have the right to do! I'm here to stay Gerard, whether you like it or not," Frank finishes his statement and takes a breath.

Both of their chests are heaving and their faces are flushed from anger. Frank had been wanting to say that to him ever since he found that Gerard couldn't stand him. Hopefully, now they could be on the same page and not have to dance around this like a bunch of teenagers.

Gerard sends him a cruel smirk and laughs. Frank feels his stomach plummet to the ground.

"You're just a sad little kid aren't you? You think you know, but you don't," Gerard laughs again and shakes his head, still chuckling like he finds the situation very amusing.

Suddenly, Frank’s seeing red and he digs his fingernails into his hands, making burning half-crescents in his palm. If he was the punk kid he was in high school, he would have already punched Gerard right in his pretty little mouth, but he has more self-control than that. Barely. Turning on his heels he leaves the room.

"Fuck this, I'm not fucking dealing with this bullshit."

Gerard watches Frank leave with a smirk on his face. Despite what Frank said, Gerard is sure that Frank will be leaving the force soon, or at least Gerard’s team, and he won't have to deal with his punk ass any longer.