Broken Things

When the foot of my bed shifted that next morning, I was expecting Declan.

“Go away,” I muttered into my pillow, shifting under the sheets to pull them up over my head further.

“We’re going on a run. Get up.”

The voice was distinctly feminine, and I paused for a moment, allowing myself to poke my head up. Ashley wore a pair of yoga pants and a tight-fitting tank top.

“I don’t run,” I responded.

“We’ll walk then. Up.”

I’m not sure why I listened. Ashley wasn’t anyone I knew from Eve, really, but there was something about the way she said it, like it wasn’t optional, that motivated me to throw the duvet off with a loud sigh and run my hands through my hair. Seemingly pleased, Ashley stood and crossed the room to the doorway.

“You have fifteen minutes. I’ll wait in the living room.”

I grunted in response, trying to rub the sleep from my eyes. A moment later, she disappeared down the hall.

As far as workout gear went, I didn’t have much. I was never really one for physical activity. I was far too lazy and enjoyed a good meal. I had been blessed with a fast metabolism, so while I might not have been as toned as I would have liked, I wasn’t exactly what one would consider chubby either.

After five minutes of digging through drawers to find a pair of cotton shorts and an old tee-shirt, I threw my hair up haphazardly and began for the living room, where Ashley sat in wait, tapping her foot impatiently. Beside her, Declan sipped a mug of tea and flipped through channels.

“We’ll be back,” she told him when she saw me, giving his leg a firm pat before standing and heading toward the door.

Declan glanced over at me and gave me a salute. “Godspeed,” he told me.

I snorted. “Thanks. I’ll need it.”

I followed after Ashley, shutting the door firmly behind me. When I turned, she was already at the bottom of the stairs, jogging in place. I looked down at her and considered briefly running back into the apartment and locking the door, but figured this didn’t fare well for my budding friendship with a girl who was soon to become Declan’s girlfriend, so I sucked it up and reluctantly made my way down the steps.

She smiled brightly at me as I joined her, which only made me feel worse. As if she could sense how much I hated my life, she gave me a playful poke in the hip and promised, “I’ll go easy on you.”

I’m not sure which part of the workout was supposed to be the easy part. Intermittently, she’d stop and demand squats, or worse, that we jog. I let this go on for far too long before I finally collapsed on a bench three miles from our apartment.

Ashley jogged on for a few moments before realizing I was no longer with her. She turned, placing her hands on her hips while I waved her over, heaving and struggling to catch my breath.

“Dios mio,” she muttered under her breath, a curse aimed at my weakness. I ignored her, focusing instead on slowing my racing heart.

“I’m not made for this,” I told her, running a hand through my hair, which was falling out of its ponytail. “I am made for breakfast burritos and Chinese buffets, but not this.”

She let out a bark of laughter beside me as she crossed her legs gracefully, checking the time on her watch. I glared at her, huffing and puffing while she breathed calmly through her nose, clearly more practiced than I.

“I planned on going further, but I guess this is as good of a place as any,” she sighed, dropping her arm and giving me a leveled look.

“Good of a place as any for what?” I asked. “Cardiac arrest?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m glad Harry’s turned on by your dramatics, because I’m pretty unamused.”

I let out a groan, sinking lower on the bench. I should have seen this coming.

Ashley didn’t just show up at the foot of my bed with a hankering for a run and no other options for a partner. This was about Harry.

It was always about Harry.

“Spare me, please,” I begged.

“We had a bit of a chat last night when you left,” she told me instead.

I didn’t have a response. I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen at the party after I left. I only knew that I’d sunk into the cab ride with the light buzz I’d had from my one drink already faded. Completey sober, I’d dished out the $28 I owed the cabbie and made my way into the apartment to scrub the make-up off my face and brush through the curls in my hair. Stripping down to an oversized shirt that had once belonged to my father, then my mother, and finally me, I fell into bed and tried to fall asleep. When my mind raced too fast for any state of unconsciousness to befall me, I got up and took some unneccesary cold medicine to do the trick. I hadn’t had time to check my mobile before this excursion with Ashley, but I imagined it probably had a few missed calls and texts.

Ashley’s breathing rate was almost back to normal again, and I wanted to curse her for that alone. This, on top of whatever sage advice she was about to drop on me had me wishing I would have just told her to fuck off in the first place when she showed up at the foot of my bed.

Live and learn.

“Ashley, there’s nothing you can accomplish here. Harry and I are fine. I didn’t feel like being at the party anymore, so I left. Case closed,” I told her, still heaving for air. She looked at me skeptically.

“And this has nothing to do with Olivia Rasmussen?”

“Who?” I asked. Ashley’s eyes narrowed.

There was no hiding the fact that it had been Harry’s “friend” who had scared me off in the first place. While it sort of sucked that she was a thing Harry was doing, it also wasn’t my place to hold it against him. After all, Harry shagged half the European continent when we’d broken it off four years prior. Old habits die hard.

“Harry can stick it in wherever he likes. It’s none of my business,” I finally said in response to Ashley’s question.

“Don’t be so crass,” she scoffed at me. I couldn’t help but smile a little, and neither could she. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. “So where does that put you two, then?”

I sighed and sat up straighter, pulling my hair down from the ponytail it had fallen out of and trying to gather it all up again in a more presentable fashion.

“I don’t know,” I admitted honestly. “We don’t even know each other anymore.”

Ashley grinned and stood, offering me her hand. I scanned it warily before accepting and allowing myself to be pulled to my feet.

“I think it’s worth a shot to get to know him again. You might like what you find.”

–

When we arrived back at the apartment, I bid farewell to Ashley and headed straight for the bathroom to take a shower. It was warm now, mid-afternoon, and I had a sheen of sweat covering every inch of me. I paused in the hallway, glancing over my shoulder just in time to see Declan press a chaste kiss to her lips, thanking her quietly before giving her arm a squeeze. She brushed him off, playfully bumping her hip into his as she pulled open the door and promised to see him soon. With a small smile on my lips, I continued my journey to my room, where I found clean clothes before hopping in the shower.

There was this song I liked by The 1975, The City, and despite the fact that I was sort of in love with their entire discography, that line ‘get in the shower if it all goes wrong’ always made me smile. I found myself humming it as I washed the grime from my body, massaging shampoo and conditioner into my hair and fogging up the mirrors.

I emerged a full twenty minutes later, feeling refreshed if not a little pruny in my digits. My hair smelled satisfyingly of strawberries, and I towel dryed out my hair as I emerged from a cloud of steam in a loose Ramones shirt and a white mesh pair of shorts.

Mixed in with the fruity scent of my shampoo was a rich smell that brought a smile to my face. I folded my towel over one my hamper to dry before brushing through my hair with my fingers and making my way down the hallway, toward the living room.

“I smell pizza,” I declared happily, crossing through room toward the kitchen.

I paused in my tracks upon taking note of the two boys standing there, backs to me. Declan was digging around for plates, Harry frozen in place with a box in his hand, looking like a deer in headlights. I realized he was studying my apperance, my wet hair to my painted blue toenails. I tugged at my Ramones shirt self-consciously, and he zeroed in there for a moment before immediately turning around to grab the plates Declan was offering him.

“Hungry?” Declan asked, glancing at me over his shoulder.

I was at such a loss as to what to do, I could only deftly nod my head in response. Declan glanced over at Harry, who had busied himself with digging through the takeout bag for breadsticks, before gesturing for me to follow him out of the kitchen. I let him pass by me first, following behind.

After a brief look in the direction of the kitchen, he lowered his head close enough to whisper. “Is this okay?”

“What do you mean?” I asked in response, though I knew exactly what he meant. I was buying time to figure out what the real answer was.

“Ashley said you told her you and Harry were fine, but you walked in kitchen and panicked when you saw him, and I know Harry’s confused as to what’s going on, too.”

I bit my lip, eyes downturned to the hardwood floors that still felt warm despite the constant hum of the air conditioner.

“I don’t know,” I began, but then changed my course of direction. “Actually, no. This is fine. I was just surprised, but I’m okay.”

He raised a brow skeptically and I turned my head slightly to meet his eyes. Whatever he read there must have been vaguely positive because he nodded before walking back into the kitchen. I hesitated a moment longer before following suit.

Harry was finishing up placing slices of pizza on a plate, politely humming to himself as he found a napkin to wipe his hands off. There was no doubt he knew what we’d been discussing, but he didn’t comment on it as he passed a plate with meat lover’s on it over to Declan and handed me one with onion, tomato, and green pepper.

I swallowed thickly. Declan didn’t know how I liked my pizza, something I teased him about every time he brought me home cheese, so I knew this was knowledge Harry had retained about me from our time spent together years prior.

“Thanks,” I told him earnestly, and his green eyes shot to mine, as if surprised I’d spoken to him.

“No problem,” he brushed it off before heading in the direction of the living room. Declan grabbed two beers from the fridge while I rifled around for a sparkling water. He smiled at my non-alcoholic choice before disappearing through the doorway. When I followed suit, Declan was at the far end of the couch, Harry beside him. I bit my lip, sucking in a breath as I padded over to the other end of the couch, Harry to my right.

“What are we watching, boys?” I asked in a desperate attempt to sound nonchalant about the whole thing. Part of the ploy was nonchalantly opening my sparkling water, but the seal was stubborn. Harry wordlessly reached for it, easily twisting the top off before handing it back to me with a roll of his eyes. I smiled sheepishly as I accepted it back.

“Anything that isn’t 19 Kids and Counting,” Declan responded dully, flipping through TV channels. Harry snorted.

“I like the Duggars...” I defended lamely before shoving a piece of pizza in my mouth. This only elicited another eye roll from Harry, who picked up a breadstick.

“We could Netflix,” Harry suggested, and Declan nodded in agreement, flipping the TV over to his gaming console. I adjusted myself on the couch, folding my legs beneath me and resting my plate on the arm. Harry absently picked a piece of hamburger from his pizza.

“We could watch Clueless,” I said jokingly.

“As if,” Harry replied, and I couldn’t help but laugh before taking a sip of my water.

“Still better than 19 Kids and Counting,” Declan commented.

“Oh, come off it. They were having a marathon once and I didn’t have anything better to do.”

“There’s no reason I should know enough about that show to be concerned with why all their names begin with the same letter, Sawyer,” he muttered. The smile didn’t leave my face.

I let the boys argue over the merits of Amelie or Side Effects, effectively eating most of my meal in the time it took them to decide 21 And Over would only be a shitty attempt at a college-version Hangover. They finally settled on Donnie Darko, a movie Declan hadn’t seen and Harry admitted to liking.

“It’s a classic,” was all I had to offer in way of commentary. The truth was I found it all too entertaining to watch Harry and Declan argue about it. I could have done without the movie, content to listen to them bicker all night.

As the opening credits began, I finished up the last of my pizza, leaving only the crust behind. Harry took a swig of his beer, trying to be discrete in looking over at my plate as he settled back into the couch and finished up his own food. He snarfed down the rest of his pizza easily, crust and all, and sat his plate on the coffee table. Every so often, his green eyes would find their way over to my leftover crust.

Eventually, I handed my plate over to him, hitting him in the chest with the edge. He started, caught up in watching Jake Gyllenhal ride his bike home from wherever he’d woken up in the mountains.

“Here,” I said. He reached up to take the plate, brows furrowed as he looked over at me. I shrugged.

“You’ve been eyeing it. Take it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

With a small smile, he took the two remaining pieces of crust and shoved it in his mouth. I returned to the movie, pulling my legs out from beneath me to rest on the table.

“I never got this movie,” I found myself saying.

Harry swallowed what was in his mouth before glancing over at me.

“What don’t you get?”

“The whole Frank thing. Why was he there?”

“It’s the time travel.”

“I’m so happy I’ve seen this movie so many thousands of times before, otherwise this blatant spoiler would be so very annoying,” Declan interjected, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

I couldn’t help but giggle, leaning forward to watch as Declan narrowed his eyes at the screen in a dramatic effort to get us both to shut up.

“Okay, I get the time travel part, but what was the point in Frank saving him in the first place?” I continued, lowering my voice.

“Can’t really remember. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it,” Harry admitted.

“Is it going to be like this all night?” Declan burst forward, glaring at the two of us. We both began laughing, Harry mimicking zipping his lip and throwing away the key as I settled back into my spot, grinning to myself.

I soon found myself engulfed in the movie as the sun moved lower in the sky outside, casting long shadows from the sparse furniture in the room. Eventually, the air conditioner caught up with the cooling temperatures outside, and I unfolded a blanket, pulling it up to my shoulders as I let my head fall on my fist, supported by the couch’s arm.

“Do you remember the last time we did this?” Harry asked quietly, startling me.

My head shot over in his direction, but he was still faced forward. Declan had fallen asleep beside him, his head lolling to one side as he slouched into the cushions.

“What?” I asked, not sure if I’d heard him correctly.

“I talked you into watching a horror movie,” he said, finally letting his eyes rest on me.

Of course I remembered it. It was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life.

He’d somehow convinced me to watch the first twenty minutes of The Exorcist, which I knew was a bad idea to begin with, but I really didn’t have much defense when he talked with his hands, which he did often. His green eyes had trapped me, and his lopsided smile promising me it would just be a movie and he’d keep me safe regardless. I’d sighed my reluctant agreement into his mouth and he laughed, pressing another kiss to my lips before popping in the movie.

Nothing had even happened yet, but I felt a sense of terror washing over me in anticipation of what I knew was yet to come. Harry would roll my eyes as I buried my face into his neck, practically sitting on his lap while essentially nothing took place.

Finally, I put my foot down.

“I can’t do this,” I’d told him, reaching over him for the remote and turning the TV off.

“Sawyer, they’re setting up the backstory. Nothing has even happened yet,” he told me, smiling despite his slight annoyance. I’d always admired his patience with me.

“I don’t do scary movies. You know this.”

“Well what do you suggest we do then?”

He hadn’t asked it suggestively, but rather in a way that I knew he was truly puzzled as to what to do now. Still, studying him in the dim light of my mum’s basement, sharing a blanket and already so close to him, I couldn’t help but reach up to trap him in a kiss.

We’d had sex before, but that was the last time. Neither of us knew it then, but in the coming weeks he’d be off to Manchester to audition for the X Factor and everything would unravel.

Watching Harry in the fading orange light the sunset outside was casting, I couldn’t help but feel like while this Harry maybe wasn’t the same guy he’d been when we were sixteen and fooling around on a couch in my basement, there was still something that connected us, that maybe always would. I’d always find him handsome, always want to feel his pouty mouth pressed to mine and sighing my name, and that was probably the worst of it. Four years later, and he still left me speechless.

Harry’s thoughts might have been headed in the same direction, because he cleared his throat and returned his eyes to the movie screen. I wet my lips as I tried to figure out why he’d bring up something so intimate, especially with where we stood.

“I remember,” I finally answered, hoping that it would effectively close up whatever reminiscing conversation he’d tried to open up.

“I just...” he began, and I almost groaned. He rolled his lips together before finally saying, “It’s not like that with Olivia. We’re not together or anything. I haven’t properly been with someone since you.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I said, trying to remind myself to keep my voice low so as not to wake Declan.

Harry shook his head and set his feet on the floor. A moment later, he pushed off the couch and grabbed his plate and mine. I stared up at him, dumbfounded while he avoided my gaze. Just when I thought he wouldn’t say anything more, he opened his mouth to speak.

“Because you’re too polite to ask, and you’re wearing my tee shirt.”

He disappeared into the kitchen, and I could hear him depositing our plates into the dishwasher. The movie still had ten minutes to go, but Harry quickly slipped into his boots and disappeared out the door without saying another word.

I sat there, staring after him as Declan snored beside me. Looking down at the Ramones shirt, I wondered how it had slipped my mind that it had, in fact, once belonged to Harry. I only knew it had become a source of comfort in my life, and with Harry’s disappearance and complete lack of contact, his association with it had eventually faded, leaving behind only a warm tranquility in its wake.

I didn’t realize I’d started crying until I watched a dark spot soak into the fabric of the shirt.