Hearts Like Ours

Harry could feel Charlie’s gaze as he leaned against the railing on his forearms, looking out into the horizon. The clouds had disappaited for the most part, revealing the sun just as it began to sink lower, preparing for its setting. They were outside now, having finished their meal. It seemed he’d only scratched the surface with his story, telling her everything of the last few months, starting with the dissatisfied feeling in his chest that overtook him in the nighttime. He hadn’t made it too far in the story between mouthfuls of his burger, but he could sense that Charlie simply appreciated the fact that he was trying.

“I was nearing the end of the journal, so I went back and found all those books you wrote down. I took the list to this bookstore and bought them all in an attempt to elongate having to say goodbye. I didn’t know what I would feel like afterward. I honestly didn’t even finish the journal until I was on the plane here,” he admitted.

“You read all those books?” Charlie asked in disbelief.

“Not yet. Most of them, though.”

“Even The Fault In Our Stars?” she raised an eyebrow. He let out a chuckle.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”

She laughed, turning away from him to fix her eyes on the view. The cool Seattle wind played with her hair, pushing it back from her face in short gusts. The air smelled salty, yet pleasant.

“What are you thinking?” he asked quietly from beside her.

She bit her lip as she contemplated her response. The sleeves of her hoodie were too long for her arms and in the chilly air, she’d let them slide over her hands like gloves, creating a barrier between the cool, wet metal railing and her warm skin. She shifted her weight before opening her mouth to speak.

“I’m upset, I guess.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he apologized, his eyes falling from her in guilt.

“I’m not upset with you.”

He turned to look at her, but she refused to meet his eyes.

“I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you felt that way. It doesn’t make sense that you’d be so unhappy with something that’s supposed to bring you joy.”

“It was exhaustion.”

“Bullshit. You still feel it.”

How could she possibly know that? He made no reply, shrugging half-heartedly to himself. He was still in the process of re-bounding, it was true, caught somewhere between where he had been before finding the journal and regaining his balance. Harry still wasn’t fully back to himself, but he was getting there.

“You can’t live like this,” she said. He parted his lips to ask what she meant, but she didn’t give him the time. “That isn’t life. Shuffling around, going where you’re told to go, doing what others want you to do, that’s not what it’s about. You have this irrational fear of letting others down, but you’re going to despite what you do. There’s no way to please everyone and you’re stretching yourself thin, sacrificing your own happiness. It’s not healthy.”

Harry let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Leaning forward, his head fell to meet the cold steel of the railing. He squeezed his eyes closed as he enjoyed the transfer of his heat to the metal.

“What exactly do you propose I do?”

“Take time off, for starters. Figure it out. You’re so goddamn young, it’s too much responsibility.”

“It’s not that simple,” he snapped, his good humor gone. She seemed taken aback by his response, but he continued.

“There are four other guys riding on this. It’s not just about me. And on top of that, there’s the fans. I know what I signed up for, Charlie. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t handle.”

“You’re not handling it well,” she corrected bitterly.

“And how the hell would you even know that? You don’t know me,” he spat. “I went through a bad time at one point and now I’m better. I was great before. It might happen again in the future, and that’s something I’ll deal with when it comes along. I’m not telling you this for your pity or answers. I’m telling you this because you want me to and I want you to trust me.”

“So now you’re defending something that hurt you?”

“I’m defending something that I love, despite hurting me. This job, what I do, it’s not what made me feel that way. Humanity makes me feel that way. People suck, but they’re also capable of so much more and I’m lucky enough to have seen it, even if it is in glimpses. I see it in the eyes of all those people in the crowds I play to. I see it in the architecture of the cities I’ve explored and the places I never would have visited if I wasn’t doing this. Being there, being here with you right now, it’s all worth it to me. It has its drawbacks, but everything does. So don’t equate my need to please others with my job, because I’m not giving up something that means so much due to a flaw within myself.”

Charlie stood there for a moment, eyeing him. He felt shocked at himself, the outburst sudden and quick. He had reacted to the anger without thought as to what he was saying or how it might have affected her. Biting his tongue, he waited for her response.

“I stand by what I said earlier. You shouldn’t live your life to please others,” she paused for a moment, wetting her lips before she continued. “The other things I said, about taking time off and not handling responsibility? I didn’t mean them. I was trying to get a rise from you.”

“You what?” he asked, cocking his head to one side as he processed this information.

“You learn a lot from someone when they’re mad. The truth comes out. You’re able to see further into what kind of person they are, what they’ll fight for. It’s something I regrettably learned from my parents,” she shrugged.

Harry took his bottom lip between his teeth, sucking in a deep breath.

“Don’t do it again,” he told her, pushing back from the railing in preparation to leave. He shoved his hands in his pockets, slowly stepping backward to signal to her he was ready to go. She watched him curiously before deciding to follow.

“Okay,” she agreed quietly from beside him as they stepped back indoors to wait for the elevator to arrive. It did a few moments later and they rode down to the gift shop area, not pausing to look around.

“What now?” he asked her, doing his best to find his good humor again. Charlie looked over to where the monorail was arriving. She gestured in that direction, and though there was another attraction nearby with sculptures, he could sense she was done for the day. He followed her to the platform, stepping on after her only to plop down in the seat just to her left.

The ride was spent in silence. Charlie learned her head against the window, her legs pulled to her chest. Harry watched her eyes flutter closed ever so softly. As quietly and as discrete as possible, he pulled out his phone and snapped a quick photo of her like that, peaceful and content. She held her knees securely to her, hands clasped together despite the hoodie sleeves that fell to the tips of her fingers. He could have watched her that way all day, but the trip was short and as they began to slow, her eyes flickered open again. He respectfully averted his gaze.

The two stepped off side by side. Charlie wrapped her arms around herself as the air grew chillier with the passing of time. They snaked through the station before arriving back on the main street.

“I should probably just take one of the cabs from here. You’re okay on how to find your way back to the hotel?” Charlie asked.

Harry nodded, running a hand through his hair. He sucked his lip between his teeth, unsure of what to say next. Was this it? He didn’t even have her number.

“What are you doing tomorrow evening?” he blurted before he could stop himself. Charlie looked up from her phone where she’d been checking a text message. Harry felt his face flush crimson.

“I have this birthday thing I have to go to,” she responded.

Harry nodded absently, taking a step back from her. He felt embarrassed, but was determined to play it cool. Charlie turned her gaze to a nearby cab before returning her eyes to him.

“You could probably come, if you want,” she offered lamely.

“I don’t want to intrude. I can find something to do.”

“No, really. It’s Allison’s party and she’s been pestering me to find a date anyways...” her voice trailed off as she squinted at her phone screen. A moment later, realizing what she had said, she spoke again. “Not that it would be a date or anything, but it would at least get her off my back. And it could be fun. We’re still in the awkward stages of rebuilding our friendship, so I’d actually appreciate it if you showed up.”

“Okay,” he agreed, almost too quickly. She laughed, handing him her phone to type in his number. He did so and returned it to her.

“I’ll text you the details tomorrow. I’m still kind of fuzzy on them myself. And I should probably warn her about you...”

Charlie spoke like she was talking to herself, in a quiet half-mumble, distracted by whatever kept popping up on her screen. She locked her phone screen, shoved the device in her pocket, and smiled at him.

“Thank you for today.”

“It was no problem,” Harry responded.

“No, really. I shouldn’t have let you pay for everything, that was stupid.”

“I don’t know if you know this, Charlie, but I have money,” he rolled his eyes at her. She began to laugh her windchime laugh again and he smiled at the sound.

“Thank you nonetheless. And I’m sorry if I made you mad earlier. I shouldn’t have done it, even if I was curious. I crossed a line. We don’t really even know each other.”

“Don’t we?”

The question hung in the air for a moment. Harry was surprised he uttered it in the first place, even more stunned that he’d said it loud enough for her to clearly hear. She half-smiled at him thoughtfully before walking backward in the direction of the cab.

He stood there, watching for the second time as she sunk into the backseat of a taxi. It took off a moment later and he stood there in the exhaust fumes, watching after her as he contemplated her response. It was the silence, the possibility, that spoke loudest of all.

-

The bathroom was hot and humid from the shower Charlie had just shut off. She hurried into a pair of cotton pajama pants and a white v-neck before pushing open the door to let the steam out. Towel drying her hair, she turned the corner and padded softly down the short hallway to her bedroom. She let the towel drop to the floor as she pulled back the sheets to her bed and slid into them.

A candle flickered on her bedstand nearby, a lilac scent wafting softly throughout the room. She reached over and grabbed the remote to her small flat-screen TV set atop her dresser at the foot of her bed. Turning it on, she flipped absently through the channels, unsure of what she was searching for. Beside the flickering candle, her phone began to vibrate and she reached for it thoughtlessly, her mind still focused on the channels she was flipping through.

“Hello?”

“You’re still coming tomorrow, right?”

The voice belonged to Allison and Charlie let out a soft sigh. A re-run of Tia and Tamara was on and she settled for it, letting the remote fall with a soft thud onto the mattress.

Their friendship had been rocky for a while, fell apart almost completely following the party where she met Cam. He fit better in the position of a best friend, always there for her when she needed him. Charlie and Allison had evaded each other on campus for weeks afterward, never speaking or daring to glance in the direction of the other. The barrier between them broke with Emmett’s funeral. The moment Allison entered the room, Charlie had broken out into a run, feeling safe engulfed in the arms of her former best friend.

“Of course I’m coming,” Charlie replied, though she had come very close to backing out. They were in the important stages of re-building their relationship, but she couldn’t help but feel hesitant to attend a party where it would be so painfully obvious to everyone how far they’d grown apart, especially since both their parents would be there.

“Did you find a date? Bryce has been dying to ask you out and I know if you just invited him, he’d gain the courage to make a move...”

“I found someone. Don’t worry about it.”

“You did?” Allison asked, skepticism ringing clear in her voice. Charlie bit back offense.

“Yeah, actually. But we’re just friends, it’s not a big deal.”

“Do I know them?”

“... No. Actually, I want to talk to you about that.”

There was a sound in the background and it struck Charlie that Allison must be at her nannying job. She worked most weeknights, sleeping over at the house of two doctors who paid her to stay overnight with their 7-year-old triplets.

“Hold on,” Allison huffed into the phone.

Charlie bit down on her lip, turning her attention to the TV in an attempt to calm her nerves. How exactly would she explain Harry Styles suddenly showing up in Seattle and accompanying her to a birthday party?

“Jonathan, I swear to you, if you break that vase...” Allison’s voice was barely audible through the phone and it was obvoius she must have set it down and walked away for a moment. Charlie was in no rush for her to return, but she did a moment later.

“Sorry. You were saying?”

“This guy I’m bringing... It’s kind of difficult to explain, but...”

A loud crash sounded in the background.

”Jonathan!”

Charlie winced at the sound of her shrill voice. She almost felt sorry for the kid.

“Charlie, I have to go. I’m sure he’s great and I can’t wait to meet him.”

“But-“

There was silence. She pulled the phone from her ear to be met with her home screen. With a roll of her eyes, she moved to set the phone back on its charger, but hesitated for a moment. Instead of setting it down, she lit it up again, going to her contacts and scrolling down.

Harry’s name was there, and clicking on it pulled up a phone number. She bit her lip, her eyes falling on each number in turn. She felt somewhat touched that he trusted her enough to give her something so personal when they’d only just met in person a few days before. It struck her that maybe sharing the day with her, flying into Seattle in the first place, that was all more personal than a phone number. Still, it held some sort of significance to her.

Without a second thought, her thumb moved to the message bubble beside the number. It pulled up the message screen and she tapped the keyboard before pausing. She stared at the screen a few moments, as if waking from some sort of trance, unsure what had moved her to do this in the first place. She suddenly felt foolish. Hastily, she hit the home button and locked her phone screen, connecting it to the charger before shutting off the TV and blowing out the candle. She turned over on her side, squeezed her eyes shut, and wished for words.