Voodoo Doll

Michael and I spent most of the night just lying in bed watching films together, which seemed to have become our ritual. I wasn't really sure when it happened. We'd only been working on this project for a little over three weeks, and considering at the start we hated each other it seemed like we were moving at an odd pace.

"I'm hungry." I grumbled at around 11. It was late and I hadn't eaten yet.

"Good, because my arm's dead." Michael groaned as he pulled his arm out from underneath me.

"Sorry." I cringed. I'd completely forgot I was lying on it.

"Come on; let's go see what food we have in the house." He motioned for me to follow him and I did.

The house was dark, and there was no noise coming from anywhere.

"Where are your parents?" I asked, knowing it was early for them to have gone to bed.

Michael shrugged. "I think there's something on at the mess tonight." I winced. It had been so long since my mum had gone to any off the do's up at the mess. Her and my dad used to go to the balls all the time, and she even used to go with my step dad for a while, but not anymore. I wasn't really sure what was happening with her and my step dad any more.

"What's there to eat?" I asked, pretending nothing had happened, but Michael wasn't buying it. He never did any more. I wasn't sure what I preferred. Michael hating me, or Michael picking up on my mood constantly.

"What's wrong?" He asked, ignoring my request for food.

"Nothing." I mumbled. Why did he always have to pry?

"Seriously, Belle, what's wrong?" He frowned, his tone more forceful this time.

"Michael, please, it's not important. Just drop it?" I begged. It wasn't important. He didn't need to know. There was nothing he could do. I was being ridiculous.

I wasn't sure why I was getting emotional. There was nothing to be emotional about. Maybe it was the realisation that my family wasn't even close to normal any more, but suddenly all these feelings had come crashing down on me and I was feeling numb. My mum was a depressive, borderline abusive, alcoholic, my brother was gay and had abandoned me and my dad was dead and my step dad was nowhere to be seen most of the time. I wasn't just 18. I was 18 with a family to take care of. Yet here I was. With a boy who'd spent the better part of 4 years hating me and making my life hell, and now I was acting like none of it mattered. In fact it was worse than that because I was spending more time with him than I was with my family.

"Belle...Is it Alfie? I swear to god, I know he's your brother but if he's upset you again..."

"Michael! Drop it! It's not that, and even if it were, it's none of your damn business! My family has nothing to do with you. So, would you please stop butting your nose in where it isn't wanted?" It came out a lot more timid than I had intended, but I was too hollow to shout. I wasn't really sure what had come over me, but there was a feeling of emptiness that had overcome me.

"Jesus Christ Belle! I was trying to be nice." He bit. I'd clearly upset him but I didn't care this time. He turned his back to me and began riffling through the cupboards looking for something to eat.

"Why? Being nice to me hasn't bothered you for the past four years, so what's changed now?" I asked, my tone void of all emotion.

"I thought we were past this? I'm sorry Belle, and I'm doing all I can to make it up to you." He growled. He was clearly angry that I'd brought it up, but all it did was made me even more curious.

"Seriously, you treated me like shit for years, why? What made you decide to start being nice? I mean, I've not done anything different. What changed?" I growled.

"Nothing. Nothing changed. I...I just got to know you." He shrugged, and I couldn't work out if he was keeping something from me.

"So before you got to know me that made it okay for you to treat me like crap? Great to know what kind of person you are." I scoffed. I wasn't sure what exactly had come over me, but I was painfully aware of how cruel I was being, but for some reason I just didn't care. I was numb and I just wanted to care.

"You know that's not what I meant." He sighed.

"No, I know exactly what you meant. You think just because you've been nice to me it means you can butt into my life where you're not wanted, well I'm fed up. My life is none of your business, so stop trying to make it your business."

"I'm sorry for caring." He snapped back, "but you were the one who came to me, remember? You were the one who showed up at my door crying. So, you can say it's none of my business, but you fucking made it mine when you showed up here in tears. You fucking made it mine when you made me start caring about you." He fumed. I'd never seen him so angry, and it took me a minute to process what he said.

My heart fluttered in my chest and all my anger towards his ebbed away, "You care about me?" I asked.

"Do you really have to ask that question? Of course I care about you." He frowned. "I thought you cared about me too. I thought we were friends and I thought you trusted me." His tone was still slightly bitter, but it was a lot softer than it had been just a few moments ago, and I wasn't sure what came over me because the next thing I knew I was crashing my lips into his.

I felt his arms slip around my waist as he pulled me closer to him. My hands were unsure of what to do with themselves until I found them resting on his biceps awkwardly. After a few seconds I felt myself snap back to reality and jerk away.

"I'm so so sorry." I muttered, pulling away from his grasp as quickly as I could. My head was racing and nothing was making sense. Why on earth had I just done that? I tried to reason with myself; I was just emotional. Everything with Alfie had me in such a weird mood and the fight with my mum, well that hadn't helped either and then fighting with him had made me angry and when I finally realised he cared I'd just succumbed to all the emotions running around in my head.

"No, don't be sorry!" He tried to say but I stopped him.

"I'm just emotional. I'm sorry! I should go." I turned to run but he grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Annabelle, please, don't go." He begged pain in his eyes.

"I..." I didn't know what to say. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him after that. No way.

"You can have the spare room." He offered and I could feel myself wavering. I didn't really fancy going home now. The door would be locked and I didn't fancy sleeping in a shed.

"If you're sure." I mumbled, unable to look at him. My cheeks were burning red and I couldn't explain the feeling that was eating away at my gut. I just felt shame and guilt. I'd quite probably ruined one of the most important friendships I had ever made. How could he ever forgive me? Not only that but we still had this project to do, so it's not like he could avoid me even if he wanted to.

"Belle, please stop worrying." He smiled softly. It was possibly the most genuine smile I had ever seen him give me. I felt some of the weight ease off my shoulders but not much. I'd still screwed up.

"Sorry." I mumbled. "I'm not very hungry anymore."

I could feel my stomach doing flips and although it was still very empty the thought of food made me feel nauseated. Michael didn't say anything; he just nodded and made his way to the door.

I followed behind at a distance. I'd never felt so embarrassed in my life. A boy shows me an ounce of attention and I attack him. He must feel so violated.

He showed me to the box room at the end of the corridor and opened the door for me. "My doors open if you need me." He mumbled, leaving me to settle in.

The room felt bigger than mine at home, but that was probably because it wasn't filled with the belongings of two teenage girls. It was, however, colder than my room at home. It felt empty. Something I wasn't used to feeling at Michael's house. Every room was decorated to feel homely.

I clambered into bed and closed my eyes, praying for sleep. I lay there for what felt like hours but nothing I did was helping me fall asleep. I was still as awake as the moment I climbed into the bed. My mind was racing. Reliving what had just happened. Different scenarios playing out each time. What would have happened if I'd not kissed him? What would have happened if he wanted me to kiss him?

All these thoughts were clouding my head, but there was one question I couldn't shake; why had I kissed him? I'd blamed it on all the emotions that had been swirling through my head, but as I thought back I'd remembered how numb I was feeling just moments before.

I'd been numb to the core and then he had told me he cared about me and suddenly I felt very alive again. Did that mean that I had feelings for him? Feelings that ran deeper than friendship? It wasn't something I had ever allowed myself to consider before. Why would I? Until weeks ago he had hated me, and I had thought very little about him.

I mean, I couldn't deny I'd found him attractive. Michael was an attractive guy, but it wasn't really something I allowed myself to dwell on. Nothing was ever going to come of any attraction I had to him and it was hard to be attracted to someone who treated you so badly, but the past few weeks had shown a different side to him. He was sweet and kind and funny and he cared about me.

Eventually I realised I wasn't going to get any sleep here in this bed. There were too many thoughts running through my mind and not only that but the bed was cold and empty. I missed the feeling of being wrapped in his arms, or even just knowing he was lying beside me.

Hesitantly, I climbed out of the bed. Careful not to make a noise as I opened the door to my room. Luckily Michael's room was only the one next to mine. I pushed open the door, careful that it didn't creak. Michael was pressed up against the wall.

I stood in front of the bed and considered things carefully. As much as I wanted to climb into bed next to him; would it be wrong of me? I'd already invaded his privacy once that night, and I was about to do it again.

"Annabelle." He mumbled in his sleep. I felt my breathing hitch. He was dreaming about me. I felt my throat go dry. I wasn't really sure what to think. Just because he was dreaming about me didn't mean he was dreaming good things.

After a while I couldn't take it any longer. I needed sleep. Tentatively, I climbed into the bed next to him. My heart was racing and my breathing was shallow and unsteady. I'd never felt this nervous to be sharing a bed with him before.

I turned to face him. His eyes were clamped shut and his breathing was slow and even. "I'm sorry." I whispered. "I should never have kissed you."

"I'm sorry for showing up at your door crying. It's not fair that I bring you into my families messes. I'm sorry that you have to see me like that, but you're the only person I trust enough to see me like that. I don't even like Welly seeing me that way. I'm not sure what happened, or when, but over the past few weeks I've really grown attached to you. There's something about you Michael. I'm not sure what it is." I wasn't sure why I was talking to him. He was asleep and he couldn't hear me.

"I think part of me is falling for you, and god it's so stupid. You'd never look at me that way. Why would you? You could have anyone you wanted. Anyone. Me? I'm just a mess. All I've done is messed with your life and brought you chaos and havoc and family problems that aren't yours. I know it's unfair on you. I just can't seem to help myself, and maybe I should tell you this when you're awake, but I'm too scared. I'm scared you're going to hate me. I'm scared you'll laugh in my face. I'm just scared all the time, but being with you? It's one of the few times in the day that I'm genuinely happy. Genuinely at peace. Being with you is when I'm the most happy. You make me feel like a normal 18 year old. You make me feel like I have people I can trust and rely on, and your family make me feel normal; like I'm part of the family, and you have no idea how nice that is. I haven't been part of a family in a long time." My voice was barely a whisper. I was too scared to be any louder. I didn't want to wake him up.

"I just wish I could tell you how much you matter to me, but I am scared. I don't know what I'd do if you pushed me away. I'm just scared once this assignment is over you're going to have no need to talk to me, and it scares me because I don't know how I'd cope if you were to walk out of my life right now. You're my rock. My stability. My true north. And I think I'm falling for you."

I could feel tears trickling down my face and I ignored them. I was too scared to move to wipe them away in case he woke up and asked me what I was doing there, because I don't think I could answer.

Michael groaned, stretching and moving his position. For a second I felt my heart hammer in my chest. I thought he was waking up, but he didn't. His arm stretched over me and pulled me close. I sighed in relief. It felt so nice to be wrapped in his arms. It felt safe and warm and that was all I wanted. That was all I needed.

I nuzzled closer to his chest and sighed. Eventually I must have fallen asleep because I woke the next morning to Michael poking my side. "When did you get here?" He smirked.

"I couldn't sleep." I blushed.

"Hey, it's fine! I hoped you'd get the hint when I told you my door was open." He smiled and I sighed in relief. He leaned towards me, wrapping his arms firmly around me. I felt his lips on the top of my head and I relaxed into the embrace. "I'll always be here for you."