Voodoo Doll

The rest of the day passed without incident, and I tried not to think about my confession last night. I was over-thinking everything last night and I realised how silly I’d sounded.

“Are you going home?” Michael asked as the school day ended. We were walking out to the car park where he’d parked his car.

Truth be told I’d spent all day pushing everything to the back of my mind and I hadn’t even considered what had actually happened yesterday. I’d been kicked out again. I mean, it wasn’t uncommon before, but it was becoming far more frequent the past few weeks. “I haven’t really thought about it.” I admitted. “I guess I should. I need to make sure the kids are all okay, and that their uniforms have been washed and their homework is done.” I shrugged.

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asked nervously, as he scratched the back of his head. He clearly expected me to say no, but the thought of having him there put me slightly more at ease.

“I mean, if you don’t mind?” I didn’t want him to feel like he had no choice. Maybe he only asked because he thought I was going to say no?

He shrugged, “I’d kinda prefer if you let me come. I want to make sure you’re okay.” He admitted sheepishly.

“Thank you.” It meant a lot.

I followed him out to the car where we sat in silence the whole way to mine. I didn’t know what to say. I was trying to think about what I’d say to my mum. Would she even remember what I had told her about Alfie?

I felt myself visibly sigh as we pulled up to the front of my house. Noah was sat on the doorstep, kicking his feet.

“Hey, what are you doing out here, little man?” I asked, pulling him up from his sitting position.

He shrugged. “She was in a really bad mood last night, she drank a lot. I think she’s still asleep, and dad won’t be home till later, if he turns up at all.” I cringed. She’d made the younger ones call him dad. She’s tried to make me do it too, but she’d given up on that fight. Steve wasn’t my dad and I was never going to call him that. “Who’s this anyway?” He asked, looking up at Michael scrupulously.

“Where’s Lula?” I asked panicked, suddenly. “And this is Michael, my friend.”

“She didn’t go to school. I didn’t think you’d be happy if I took her on my own and Livvy was running late for an exam.” He shrugged. He was right though. I’d have been furious if he’d have taken her. “Is he the one you’ve been staying with?”

“Yeah he is. Right, Noah, move so I can get her to let us in.” I grumbled. I kinda hope Michael might get a better first impression of my family. I guess I should have known better. I began banging loudly on the door. I knew Noah wouldn’t have dared try for fear of actually waking her up.

Less than a minute later I heard someone begin to fumble with the lock on the door. “What do you want?” She snapped as she looked at me. “I told you to get out, and I meant it.” She slurred, clearly still intoxicated.

“The door was locked and Noah couldn’t get in. Why wasn’t Lula at school?” I asked, calmly. She continued to look at me in disgust before finally moving out the way to let us in.

“She didn’t go because you weren’t here to take her. I can’t do everything you know.” She spat.

“I wasn’t here, per your request. Mum this is Michael, he’s a friend of mine.” I tried to ignore her bitchy tone, and shot Michael a look begging him to do the same, but I could tell from the way his fists clenched at his side, and the way his Adams apple bobbed, that he wanted nothing more than to tell her where to stick it.

It was clear she’d barely done any housework in about a week. There was rubbish and laundry piled high in the living room and I was sure that if I went to the kitchen then there would be dishes piled everywhere.

“I’m going to do some tidying.” I sighed as I began clearing the rubbish from the coffee table. I could feel my mother’s eyes on me as I darted around the room.

“I’ll go start the dishes.” Michael offered, and before I could protest he was gone.

“Why did you bring him here?” She sneered. I didn’t dignify it with an answer. This was my home, I should be able to bring my friends here without fear of what my mother would say or do to them.

“Have you thought about what I told you last night?” I asked, I knew I needed to talk to her about it, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get into another fight, but it was time for her to forgive Alfie. I needed my brother back.

“I have nothing to say about that abomination. He’s not my son anymore. He can do what he likes.” I couldn’t believe how hateful she could be. How could she just abandon him like that? He was part of her, part of dad and she just threw him to the curb.

“No more trying to pray the gay away?” I laughed bitterly. Michael was wrong. Alfie wasn’t worse than her for leaving. If he’d stayed he’d be dead, and the worst thing is I don’t know if it would have been by his own hand or hers.

“Ha!” She spat. “There is no God. I was a good Christian woman and he still took my husband and son and he left me with you. What kind of God would do that?”

“No. He didn’t take your son, you pushed him away. You can fix that at any time you like.” I sighed. I felt myself begin to shake in anger. Why did she hate me so much? What had I done to make her hate me so? I pushed back the tears that pricked my eyes. She didn’t need to see me cry. Didn’t need to see she’d won. I didn’t know why the stuff she said still hurt. I was used to it by now, but still, every time she said something it chipped away at a little bit more of me.

I was glad Michael was in the kitchen and couldn’t hear what she was saying to me. I didn’t need him to come in here and shout at her and make things worse.

I continued to ignore my mother as I finished tidying in the living room. It wasn’t perfect, but I couldn’t take much more of her ranting.

“How are you doing?” I asked Michael as I walked into the kitchen with a bin bag full of rubbish.

“I feel like I should be asking you that.” He practically growled. “I didn’t know it was this bad.”

“This?” I laughed. “This, my dear, is nothing. She’s practically in a good mood. She’s too drunk to be too mad.”

“How can you let her talk to you like that?” He sighed, turning to look me in the eye. I looked away. I couldn’t stand the pity. It was why I never brought people home. I didn’t need their pity. I could take care of myself.

“I don’t have the energy to fight her every day of my life.” I admitted. For the first year I had fought her. I’d screamed and I’d shouted and I’d fought every day but I just didn’t have the energy to do that anymore. Not when I had the kids to take care of, the house to clean and my school work to do. So, I chose my battles carefully now. Well, I tried to.

“You shouldn’t have to put up with that. The kids shouldn’t either.” He frowned at Lula who was sat at the kitchen table colouring in. “We should do something with them this weekend.” He suggested suddenly. “Have they ever been to the zoo?” He asked.

I felt my heart melt as I stared up at the boy I hated a mere three weeks ago. My heart literally ached. He’d gone from being the bane of my life to my saviour. “I couldn’t let you! You already do too much for me.” I protested, but I wanted to say yes. God, I wanted to say yes, to get them away from her. So they could be normal kids for one day.

“Saturday, we’ll take them to Longleat. I’ll borrow the car. It’ll be great.” He smiled, ignoring my protests.

“Did you hear that, Lula?” I smiled. She hadn’t looked up from her colouring. Any normal child would have listened in, but Lula wasn’t normal. Lula had learnt to tune out conversations that didn’t directly involve her, and that hurt me.

“What?” She asked, finally looking up from her colouring.

“Michael here is going to take us to the zoo this weekend! What do you think?” I smiled brightly as her face lit up.

“Will I get to see wolves?” She asked.

“Of course!” He smiled, crouching, so he was at her level. “Lions too. I’ll even get you a teddy!” I stared at him in disbelief. How could the boy who spent four years torturing me be such a kind hearted person? Why had he been that way towards me? What had brought on such a change? So many questions were racing through my mind, but I knew now wasn’t the time to ask. He seemed to get upset when I brought it up, and there was no way I was going to spit in the face of his kindness.

“Why don’t you go tell Noah?” I suggested as she continued to look up at Michael in awe. She never really knew what it was like to have kindness from a man and it broke my heart that Michael, of all people, had to be the person she could look to for that.

I waited till she’d skipped out the room before turning to face Michael. I wanted to melt at the look on his face. He was smiling after her, a look of fondness on his face.

“You didn’t have to do that…I’d tell you not to bother, but I think it might break her heart. Thank you, Michael. You have no idea how much that means to her.” I desperately wanted to ask him what had made him change so drastically, but I bit my tongue.

“I wanted to. You’re right, I can’t begin to imagine how much it means to her. Belle, I really had no idea how bad it was for you. I’m sorry. Jesus, I treated you like shit for so long, and you were getting that at home? How did you not kill me?” He laughed, but he clearly didn’t find anything he was saying very funny.

“I guess we’re just used to it.” I shrugged. “That, and I think I still saw the good in you. Part of me always wanted to believe you’d change, that you were better than how you were acting, and I was right. I was more than right. You’re one of the best people I know, if not the best.” I admitted. No one had shown such kindness to my siblings, since, well since my dad had been alive.

“I don’t deserve your praise.” He sighed, running his hands wearily through his hair. “There’s no way I can make any of this better for you, is there?” He wasn’t really asking, it was rhetorical. He knew the answer already, and it saddened him, that much was obvious.

“You do make it better.” I smiled. “You give me somewhere to run. You make me feel normal.” He had no idea how important that was; how much I longed to be a normal 18 year old.

“Anyway, time to be cheerier! We have nearly finished the assignment. I bet we could have it done by the end of next month!” Which probably seemed a lot, but considering it was meant to take the entire year… I thought we were doing well.

“Or like normal people we could take a break and leave it till the last minute where we desperately try to get it done in one night before the deadline?” He joked, though I was sure part of him was serious.

"Come on, I’ll show you my little hide away.” I offered, and he followed.

“Your hide away is in the garden?” He asked, clearly confused as I lead him out the backdoor.

“This is where I sleep when she locks the door when she’s mad at me.” I admitted sheepishly. “It’s just a shed, but sometimes I like to just sit out here. Especially after a bad day.” I’d built it when I was a kid. It had been mine and my dads project. Before he died it had stored his tools, after it became mine.

I opened the door, letting Michael inside. On one side there was an armchair and on the other an old mattress and some blankets. The place was full of books and candles. It wasn’t much but it was mine.

“This is really quite cute.” He smiled, flopping down on the mattress. He squeezed himself against the wall and motioned for me to lie next to him. “You need a new mattress though, this is seriously uncomfortable.” He squirmed.

“Why do you think I don’t live out here permanently?” I smirked. This place was my little haven.

We lay there for a while longer when I heard the front door slam in the house. Steve was home. I sighed, “I have something I have to do.”

He followed me as I made my way back up to the house. “Steve.” I nodded as I walked into the house. I didn’t hate Steve. He’d never tried to replace my dad, but he didn’t care either. He didn’t care about any of us. “Have you even been home this week?” I asked staring at him.

“Have you?” He laughed. “Look in the mirror before you judge. I’m assuming this is the guy you’re sleeping with?” He shot Michael a look that made my skin crawl. Evidently Michael didn’t like it either because he took a step closer and I felt him tense behind me.

“Dude, have some respect.” Michael snapped. “None of this is her responsibility. It’s yours.” I wanted to tell him to stop but it felt nice to have someone defend me.

“They’re not my kids.” Was all he said before he left again.

“Don’t bother.” I said as I grabbed ahold of Michaels wrist before he followed after him.

I was honestly still surprised that Steve had stuck around as long as he had. In his position I was sure I wouldn’t.

“Can we go to yours for a bit?” I asked, wanting to escape for s couple of hours. I wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t. If I did there would be no one to get Lula and Noah to school.

“Anytime.” He replied firmly, letting me know I was welcome whenever. I nodded, letting him knew I understood before wandering into the living room to let mum know I was going out. Not that she’d care.

“You. You made him leave!” She spat at me before I even managed to get a word out. “He was happy before he saw you.”

“Steve hasn’t been happy since the day you married him.” I laughed, unable to take her hatred any more. She looked take back before growling at me.

“You’re a rotten child. You’re father would hate you. I hate you.” She laughed.

“I cannot believe you call yourself a mother.” Michael laughed calmly. "I’ve not even known you for an hour and you are possibly the most hateful woman I have ever met. I almost feel sorry for you. You’ll never see how lucky you are to have such wonderful children. Lula is a sweet child with amazing artistic talent and don’t even get me started on Annabelle, because she is the most wonderful, caring, compassionate and smart person I have ever met, but you’re missing out on all of that. You’re so wrapped up in self pity you can’t see what an amazing life you have. Like I said I almost feel sorry for you, but it’s hard to feel sorry for someone so hateful. I’m sorry to tell you that your husband wouldn’t hate or be disappointed in Annabelle, but he would be disappointed in you. If he’s half the man Annabelle has told me he is, I’d imagine he’d hate you too.“ His voice never raised once. He never shouted, he was completely calm as we both stared at him in shock.

"What’s your loss is my gain though. Thanks to you I get to spend time with the most amazing person I have ever met. It’s a shame you’ll never know her.” He didn’t wait for her response. He took my hand and led me out the house to his car.

We sat for what felt like an eternity before he finally turned the key. “It took everything I had not to hit her.” He said as we drove away. I didn’t know what to say. No one had ever defended me like that, or said so many nice things about me.

“Thank you.” I managed to blurt out. It was the only thing I could think to say that would actually make sense. My Mind was so jumbled. I had no idea he cared so much about me. It was…nice?