Voodoo Doll

I walked home slowly. I didn’t have to pick the kids up till 4. I hadn’t seen Lizzy in school, but that wasn’t all that uncommon. She quite often didn’t come into school. I wasn’t really sure what she planned to do with her life.

I wasn’t sure if going to see Welly was a good idea. I knew she could be hot headed at times, and when she was like she just needed space, but the weight that was weighing on my chest was making it hard to breathe and I knew the only way that was going to go away was to try and fix things with her. Everything in my life was going to hell and if there was one thing I had to fix it was this.

I found myself knocking on her door timidly. I think I was almost hoping she wouldn’t hear it so that I could avoid the undoubted argument.

“Sorry, is Michael not home?” Welly snapped as she yanked open the door. I cringed at her abrasive tone. I knew she had every right to be angry, but that didn’t stop it from hurting.

“Welly, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to lie to you, but I just…I didn’t sleep with him. I just fell asleep on his bed. I didn’t sleep with him.” I rambled, tripping over my words. I could see her rolling her eyes in disbelief. I loved Welly, but sometimes she was a drama queen. She liked to make things out of things that weren’t really things at all. This being one of them.

“Why should I believe you? You went to him over me? You went to him over your best friend, and you think I’d be okay with that?” Either she’d heard what I said to Michael or someone had told her what happened after she left.

“I knew what you’d say! I know what you think about my mum, and that’s okay. I understand. I just needed someone who didn’t know every gory detail of my life. Someone who wasn’t going to ask questions and demand answers, and Michael was that. He doesn’t care enough to make a deal out of it. I just needed someone who was going to let me pretend I was normal for a few fucking hours.” I barked, biting back tears as my throat began to close up. I hated swearing, it was just one of those things I hated. I lived with small children and it wasn’t a habit I could really afford to pick up. They heard enough of it from the other adults in their lives.

“You chose to go to a boy who hates you instead of your best friend. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me where you were, and I was worried sick by the way, and now I find out it was because you were too busy snuggled up with the boy who treats you like dirt and then you had the audacity to lie to me about it, to my face the next day. Why on earth would I be okay with that? If you didn’t want to talk about it then that was fine, I wouldn’t have made you, but did you really have to go to him over me?”

“Is what actually what you think this is about? Me choosing him over you? I didn’t choose him. I don’t even know how I ended up at his house. I just wanted to get the project done to distract me and then he offered to let me stay. I didn’t want to face you and tell you what happened and I couldn’t go home. It just seemed like the best option.” I wanted her to understand that this wasn’t to do with her, and it wasn’t even to do with Michael. It was to do with me.

“Annabelle, I really do not want to talk about this right now. You hurt me okay, and you need to understand that. Please, just come back later. I can’t do this right now.” She sighed, clearly close to tears too. She didn’t wait for me to reply before slamming the door shut.

I didn’t even think about what to do next. It just came to me instinctively. I found myself picking up my pace. It wasn’t far, but I needed to get there quickly before I changed my mind. It was the walk I’d began to make a hundred time over the past few months but had never had the guts to follow through. Today was the day though. I could feel it.

Ten minutes later and it was in sight, my pace dropped and I was sure I could be passed by a snail at this point. Was this really necessary? I thought to myself. I used to come here every day, it was supposed to get easier not harder.

I flopped down on the floor, shoving my hands into my pocket, tentatively fiddling with my phone. “Hi dad.” I muttered.

“Here lies George Paul Edwards. Loving Husband and father and hero to all.”

I felt my stomach clench with shame. I hadn’t been to visit in months and as I took a look around I realised that I wasn’t the only one. All that was left were the dead flowers I had bought the day before the anniversary of his death.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come that day. I couldn’t do it. I’m so so sorry daddy. I left you alone on the day you needed me most and I am so sorry.” I wept the tears filling my eyes and spilling over my cheeks. My chest began to heave and I found myself sobbing, leaning on the headstone for support. “I love you daddy, and I am so sorry I left you alone. I am so sorry. I’m sorry I don’t visit. I’m sorry. I can’t, it means admitting you’re gone and I’m not ready to do that, there are days I still feel like you’re going to walk through the door and say sorry for being gone so lone, and sometimes I need to hold onto that, because sometimes it’s all I have.” I gripped at the medal around my neck.

“Every thing is just falling apart and I have no one. I have no one to lean on and I miss you so much daddy. I just wish you were here to make everything better like you used to. Welly hates me and I don’t know how to make it better, God, dad I really don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her. She’s all I have since you left. Mum hates me, and I still don’t know why. She just hates everyone. She has since the day you left us. It’s not your fault, but I just want her to be happy again. The kids think it’s my fault she’s miserable, and I don’t help, but God all I want is my mummy back and it’s shit because she’s there and you’re gone, but it feels like she’s as gone as you. She’s a shell of what she used to be. I want my mummy. I want my mummy and I want my best friend, but everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix things. I just want to fix things.”

I don’t know if I was expecting a reply, but if I was it was futile because nothing came. “I want to be mad at Michael. I want to be furious at him daddy. He did what he did on purpose, he always does. I just want to know why he hates me so much? Did I do something to him? I just know he’s a good person dad. I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones. This belief…it’s rooted so deep in me that I just can’t give up on him. I can’t, but god he makes me want to. But I saw him with his parents, dad, and I saw the boy that I knew was buried in there. The boy who has the potential to be a great man and change lives. The boy who puts the biggest smile on my face. I swear to god daddy no one has made me laugh so much since you died and that’s the Michael I want to know.” I sighed. Why was I doing this? It was pointless. He was dead and there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t here.

“God, dad, when did my life become such a mess?” I wept, bringing my knees up to my chest as I looked at the sky. Still hoping for some kind of answer. Nothing.

The sky was getting grey and I could feel the pressure in the air. The good weather was over. There was going to be a storm. I pulled my phone from my pocket to check the time and gasped.

Michael
23:59

I’d pocket dialed Michael at some point. I clicked the end call button and shoved my phone back in my pocket. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be. This wasn’t the sign I was looking for. All I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand and pretend this hadn’t just happened.

What had just happened? Had he heard any of it? Had he pocket answered the call? Had it gone through to voicemail? I was tempted to call him again and find out, but I didn’t have the time and honestly I didn’t want to know. Everything else in my life was already going to shit without Michael having heard all that. Living in an ignorant bliss for a few more hours could not be a bad thing.

I picked myself up from the ground and said goodbye to my dad. I wasn’t really sure how to say good bye. How did you say goodbye to a headstone? Never the less I said good bye. I was going to come back when I got the chance with flowers. His grave looked so sad and lonely.

After I’d picked the kids up from school I decided not to wait around. It was time for me to go and see Michael. Welly might not want to talk to me, but Michael didn’t have a choice.

I banged on the front door, and was met almost instantly. “Oh, Annabelle dear! I was just popping out. Michael’s in his room. Are you staying again? I can make you up your own bed in his room if you like?” She offered.

“No, sorry! I just need to talk to Michael about something. Thank you again for your hospitality Mrs Clifford, you have no idea how much it means to me.” I smiled, as she stepped aside to let me in.

“I warn you he’s been in a bit of a mood since he came home, and you’re welcome dear, like I said before you’re welcome any time.” She smiled and said goodbye before climbing in her car. I didn’t wait for her to drive off before shutting the door behind me and clambering up the narrow stairs.

“Michael.” I yelled as I flung open his door. He was sat on his bed, head in hands.

“Annabelle.” He replied raspily, coughing to try and cover it.

“Why did you do that today? Why?” I wanted to snap, but it looked like he’d been crying and I couldn’t bring myself to shout at him.

“I’m sorry.” He replied, and I knew then that he’d heard what I had said. He’d heard the conversation.

“You listened?” I nearly spat. Anger filling me. “You listened to what I was saying to him?” I was suddenly filled with such a rage and hatred that I had never before known. “First of all you make the entire school think I’m some kind of slut and in doing so you make my best friend hate me. She’s unable to look me in the eye and then you do this? Listen to a private conversation that was clearly not meant for your ears…how could you?”

“I… I didn’t meant to. I answered, and I thought you were going to get mad at me, but you were crying and I was going to hang up but you sounded so…broken and I couldn’t do it and then you started talking about me, and I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry, because I never realised how shitty your life was. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I’ve never had someone who has that much faith in me. Never. Hearing what you had to say…I just, I want to be that person. I want to be the person you think I am. I didn’t mean to listen, and I’m sorry if it upset you that I did, but I am glad I did. I am really fucking glad.” He sighed.

Seeing the look on his face and hearing the emotion in his voice I knew I couldn’t be mad at him. There was still a voice in the back of my mind screaming at me, screaming at me to be angry to hit him and kick him, to walk out the door and never look back, but the look in his eyes told me to stay. Told me that one more chance might be all it would take.

“I’ll phone Welly, heck I’ll go bang on her door till I’m blue in the face until she listens to what I have to say. I’ll tell her what really happened. I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“Why did you?” I asked. Ignoring his apology from before. It wasn’t okay that he listened, but I also knew I couldn’t be mad at him because in his situation I would have done the same.

He shrugged, fiddling with his bed sheets. “I don’t know.” I sighed, standing up to walk out the room. If he couldn’t at least be honest with me then maybe he wasn’t worth the second chance.

“Wait. I…I screwed up okay. I’m not really sure why I said those things. I’m bitter and jaded and just answer me this, why didn’t you tell Welly you stayed with me? Am I really that bad?” I felt my stomach drop. Was Richens right? Had I hurt him?

“I didn’t think you’d want people to know.” It was the truth, but it wasn’t the whole truth and he knew that, and I could tell from the look he shot me. “And, I didn’t want the questions.” I admitted. I didn’t want Welly prying, trying to make it into something it wasn’t. I didn’t need that.

“I’ll talk to Welly later.” He said, patting the space on the bed beside him. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to join him, but I did. I still needed to fix things with my mum and with Welly, but today I was too tired. I’d fixed one thing and it was the one thing that mattered right now, because fixing things with Michael made the rest of it so much easier to ignore.

I crawled up next to him,crossing my legs as he threw a blanket over us. “I thought we could watch Forrest Gump. Since you don’t like horror movies and all.” I nodded as he pressed play. Forrest Gump was honestly one of my favourite films and it never failed to touch me. For two hours we sat in silence, watching the film. It was bliss.

“Are you going home tonight?” He finally asked as the films credits began to roll.

“Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Then no.”