Fickle Reticence

So far it’s been a week since the incident at the library, and Frank’s curiosity has not mulled over in the slightest, but he’s not as frantic as before. He just can’t shake the thought that Gerard now hates him. He doesn’t want Gerard to hate him, because it would really suck.

When Frank gets back to his room after class he finds Mikey already there, typing quickly away on his laptop.

“Hey, Gerard called.”

Frank’s ears perk up immediately when Mikey says that, and he gulps as well a little nervously.

“Oh?” He tries to ask calmly, but it sounds high-pitched.

“Contain yourself,” Mikey says, “he’s still really afraid that you’re not going to accept him, which I consider to be stupid, because if you don’t accept Gee I will push you off a pier.”

“Harsh.”

“Not as harsh as I would be if I didn’t want to worry about serving jail time,” Mikey states. “If you want to talk to Gee though, you can go by their room.”

“You serious?” Frank asks.

“Yes, but be careful. Be sensitive. You’ll be the first person outside of the family that Gee’s told in a very long time, so it’s scary.”

“But Gerard has told me nothing,” Frank points out.

“And hopefully that will change,” Mikey says, “It’s taking a lot of bravery for Gerard to open up to you, so really, just be appreciative of that.”

“I will, don’t worry. I don’t want to lose hi-, or I mean, their trust,” Frank says.

“Good,” Mikey says, and then looks up at Frank for the first time since he’d entered the room, “I really hope you can make Gee realize that there’s nothing wrong with being themself. Gerard, and I, and our family, and just everyone, really need that.”

“That’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on me,” Frank says.

“I know, but I trust you.”

~*~*~*~

Frank stands in front of the door that is the exact same as every other door. It’s the exact same pale wood in every respect, but it’s not because this is Gerard’s door.

He’s honestly petrified, and is considering just running away, but eventually he finds the courage to rap his knuckles against the door.

“Frank,” Gerard says when he answers the door. At least he looks male, but Frank’s going to go into this open-minded. “Mikey talked to you?”

“No actually I knocked on every door on campus until I found yours,” Frank says sarcastically.

“That seems a little extreme, you know you could have just had a word with the housing people,” Gerard says.

Frank groans, “That would have saved me so much time!”

Gerard giggles, like actually giggles, and it loosens Frank up a little bit. He’d been so worried that Gerard hated him that he didn’t even consider the idea that nothing has really changed with them.

“Do you wanna come in?” Gerard asks, and Frank nods.

He looks into Gerard’s room and decides that messiness must run in the family. Gerard’s practically untidier than Mikey. Clothes are everywhere, and so are books, and there’s a pizza box sticking out from under the bed. He just rolls his eyes, because he’s almost used to it, having lived with Mikey for so long.

“You Way’s never clean you’re fucking messes,” Frank says, offhandedly.

“Sorry,” Gerard says, closing the door, but he doesn’t look too concerned.

“Uh, do you want to sit down?” Gerard asks.

“Is there even a chair in this room?” Frank asks.

Gerard gives him a face and points to one behind Frank, that’s in front of his desk. Gerard goes over to sit on the side of his bed, while Frank takes a seat on the chair.

“So,” Gerard starts, “I guess first of all, I should apologize about the other day.”

“No, it’s fine,” Frank says waving a hand.

“Well it was rude, and I shouldn’t have done that, but I did, and I’m sorry. It’s just that it all happened so fast, and you’re just a really great person, and it felt awful.”

“Not really great. I am great, but I think ‘really’ might be pushing it,” Frank says.

“And modest too,” Gerard adds.

“Oh I am very modest.”

Gerard smiles, and Frank hopes that he is as comfortable around him as Mikey seems to think he is.

“I guess I should explain things then,” Gerard says after a few seconds of silence.

“Only if you want to,” Frank says.

“Well see the thing is that I’m never going to want to, but I know that I probably should, because Mikey wants me to. I also know that you’re probably not going to be really awful about it, or at least I hope not.”

“Whatever you have to tell me I’ll do my best to understand. I will draw the line though if you tell me you’re a mass murderer or a Belieber.”

Gerard rolls his eyes, and then looks at his hands for the longest time, without saying anything. Frank says nothing either, because he doesn’t know what to say, and he doesn’t want to overstep his welcome, so he just waits. He watches Gerard out of the corner of his eye trying to reason with himself why he finds the guy so attractive.

“Frank?” Gerard says.

“Yeah?”

“I know you can’t promise anything really, but can you try to see me as the same person after I tell you this?” Gerard asks.

“I won’t see you as a different person,” he says, but Gerard shakes his head like he doesn’t believe that.

“Okay, well I guess I should just rip the Band-Aid off,” Gerard says. “I’m a girl, and I’m also a boy.”

He says it so plainly that Frank almost misses the confession entirely. He looks at Gerard curiously, and waits for him to continue, but it doesn’t seem like Gerard is going to.

“So you’re like... transgender?” Frank asks.

“Not exactly, no. I’m genderfluid.”

“Okay? I’m, um, not all that familiar with that, would you mind explaining?” Frank asks, feeling a little guilty because he’s not positive what that even means.

Gerard nods, “okay, well see, some days I identify as female. Some days I identify as male, and some days I identify as a mixture or neither, or something like that. Sometimes I just feel like more of a girl. I feel a more masculine energy or I feel a more feminine energy. I think usually I assume a more nonbinary gender role, but yeah, I am both a girl and a boy.”

“Okay,” Frank nods, “and does that have an effect on your sexuality, or are those two completely different things. I just wonder because if you’re attracted to females, then does that make you gay some days and straight on other days?”

“Not exactly. While they can be treated as similar, they are definitely two different things. See the thing with me is that I don’t have any romantic inclinations to either gender binary, because I myself, don’t fall under a single gender binary, so I feel like it would be hypocritical of me to try to narrow down on one sex,” Gerard says, and he feels a bit better about the situation now that he’s on a roll.

“Alright,” Frank says.

“So you understand?”

“Yes. Well I mean, I understand what you mean in theory. I can’t say I know what it’s like in your head, though I imagine it’s very confusing. I believe that you are genderfluid, as you call it, but I also believe that I can never know precisely how that must feel,” Frank says. “I’ve got a couple more questions though.”

Gerard nods, taking a breath for the first time in a few minutes, “I’m glad you’re accepting though.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I get that some people have trouble being who they are, and I would never wish to impose on a persons will to their own body.”

Gerard smiles, wanting almost to give Frank a hug, but he refrains, “and your question?”

“Oh, I guess I was just curious as to how you identify as one gender one day, and another the next day? Like, by that I mean, is it the clothes you wear that demonstrate what role you’re assuming, or is it more of a mindset?”

“Well I guess it’s mostly how I choose to express myself that day. As I said, I usually like to encompass a nonbinary gender role, which is the way I act. I don’t really act more so like a girl on any given day then I do as a boy on another. A lot of it does have to do with the way I see myself, and want to look. I will most likely present myself in the clothes traditionally associated with femininity if I’m feeling like a girl, and vice versa. I always know how I feel based on the way my thoughts roam around my head. I think often it’s in subtlety that the differences are notable. Some days I’ll wake up and feel like a girl, so I have the urge to dress like one, but sometimes I wake up and feel like a girl, but don’t care how I dress. Usually though I dress as a girl, because it’s a preference.”

“So you can be dressed like a boy, but feel like a girl?”

“I can, but usually it’s with a fair amount of difficulty. Usually it feels wrong. It’s my name that I don’t really mind as much. I always go by Gee, no matter what gender I identify with, but sometimes I can be Gerard as a girl without giving a fuck. My name isn’t what defines me, it’s the way I feel inside.”

“It doesn’t seem all that difficult to understand then,” Frank says, “and it’s because of this that you’re afraid of getting close to people?”

“I had a bad experience in high school,” Gerard says, “I’d only just figured it out myself and I tried to tell my friends, but they didn’t understand.”

“I’m sorry,” Frank says.

“It’s not your fault,” Gerard replies, “but it actually does feel really great to say this. It’s like getting a weight off my chest.”

“Well then, I guess all I can say is that I accept it, Gerard. To be honest I don’t care what gender you are, I just care that you’re you. You are a really great person, you know.”

Gerard snorts, “That’s so cheesy.”

“But it’s true,” Frank answers.

“Thank you,” Gerard says with a nod, “you really are great, Frank.”