Fickle Reticence

Maybe it’s because Frank is the first person Gerard’s told in years, or maybe it’s Frank’s face, but Gee finds it really hard to stop looking at the guy. It’s kind of like Frank’s face was sculpted by a really gifted artist. It’s kind of perfect. It does nothing to compare to Frank’s personality though.

Frank acts like the way Gerard imagines a newborn puppy would if it had a voice. He’s incredibly sarcastic as well, especially with Mikey, as he’s seen from close observation. Gerard wouldn’t have to look close at all though to see Frank’s sardonic nature. It’s not a bad thing necessarily, but sometimes he gets so lost in sarcasm that it starts sounding serious. He’s a fan of irony, that’s for sure.

“Can I just say, that I think you’re pretty brave, Gee,” Mikey states, a few days after the confession to Frank.

“Brave? One person does not make me brave. You were right though, about Frank. He’s great.”

“I know,” Mikey answers, “why do you think I kept telling you that. I’m smarter than you are half the time, and certainly better at analyzing a person’s character.”

“Pompous much?”

“But I’m right.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be pompous,” Gerard replies.

“Say whatever the hell you want about me, I’m great,” Mikey answers, “and when you say that you like Frank, do you mean that you like Frank the way I like Frank, or is the way that you creepily stare at him a sign of something else?”

“Jeez, do I do that? I didn’t know I did!” Gerard whines.

“Well you look at him like he’s the fucking Mona Lisa, and it only surprises me because he’s one ugly human being.”

“He is not! Mikey, you don’t really think that,” Gerard says, feeling almost personally victimized.

“No not really, but you defended him pretty firmly, so I’d say that you think of him in a different light than I do,” Mikey says.

“God, you’re awful,” Gerard frowns, “but that’s inconsequential. You just think it’s weird because I only ever talk to you, and I’m certainly not going to look at you with anything besides contempt.”

“I’m sorry, was that content?” Mikey asks, with a fake grin.

“You heard me. Contempt. Disdain. Derision.”

“Since when did you swallow a thesaurus?”

Gerard shrugs, “I have a word of the day calendar.”

“You’re such a nerd,” Mikey rolls his eyes.

“You’re a prick.”

“Original. Doesn’t your calendar cover insults?”

“No, why would it? Are you making fun of me? It was on sale!”

Mikey decides to drop it, and get back to the other topic at hand, “so you like Frank?”

“Don’t even go there. I don’t know, and I’m not ready for anything beyond a mutual acquaintance right now. Absolutely not ready for that,” Gerard says.

“But you can’t deny that. You can pretend that you don’t have feelings for him, maybe. Or don’t you? I’m pretty good at reading your mind, I think you do like him,” Mikey says.

“Keep your creepy little mind out of my thoughts. It’s just not something I want to have right now, or at all. Okay? It’s hard enough being a circus show as it, I don’t need to be a sitcom as well.”

“You’re not a circus show,” Mikey says angrily, “why do you insist on putting yourself down like that? It’s not just you you’re insulting when you say things like that!”

“You get upset too easily over it,” Gerard answers.

“I get upset the way a normal person fucking should. It’s rude, and I hate it. Just because you fall under the category of nonbinary, that doesn’t give you the right to demean it! That’s the same as a misogynistic girl, or a homophobic queer person.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Yeah it is, actually,” Mikey replies, “it’s not okay. Sometimes, Gerard, you really need to grow the fuck up.”

“What?”

Mikey groans, “I’m fucking sick of your ‘I’m a freak, no one will like me, let me put myself down’ thing. Yes, I get that you’re afraid of telling people. Yes, I understand and respect that you don’t want to tell people. What I don’t understand or respect is you saying bad things about yourself. It’s just fucking stupid, because you know that I accept you, you know that Frank does, and you still say shit about yourself. It’s fucking stupid. You’re your biggest critic, and I’m sick of it.”

“But that’s how I think, Mikey.”

“Then don’t say it out loud,” Mikey replies, “it may be true that you think that way, but how about you keep it quiet and maybe having a more accepting aura will help you realize that you are not a fucking freak.”

“Why do I always feel like you know more about me than I do about myself,” Gerard asks.

“Because I’m not trying to see every single one of your flaws, dumbass,” Mikey answers.

“But you still see them, because I have a lot,” Gerard responds.

“Well you’re biggest flaw is the fact that you say shit like that. It’s exhausting having to hear you, someone who I care a lot about, always saying bad things about yourself, and you believe it. You fucking believe it,” Mikey sighs, “I’m not telling you or instructing you or anything, I’m just saying you should stop saying bad things like that. I’m also advising you that maybe Frank could be more than a friend.”

“Mikey, you’ve got to understand that with this, with who I am, I can never really have a relationship,” Gerard says.

“What makes you think that?”

“Mikey, who could fall for someone who changes their fucking gender every other day? That’s a lot of baggage, and no one can really be expected to help me carry it. Who could ever like me, Mikes? Straight people can’t fall for me, gay people can’t fall for me. I’m like an oscillating fan. One minute I’ll be pointing in the right direction, but the next, I’m somewhere else entirely.”

“Because gay and straight are the only possible sexualities,” Mikey says derisively.

“Well no, but it’s weird. What would anyone even call me? Their ‘boyfriend sometimes girlfriend’? I don’t make a lot of sense.”

“Significant other.”

“You’re dodging my point Mikey. Sure I like Frank, but it’s really hard to fathom anyone liking me, because honestly it’s like trying to hold onto wet soap while it’s slipping out of your hands. It just keeps falling, and that’s me. I’m a bar of soap that no one can really get a grasp on,” Gerard says.

“You are not a bar of soap. I’ll say what I think, because, yes, on one hand you are right. It’s hard to see some people accepting it on the level you’re thinking of. People may accept you as who you are, but they might draw the line at friendship, because they don’t accept it that much. That is a possibility. That’s unfortunate, but that’s the world we live in. We live in a world where it’s understandable to say you believe in transgender, but you would never date a transgender individual, and that is applicable to you too.

“So yes, that’s possible, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some people, a lot of people, probably, out there who wouldn’t mind it. There are people who are both accepting of who you are, as well as feasibly capable of being attracted to you. It’s not everyone, true, and you are going to have a harder time finding someone than a lot of other people do, but it’s not impossible. You need someone extraordinary, and you deserve someone extraordinary as well,” Mikey concludes.

“But all odds are stacked against me. When have you ever heard a story of someone falling in love with a genderfluid person? There’s no fairytales about that, no legends, no movies, no stories. It’s Robin and Marian. It’s Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. It’s Willow and Tara. You can’t peg me down, Mikes, so why would anyone want to try?”

“The last time I checked, you don’t fall in love with a gender, Gerard. You fall in love with a personality, and their gender is really just an afterthought.”

“But you sort people out by genders don’t you. ‘Here’s a list of my viable partners, based on what they’ve got in their pants,’” Gerard answers.

“Some people may think like that,” Mikey says, “but not everyone.”

“It really doesn’t matter,” Gerard answers. “I don’t think I want to have that right now. I don’t want to have a relationship.”

“I’m not going to fight you on this one. I’ve already won one battle, the war you have to fight yourself.”

~*~*~*~

“Hey Mikes, just out of curiosity, do you think Gerard would ever be interested in dating someone who’s just one gender or something?” Frank asks.

Mikey groans, because fuck, he knew this was coming, “what do you mean?”

“Like would Gee date a cisgender guy or girl?”

“It’s a possibility, I think Gerard would be very nervous about it though, because the thought would cross their mind that anyone who Gee would want to date, might get tired of having a relationship with someone like them.”

“But if you truly love someone it shouldn’t matter what gender they are,” Frank replies.

“That’s precisely what I said! Gerard is the most self-deprecating individual you will ever meet, Frank, and you’re going to have to get used to that.”

“Why though? Gerard is really, like, fantastic.”

“Oh god, you like Gerard,” Mikey says, his head falling to his pillow out of desperation. He knew that this was a distinct possibility, and now Gerard is adamant that they don’t want a relationship, but here Frank is with a crush on him.

Mikey is now the guy that’s stuck in the middle of it, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He just wants Gerard to be happy, and he really wouldn’t choose for Frank to like Gee if he had a choice, but it’s not like he’s going to object to it. Frank’s not a bad person, Gerard could do worse, but now Frank’s going to feel insulted because Gerard won’t want anything like that.

Frank looks guilty, “Is that a bad thing? You’re Gee’s brother, it’s a strange thing to talk about with you, but under the circumstances...”

“No of course it’s not a bad thing, but Gerard is such a handful. Gee really wouldn’t be, but the way that Gerard behaves about the way they are can be pretty sick. Treating it like it’s a disease sometimes, and it’s just wretched. No one should see themselves like that, but that’s who Gerard is.”

“But-”

“I interfere enough in Gerard’s life, I’m going to leave the love life part out of my job description. I don’t have anything against you liking Gerard, but you’re going to have to handle that on your own,” Mikey replies.

“Well I was going to, but I just wanted to know if you thought I had a chance.”

Mikey makes a noise like a really pissed off goose, and Frank decides to drop the subject.