Fickle Reticence

Gerard is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, and trying not to cry in front of Frank. Frank is trying to keep himself looking sympathetic while also trying not to look like he’s really attracted to Gerard, because now probably wouldn’t be the best time to come onto them. Frank’s not sure there will ever be a right time, but he’s fairly sure that Gerard at least likes his company, and that’s good enough for now. Maybe there will be a right time in the future, but now isn’t it.

“I wish I were normal,” Gerard says.

“What?”

“I wish I wasn’t like this,” Gerard repeats, “like, I wish I was just a guy. Then none of the crap that’s happened to me would’ve ever happened. I want to just be like everyone else, and not have to worry about being spit on based on what I am.”

“But then you wouldn’t be you,” Frank says, “and I like you.”

“But wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to hide away in here. If I could just be a regular person who just goes out on any given day and attends class. Not have to worry about being seen in makeup, because I wouldn’t have to wear it, because I wouldn’t feel like a chick. I don’t want to be what I am, because it makes my life infinitely harder. So how come I have to be like this?”

“You’re special. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I’m not special, I’m a mess,” Gerard replies.

“Well I’m not going to disagree with you there, I’m not sure where the floor even is in here,” Frank says looking at the ground, “it’s like a really intense game of the ‘floor is made of lava’ in here. You’re a mess, but you’re also special. You’re a special mess.”

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d ever want to be. I want to just be the loner boy. I’m not though, I’m the loner ‘what the fuck is it.’”

“You’re not an it, Gee. You’re a really cool, fantastic person. It doesn’t matter that other people see that, it only matters if the people you care about see that. You are fantastic, and Mikey sees that. His opinion is the one that matters not some douche with a crucifix on his door.”

Gerard shrugs, “I care about your opinion too.”

“Well I think you’re great,” Frank says.

“But what would you say about me if I weren’t in the room?”

Frank sighs, “I’d say that I know this really bitchin’ person named Gerard, who is an amazing artist, funny, sweet, talented and modest. I’d also say that Gerard is better than people realize, and there’s no person in the world I’d rather be friends with.”

Gerard blushes and lifts up off the bed to look at Frank skeptically. Frank’s spinning awkwardly in Gerard’s desk chair, which is a little too tall for him. He isn’t going to say anything about it, but his feet only barely touch the ground which is kind of demeaning.

“You wouldn’t say that,” Gerard says, brushing Frank’s words off.

“Yeah, I really would,” Frank replies, “I might add that you’re far too self-conscious considering how amazing you are.”

He starts to worry that he’s getting too cheesy, but really, it astounds Frank that anyone could be unable to see how fantastic they are. It’s so unfeasible that someone as great as Gerard can’t even see it. It literally blows his mind. Frank’s not perfect, but he knows that he is nowhere near as astonishing as Gerard.

“I don’t, I mean, I don’t have all the words in the world. I only have a few that I’ve picked up along my life, and they’re not very special. There’s a lot of words though, Gerard. It’s strange that of the words I do know, I haven’t been able to find one that even begins to describe you. I can only brush off the top of your complexity, and it’s so... I don’t know, agonizing, to have it at the tip of my tongue but come up short. You are though. You’re so great, and lovely, and I hate that I can’t enunciate to you how much I like being around you. I mean, I’ve never felt so compelled to be near someone in my entire life. It’s like I always crave being near you, and then it kills me that you don’t see that I do really care about you. A lot of people do, and so many more would love to hang out with you if you let them in. I will say, I do have the words for this, at least to say that you are doing the world a great disservice by hiding away.”

Gerard is silent for a few seconds, and Frank watches Gee’s feet swing over the side of the bed carelessly. There seems to be no pace or rhythm, the feet just swing and mesmerize Frank’s eyes dazedly.

“I think you need to realize that I appreciate it. I appreciate all your words, but you can say all the most beautiful words in the world, and string them out at me, but they don’t cure anything. No one knows what it’s like having to live in my head, and I would never wish that burden on a soul anyway,” Gerard says.

“But still, if you could see what I see,” Frank says, trying to somehow silently communicate his message to Gerard, “you’d just never have to doubt yourself again.”

“But if you saw what I see, than you’d never look my way again,” Gerard replies.

“I’m not critical of every little flaw though. I think you’re a good person Gee. I think you deserve to be told how great you are, because no amount of times you hear it will ever do you justice.”

“I am though. When I look in the mirror I see all this shit. I’m not a boy and I’m not a girl, I’m just this messed up in-between. I’m not pretty, or handsome, and when I wear what I want people remind me just how stupid I look. I’m the guy in a dress or I’m the girly looking boy who makes an ugly cross-dresser.”

Frank huffs, and looks over at Gerard who’s resigned to lying on the bed again. Frank looks over at Gerard, and walks over to the bed.

He falls down to lie parallel to Gerard, “you need to shut up with that vulgarity.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re being an asshole, but what’s strange is that you’re not insulting someone who deserves to be insulted. You’re calling out someone who’s better than almost anyone. Hell, you’re so unique and memorable, something that so few people are these days, but you are. You really are, and I don’t know how long I can listen to you putting yourself down.”

Gerard’s head makes a strange motion that looks like a shake of the head, and Frank rolls his eyes.

Frank takes a deep breath and says, “When I was younger, much younger than I am today, I was really into Peter Pan. Like, I kind of thought Peter Pan was the coolest guy in the world. All I’d ever really seen was the Disney movie, and when you’re young, you have trouble really considering things analytically. It’s hard to see the real message in a piece. So I thought it was the story about a boy who didn’t want to grow up, and I thought that the message was that being a child is the best thing in the world. Now I’m older, and I know better. It’s not about the positive of being a boy forever, it’s about the dangers of it. You know, looking back on it, after reading the book, I see that Peter isn’t this happy-go-lucky little kid. He’s messed up, and he’s let his naiveté essentially kill him. Childhood wonder is an astounding thing, but you can’t let it rule your life. You have to keep it there in small dosages so that you never lose yourself, but we have to grow up so that we have a place in this world. I know that, as we grow up, we start to understand things we didn’t when we were younger. I’ve grown up now though, and I miss it sometimes. I feel like I want to go back and relive it all, but that’s not a realistic dream. Nowadays, I don’t really feel like I’ve grown up any, but I see it when I remember that I’m afraid of being no one. I’m afraid that I’m not even a dot in the universe.”

“What’s your point?” Gerard asks.

Frank sighs, “My point is that I’m afraid that I don’t matter, but then I look at you, and I know you matter. I know that the world would be infinitely worse off if it lost you. That realization kind of soothes me though, because I don’t see my own purpose. I don’t know why I’m here, or how long I’m going to be here, but I look at you and I can’t believe that the world made such a flawless human, so I guess, it just gives me hope. You don’t see how great you are, and it makes me hope that maybe I do have a purpose, it’s just not one that I can see. Maybe that’s what the problem is with our society. Maybe we all have a purpose, and maybe we all really matter, but we’re all incapable of seeing it for ourselves. So maybe our purpose is to be there to illuminate someone else’s life.”

“I think that you’re the most amazing human I’ve ever met, Frank. I may not say it, and I may not be able to get it across that I like you, but I do,” Gerard whispers.

Frank grins and turns his head to look at Gerard, who’s still staring at the ceiling, “and my tie in to Peter Pan is that I know I have to grow up. I’ll never survive if I don’t let myself get older. When I’m with you I feel young, and mature at the same time. I feel like a perfect blend of both, but it’s only when I’m with you that I feel that way. Like, with you, I’m a little kid who sees shapes in the clouds, and I’m also wise enough to make it through this fucking huge tunnel that I’ve been stuck in for so long.”

“We’re all in a tunnel waiting to get out, but I think it’s scary to realize that we don’t know what’s on the other side,” Gerard says. “Even if it’s the smallest amount, Frank, you make my life better. Easier. I would hate to lose you more than I could ever tell you, so please don’t walk away from me.”

Gerard turns their head finally to look at Frank, fear in the hazel eyes.

“I’m not going to walk away from you,” Frank says looking directly into the piercing eyes staring back at him.

“Good. Because I think you could be good for me,” Gerard says, “and I could really use someone like you with what’s going on. You don’t have to be there for me. Like, with Mikey, don’t get me wrong, he’s the best brother in the fucking world, and he could’ve easily tossed me aside when I came out, if that’s even the proper term, but you didn’t. You barely knew me and you didn’t walk away, and that means a lot.”

Frank unconsciously licks his lips looking at Gerard, and Gerard can’t help but notice. The thoughts running through Gerard’s mind don’t make sense. Gerard is only inches from Frank’s face, and fuck does he want to kiss Gerard so much.

Frank doesn’t even get a chance to do anything before it’s happening. He’s not sure if he’s dreaming or if he’s totally imagining it, because he just sees Gerard in front of him, closer than he’d have thought possible. Gerard is right there though, eyes half-lidded, and Frank is acutely aware of the fact that his lips are touching Gerard’s.

Yeah, okay, so Frank is in heaven. Like, he’s pretty sure he’s just died of some freak accident and this is heaven. His eyes close when he can’t keep them open any longer, and then it’s just Gerard and him. He can’t feel the bed underneath him, nor his toes, but he can feel Gerard, and he can feel the blush soaring through his cheeks, but that’s about it.

Gerard’s just kind of lost. There’s no way to figure out what made Gerard lean in, because it just sort of happened. It felt right almost.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” Gerard says, pulling away and putting their hands up to cover the chalk white they’d just turned.

“What?” Frank asks, trying to get his thoughts in order.

“I shouldn’t... I’m sorry,” Gerard squeaks.

“Oh god,” Frank responds nervously, “no, fuck. No! I mean, like, don’t apologize for kissing me. That’s fine. I’m fine.”

“What?” Gerard asks, because for some reason Gerard had convinced themself that Frank was upset.

Frank is flustered to say the least, and he has trouble trying to understand what’s going on. Gerard’s pulled up into a sitting position, face hidden, and back stiff. Frank pulls himself up to sit in front of Gerard, tucking one leg underneath him.

“Gerard, don’t apologize! I was into it,” Frank says bluntly. He doesn’t want to send out mixed signals.

“Wait,” Gerard asks, peaking between the fingers, “so I wasn’t out of line?”

“I... is it not completely obvious that I have a crush on you? Because I do,” Frank says. He’s honestly willing to spill his heart out to Gerard if it means he’ll get to kiss Gerard again. He didn’t even realize how fucking hard he was falling until it went and slapped him in the face.

“Fuck,” Gerard says making a face, “Mikey was right. I do like you.”

Frank smiles, “does that mean you’re going to kiss me again?”

Gerard turns scarlet, and it’s sort of adorable.

“I’m, uh, I mean, Frank, I’m not a boy. I’m not a girl, so even if I look like a boy or a girl, that doesn’t make me one.”

“I know,” Frank says, “but I don’t care. Why should what you are matter? The only thing I’m going to have to draw the line at is if you’re a Bigfoot skeptic like your brother.”

“You serious?”

“I never kid when it comes to Bigfoot, Gerard.”

Gerard tries to keep a straight face, but ends up giggling and it makes Frank smile to himself.

“You’re pretty extraordinary,” Gerard says.

“I try,” Frank says.

Gerard nods, and looks down at the duvet, “Frank, if you honestly accept me, then I want you more than anything. I don’t care about specifics, I just do.”

Frank grins, and puts a hand on the side of Gerard’s face, “I accept you.”

That’s all Gerard really needs to hear before attacking Frank’s mouth again, with ten times as much force this time.