Fickle Reticence

“I met your brother. Well I mean, I met him yesterday morning as well, but I actually talked to him in the library,” Frank says.

“What? You talked to Gerard? Or...” Mikey asks.

“Yeah, he’s cool. Better than you anyway,” Frank says, and then dodges the wad of paper thrown at his head.

“What did you, uh, never mind,” Mikey says wondering why on earth Gerard was willing to talk to Frank. Honestly Gee’s been pretty much a hermit for the past three years and Mikey’s never understood what prevented Gerard from talking to people. What makes Frank different? Frank tends to talk to you whether you’re paying attention or not though so it’s entirely possible that Gerard said four words to Frank, and he’d still classify it as a conversation.

“What were you gonna say?” Frank asks. Mikey looks up at Frank and realizes he’s probably got the most bewildered expression right now, so he fixes it back to his famous poker face.

“Nothing. Gerard just doesn’t usually chat with people that’s all,” Mikey says, “most of his friends are on the internet.”

“Really? He was pretty loquacious when I talked to him,” Frank replies, flipping through the pages of his magazine without absorbing many of the words, if any at all.

“Who the fuck says loquacious?”

“I do, you uneducated swine,” Frank replies, “buy yourself a thesaurus one of these days.”

“Only if there’s pictures,” Mikey replies, falling back on his bed to stare at the ceiling tiredly. He may have gotten enough sleep, but he wore himself out trying to get his work done. At least Frank can’t make fun of him for procrastinating though, because he too has the rest of the day free.

“I’ll make sure there’s pictures for you,” Frank replies.

“I didn’t mean that I wanted you to draw a dick on every page.”

“You insult my artistic talent. I can draw a variety of different things.”

“Yeah. You can draw oranges, clocks, tires, hockey pucks and voltorb,” he responds.

Frank frowns, “Those are all just circles.”

“My point exactly.”

“You’re an asshole,” Frank announces.

“I’m not going to deny that,” he answers jauntily, even though he’s completely aware that Frank is grabbing the wad of paper from the ground that was thrown only a minute before. Mikey’s close to catching it, but sadly it falls through his fingers and onto the bedspread.

“Do you want lunch? I’m hungry. I promise not to threaten you with Sisqó this time,” Frank says.

“Yeah we can get lunch, I suppose,” Mikey says, “It’s the first time all semester that you’ve done your work early. I’m proud of you man.”

“Proud enough to buy me a muffin?” Frank asks.

“Not really. Only if you get a Nobel Peace Prize. Only then will I buy you a muffin,” Mikey states.

“Really? I won the fucking Nobel Peace Prize and all you do for me is buy me a fucking pastry? It’s one of the most prestigious academic awards in the whole world, and all I get is a baked good?”

“Well I’m just generous that way. It’s a million dollar award, you can buy your own damn muffin with it.”

“I hate you,” Frank scolds.

“No you don’t, I’m fantastic,” Mikey smiles.

“Whatever gets you through the day, bro,” Frank rolls his eyes.

“So lunch?” Mikey changes the topic, “I’ll invite Gerard too then. Gee’s dorm is on the way.”

“We can invite him, sure,” Frank says. By the way that Frank uses his pronouns, Mikey is more than sure that Gerard didn’t tell him. It’s not like he’d have expected Gerard to, he just tells himself to remember that. Gerard has the final say on who knows what, so Mikey promises to keep it to himself unless and until Gerard tells him otherwise.

Mikey’s gotten used to choosing his words carefully in reference to his older sibling. May it be ‘they’ or just using Gerard’s name, it doesn’t matter, Mikey just tries to refrain from actual pronouns until he’s confirmed what Gerard’s identifying as at the moment.

“Well I should call first because sometimes Gee’s... not really a person who wants to hang out,” Mikey says.

“Can’t you just stop by his room? You said it’s on the way to the caf.”

“Um, well I don’t like dropping by unannounced. It’s better for me to call,” Mikey says.

“Okay, whatever man,” Frank says, and waits for Mikey.

“I’m going to call in the hall, if that’s alright,” Mikey says, standing up, and Frank eyes him judgmentally.

“Because asking if he wants lunch is a conversation that’s not to be overheard?” Frank says with amusement.

“Some people like their privacy more than others, Frank. Gee is one of those people,” Mikey says, standing up and walking towards the door before Frank can ask him any more questions.

He steps into the hall which is empty for the most part and then calls Gerard up quickly.

“Hey Mikes,” the voice on the other end says.

“Hey, so me and Frank are going to get lunch, and I was wondering if you wanted to come along. He mentioned that you two talked yesterday,” Mikey says.

“It’s ‘Frank and I’ by the way, and I think I’ll sit this one out.”

“I’m not asking you to correct my fucking grammar, I just wanted to know if you wanted to come,” Mikey answers.

“And I just gave you your answer.”

Mikey doesn’t have to ask Gee to know what’s going on in the gender report today. Gerard likes getting lunch with Mikey and hanging out. Gee doesn’t because she thinks people will point at her and judge.

“Are you sure? It sounded like you and Frank hit it off.”

“Mikes I don’t really feel up to it,” Gee replies.

“Is it because you don’t feel like-”

“A guy? Yes. Frank’s never seen me as a girl, or at least he doesn’t recognize me, and it’s best that he never does. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“So you’re just going to completely avoid everyone when you’re not a dude?” Mikey asks, “That’s a little ridiculous.”

“Yes I know, but your friend Frank, he was really nice, and I’d really hate for him to think I’m a freak,” she replies.

“But you’re not a freak! You’re not confused, and you’re not indecisive, Gee. You’re just you. If Frank doesn’t see that, but I know him pretty well so I bet he probably would understand, then he’s the freak.”

“You don’t get it. I’m not comfortable being myself just yet. When the time comes maybe it’ll be easier, but for now, I’d really rather avoid having panic attacks because of this. I know who I am, and I’m not ashamed, at least not as much as I used to be, I’m just not prepared to be the weirdo on campus again.”

Mikey groans, “But Gee-”

“You know it’s my choice, Mikey. I get to decide what people know about me, not you. My infamy has died down here because I was gone the past few months, okay? People forgot about the cross-dressing freak, and I’d like for it to stay that way,” she answers. Mikey’s not an idiot, he knows that Gerard/Gee is neither a cross-dresser nor a freak, but he doesn’t argue, because Gee’s in one of those moods where she’s trying to demean herself and nothing can stop that. Gerard can be a pretty self-destructive person in any gender.

“I won’t tell anyone who you don’t expressly permit me to tell, I just hope you know what you’re doing. Frank’s a nice guy and in a lot of ways you’re lying to him,” Mikey replies.

“It’s not lying. It’s my truth to tell anyway. Give me some time to trust him, okay?” Gee replies, and Mikey sighs again.

“You know how easy it would be though? I’d just say to him ‘hey there’s something you don’t know about Gerard, but I’ll let Gerard tell you in person.’ Then you’d just introduce yourself, tell him that your gender identity changes from day to day, and that would be it. That’s all that you’d really need to say. This is college, Gee, no one gives a shit. I saw a guy go to class in a penguin onesie. My neighbors are having a Blues Clues marathon as we speak, I can actually hear the ‘we just got a letter’ song right now between the walls. The people across the hall from me have the words ‘damn it, who invited moon moon’ written on their door.”

“That’s all very well and good Mikey, but please don’t patronize me. I’m going to stay in, and I don’t doubt that you believe Frank is an upstanding guy, but this is my choice. Emphasis on the ‘my’ part. I’m not dissing your friend, I’m telling you that that’s the way I feel,” she says.

“God, I’m not trying to be mean, Gee, I’m really not. I’m sorry if it came across that way. You know I worry about you so I might as well not even say it, but I do. I worry that distancing yourself from everyone is going to make you get lost again, and I don’t want you to be lost. I just want you to know that you can be whoever the fuck you are, under the parameters that you’re not hurting anyone. You’re not hurting anyone so that’s why I’m in favor of you being yourself with people,” Mikey says.

“I know I get it, Mikey. I know that it sucks having me as a sibling.”

“That’s not what I meant! I didn’t say that. You know I didn’t say that. I just want you to reevaluate those guidelines, Gee. It doesn’t matter who you are as long as you’re not hurting anyone, but you are hurting yourself by locking yourself away.”

“Not like I used to. Not when it was strangling me,” she says, and Mikey frowns. Those were not good days. Before Gee had been able to come out to anyone it had killed them. Mikey tries not to think about it too much.

“Just remember that there’s nothing wrong with being different, okay? I’d hate to see it start to kill you again.”