It's a Start

CREEPER ALERT. I’m calling the po-po on you, weirdo.

You’re the one that’s 25, O’Callaghan. I laughed loudly and focused back on drying the rest of my hair.

It was a week later now. I was getting ready for work and John was leaving tomorrow. I hadn’t really seen him much besides last weekend when he came over, but we’d been talking a lot since then. He told me he was excited to get on the road again and so were the rest of the guys in the band. About two days ago, he told me their name, but I didn’t have a chance to look them up since I’d been busy with school most of the time. He also said that they were terrible, but I beg to differ.

I had watched a lot of Law & Order this weekend and I’d become obsessed with it. John made fun of me all the time too.

My phone vibrated again on the counter and I picked it up, reading the text quickly and laughing again. I sent him one back and pulled on my sneakers and snatched the black bandana from the top of my dresser.

“I’m trying to get ready for work and you’re being a jerk,” I pressed the phone against my cheek with my shoulder and adjusted the bandana around my head.

“I am not,” he laughed on the other side. I smiled and talked to him while putting my jacket and glasses on.

As I pulled up to work and parked in the back, I sat in my seat for a few minutes and played around with the rings on my fingers. “I’ll talk to you later. Have a safe trip.”

The frown was evident in his voice. “Okay. Talk to you later.”

I stared down at my phone for a few minutes and realized for a split second that I’d miss these stupid conversations over the course of the time he’d be gone. I didn’t even know how long he’d be gone. My feet brought me toward the backdoor while I pushed those thoughts out of my head and I sighed as I put my bag down on the desk.

Now I was just plain sad about him leaving.

Was it right for me to be this sad about it? I mean, yeah, we were friends and I liked having him around, but should I really be thinking about it this much? Besides, music is his career and he loved it. It’s what he was meant to do by how much passion he held inside or how much was behind his words when he spoke of it.

I think that was something I admired about him. John has a lot of passion for what he does and someday I hope I have as much passion as him. What was I even meant to do with my life?

Bartending was fun and all and I loved working with Mindy and the people that I did, but was it really what I wanted to do? Again, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was going to school for cosmetology and I know that there were plenty of jobs in the degree, but I was undecided. I could work in so many places; there were so many choices that I could choose from, but I always panicked whenever I thought about my future. College was fine, but for another year? I wasn’t so sure.

“Hello. Earth to Andrea.” Mindy waved her hand in front of my face and I snapped out of my thoughts, shifting my eyes toward her. “You okay?”

I nodded and got back to work, but that only brought the thoughts back for the next four hours. Opting out on a break tonight, I served as many people as I could. Even if I was really clumsy tonight, Moby didn’t ask me anything until I was leaving.

“You alright? What’s on your mind?” He wondered while handing me the tips I earned from the jar.

I shrugged, “College.”

“You’re not sure about it anymore?” I shook my head as an answer and hugged him before heading into the backroom for my jacket and bag. Mindy said goodnight as we walked outside toward our cars and I sat in mine while she drove away.

Why was this bringing me down so much?

Before I knew it, water was coming down my cheeks and I sniffed. Wiping my cheeks violently, I slammed my head back a little too hard and winced, rubbing the spot over my hair.

I shouldn’t be this upset over nothing.

My eyes were still watery as I rummaged through my bag for my phone. I tapped John’s name in my messages and watched my fingers run across the screen. Can you meet me at my house?

It was something to do and pass the time before he had to leave.

He didn’t text me back and he wasn’t there when I pulled into my driveway. I felt like absolute shit right now. It was all because I was doubtful about my freaking future. God, could I actually get anywhere?

Before I could finish that thought, I saw headlights turn onto my street and I got out. The car passed and that only made me want to cry more. I slumped toward the porch and sat down, putting my head between my knees.

I sniffed while looking for my cigarettes and stuck one in my mouth, lighting up quickly. My eyes popped open when I heard tires pull in to the driveway and a door shut a second later. John rounded the corner, smiling at the sight of me, but it faltered.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, sitting down next to me. I couldn’t even formulate a response. My shoulders sagged and I dropped my head between my knees again. “Andy,” he cooed in my ear, nudging me with his shoulder.

Oh, yeah. Did I mention that he’s picked up the nickname for me now? I kind of liked it to be honest.

I sniffed, “I’m just tired.”

“Come on,” he said. “Put that thing out and let’s go inside.” I obliged and stubbed the cigarette out before unlocking the door for both of us and closing it behind him. “Ice cream?”

“Please.” I nodded. He got the carton and two spoons for us while I sat on the couch and wrapped my legs in a blanket. We sat across from each other on the couch, the carton between us.

“Now do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is really wrong, I’ve just been thinking a lot tonight.”

“What were you thinking about?”

I swallowed the ice cream and shrugged. “My future. I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life,” he noted.

“Yeah, but you’re in a band. You’ve been doing it for a while and you could still be doing it for the next twenty years.”

“So, what’s your point?” His question didn’t come out harshly, he was just curious.

“My point is that I don’t know what I want to do. This is the first time in two months that I’m actually panicking about it and thinking about it and it’s scaring me.” He watched me closely while I rambled. “I probably had a plan about what I wanted to do before all this shit.”

“That’s out of your hands, Andrea. You can’t help what happened.”

“I know, I know, but I feel so guilty all the time. Craig makes me feel horrible whenever he tells me something about us, Leah and Connor came over the other night and made me feel even worse even though they told me it wasn’t my fault, Brian looks at me as if I’m some stranger and I just feel useless now. I don’t know a goddamn thing about myself, John. Those questions I asked you? I didn’t even have answers for them. I made all that stuff up—besides my family and being born here. I know nothing.” My eyes glossed over, but I didn’t shed a tear.

“You’re not useless,” John shook his head. We were both done with the ice cream; it was just still between us now. “Things happen for a reason and whether that reason’s good or bad doesn’t matter. This happened and now you’re just a blank page of a book. Write your story; you’ll figure out all those little details along the way. Frankly, those don’t matter in friendships and shit. Just be who you are, even if you’re not sure who that is.”

I sighed quietly, looking up at him with a spreading smile. The ice cream carton was set on the coffee table and I moved closer to him. He put his arm around me while I lay my head on his chest.

“I like who you are, Andy.” He whispered. “You’re sweet, compassionate, and gregarious and you’re an intelligent person. You can be a little grouchy, but that’s okay.”

“I am not!” I scoffed, pulling away with the same smile. He gave me a look as if to say that I was being exactly that and I laughed a little, laying my head on his chest again. “Thanks, John.”

We stayed like that for a while. I started to fall asleep around eleven thirty, which was weird since I didn’t take a pill and I still couldn’t sleep without it. Law & Order was on, playing in the DVD player since I had just about every season. I’m surprised John’s eyes were glued to the screen without making fun of the show. Maybe it was getting to him too.

“I hate to leave, but bus call is at ten.” He rubbed my upper arm to catch my attention and I opened my tired eyes to move off him. We both stood, me with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders. “You’re coming on the 18th, right?” He asked at the door.

I leaned against it with wide eyes. Where had my tiredness gone? “Mhm,” I hummed. “I bought my ticket last night.”

He smiled softly, hands already in his pockets. “I’ll see you then.” I opened the door for him and watched him turn around to hug me around the waist.

“Have a safe trip. Don’t cause too much trouble,” I reminded him, taking a chance and leaning up on my toes to kiss his cheek. “Thanks for tonight, too.”

I couldn’t even close my eyes without a pill when I tried.