It's a Start

I woke up the next morning, looking around the ceiling and wondering how I even went to sleep. Again, I didn’t take any pills.

Mindy was up in the living room when I walked through the condo quietly and the clock under the TV read eleven thirty. How did I sleep in so late? Was I in another world? Sure felt like it.

We sat on the couch and flipped through the channels until settling with watching My Best Friend’s Wedding. Mindy said it was one of her favorites while we watched and I was beginning to like it too. Jasper came out around noon, fully dressed for work.

“Julia Roberts is a babe.” He commented, standing behind us.

“Dermot Mulroney is a babe,” Mindy said back while eating her cereal. I just listened to them since I’d never seen the movie before now.

Jasper scoffed and leaned over Mindy to kiss her head. “See you later, Andrea.”

“Good seeing you again, Jas!” I said as he was leaving.

Eating and watching the movie took up the majority of our Saturday and Mindy was washing both of our bowls clean as I intently watched the movie.

“Oh shit.” I muttered as the two kissed, but the guy’s fiancé was standing just a few feet away watching them. Mindy laughed, walking back toward her room to change out of her pajamas and I stayed on the couch.

The movie ended about thirty minutes later and I was pretty pissed because the two that kissed didn’t end up together. Mindy laughed as I expressed my feelings about it before I went and changed so she could take me home.

As I was going to bed that night, I got a call from John and I was freaking out before I answered it with calm nerves.

“Was wondering when you’d call.” I said, twirling a piece of my hair and looking up at the spinning ceiling fan.

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been quiet for the past couple days.”

“It’s fine. How is it?”

“Awesome,” there was a smile evident in his voice. “We’ve been playing mostly later in the day and doing a bunch of signings and pretty much staying up all night and sleeping until we have to play. It’s rough since we’ve just started, but I know we’ll get the hang out of it.”

“Sounds busy,” I made a face. You’re so stupid. “Busy.” Really?

“Yeah, but my sleep schedule’s messed up.”

Tell me about it. “Like you said, you’ll get the hang of it.”

He hummed, agreeing with me. “What have you been up to? Who’s the girl with you in the picture from last night?”

“That’s Mindy. She’s the girl I work with at the bar.” I rubbed my eyes, yawning. “We went out for drinks, mostly just for the fun of it, but we also got our paychecks yesterday.”

We talked for the next hour, catching up on what we’ve been up to and I finally learned that he was in Texas now. He also said he was enjoying himself, happy to be around his best friends and other bands that he hasn’t seen in a while.

I didn’t even know what Facetime was until John called me on it the day before he’d be back in the state. I was grinning the whole time, just happy to see his face even though it hadn’t been that long. He was jittery, excited with the news of me being able to go backstage during the show and being able to get the inside look of what fans wanted to see. I didn’t think I deserved it since I’d never listened to their music, but I kept that to myself.

Leah and I were meeting for lunch in just a few minutes and I had to leave, but John didn’t want to say goodbye.

“You’ll see me tomorrow! I promise,” I laughed and watched him spread a smile.

He frowned, but let me go this time. “See you tomorrow, dork.” I laughed and said goodbye before running out to my car and meeting Leah just in time.

She asked me how I’d been and I was grateful for makeup because the concealer managed to cover my dark eyes. Her blonde hair was braided over her shoulder, reaching just to her waist. She was wearing a tank top, bandeau showing on the sides, and jean shorts along with gladiator sandals. I admired her style.

“I got it from you,” she admitted. “These are actually your shoes, but you didn’t want them anymore.”

I smiled, chewing what was in my mouth. “How’s Connor?”

“Pretty good. He actually hung out with Craig and Brian last night. I can never unglue those guys.”

My smile faltered and I looked up at her, putting my fork down. “How is Craig?”

She glanced at me and looked back up to see my serious eyes. “He’s getting through it. He cut back on drinking,” she said with a positive voice. I felt a little better about that. “Brian must’ve got through to him.”

I nodded, going back to eating my salad. “I don’t like that he’s hurting.”

“No one does. But he’s realizing that this is what he has to deal with. Whether he likes it or not.”

“I just want him to be okay.”

“He’s getting there. We’re all looking out for him, I can promise you that.”

I looked up at her again and slumped my shoulders, slightly feeling goose bumps rise due to my tank top and the air conditioning. “I’m sorry, Leah.” She looked up with furrowed eyebrows. “You and Craig lost your best friend and I feel awful about it.”

“Andrea, you really need to stop with that. I understand that it’s rough on you because we’re all sad about this, but I’ve accepted it. I do believe that we can work through it, no matter how much Craig will hold us back on that. You are and will always be my best friend – not even. You’re my sister. I feel your pain too.”

I gave her a warm smile and we threw that conversation in the trash forever and focused on the positive things. Hey, we even went window-shopping after lunch and I had a great time with her. Leah was a great person to be around, whenever she laughed you automatically smiled or joined in. She was someone that I wanted to have around for a long time and I invited her over this weekend so we could catch up more and I could hear about more memories we shared.

Even if I still felt guilty about it, she kept assuring me that it was okay. I couldn’t decide whether to believe her or not, but I went with the latter because I was so paranoid and unsure about it.

Yes, I do think that it’s my fault and as much as someone tells me it’s not, I don’t think I’ll ever believe them. When would I? And yes, as many times as I tell myself that it wasn’t my fault, I still won’t even believe myself.

“I love you so much, Andrea. Just know that, okay?” Leah mumbled, chin on my shoulder as we hugged beside my car. We’d walked through town for about an hour and even stopped for coffees. “I know it’s uncomfortable now, but I still mean it.”

“Thank you.” I nodded, pulling away from her. “You know, even if I don’t remember anything, I’m glad I became friends with you.”

I really was. Leah was such an understanding and kind-hearted person that I didn’t want to kick her out or let her go out of my life.

She thanked me and said she’d talk to me later before walking off to her car. I got in mine with a satisfied smile and started the engine, anticipating my arrival back home because I was in the mood for music. Plus, I had to hype myself up for tomorrow.

Before heading toward the record player, I changed in my room to my bathing suit. It was a beautiful day, especially one for lying out and taking a dip. I pulled out a random record, holding it out in front of me and reading “Blink-182” to myself.

I really hope my neighbors weren’t outside scowling over my fence because the record playing had lots of curse words and I laughed every time they were said – especially during the fourth song. My hand covered my mouth and my stomach clenched tight, making it hard for me to breathe while treading water.

I made another box of mac and cheese for dinner, frowning at it in my lap because it made me think of John. He didn’t answer my Facetime call, which only made my frown deeper, but he was probably busy or sleeping. When I looked up, it was midnight and I covered my face, ashamed that I stayed up this late because I’d probably sleep in until ten and I had to leave at eleven.

The house was quiet as I washed the bowl in the sink and set it on top of the towel so it could dry. Every light was turned off and the back door was locked tight, along with the front door. I sat up in bed, quickly painting my nails just because I wanted to.

I checked my phone, but still had nothing new from John or anyone else.

The pill went down my throat and I looked back up in the mirror, pleading the dark circles to be gone when I woke up tomorrow morning.

What am I even going to wear tomorrow? I thought while the pill dissolved inside my stomach. Well, I’m going to be in the sun all day.

Can I just get some sleep so I don’t look like a zombie? I’ll be cranky and John will actually start calling me grouchy.

Oh boy. Please, don’t.

I really hope he doesn’t call me grouchy.

Okay, okay. I’m done.

Go to sleep!

Eyes! Shut! Now!