It's a Start

Craig and I squeezed in a lunch on Thursday since I wanted to hang out or do something with someone before I left.

Mindy was going to New York with Jasper for a surprise trip that she managed to bribe out of him. He had kept it a secret until last night when they were fooling around and he let it slip. Mindy called me right away and joyfully told me the news.

Craig and I talked a lot during lunch, just spurring random things out from the both of us. We had a fun lunch, going to Jimmy John’s a few blocks away from my house. He’d been doing great so far. Drinking profusely was completely out of the picture and he groaned while saying that Brian had him on binge watch almost every night. Even when they went out to bars, Brian specifically told the bartender to give him just one drink. Craig was really annoyed by his older brother’s actions, but I told him he was just looking out for him.

I thanked Brian for that too. He’d kept his word and said he’d look out for Craig while he was living with him. It made me feel less bad about it, but only a little. I was still happy that Craig cut back on the alcohol – that was very important. Plus, I didn’t want him wasting his life away by being drunk every day or hung over. The toxic liquor only heightened his mental pain.

Speaking of pain, I had been in it a lot lately. I felt like shit and the bad dreams only made me worse. All this week I had been dreaming of just one thing over and over again – plane crashes.

I’d be walking through the airport, trying to find where my plane was and I’d get on, sit in my seat, and wait patiently for us to take off. Next thing, the lights of the cabin would be going on and off every second, everyone’s screams reaching my ears except for mine. I couldn’t scream in my dreams. I tried numerous times – I tried even talking, but I didn’t make a peep! How bad was that?

People would be swarming me, trying to get to safety, but hello; we were on a plane, a lot of miles up in the air with no way to get down. Except if we jumped, but that didn’t sound fun. Even the flight attendants didn’t know what to do, banging on the doors for the pilots to land us safely back on Earth. Eventually, they came out to and yelled.

Alarms started going off everywhere around me and I just sat back down in my seat, covering my ears and crying while everyone screamed. Just as the plane collided back into the land, flames going up and debris flying every-which-way, I jolted awake in bed in a cold sweat. My window had been open and my ceiling fan was on, but I was still hot going to bed.

With no sleep and beyond tired eyes, I got dressed during the better morning hours and sighed while sitting on my bed and putting my sandals on. The dream came back in flashbacks and I was losing my breath, starting to sweat again. The chirp of a bird outside my open window sent me to the ground because it startled me so badly. I held my chest, losing my breath more and more. My heart was pounding.

Toughen up, Andrea.

I got to my feet shakily, watching my unsteady hands grab the comforter to pull me up. Jesus, I felt like I was about to die right now. A heat flash came along with the thoughts and I stumbled toward the bathroom after I felt my stomach roll. The contents of my dinner from last night came up and I coughed violently, another heat flash just passing through like it was no big deal. My chest surged with pain and my throat definitely just closed up.

I crawled back to bed and grabbed my bag to search for my phone. There was no way I could make the airport in just ten minutes and get on my plane – there was just no way. I was still breathing harshly and I dialed Leah’s number, knowing that Mindy couldn’t pick up since she was on her plane right now.

“Hey! What’s up?” Leah said happily while I was struggling to breathe. “Andrea?”

“L-le,” was all I got out before she hung up and was here in about two minutes. Her footsteps stomped down the hallway and she slid down to me curled in a ball by the side of my bed.

“Oh my gosh.” She muttered, putting her hands out but not knowing what to do. “Okay, okay. Andrea,” she pulled me up and had me lean against the wall. “Breathe.” She started showing me how and told me to open and close my hand slowly. In just under ten minutes, I had my breathing back. “You’re okay.” She pulled me into her chest while I started to cry and it was then that I realized that John would be expecting me soon.

Leah stayed with me during the day, wrapping me up in her arms on the living room couch while I had a blanket around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about this morning, wondering if it would happen again. If it was, I don’t know if I’ll be ready to call someone again. Leah even thought that I was having a heart attack because of how struggling it was for me to catch my breath.

It made me cry so many times when my phone rang in my room and I just knew it was John, wondering where the hell I was and why I wasn’t there. How do I even tell him what happened? “I almost died,” didn’t seem to fit well.

Leah brought me to bed before she left and I lay there, looking over at her while she made sure I was okay. I nodded, not having said a word at all today. The blanket from the couch was still over me and I watched her leave, closing my door behind her. I couldn’t move to get my pill and I didn’t really try.

My phone rang once again on the floor where it still was and my eyes watered. Something sparked and I moved over to my side and grabbed my phone. The call ended and I stared at the screen that was full of notifications – mostly from John himself.

I unlocked my phone and my eyes watered even more as I read the messages.

Where are you?
Your plane just landed and I haven’t seen you yet.
Andrea, answer me.
Hello?
Okay, I don’t know whether to be mad because you’re not here or because you basically stood me up.

Each of them made me feel worse and worse. My phone vibrated again and I looked up, reading the blurry lettering.

2 New Voicemails

I went to the calls and held the phone to my ear. Both of them were from John, one from a few hours ago and another from just a few seconds ago.

“Andrea, please answer me,” he pleaded in the first one. “I’m worried about you. I just wanted to see you and I got pissed because I couldn’t.” He sighed, upset with himself. “Call me.”

I went to the next one and my heart dropped.

“Why didn’t you come? Did I do something wrong? I-I just wanted to see you, Andy,” he cooed drunkenly. He was drinking tonight – because of me? “I just wanted to fucking see you this weekend and hear your jokes and hug you and walk around with you and talk to you,” he rambled and I covered my mouth, my fore finger catching a few tears. “It’s just…I hurt, Andy. I hurt really bad and it fucking sucks because I t-try to feel something, but end up with nothing. Jesus, I kind of need you.” I sobbed out, realizing how downhill this day went. The message ended and I stared at my lit up screen, hoping he’d call right now, but I didn’t really want to talk to him while he had many amounts of alcohol in his system.

I woke up the next morning and stayed in bed in the same clothes from yesterday. My brain couldn’t get enough of John’s message and I replayed it about fifty times. Grumbles in my stomach made me get up and walk into the kitchen to find something to eat, but I settled with a smoothie. John might’ve been on stage right now, but I decided to call him.

His voicemail greeted me, so I sighed and hung up.

I lay around for the day, watching a few movies on TV and making dinner for myself while thinking about yesterday. My whole body felt like it was telling me I was about to die and it was a scary experience. At least I can mark “have anxiety attack” off my list.

Kidding, but true.

When would be the next time I’d have one? That is if I do have another one. Let’s just expect that it’s not any time soon because it was one hell of a ride.

Leah called me to check up on me and after she hung up, I tried calling John again. No answer.

That’s how it went for the next few weeks. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer whenever I did. I even called when I knew that he would be awake. The different time zones made it difficult, but he wouldn’t go to bed at eight, would he? I was getting really frustrated because he wouldn’t answer me and I knew fully well that the voicemails I’d leave him would be listened to and he wouldn’t answer, so I just hung up before it could reach that point.

I felt guilty (I know) because he wasn’t answering me and I knew he was just being obstinate, but I was trying here. I was trying to apologize, but he wasn’t letting me and it was making me feel worse. As if I needed this stress when I have school to worry about – still undecided, by the way.

John was driving me up a wall and I’m not sure when he’d finally break, but I hope it was soon.

I’d just have to push him a little more.

I kind of, maybe, miss this dork. @thefifthjohn

I couldn’t help myself. The picture from when I last saw him was a good one to post, so I did and hopefully he’d see it and finally talk to me. It was the one of him with my bag, the one that made me laugh way too hard.

A quick nap sufficed before going to work that day and I still hadn’t heard anything from him, but I wished and hoped all night that there would be some kind of sign. Just something to show that he was thinking of me. Mindy noticed my down mood and tried her best to comfort me. Sometimes she’d succeed and others I just pasted on a fake smile and told her I was fine. Inside, I felt like screaming and crying.

When she heard about my anxiety attack, she apologized for not being there, but it was fine. She was with Jasper and she was where she needed to be. It’s just a good thing someone was there for me in a time like that. If they weren’t, I might be dead right now. That wasn’t such a good thing to think about.