It's a Start

For the next few days, I was stuck at the hospital. There were tons of tests and scans that I lost track of my schedule and moved whenever I had to. I could walk perfectly fine, but the nurses insisted on a wheelchair. This hospital gown was itchy and uncomfortable and I rarely got to change into the clothes that Craig brought– Andrea’s clothes.

Andrea would’ve wanted him there during the tests and things, but I didn’t because it made me uncomfortable. He made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know him or have any recollection of who he was. I felt terrible.

Being sentenced to bed rest for the rest of the day was the absolute worst. The view I had from the windows was beautiful and that only made me want to get up and go out there. Dr. Carr said no and told me I had to stay for a few more days until they figured out a few more things. It’s been a couple days and my memory hadn’t come back– it wasn’t going to. Period.

I cheered inside my head when he finally came in about a week later and said I could go home tomorrow. Thank you! I needed to feel something new besides sorrow and guilt. Craig hadn’t been around for a few days, but the nurse told me that he agreed on taking me home. Apparently Craig and I lived together, but I had money saved up from working my butt off. I also had my own car (a new one), which was kind of exciting in my opinion. But I had to wait a period of time to drive sadly.

The morning of my departure I woke up with excitement bubbling in the pit of my stomach. All of the cards that were on the table were at home and the only thing left in the room was a bag of clothes and my phone. I still didn’t know my password so I hadn’t touched it much. I got out of bed and got dressed, greeting the nurse when she came in and checked some last minute things for me.

I looked over when there was a knock and it opened. I smiled a little at Craig and he came in with his hands in his pockets. The nurse wished me luck and gave me a short hug as we stood in the hallway. Craig was holding my bag for me and she said goodbye to both of us before Craig touched my upper back and led me down the halls to get out of this place.

The warmth that surrounded me made me smile and I enjoyed the sunlight hitting my face as Craig walked me toward his car. As he drove, I fell more and more in love with the scenery and I understood why Andrea lived here in the first place. It was absolutely breathtaking.

A smile came on my face as Craig parked in the driveway of what I guessed was where I was going to live. It was a nice place, a place that I could actually see myself living in. Craig opened the door for me and let me walk around to become familiar with the place. The kitchen was open into the living room area with a dining room attached through the archway. A clear-watered pool was in the backyard along with a gazebo and grass for the yard. A tan stonewall fenced it in and I went back inside after getting a good glimpse around.

“Come on, I’ll show you to your room.” Craig motioned, still holding the bag and I followed behind him. He brought me down a narrow hallway with three doors, all of which were open to reveal two bedrooms and a bathroom. Craig brought me into the door on the right and it included a big bed, a dark wood dresser and nightstands and there were two doors. One was a closet that Craig and Andrea probably shared and the other was to a private bathroom. “Are you hungry?” Craig asked and I turned around with my arms wrapped around me. “I bought a roasted chicken from the store and made some green beans.”

“Yeah.” I nodded with a soft smile. He nodded, rubbing his hands on his thighs, and headed toward the door. I stopped him, walking over to my bag, and pulling out my phone. “Do you happen to know my password?”

“Oh, yeah.” He said, walking over to take it from my hands and type it in. He didn’t tell me what it was, but I watched as he did it, then left to go into the kitchen to prepare my plate of food. I sat on the bed in the meantime and rummaged around on the phone, trying to figure out how to turn off the passcode. Once I found the setting, I turned it off and took out the contents of the bag. It must’ve been mine since there were things that are necessities and also a pack of cigarettes. I left everything on the bed when Craig said dinner was ready.

We sat down in the dining room and we ate quietly, neither of us knowing what to say nor where to start. I stabbed a string of beans and forked it into my mouth, enjoying the taste of each. The chicken was good too.

“Thanks for making me dinner.” I looked over at him while he sipped the beer in the bottle. I settled for water.

He shrugged, “I always do this for you,” his stare faltered and my throat tightened up. “Used to.” I looked down at my plate shamefully and ate even more slowly than before. Craig sighed and put his bottle down. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, Craig.” I dropped my fork, my voice cracking and my eyes glazed. “I’m sorry you lost your best friend, I’m so terribly sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I wish none of this ever happened! I wish that you and Andrea could’ve just been happy together living out your life and planning your wedding and just being together.” I covered my eyes, pressing my palms to make everything go away. I hated this. "I don't know whether to be mad about it or not, but I don't feel anything because I don't know what we've been through. You deserve to be happy.”

He didn’t say anything else and after a few minutes of silently crying, I wiped under my eyes and got up from the table to go into the bedroom. Maybe my name was Andrea, but I wasn’t the one he knew or wanted back. I can’t be her for him.

I didn’t go back out there and he didn’t come in or knock. My eyes throbbed as I lay on the bed and I fell asleep later than I wanted to.

Around one in the morning, I woke up to a noise coming from somewhere in the house. It’s my first night back home and I couldn’t even get a decent rest. I got up, stumbling a little to open the door and finding the hallway light. It switched on unexpectedly and I squinted before walking down the hall and trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.

I didn’t even know what it was until I came into the bright kitchen and found Craig laying his head on the counter and pouring whatever he was drinking into the little shot glass then banging his head on the granite counter top. He went on to drink another shot, but I stopped him.

“Craig, what are you doing?” I asked, holding his wrist tight. He lifted his head up and that was when I saw his bloodshot eyes and damp cheeks. My heart picked up a beat. He didn’t answer me so I tried again. “How long have you been drinking?” I let him go when he shrugged and took the bottle from him, putting it somewhere and flinching when he threw a glass. “Craig, stop it!” I ran to him as he was standing with another cup. “Stop it right now!”

“Who cares how long I’ve been drinking! It’s all I can do now that you’re gone!” He yelled in my face after I took the glass away from him. “Why did you have to go? Why couldn’t you have stayed home that night with me instead of running off!”

I creased my eyebrows up at him, but I couldn’t think about the reason behind him saying that now that he was crying again. “Sit on the couch with me, come on.” I put my arm behind his back and we sat in the living room on one of the couches. He put his face into his hands and I sat there, not knowing what to do with him.

“I fucked up, Andrea, I fucked up.” He muttered. There was no way I was going to take advantage of him and figure out what he meant by that or when he asked why I ran off. No way. He shuddered beside me and I finally found the courage to move closer to him and rub his back. He calmed down after a bit, still shaking, but eventually coming down to a sniffle minutes later. “I hate this.”

“I hate it too, Craig, believe me.” I sighed, taking my arm back and staring at my hands in my lap. He uncovered his face and looked back at me just in time for me to lift my head up. My eyes looked back and forth between his for a few minutes. It was a moment I’ll never forget. “How about a nice, warm bed?”

He sniffed and nodded. I smiled slightly and stood up to take his hands into mine. We turned off the kitchen light and walked down the hall to the second bedroom. He sat at the end of the mattress while I pulled back the covers and waited for him to get in. Because of his drunken stupor, I helped undress him. He took off his own pants and I helped with his shirt, folding it and setting it somewhere in the room. Craig got under the covers and I leaned down, touching his hair, and kissed his temple.

“Andrea,” he took my hand as I reached to turn the lamp off. “Please stay with me.” I stared at him and nodded, waiting for him to move over and pull the covers back to invite me in. Before I could turn the light off, we stared at each other and I was the first to move. It was a nice gesture and hopefully he wouldn’t remember it in the morning. I touched both of his cheeks and kissed him softly goodnight.

Craig was out when I woke up later in the morning. I slipped out from under the covers and closed the door quietly behind me to cross the hall and change into new clothes. I was really good at shopping for clothes. I went through a lot of skirts and dresses and ended up choosing a pair of shorts and a shirt that was a plain blue. A shower was greatly appreciated and I left my hair to dry on its own. I made a quick decision to leave my ring next to Craig in the bed. I felt terrible. I cleaned up the glass by the back door and hid the alcohol somewhere else so Craig wouldn’t find it anytime soon.

The sun greeted me once again when I walked outside and I decided on a short walk. It was only to get to know the neighborhood better. Plus, I needed something to do rather than sit at home and watch TV and wait for Craig to wake up with a hangover. Nothing around the neighborhood was familiar though. I thought something would be, but then again– I didn’t remember anyone or anything. Which is strange if you ask me because how can someone forget their identity and everything about their life, but still know how to do things? I already knew the answer from Dr. Carr, but just thinking about it made me confused.

When I got back to the house (good thing I didn’t get lost), Craig was in the kitchen, making a bowl of cereal. “Hey,” he greeted, now wearing clothes. I waved slightly and prepared myself some breakfast. “How much of last night did you see?”

I glanced at the side of his face. “Enough.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. I nodded, understanding and going back to eating. “Please don’t fight me on this because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I’m going to go out and look for somewhere else to live.” My head snapped in his direction and he stopped me from protesting. “I think we both know that we’re not going to work out and I need to accept that.”

“Craig, last night didn’t scare me if that’s what this is about–“

“It’s not. I just want you to have the best because you deserve it. This isn’t what I planned for myself, but I’m going to do it no matter what. This is what has to happen. I can’t keep hurting myself by thinking that I can fix you or bring back the Andrea I knew. I have to accept who you are now because it’s what Andrea, you, would’ve wanted.”

Fuck you, amnesia.