It's a Start

I was deathly afraid to wake up the next morning. Actually, I’d been up all night due to the restlessness because I didn’t take my pills. I was also up thinking my toes off. Craig was sleeping peacefully beside me. I felt good for making him happy, but I also felt bad for making him happy. What would he think when he woke up? Would he think that he could still try and change my mind about him? Would he try to make us work? I didn’t want to hurt him, but I knew I was going to when he woke up.

It was two in the morning when I finally got out of bed and pulled on my pajamas. Every light in the house was still on and I began to clean up the dishes that were still on the table. I wrapped up the rest of the pie and put the pasta in a small container since there wasn’t that much left. I’d probably have some for dinner later today. I washed my hands and pushed in the chairs under the dining table, turning off every light as I went back to bed. Craig was flipped over onto his back now, facing my side of the bed.

I watched his figure breathe, chest slowly moving up and down. Around five, my eyes drooped and I rested for a little while.

Craig woke me up with his movements and I watched him pull his pants on before walking into the bathroom, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. It was about a quarter to eleven and I sat up, deciding that I’d clean the house today– after taking a shower and washing the guilt off of me of course.

I got out of bed once again and strolled into the kitchen to at least make Craig some eggs. Nervousness bubbled in my stomach at what I’d have to say to him to make him let me go. I was just hoping he could let me go.

“Morning,” the amount of bliss in his voice made me grimace. This was going to be hard.

I mumbled a good morning and got back to making his breakfast. He waited at the counter, smiling at me as I handed him his plate. I turned around like I didn’t notice and sat beside him with my food.

“Craig…” I started but didn’t finish.

“Please tell me you’re going to say how great last night was.”

I squeezed my eyes shut so the water wouldn’t fall down my cheeks. “Craig, I can’t hurt you. I know I’m about to with what I have to say, but just know that this is the last thing I want to do.” I sighed, setting my fork down and facing him. “You deserve all of the happiness in the world, but I can’t be the one who’s going to give it to you. I understand what you’re going through is hard and that you’ve lost your best friend and I’m terribly sorry for that, but you have to let me go. We can’t see each other anymore because you’ll just hurt every time you see my face.” His features were changing, brewing with some emotion that I didn’t know. “Last night was great for you, but for me it was really shitty because it’s the worst thing I’ve done since being back. You didn’t deserve that and you don’t deserve to hear this. You don’t deserve me.”

He was shocked and hurt. Really hurt. “I can’t do that, Andrea. You’re all I’ve ever known!” He screamed, pushing his plate away, completely loosing his appetite. “I fucking love you for Christ’s sake! I can’t just pick up and leave and forget about my best friend! Are you kidding me?” He was standing from his chair, hollering down at me while I cowered and felt my throat close. “I can’t forget about this or us! I can’t and I won’t!” He grabbed his jacket and left with the slam of the door behind him.

I curled into a ball for a brief moment and cried. I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn’t know that it was going to hurt this much.

Mindy came over right when I texted her, hugging me tight when I opened the door and she saw my red eyes. I started to cry again, loosing it completely and following her toward the couch. She rubbed my back, kissing my head whenever it was needed and I was calm about fifteen minutes later. She asked what happened since I was in hysterics right when she stepped inside.

“He doesn’t realize that it’s hard on you since you’re the one who lost her fucking memory. Hun, you were right. It was wrong of you to sleep with him because you’re just leading him on. He’s just being stubborn and not taking the next step.” She advised which helped a lot. He was being stubborn about it, but this wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t his either. It seemed like he was blaming me for this whole mess.

I didn’t know what to do. Mindy helped and she stayed over for lunch, making me something since I was just…weak. I was flat out tired.

“Get some rest, youngling. I’ll talk to you later.” She hugged me tight before she left.

Even though a cleaning day didn’t really work out, I still had tomorrow.

I woke up in a little bit of a brighter mood and I got up, deciding to first clean the sheets covering my bed. I jumped in the shower, scrubbing at my skin and getting every inch of dirt off. A fresh set of blankets and a comforter were in the hall closet when I searched for them and I successfully covered the bed a few minutes later.

My day was spent cleaning the house, throwing out old food and heating up the pasta from last night. I was still in my pajamas and I was determined to stay inside all day.

I sat on the couch, warm container of pasta in my lap and the remote in my hand as I pressed play. I’d chosen a random movie from the stacks I had under the TV and popped one in. It was some drama, but I wasn’t really paying attention because of the on going thoughts in my head.

How could he just say that and not even try? Why couldn’t he try to forget about me and if it didn’t work out then he could’ve said that he couldn’t? Craig was really stubborn. He just jumped to conclusions and didn’t even–

No. You know what I shouldn’t even be thinking about this right now. If he wanted to be so persistent about it, then so be it. He wasn’t mine to worry about and I wasn’t his anymore. He’d have to figure that out sooner or later or he was going to seriously hurt himself over everything. Let’s hope it was sooner rather than later.

The movie ended and my empty container was on the coffee table now while I was lying on my back. I eventually got up to pick another movie and popped it in, swooping up the container and bringing it into the kitchen while the trailers for new movies played on my TV.

It was kind of nice being alone and it just took me now to figure that out when there was a break of silence as the next trailer came up to play. I felt at ease for the first time today.

My sleepy eyes came in around midnight and I cursed myself for not going to bed earlier since I had work, but then again I wouldn’t be going in until six or so. The TV and the lights turned off as I made my way down the hall with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I popped a pill and swallowed it with tap water from the bathroom sink before crawling into bed and almost moaning at the comfort of the mattress.

Before actually going to sleep, I felt around for my phone on the table beside me and squinted from the brightness. I unlocked it easily, finding two messages.

Hope you’re doing alright. Here if you need anything! Mindy was the best. I thanked her for that and sent a goodnight and see you tomorrow.

The last one was from someone that I hadn’t even thought about until now. Hey! Sorry, I’ve been busy lately, but I miss you, funny girl! I wanna hangout before I leave.

Leave? Where was he going? It was strange to hear from John after a long week and I wondered what he’d been up to. Was he actually busy or did he just tell me that so I’d believe it since it was over text? Maybe he thought I was too much to handle because of the whole “I lost my memory” thing. That was probably it.

Even though I thought that, I was still happy he wanted to see me. Or acted like he wanted to.

He probably thought I was too much since the last time he saw me I was crying. He just felt bad for me, right?

Alright, shut up and go to sleep so you actually feel good at work tomorrow.

I can’t!

At least I was energized in the morning. My phone was tucked tight in my hand as I walked into the kitchen, pajamas again because I didn’t feel like changing today, and I made myself a fruit smoothie with the blender.

The whole time I was thinking about what I’d say to John. He was probably expecting my text or call. Shit, which one do I do? I shook my head while holding down the top of the blender and wincing at the noise it made. Once it was mixed and cut up, I poured it into the tall glass and sat on the couch with a granola bar and the smoothie. Nothing was really on TV this morning so I settled for cartoons.

I found John’s name in my contacts and pressed his number with my thumb, holding the phone to my ear. Ten thirty’s not too early to call, is it? It wasn’t since he picked up after the second ring.

“Hey, you!” He said happily and I smiled.

“Hi. I got your text. Where you heading off to?”

“Warped Tour. You ever heard of it?” He asked curiously, shuffling through something on the other side.

I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling fan. “John, I just woke up from a coma a month ago.”

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “It’s a tour where plenty of bands play– it’s like a festival, really. It’s pretty fun.”

“Hmm,” I hummed. “You’re in a band?”

“Yup. Maybe you could come to the Arizona date and see us. That’d be cool, right?”

“Yeah, I’d love to.” I smiled down at my drink, playing with the edge of the glass. A sex-crazed rapist in a band, huh? You don’t hear that every day.

“So, what are you up to? How have you been?”

“Okay, I guess. Busy with school and work.” I jumped, quickly getting off the couch and running into my room to grab my computer. It’d be good to actually participate in school rather than talk about it. “How have you been?”

“Good, good. I don’t really miss laughing with you, but good.”

“Wow, thanks. I honestly thought I could take my jokes and make it into a career. Thanks for crushing my dreams, John.” He laughed on the other side, saying a “your welcome.”