Status: writing..
Stay
Septermber and October
18/9/2012
Alone.
I was all alone.
I knew this would happen from the first day at this new school. I knew no one would talk to me. I knew everybody would act like I didn't existed. That always happened. But that wasn't what upset me the most.
This time I tried. I really did. I tried really fucking hard to fit in with everybody else.
I changed my clothes. I put on a smile. I tried to be social.
People believed it for maybe a day or two and I had people hanging out with me but then it just didn't work anymore. I was all alone again. Why did it have to be so hard for just me to make friends? What was I doing wrong? Everytime I try to talk to people I can see that they were somewhere else.
Maybe I'm too ugly. Maybe I'm too quiet. Maybe I cared too much about what people thought about me. Maybe I tried to hard to befriend everyone.
Doesn't matter anymore. I didn't care. Now all I could do is sit in the corner, watch the other student and try to look busy. Not like they would look my way anyway.
I had gotten so used to eating alone by now. So used to sitting at an empty table by myself and just watching everyone. That's all I did. I just watched. Judged. Hated. I hated them for shutting me out. I hated me for letting them.
That wasn't the only thing that was aching and squeezing my heart though.
I always seemed to have a rough time at home.
My mother didn't love me.
My father was dead.
I was constantly compared to my siblings
and my stepfather thought that violence was the only way to teach me not to "talk to my mother that way". Funny how she could say what the fuck she wanted though. She could call me whatever she wanted to.
"Your father is glad he's dead so he wouldn't have to deal with you"
Those words still hurt me today but not because they came from my mother's mouth but because they were true.
--
20/9/2012
Today was the day that I started to cut myself again. I never thought I would feel so bad that I felt as if I needed to hurt myself again. The last time was two years ago. I don't remember much of what was actually wrong but I remember that they were days were I would wake up and just start to cry because of the fact that I had to live through another day. I remember walking up to the traintracks and asking myself if it was the time to die. I had thought about swinging my legs over and just jumping as soon as I heard the train getting closer but I was never brave enough. Then when the train had passed all I could think was "I could've been dead right now".
It was sort of starting to feel that way again. I think I'm starting to get bad again. But I deserve this. I deserve this pain. I deserve these cuts.
--
27/9/2012
I scream for help but there's no one fucking listening. I try to tell people that I'm hurting but the words just won't leave my lips. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way.
My teacher asked me if I was really happy and I just smiled and said "yes" but on the inside I just wanted to scream that I wasn't. I wasn't fucking happy. I need someone. I need someone right fucking now. I wish someone could just see right through my walls and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wish someone could see me.
--
8/10/2012
I sat by the traintracks today for over an hour and thought about how easy it would be to just dissappear. Would someone even notice if I did? My parents are too busy fighting and people at school just sees right through me. I have absolutely no one and I don't think anyone even understands how much that hurts. Mom just rubs it in my face and laughts at me.
--
9/10/2012
I think a miracle happened today.
I was walking to the corridor, headed to my class and all of a sudden a boy came up and hugged me. I completely froze and just stared at him. He pulled away, smiled at me and said "hello". All I could think was holy shit does he see me.
"Ehh hello?" I said back, unsure of what to do or say. All I knew was that I couldn't stop smiling.
I saw him a few times during that day and he smiled and waved and I waved back. What did this mean? Who was he? He had popped up out of nowhere I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that he was as old as me even though we didn't have any classes together. I had never seen him before but that's not really that strange since I there were a lot of people in this school that I hadn't seen before since I was still pretty new.
Yesterday I thought about killing myself and now all I wanted to do was to just be in school forever and get to know this boy.
I later found out that his name was Josh.
--
25/10/2012
Things were starting to slowly get better. I made a friend through Josh and his name was Matt. We hung out sometimes.
And then there was Josh.
He was lovely to say at least.
He would give me the best hugs. The longest hugs.
He was making me happy but something inside of me told him that he was sad, very sad and that made me quite upset.
--
Alone.
I was all alone.
I knew this would happen from the first day at this new school. I knew no one would talk to me. I knew everybody would act like I didn't existed. That always happened. But that wasn't what upset me the most.
This time I tried. I really did. I tried really fucking hard to fit in with everybody else.
I changed my clothes. I put on a smile. I tried to be social.
People believed it for maybe a day or two and I had people hanging out with me but then it just didn't work anymore. I was all alone again. Why did it have to be so hard for just me to make friends? What was I doing wrong? Everytime I try to talk to people I can see that they were somewhere else.
Maybe I'm too ugly. Maybe I'm too quiet. Maybe I cared too much about what people thought about me. Maybe I tried to hard to befriend everyone.
Doesn't matter anymore. I didn't care. Now all I could do is sit in the corner, watch the other student and try to look busy. Not like they would look my way anyway.
I had gotten so used to eating alone by now. So used to sitting at an empty table by myself and just watching everyone. That's all I did. I just watched. Judged. Hated. I hated them for shutting me out. I hated me for letting them.
That wasn't the only thing that was aching and squeezing my heart though.
I always seemed to have a rough time at home.
My mother didn't love me.
My father was dead.
I was constantly compared to my siblings
and my stepfather thought that violence was the only way to teach me not to "talk to my mother that way". Funny how she could say what the fuck she wanted though. She could call me whatever she wanted to.
"Your father is glad he's dead so he wouldn't have to deal with you"
Those words still hurt me today but not because they came from my mother's mouth but because they were true.
--
20/9/2012
Today was the day that I started to cut myself again. I never thought I would feel so bad that I felt as if I needed to hurt myself again. The last time was two years ago. I don't remember much of what was actually wrong but I remember that they were days were I would wake up and just start to cry because of the fact that I had to live through another day. I remember walking up to the traintracks and asking myself if it was the time to die. I had thought about swinging my legs over and just jumping as soon as I heard the train getting closer but I was never brave enough. Then when the train had passed all I could think was "I could've been dead right now".
It was sort of starting to feel that way again. I think I'm starting to get bad again. But I deserve this. I deserve this pain. I deserve these cuts.
--
27/9/2012
I scream for help but there's no one fucking listening. I try to tell people that I'm hurting but the words just won't leave my lips. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way.
My teacher asked me if I was really happy and I just smiled and said "yes" but on the inside I just wanted to scream that I wasn't. I wasn't fucking happy. I need someone. I need someone right fucking now. I wish someone could just see right through my walls and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wish someone could see me.
--
8/10/2012
I sat by the traintracks today for over an hour and thought about how easy it would be to just dissappear. Would someone even notice if I did? My parents are too busy fighting and people at school just sees right through me. I have absolutely no one and I don't think anyone even understands how much that hurts. Mom just rubs it in my face and laughts at me.
--
9/10/2012
I think a miracle happened today.
I was walking to the corridor, headed to my class and all of a sudden a boy came up and hugged me. I completely froze and just stared at him. He pulled away, smiled at me and said "hello". All I could think was holy shit does he see me.
"Ehh hello?" I said back, unsure of what to do or say. All I knew was that I couldn't stop smiling.
I saw him a few times during that day and he smiled and waved and I waved back. What did this mean? Who was he? He had popped up out of nowhere I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that he was as old as me even though we didn't have any classes together. I had never seen him before but that's not really that strange since I there were a lot of people in this school that I hadn't seen before since I was still pretty new.
Yesterday I thought about killing myself and now all I wanted to do was to just be in school forever and get to know this boy.
I later found out that his name was Josh.
--
25/10/2012
Things were starting to slowly get better. I made a friend through Josh and his name was Matt. We hung out sometimes.
And then there was Josh.
He was lovely to say at least.
He would give me the best hugs. The longest hugs.
He was making me happy but something inside of me told him that he was sad, very sad and that made me quite upset.
--