Status: writing..
Stay
The end
4/3/2014
It's been over a year.
A year has passed and I'm still here.
This may be a long jump in time but not really much happened.
I went back home after a couple of week and things became lonely again.
I don't want to die anymore though. I thought that maybe I could actually do something good with my life.
Nothing really good better at home though. The hits got harder and the words got harsher but it's much easier to deal with now.
But then there's Josh.
It's been over a year and I hadn't seen him.
All I seem to do is to check his tumblr daily to check up on him.
Nothing really seemed to get very much better for him though. His tumblr seemed really depressing and dark and he ofter wrote that he wanted to die.
That's when I reached out to him again.
I really needed him.
I really loved him. There I said it. I loved Josh. I'm just stupid enough to only have realised it this late. I just hope it isn't too late. I hope there's still a chance for me. I hope we can start over new.
"Are you okay?"
I wrote in his ask and hit send.
My stomach were turning nervously. Maybe he would be mad and tell me to fuck off, I mean it had been a year.
But I just needed him here. I needed him back.
There hadn't been a day when I hadn't thought about him. I miss what we had. It was something I will probably never have with anyone ever again.
That same night I got a responce and hope lit up in my chest. Maybe this would work after all. Maybe he would come back in my life.
He said he wasn't really sure about if he was or not and asked me if I was okay. I responded and said kind of the same thing.
He gave me his new number and we took it over to the phone instead.
Then later we decided to meet up the next day.
This was happening.
--
4/3/2014
We met the next day in the city and when he first ran up to me I barely even recognized him. He looked so different since he had cut his hair and grown a lot in lenght, making me feel short.
I ran up to him and we met halfway and threw our arms around each other.
His hugs. I've missed his hugs. They made me feel safe.
"Wow, you've grown a lot" I said when we pulled away and he just laughed.
We spent the day in his room. And since he moved I had to look around. What took me back was the fact that he had hung up paintings I've made for him in 2012 on the wall. I could barely believe it. He hadn't forgotten about me. Maybe I actually had a special place in his heart after all.
As the day passed I was more and more sure about that his was what I felt. I really did have feelings for him. I bet I always have had them since we first met but I just hid them away. I had Matt back then and that was what got in our way but I was ready to take a change now and by the way he was smiling at me and looking when he thought I didn't see I could tell that he was to.
I was nervous. I was going to take the step.
As he walked me to the bus that night we were holding hands and not really saying much but the silence was comfortable.
When the bus came I thought that this is it. This is when it happens. I let go off his hand and flung my arms around his neck. He hugged me back but when I was about to pull away I grabbed his face and pressed our lips together.
Then the worst thing that could've happened happened.
He froze and pushed me off of him, staring at me with wide eyes.
"Bye, I really like you" I said, not sure of what to do before rushing on the bus and falling into on of the seats.
Fuck fuck fuck.
What did this mean? Why did he push me off?
I texted him on the way home and appariently he just saw us as friends. How could he? How could he just lead me on like that and then leave me with nothing?
My heart was shatterring all over again and I tried to not let the other people on the bus hear that I was crying. I needed him. I just fucking needed him. I loved him so much this wasn't supposed to happen. he was supposed to say he loved me back. Am I really that impossible to love?
How could he hold my hand and then act like it meant nothing? How could he look at me that way and then pretend he hadn't? Why did he always fuck me over like this?
--
2/4/2014
Josh said he would text me but he never did. I texted him but he never responded. I guess this was it then. I had lost him again.
But did I really deserve this?
--
14/4/2014
Why the fuck did I keep letting him in? He just takes pieces of me and leaves. Now was probably not going to be any different.
He's back again.
He's sorry.
He wants me to come over.
How could I ever say no to him?
I was walking right into his trap but I couldn't help myself. There was something about him that had me drawn to him.
He was the only one who had ever understood me. It was only when I was with him that I could feel loved.
All I wanted was him and I just wanted him to want me in the same way.
Why the fuck didn't I take the chance with him back when I had it? Maybe then we would still have been together today and not go around in circles like this.
I knocked on his door and he opened up with a smiled upon his face. Like nothing had happened. Like I didn't kiss him.
I just faked a smile back and stepped inside.
We watched a movie. He held my hand.
I was starting to feel alive again.
It was like he was all I needed to leave. I could feel myself slowly starting to die when I was without him. I felt like a battery. Only he could make me feel this alive again. I never wanted him to let go off my hand. I never wanted to stop hearing his voice.
He walked me to the bus again. I thought that maybe he was giving it a shot. Maybe he thought it through and he now wanted me. Maybe he realised that he still had his feelings for me.
When the bus came he hugged me. One of his hugs. Please kiss me.
He didn't though.
I said that we needed to meet again sometime and he nodded and smiled and I actually felt like it was going to happen.
Maybe this could work.
He waved, still smiling when I stepped onto the bus.
I loved him.
--
10/6/2014
I love him
I love him
I love him
I love him
I need him.
I called him. I texted. He blocked my number.
I never heard from him. I have no idea about what went wrong.
All I know is that I'm laying here tonight, not being able to sleep.
I'm staring at the ceiling and all I can really feel is the coldness of the empty side of my bed. All I could think about was what I felt when he was laying next to me. When he had his arm around me. When he told me I was important. When he said he wanted me alive.
All I could feel was his arms around me.
And it fucking hurt.
Everything fucking hurt.
He was not coming back this time.
I was sure of it. This was the end of us.
I couldn't breathe. I kept tossing and turning but I just couldn't seem to fall asleep.
Please if you ever feel yourself starting to love someone walk away.
Please.
It's been over a year.
A year has passed and I'm still here.
This may be a long jump in time but not really much happened.
I went back home after a couple of week and things became lonely again.
I don't want to die anymore though. I thought that maybe I could actually do something good with my life.
Nothing really good better at home though. The hits got harder and the words got harsher but it's much easier to deal with now.
But then there's Josh.
It's been over a year and I hadn't seen him.
All I seem to do is to check his tumblr daily to check up on him.
Nothing really seemed to get very much better for him though. His tumblr seemed really depressing and dark and he ofter wrote that he wanted to die.
That's when I reached out to him again.
I really needed him.
I really loved him. There I said it. I loved Josh. I'm just stupid enough to only have realised it this late. I just hope it isn't too late. I hope there's still a chance for me. I hope we can start over new.
"Are you okay?"
I wrote in his ask and hit send.
My stomach were turning nervously. Maybe he would be mad and tell me to fuck off, I mean it had been a year.
But I just needed him here. I needed him back.
There hadn't been a day when I hadn't thought about him. I miss what we had. It was something I will probably never have with anyone ever again.
That same night I got a responce and hope lit up in my chest. Maybe this would work after all. Maybe he would come back in my life.
He said he wasn't really sure about if he was or not and asked me if I was okay. I responded and said kind of the same thing.
He gave me his new number and we took it over to the phone instead.
Then later we decided to meet up the next day.
This was happening.
--
4/3/2014
We met the next day in the city and when he first ran up to me I barely even recognized him. He looked so different since he had cut his hair and grown a lot in lenght, making me feel short.
I ran up to him and we met halfway and threw our arms around each other.
His hugs. I've missed his hugs. They made me feel safe.
"Wow, you've grown a lot" I said when we pulled away and he just laughed.
We spent the day in his room. And since he moved I had to look around. What took me back was the fact that he had hung up paintings I've made for him in 2012 on the wall. I could barely believe it. He hadn't forgotten about me. Maybe I actually had a special place in his heart after all.
As the day passed I was more and more sure about that his was what I felt. I really did have feelings for him. I bet I always have had them since we first met but I just hid them away. I had Matt back then and that was what got in our way but I was ready to take a change now and by the way he was smiling at me and looking when he thought I didn't see I could tell that he was to.
I was nervous. I was going to take the step.
As he walked me to the bus that night we were holding hands and not really saying much but the silence was comfortable.
When the bus came I thought that this is it. This is when it happens. I let go off his hand and flung my arms around his neck. He hugged me back but when I was about to pull away I grabbed his face and pressed our lips together.
Then the worst thing that could've happened happened.
He froze and pushed me off of him, staring at me with wide eyes.
"Bye, I really like you" I said, not sure of what to do before rushing on the bus and falling into on of the seats.
Fuck fuck fuck.
What did this mean? Why did he push me off?
I texted him on the way home and appariently he just saw us as friends. How could he? How could he just lead me on like that and then leave me with nothing?
My heart was shatterring all over again and I tried to not let the other people on the bus hear that I was crying. I needed him. I just fucking needed him. I loved him so much this wasn't supposed to happen. he was supposed to say he loved me back. Am I really that impossible to love?
How could he hold my hand and then act like it meant nothing? How could he look at me that way and then pretend he hadn't? Why did he always fuck me over like this?
--
2/4/2014
Josh said he would text me but he never did. I texted him but he never responded. I guess this was it then. I had lost him again.
But did I really deserve this?
--
14/4/2014
Why the fuck did I keep letting him in? He just takes pieces of me and leaves. Now was probably not going to be any different.
He's back again.
He's sorry.
He wants me to come over.
How could I ever say no to him?
I was walking right into his trap but I couldn't help myself. There was something about him that had me drawn to him.
He was the only one who had ever understood me. It was only when I was with him that I could feel loved.
All I wanted was him and I just wanted him to want me in the same way.
Why the fuck didn't I take the chance with him back when I had it? Maybe then we would still have been together today and not go around in circles like this.
I knocked on his door and he opened up with a smiled upon his face. Like nothing had happened. Like I didn't kiss him.
I just faked a smile back and stepped inside.
We watched a movie. He held my hand.
I was starting to feel alive again.
It was like he was all I needed to leave. I could feel myself slowly starting to die when I was without him. I felt like a battery. Only he could make me feel this alive again. I never wanted him to let go off my hand. I never wanted to stop hearing his voice.
He walked me to the bus again. I thought that maybe he was giving it a shot. Maybe he thought it through and he now wanted me. Maybe he realised that he still had his feelings for me.
When the bus came he hugged me. One of his hugs. Please kiss me.
He didn't though.
I said that we needed to meet again sometime and he nodded and smiled and I actually felt like it was going to happen.
Maybe this could work.
He waved, still smiling when I stepped onto the bus.
I loved him.
--
10/6/2014
I love him
I love him
I love him
I love him
I need him.
I called him. I texted. He blocked my number.
I never heard from him. I have no idea about what went wrong.
All I know is that I'm laying here tonight, not being able to sleep.
I'm staring at the ceiling and all I can really feel is the coldness of the empty side of my bed. All I could think about was what I felt when he was laying next to me. When he had his arm around me. When he told me I was important. When he said he wanted me alive.
All I could feel was his arms around me.
And it fucking hurt.
Everything fucking hurt.
He was not coming back this time.
I was sure of it. This was the end of us.
I couldn't breathe. I kept tossing and turning but I just couldn't seem to fall asleep.
Please if you ever feel yourself starting to love someone walk away.
Please.
♠ ♠ ♠
so I know that this was really shitty written and stuff and the storyline isn't good but I wrote it in like an hour 'cause I just felt as if I was going to explode if I didn't just throw everything out of me.So eh no this was not fanfiction
This is what's going on in my life right now and it's the reason for my slow updates on Stay With Me and Say You'll Never Change
I know that I threw in a shit lots of personal stuff in there but it's whatever since no one knows who I am on here anyway
I just needed to tell someone sorry
and as you all probably can imagine I've been listening to a lot of mayday parade