The Sun Shines Brighter in the West
Speak
The next morning, or rather early afternoon, I woke up a little later than I had intended. I looked at my alarm clock that I had forgot to set and scrambled out of bed. I had nearly slept through my appointment with Dr. Settler. I slipped a comfortable outfit on and ran down the stairs and into the kitchen to get a bite to eat beforehand. While munching on a bagel I noticed that my mother staring at me as she stirred her coffee. I arched an eyebrow as if to ask why she still held her gaze on me. She looked down at her coffee and sighed.
“Chandler…”
“Mom.”
She looked back up at me with a serious look. “Where were you early this morning?” she asked.
“I was having coffee with the doctor,” I told her. “I had an attack and needed to talk to somebody."
Before my mother could look offended and try to guilt me into talking with her about it, I shot up out of my chair, hugged her goodbye, and ran out the door. My mother was obviously very hurt by the knowledge that I had been raped. Which was understandable. Her baby had been violated and there was nothing she could do about it. But it hurt her even more that I would never talk to her explicitly about it. And probably what hurt her the most was the fact that I would talk about it to Dr. Settler whom was practically a stranger.
But there was nothing I could do to stop my mother from hurting. I couldn’t just talk to her about it. She knew that. She doesn’t seem to always understand it, though. In the beginning she would just stare at me and talk about reality television shows to get my mind off of it. I thought she was trying to forget all about it, but it turned out she was trying to get me to forget about it. Now that it’s been two years, she seems to think that I should just be talking about it like I heard it on the news.
Finally, I had reached Dr. Settler’s office. I checked in with the secretary and sat in an uncomfortable, wooden chair until it was time for me to go in. A few minutes later he walked out of his office with a young man probably in high school. He said something to him that I wasn’t able to hear and patted him on the back as the boy left. All the while, he had the warmest smile spread across his face. I’m not sure if they teach those sort of moves at shrink school, but let me tell you, it definitely works. It’s so much easier to open up to somebody who looks like they’ve been through the exact same thing as you.
He looked over at me and nodded for me to come in. I followed him through the doorway and sat down in the most comfortable leather chair known to man. I rested my head against the back of the chair and closed my eyes, nervous about today’s session. Dr. Settler sat down with his trust pen and notepad and took a moment to get comfortable.
“All right, Chandler,” he finally said, “Let’s start where we left off last night.” I just looked at him, not sure what to say. After a few moments of an awkward staring contest he finally added, “Tell me more in detail about your experience.”
“I was raped,” I shrugged. “Now I suffer through anxiety…What more do you need to know?”
He set his pen and paper on the table next him and leaned forward with his elbow on his knees. He played with his hands for a few seconds before looking up at me. “I know this is very hard for you. I know it was more than just rape. It’s such a simple word, but there’s so much more to it than that. Emotions, thoughts, questions. Tell me about how you were feeling in that moment. Tell me how you got into that situation.”
I sat silent for a moment, thinking. I remember vividly all the details, but what is fuzzy to me is exactly where it all started. Did it start when I first talked to him? With something I said? Did it start with what I was wearing? I wasn’t sure. I knew when it ended, though. I knew exactly when it ended because afterwards I was so relieved for it to be over. I was so relieved to have him off of me.
“Chandler?” he pressed after a long period of silence.
I ran my hand through my hair out of a nervous habit and then began my story, “I don’t really know where it started. I can’t pinpoint it,” I repeated my first thoughts. “Maybe it started at the party I went to. I don’t know. Anyway, my best friend and I attended this huge party right after finals of senior year. It was just two days before graduation, so everyone was really excited. We were both eighteen, our parents had lifted our curfew, and we were ready to have some fun. We mingled at the party with several acquaintances, rated guys based on their looks, and drank a little bit.
“At one point we were chatting it up with this guy who was really sweet. He was manning the grill, making everyone hamburgers and hotdogs. He was telling us about himself. He might’ve been flirting. I don’t know. Then, out of nowhere, this guy bumped into me with enough force to knock me into the pool. I was livid. The same guy that pushed me in, accident or not, offered me a towel. I gladly took the towel, but I glared at him the entire time I was drying off. While I was drying off, he asked me for my name but I just stood there and didn’t respond. He finally offered me his name. Harley. He was the brother of the girl who was hosting the party. So, he was older than all of us. Already in college.
“Anyway, he took me to his sister’s room to change because he said his sister and I were about the same size. I sat on the bed while he got out a shirt and a pair of shorts. He handed them to me and sat next to me on the bed and asked for my name again. I told him my name and asked him to leave, but he refused to. Instead, he just turned around and acted like he wouldn’t peak. But he did. After I took my wet clothes off and began putting on the shirt he had turned around. I guess he liked what he saw…or maybe he just wanted to punish me for being rude to him earlier…”
“No, Chandler,” Dr. Settler told me softly, “Don’t say that. It wasn’t a justified punishment. He’s just a sick man. A predator.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what to think. I just nodded. “Tell me more about how you were feeling,” he suggested.
“Well,” I sighed, “At first, I was just confused. I thought maybe he was…joking. I hoped he was joking. Then he put all his weight on me. He started taking off the shirt and my underwear. As he was doing it, he was holding me down. I fought back. I really tried, but he was so strong. I was so scared that I could hardly think. I felt so embarrassed. Guilty. Ashamed. During the whole thing, I just focused on the lime green walls and stars on the ceiling. Once it was over, all I could do was cry…I kept replaying it in my mind trying to figure out where I went wrong,” I put my hands up to my face and tried to fight back the sting of fresh tears. I couldn’t sit here and cry in front of Dr. Settler. That’s all I ever did and I wanted to get better now.
I wanted to get Harley’s face out of my mind. I wanted to stop picturing his face on every guy I saw. I wanted to get rid of the nightmares. I wanted to stop playing it in my mind.
Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Over and over again.
I shot up from my chair and stormed to the door. I was ready to get better, but I needed time to recover. I had just shared information with someone that I had only thought of. It was information that not even my very best friend knew.
Dr. Settler ran to the door and stopped me. “Chandler,” he nearly shouted, “You are making so much progress. You should be so proud of yourself. Your hour isn’t up.”
“Do you know how hard that was to share that with you? I want to get better, but I need to take baby steps. It hurts too much! I’ll see you next time,” I fired back.
He pleaded me to stay for just a couple more minutes. I nodded and he started jotting something down on a piece of paper and held it up, “This is a prescription for medication to help with your anxiety. I really didn’t want to have to give you medication because I think you’re strong enough to get through this, but it will help you through the process.” I reached for the slip of paper, but he pulled it back from and added, “But you have to promise me that you’ll keep talking and keep making progress. You can’t rely on this medication for the rest of your life.”
I nodded in agreement. He handed me the prescription and I headed home after stopping at the pharmacy.
“Chandler…”
“Mom.”
She looked back up at me with a serious look. “Where were you early this morning?” she asked.
“I was having coffee with the doctor,” I told her. “I had an attack and needed to talk to somebody."
Before my mother could look offended and try to guilt me into talking with her about it, I shot up out of my chair, hugged her goodbye, and ran out the door. My mother was obviously very hurt by the knowledge that I had been raped. Which was understandable. Her baby had been violated and there was nothing she could do about it. But it hurt her even more that I would never talk to her explicitly about it. And probably what hurt her the most was the fact that I would talk about it to Dr. Settler whom was practically a stranger.
But there was nothing I could do to stop my mother from hurting. I couldn’t just talk to her about it. She knew that. She doesn’t seem to always understand it, though. In the beginning she would just stare at me and talk about reality television shows to get my mind off of it. I thought she was trying to forget all about it, but it turned out she was trying to get me to forget about it. Now that it’s been two years, she seems to think that I should just be talking about it like I heard it on the news.
Finally, I had reached Dr. Settler’s office. I checked in with the secretary and sat in an uncomfortable, wooden chair until it was time for me to go in. A few minutes later he walked out of his office with a young man probably in high school. He said something to him that I wasn’t able to hear and patted him on the back as the boy left. All the while, he had the warmest smile spread across his face. I’m not sure if they teach those sort of moves at shrink school, but let me tell you, it definitely works. It’s so much easier to open up to somebody who looks like they’ve been through the exact same thing as you.
He looked over at me and nodded for me to come in. I followed him through the doorway and sat down in the most comfortable leather chair known to man. I rested my head against the back of the chair and closed my eyes, nervous about today’s session. Dr. Settler sat down with his trust pen and notepad and took a moment to get comfortable.
“All right, Chandler,” he finally said, “Let’s start where we left off last night.” I just looked at him, not sure what to say. After a few moments of an awkward staring contest he finally added, “Tell me more in detail about your experience.”
“I was raped,” I shrugged. “Now I suffer through anxiety…What more do you need to know?”
He set his pen and paper on the table next him and leaned forward with his elbow on his knees. He played with his hands for a few seconds before looking up at me. “I know this is very hard for you. I know it was more than just rape. It’s such a simple word, but there’s so much more to it than that. Emotions, thoughts, questions. Tell me about how you were feeling in that moment. Tell me how you got into that situation.”
I sat silent for a moment, thinking. I remember vividly all the details, but what is fuzzy to me is exactly where it all started. Did it start when I first talked to him? With something I said? Did it start with what I was wearing? I wasn’t sure. I knew when it ended, though. I knew exactly when it ended because afterwards I was so relieved for it to be over. I was so relieved to have him off of me.
“Chandler?” he pressed after a long period of silence.
I ran my hand through my hair out of a nervous habit and then began my story, “I don’t really know where it started. I can’t pinpoint it,” I repeated my first thoughts. “Maybe it started at the party I went to. I don’t know. Anyway, my best friend and I attended this huge party right after finals of senior year. It was just two days before graduation, so everyone was really excited. We were both eighteen, our parents had lifted our curfew, and we were ready to have some fun. We mingled at the party with several acquaintances, rated guys based on their looks, and drank a little bit.
“At one point we were chatting it up with this guy who was really sweet. He was manning the grill, making everyone hamburgers and hotdogs. He was telling us about himself. He might’ve been flirting. I don’t know. Then, out of nowhere, this guy bumped into me with enough force to knock me into the pool. I was livid. The same guy that pushed me in, accident or not, offered me a towel. I gladly took the towel, but I glared at him the entire time I was drying off. While I was drying off, he asked me for my name but I just stood there and didn’t respond. He finally offered me his name. Harley. He was the brother of the girl who was hosting the party. So, he was older than all of us. Already in college.
“Anyway, he took me to his sister’s room to change because he said his sister and I were about the same size. I sat on the bed while he got out a shirt and a pair of shorts. He handed them to me and sat next to me on the bed and asked for my name again. I told him my name and asked him to leave, but he refused to. Instead, he just turned around and acted like he wouldn’t peak. But he did. After I took my wet clothes off and began putting on the shirt he had turned around. I guess he liked what he saw…or maybe he just wanted to punish me for being rude to him earlier…”
“No, Chandler,” Dr. Settler told me softly, “Don’t say that. It wasn’t a justified punishment. He’s just a sick man. A predator.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what to think. I just nodded. “Tell me more about how you were feeling,” he suggested.
“Well,” I sighed, “At first, I was just confused. I thought maybe he was…joking. I hoped he was joking. Then he put all his weight on me. He started taking off the shirt and my underwear. As he was doing it, he was holding me down. I fought back. I really tried, but he was so strong. I was so scared that I could hardly think. I felt so embarrassed. Guilty. Ashamed. During the whole thing, I just focused on the lime green walls and stars on the ceiling. Once it was over, all I could do was cry…I kept replaying it in my mind trying to figure out where I went wrong,” I put my hands up to my face and tried to fight back the sting of fresh tears. I couldn’t sit here and cry in front of Dr. Settler. That’s all I ever did and I wanted to get better now.
I wanted to get Harley’s face out of my mind. I wanted to stop picturing his face on every guy I saw. I wanted to get rid of the nightmares. I wanted to stop playing it in my mind.
Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Over and over again.
I shot up from my chair and stormed to the door. I was ready to get better, but I needed time to recover. I had just shared information with someone that I had only thought of. It was information that not even my very best friend knew.
Dr. Settler ran to the door and stopped me. “Chandler,” he nearly shouted, “You are making so much progress. You should be so proud of yourself. Your hour isn’t up.”
“Do you know how hard that was to share that with you? I want to get better, but I need to take baby steps. It hurts too much! I’ll see you next time,” I fired back.
He pleaded me to stay for just a couple more minutes. I nodded and he started jotting something down on a piece of paper and held it up, “This is a prescription for medication to help with your anxiety. I really didn’t want to have to give you medication because I think you’re strong enough to get through this, but it will help you through the process.” I reached for the slip of paper, but he pulled it back from and added, “But you have to promise me that you’ll keep talking and keep making progress. You can’t rely on this medication for the rest of your life.”
I nodded in agreement. He handed me the prescription and I headed home after stopping at the pharmacy.