Here We Go Again

The day before school started up again, which was also two days after I got all my things from the dorm room, I got a knock on my door. I wasn't expecting anyone except for Chris, but that wasn't for another few hours. So figuring that he just came early, I opened the door without looking through the peephole. And I really should have looked through the peephole, because Will was the one standing on my doorstep, not Chris.

"Will!" I said in surprise. "What are you doing here?" I asked as I subconsciously dug my fingernails into the door frame.

"I, um," he started nervously. "I heard you were back in town," he said.

"Uh, yeah, I am. Where'd you hear that from?" I asked. He sent me a small smile.

"Chris," he answered simply.

"Right, Chris," I said in understanding.

That little fucker couldn't keep his mouth shut.

I thought to myself.

"Well, would you like to come in?" I offered politely.

"Um, sure. If you don't mind." I opened the door wider for him to enter. He walked inside before he took a quick look around. "Nice place," he commented.

"Thanks," I replied. "Please, have a seat." He sat down on the couch in the living room before he spoke up.

"So you're going to be living here for the school year?" I nodded at him. "I noticed that you already got all your things from the room."

"Yeah, I did."

"Why didn't you tell me you stopped by?" he asked me.

"I didn't think it was necessary," I replied with a shrug as I sat across from him on the ottoman that matched the couch.

"Why wouldn't you think it was necessary to tell me?" he asked and I shrugged again. It was quiet for few seconds before he spoke up again. "I hope you know that I still love you," he said.

"Oh, yeah? Great way to show it," I replied sarcastically as I turned to him. I had no idea where this bitterness came from suddenly, but there it was.

"What?" he asked in shock.

"Nothing," I said quickly as I turned away from him. From my peripheral vision, I noticed his jaw tighten.

"You're mad at me," he stated, not questioned. I gave him a look as if to say 'no duh'. "That's understandable. I know that. But I'm serious, Nicole. I really do still love you," he continued to say. I scoffed at him.

"Is this how you show your love to someone? By hurting them? By bringing them pain? You really have no idea how to love someone, do you?" I asked as I looked at him. He had a shocked expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and didn't try to say anything more. "I think you should leave now, Will," I said. He didn't say anything and just stood up and made his way to the door. As he walked out the door and turned to look at me, it looked as if he was still trying to find something to say to me. I didn't give him the chance though and shut the door on his face.

I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. Seeing Will so suddenly made me realize how much he actually hurt me. He had broken up with me so suddenly. If it all happened gradually, then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, but it didn't happen like that. It was so quick and happened so fast. And then now he had just told me that he still loved me. Yet he broke up with me. Where the fuck was the logic in that? I loved him and he broke my heart. What was I supposed to do now?

As I opened my eyes and stared at my apartment, my mind wandered over to razor blades. About how one swipe always cleared my mind and eased my pain. About how I gave up doing that for him. Because... because I thought he was the one person to clear my mind and ease my pain.

I pushed myself off the door and walked towards my bathroom in my room. I looked through my drawers and I found something sharp enough to substitute as a razor blade. It was an old, broken bobby pin that was a bit rusty and sharp enough to break skin. I took off my wristband and hesitantly brought it to my wrist. Before I even let the sharp end touch my skin, I abruptly dropped it into the sink.

"W-what am I doing?" I muttered to myself. I shook my head side to side and left my bathroom after I put back on my wristband. I looked around my room as I ran my hands through my hair. "I need fresh air..." I muttered to myself as I wiped at my eyes.





Nicole was right. I really didn't know how to love someone. Was this how you treated someone you loved?

I sighed as I turned away from her door. I walked down the short flight of stairs and got into my car before I drove off.





I didn't even notice how long I was out until I got a call on my cellphone.

"Hello?" I answered halfheartedly.

"Hey, where are you? You're not answering your door," Chris said from the other line.

"Oh," I started as I looked around at where I was. "I went out for a bit of fresh air."

"O-kay, where'd you go?" he asked. I took another glance around me and realized I had no idea where I was at. I just kept walking without looking where I was going.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Seriously? What street signs are around you?"

"Uh," I started before I eventually found a street sign and told him.

"Blimey, did you walk all the way over there?"

"Uh, yeah," I replied in confusion. "Why? How far is that from my apartment?"

"You're almost an hour away by car."

"Oh. Huh."

"Anyway, I'm on my way to pick you up. Don't move."

"Okay," I replied before we both said bye and hung up. I waited about fifty minutes, give or take, before Chris arrived in his car. When I was I buckled safely in his car, I turned to him and punched him in the arm.

"Ow!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, come on. That didn't hurt you."

"Yeah, well, it startled me. What was that for?"

"That's for telling Will I was in town," I said as I faced forward and crossed my arms over my chest.

"What? Oh right," Chris said. "I'm sorry, but he cornered me," he tried to defend himself.

"He cornered you?" I asked with a scoff. "Did you also have to tell him where I lived?"

"What? I didn't tell him that. I only told him you were back in town. He figured out everything else on his own." I scoffed again before I realized that this was Will were talking about. He was really determined if he wanted to be. Plus, if Chris had connections with people, I shouldn't have been surprised if Will had some too. "Wait, did he come to see you?" Chris asked and I nodded at him. "I'm sorry, but I didn't know about that. Honestly, Nicole, you got to believe me."

"Okay, fine," I muttered. "Just please take me home."



After Chris dropped me off at my apartment, I told him that as much as I didn't want to have to tell him to leave, I just wasn't in the mood to be around other people right now. He asked if I was sure and I said I was tired, so I would just take a nap. He left soon after he dropped me off and I crawled into my bed and fell asleep.



"Nicole... I love you so much..." Will murmured to me as our bodies rocked in sync with each other.

"Will..." I gasped out. I sighed as his lips trailed down to my collarbone. And then lower...

I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked around and found I was alone in my room in my apartment. My forehead was matted with sweat. I couldn't believe I had a dream about that. The one time I didn't have a nightmare, I dreamt that instead. I had tried to forget about that. I cringed though as the memory ran through my head. I felt a pang at my chest. I suddenly felt dirty, unclean. I felt... used.

I ripped my blanket off me and got out of my bed. I walked into my bathroom and turned on the light. I ignored my reflection in the mirror and walked straight to the shower. I turned it on to full blast of hot water before I peeled my pajamas off and hopped into the shower. The steaming hot water burned at my skin and I liked it. It made me feel a bit better. The feeling of dirtiness though still felt like it clung to my skin. It still lingered. I grabbed my loofah and scrubbed at my already red, burning skin. No matter how much soap and hot water I used, I still felt unclean. It seemed like nothing would make me feel better.

Before I knew it, I was crouched on the shower floor and was crying my eyes out. I wrapped my arms around my wet body. All the hot water seemed to be gone now; only ice cold water washed over me. My skin felt burned and iced at the same time. As each second passed, more tears came that I couldn't stop even if I tried.