Here We Go Again

When I awoke, I found myself in the infirmary. I glanced over at the clock on the wall and the school day was already over. I let out a sigh and looked up at the white ceiling. For a second, I was confused as to why I was here. Then all too quickly, everything came rushing back to me. I felt my chest twist in a painful way as I remembered what I saw.

"You're awake," I heard a voice say. I looked up and found the reason for my pain standing at the foot of my bed.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I sat up in the bed.

"I heard you passed out," Will said as he sat in the chair next to the bed.

"Yeah, and? What's it to you?"

"I was just worried and I wanted to check up on you."

"Why? It's not like we're dating anymore."

"Just because we're not dating anymore, it doesn't mean I can't be worried about you. I still care about you. You're still my friend."

"Friend?" I scoffed. "If this is even what you call being friends."

"Hey, I'm trying here," Will said.

"Oh yeah? Just like how you're trying with Annabella again?" I snapped at him. I didn't want to say anything about it, but it just came out. I saw a look of surprise come over his face.

"You found out?"

"Of course I found out, you fucking asshole. You thought I wouldn't?"

"It's just," he started as he tried to find the right words. "I didn't think you'd find out so soon."

"Why would it matter when I found out? I was gonna find out sooner or later," I said as I pushed the blanket away from me and stood up from the bed. "You could have at least had the common decency though to tell me yourself instead of me having to find out from other people. Do you have any idea what that felt like?" I asked as I looked down at him. He slowly shook his head. "Everyone knew, but me. Everyone was talking behind my back about it and I didn't find out until Chris eventually told me. I was made a laughing stock because of you. Friends don't do that to each other. Friends don't withhold information that may pertain to the other. And friends definitely don't hurt each other. So Will," I said as I leaned down and rested my arms on the armrests of the chair he was sitting in. "You know what that means?" I asked as I leaned in close to his face.

"What?" he asked with a gulp.

"It means, we're not really friends then. So leave me the fuck alone," I said as I leaned all the way back and shoved at his shoulders as hard as I could. He flew back, knocking himself and the chair onto the ground.

I grabbed my bag that was on floor near the end of the bed and my jacket before I left the infirmary. I could faintly hear Will grunt in pain and curse under his breath before he picked himself off the floor. It was the least I could do him to make him feel just a fraction of the pain I was feeling right now.

I made my way out to the school gates, planning to make my way home to my apartment. Right when I crossed the street, a horn honked and a car pulled up next to me. I thought it was Will, so with an annoyed sigh, I turned around. I was glad though to find it wasn't Will and instead was Chris.

"What are doing walking home today? Get in. I'll give you a lift," Chris said through his open window. I nodded at him and got into the passenger seat. When I put on my seatbelt, he started driving towards my place. "Sorry I wasn't there when you woke up. I went to see Hayley and tell her I was going to take you home real quick, and then I went to grab my car. Then I noticed you already started walking."

"It's okay," I muttered. "Will was there for me when I woke up," I said with an annoyed grunt.

"He what?" Chris asked in shock.

"Yeah, he came to see me."

"How are you feeling?"

"Pissed. And hurt," I replied.

"What happened?"

"He said we were friends. Can you believe that fucker? That's such bullshit. So I pushed him while he sitting down on a chair and knocked him to the ground."

"He deserved it," he stated.

"He did," I agreed with a nod.

In a few more minutes, Chris arrived at my place. He offered to walk me up, but I told him that it was fine. He insisted a few more times, but I said it was okay, so he eventually let it go. I gave him a hug and thanked him for everything he did for me today before I got out of the car and made my way up the short flight of stairs to my apartment. He didn't drive away until I was safely inside of my apartment.

I sighed as I looked around. I glanced at the time on the microwave and realized that I had missed my appointment with Dr. Matthews. Time difference was such a bitch when having a therapist back in California. I walked into my room and grabbed my laptop to email Dr. Matthews.

I sent her a quick email telling her how I missed my appointment, but that I wouldn't miss our next one. After sending that, I walked to my closet and changed into pajamas. I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight.

When I got back on my laptop after changing, I noticed that she had emailed me back. That was quick considering it was almost midnight in California right now. I opened the email and it said that it was fine and we could still have our session now. And if that was alright with me, I should just go on Skype and we would have our session. That was completely fine with me so I logged onto my Skype account without emailing her back. She would have seen me log on anyway. Shortly after I logged on, Dr. Matthews started a video chat with me.

"Hello, Dr. Matthews, can you hear me?" I asked her.

"Yes, loud and clear. How about me?" she asked.

"Yeah, sounds good. How about the picture?" I asked.

"It's a tad blurry, but that's fine."

"Sorry, I don't have my own internet yet, so I'm borrowing from someone else, so it's a bit slow," I said with a laugh. Dr. Matthews let out a small laugh before she replied.

"It's alright. Anyway, let's get started, shall we?" She opened a black folder and I nodded at her before she asked me how my first day of school was. I grunted before I told her I passed out. "You what?" she asked.

"I passed out," I repeated.

"What happened?"

"I kind of had a panic attack and then passed out," I said shyly.

"Why'd you have a panic attack?" she asked me. I then proceeded to explain to her what I saw Will do. "Ah, I see," Dr. Matthews said as she wrote something down. "Are you sure it was a panic attack? Can you describe it to me?"

"It felt like I was suffocating and it got really hot. And I couldn't breathe and everything felt like it was getting smaller and smaller."

"Yeah, that sounds like a panic attack alright. Nicole, so tell me about Will. What is he to you?" she asked. And just then did I realize I never mentioned Will before until now.

"He was my boyfriend," I said reluctantly.

"Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, was."

"What happened?" she asked. I breathed in deeply before I replied.

"We broke up shortly before school. Before I started therapy."

"Ah, I see. Did you go into therapy for him?"

"No, I went into it for me. My breakup with Will just finally pushed me to do it," I explained. I watched as Dr. Matthews wrote down in her folder.

"I see," she said. "Why did you guys break up?" I scoffed to myself.

"Because Will is an asshole," I replied.

"You're angry at him."

"Of course I am. He broke my heart. He told me he loved me and then broke up with me to get back together with his ex-girlfriend."

"This ex-girlfriend, you mentioned her earlier when you told me what Will did that caused you to have a panic attack. Her name was Annabella, am I correct?" I nodded at her. "Are you angry with her as well?" I never really thought about it until she asked me. And as I thought more about it, I realized wasn't.

"No," I replied slowly in slight confusion.

"No? Why not? I mean, from what I hear, Will broke up with you to be with her. Aren't you angry at her about that?"

"No, because I'm in the same position she was in before."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Will and Annabella broke up so he could be with me," I explained. And as I finished saying that, I realized that Annabella and I were more similar that I thought.

Dr. Matthews hummed as she wrote down in her folder again. I was starting to wonder what she was writing down. "Tell me about Annabella," she said as she finished writing whatever she was writing.

"What can I say about her? She's perfect."

"Why would you say that?"

"She's beautiful, she's popular, she's likable, she can cook, she's beyond rich, and she's smart too." As I thought about that last part, I spoke up again. "Though she has her moments," I finished as I thought about the times I had spoken with her.

"And that makes her perfect?"

"Well, yeah," I replied.

"Nobody's perfect, Nicole," Dr. Matthews said. I didn't reply to that as she spoke up again. "Anyway, have you had the urge to cut yourself since you and Will broke up?" she asked suddenly. I was slightly taken aback by the question, but answered anyway.

"Yes, twice," I replied as my jaw tightened when I thought back to when I had the urges.

"And did you?"

"No, I didn't. The first time, my little brother stopped me. And the second time, I went outside for fresh air and a walk instead."

"That's good," she said as she wrote down something again. "When was the last time you cut yourself then?"

"Months ago. Like four months, I think? Before Will and I got together," I replied. She nodded as she scribbled more notes into her folder. She then told me one of many tips to distract me from cutting. This tip being if I ever got the urge again that I should hold ice cubes in my hand and the coldness would help distract me and fight the urge. I kept that in mind as I nodded at her.

"Let's go back to the topic of school," she said. "What's your schedule like this year?"

I proceeded to tell her about my schedule and whatnot. The rest of the session went like that. Dr. Matthews didn't want to pile on too much so early in our sessions, so she mainly focused on my school, my commute to school, my apartment, and the like. When our session was about to end, she closed her folder. "Well, I think we made some progress today. I know we didn't cover too much right now, but we'll get to that. So keep me posted if anything happens, and stay strong. You've gone months without cutting and you should be proud of yourself." I smiled to myself. I actually was a bit proud of myself for that. Whenever I got too depressed, I would go straight to cutting as a release. Seeing as how I hadn't done that in months, I thought I was really improving. "And remember, ice cubes if you ever get the urge. I'll see you again next week, so don't miss our appointment," she said with a small smile.

"I won't," I replied with a smile back. We said our goodbyes and then ended our video chat.

I sighed as I pushed my laptop away from me. I stood up from my little wi-fi corner and stretched. Right as I brought my arms down, my stomach growled. I tried to remember the last time I ate and I realized that it was last night. I had skipped breakfast this morning, because I was running late to school. And even though I did eat last night, it was only a slice of bread with a bit of jam on it.

I left my room and made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed two slices of bread, peanut butter, and a banana before I heard a knock on my door. I looked at the door in confusion. I wasn't expecting anyone. I walked towards the door and right when I was about to open it did I realize that I should probably look though the peephole. I didn't want to open the door if it was Will again.

When I glanced through the peephole though, I was surprised to find it wasn't Will, but actually someone far from him. I flung open the door and long arms engulfed me in a hug before they pulled away to look at me.

"Erin! What are you doing here?" I asked in surprise and confusion.