Here We Go Again

It had been three days since I spoke to Travis about being roommates. I told myself that I should set up boundaries between us. Even though practically the whole school found out about my old habit of cutting last year, I still didn't want to pull Travis into my drama and let him know everything. I figured if he never saw that side of me, if he never saw how much pain I was in and how hurt I was, then maybe being roommates with him wouldn't be so bad. The last thing I wanted from him was for him to pity me.

I had moved into Travis' room yesterday and while it was the weekend, I decided to stay here since I just moved in. I was still so thankful he didn't pry and ask questions as to why I was now his roommate. I was lucky for that. He was still usually quiet, only speaking when it was necessary. Though he would still talk to me and hold a conversation with me when I spoke with him. I also found out that he was rarely in the room. He told me he was usually always either in the PJY room or in the library studying. Travis was somewhat of an overachiever.

So as I was left alone in the room all afternoon, I tried to take a nap. I sighed as I leaned back into my bed. I hadn't slept for two days already and I was almost sure it would change to three days. I hadn't been able to shut my eyes long enough, even for half an hour. Lack of sleep was affecting me negatively. And in that time, I hadn't cried a single tear since my breakdown in the bathroom. I was kind of hoping I cried all I had in me that day.

I tried to fall asleep for a whole hour and I couldn't even shut my eyes. I grunted and threw my covers off me. I walked towards the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot. I rubbed at them in frustration. I suddenly had the urge to bring out a blade. Though it only crossed my mind for a fraction of a second, I felt guilty all the same. I couldn't help myself though.

I looked through the cabinet, looking for something sharp. I was hoping that Travis would have a razor. That could work. After coming up empty-handed and nearly giving up on looking for it and getting a kitchen knife instead, I grabbed a bobby pin and snapped it in half.

I took one of the broken pieces of the bobby pin and held it between my fingers. The silver metal was cold to the touch. I brought the sharp end to my wrist and took a deep breath. It had been awhile since I last cut myself that I was getting kind of nervous. Just as I was about to do a slash, I felt warm hands on my wrists.

"Stop," Travis said sternly. He looked me in the eyes with a determined look on his face. "Drop it," he said firmly. My hands shook as I slowly let go of the metal and let it drop into the sink. Travis' own hands tried to keep my hands steady.

"I..." I tried to say. I felt tears fill up in my eyes and spill over my pale cheeks. "I'm tired of this..." I said in a broken voice. "I..." I couldn't finish my sentence. I didn't even know how to finish it.

Travis let go of my wrists and I dropped to the floor. I covered my face with my hands as tears continued to roll down my cheeks. I felt his arms wrap around my tiny frame and pull me closer to him.

"Shh..." he shushed in my ear. "It's okay, it's okay... Shh..." he chanted.

I continued crying in his arms, ignoring that thought in my head that told me to stop crying and have some decency. I threw that thought out the window though and let myself be hugged by him.

And finally, after two whole days of exhaustion, I fell asleep.



I woke up and found out I had slept for nearly eighteen hours straight. Then I realized that those boundaries that I had set up in my head with Travis were completely torn down and destroyed the second that he saw that first tear fall from my eyes.



I hadn't spoken to Travis for two days. Ever since I broke down in front of him. It was a good thing he only spoke to me if I spoke to him first.

So while I was getting ready for school, I was surprised when Travis spoke up first.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me suddenly. I jumped from where I was sitting on my bed and glanced up at him.

"Fine," I muttered with a fake smile. He just looked at me and I could tell he could look straight through my bullshit lie.

"You're not fine," he stated. I sighed as I looked away from him. I stood up from my bed and walked to my wardrobe that was next to the bathroom. I got the bed closest to the bathroom and I still had a bit of getting used to that.

"You're right," I breathed out. "I'm not fine," I admitted. "But what can I say or do then?" I turned to look at him and it looked like he didn't know what to say. "I appreciate what you did for me, Travis, I really do. I was at a low point and I almost caved and relapsed. But I didn't. Thanks to you."

"I was just," Travis started. "helping a friend," he finished. I smiled at that and this time, it was a genuine one. He considered me his friend now and that made me happy.

"Really, Travis, thanks. And while I'm not fine right now, I'm getting there." He nodded at me and continued getting ready.

I sighed as I turned back to my wardrobe. As I put on my blazer, I thought about what I said. I was trying to get better. That's what my therapist was for. As I looked back on what my last session was like with her though, I started to wonder to if I was ever going to get better. I had told Dr. Matthews that I passed out again. And how ever since then, I had been having a weird feeling in my chest. I told her that I felt anxious a lot, my hands and arms had been shaking terribly, I had shortness of breath, and I had the feeling of generally just going crazy. Dr. Matthews then diagnosed me with panic disorder. It explained a lot, but it didn't feel like I was getting any better. In fact, it seemed like I was getting worse. And not only that, before that, she diagnosed me with depression. That explained the lack of sleep, lack of appetite, feeling exhausted, and the hopelessness I had started feeling. Dr. Matthews put me on antidepressants which she said would help with both my depression and panic disorder.

I sighed again as I glanced back at Travis. He was in the kitchen eating breakfast. I walked towards my bedside table and took my iron supplements and my antidepressants. I didn't know if it was the fact that I had to take pills every morning or it was my panic disorder talking, but I really felt like I was going crazy instead of getting better.





After speaking with Nicole for a bit about if she was fine, I walked into the kitchen and had breakfast. I watched her from the corner of my eye as she walked towards her bedside table and took some pills. I wasn't exactly sure what they were, but she had been taking them every day, so I figured they were to help her get better or something. If she didn't want to tell me, then that was fine. It was her business, not mine.

Right as I finished my breakfast, Nicole walked into the kitchen to eat. I put my dishes in the sink and went to get my things ready for class. After I packed my bag, I glanced over at Nicole. She poured milk into her cereal before she put the milk back into the fridge. As she stood there staring at her bowl mindlessly, she eventually slumped against the counter and I saw her shoulders shake. She lifted her hand and brought it to her mouth. I continued to watch as she cried and tears ran over her face.

If anyone else had walked into the room at the moment and saw that, they would wonder why she was crying over her cereal. People that knew her personally though would completely understand what was going on with her.

I stood up from where I was sitting on my bed and walked towards her. I was never good at just leaving a girl to cry alone. I enveloped her into my arms and she leaned into me, tears still streaming down her face. After a minute or two, she went to push me away. I hesitantly let go of her as she spoke up.

"I'm sorry," she muttered quietly. "This is the second time this has happened," she said with a weak laugh. "I don't mean to be like this."

"It's okay," I assured her.

"I hate to bring you into this."

"It's okay," I said again.

"We barely know each other," she continued with a sniffle. She looked up at me as she wiped at her eyes. "I feel like I'm going crazy," she admitted as a fresh batch of tears sprang up to her eyes. I pulled her back into me and she continued to cry. She suddenly pulled away from me though when we heard a knock on the door.

"I'll get that," I said as I let go of her. As I turned around to answer the door, I felt a light tug on the back of my shirt. I turned around and looked at Nicole.

"I'm sorry for all this," she started as she let go of my shirt. "I know Will and I's breakup is the talk of the school, and you're probably wondering about a lot of things that's been happening to me lately. But I'll tell you everything that's wrong with me. If you'll listen," she finished. I nodded at her.

"I'll listen."

"Thanks. For everything," she said. I nodded at her before I walked towards the door. I opened it and Chris was standing there, his hands in his pockets and a big grin on his face.

"Hey, mate," he greeted. "Is Nicole ready?" I glanced back at her and she nodded.

"Yeah, she's ready," I replied as I turned back to Chris. "You can come in if you'd like."

"Thanks," he said with his usual grin as he walked inside. As soon as he saw Nicole's tear stained face though, his grin was almost immediately wiped off his face. He walked towards her and cupped her face while he examined her. "Nicole, what's wrong?" he asked, concern clearly evident in his voice. If you didn't know him, you would think he was dating Nicole by the way he treated her.

"I'm fine," Nicole replied quietly. "I'll tell you later, alright?" She looked up at him in an almost pleading look and he understood. He nodded and grabbed Nicole's already packed bag for her as she grabbed her mobile and key card.

"You ready to go as well?" Chris asked me. I glanced down at myself and noticed my wet shirt where Nicole was crying.

"Not quite yet," I replied to him. "Go on ahead and I'll catch up later."

"You sure, mate?" he asked and I nodded at him.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll just change my shirt and then I'll head out."

"Alright, we'll see you at the school building," he said as he guided Nicole out of the room. On her way out, she turned back and mouthed a quick sorry for my shirt. I shook my head and mouthed back it was okay. They soon closed the door behind them and I was left alone in the room.

I let out a breath and quickly changed my shirt before I headed to the school building.





On the way to the elevator, Chris handed me my bag.

"Thanks," I replied.

"No problem," he replied. "Now, are you gonna tell me what happened?" I glanced around at the few people in the hall with us headed towards the elevator as well. With a sigh, I dragged him to the stairs which no one seemed to ever take.

"Things have just been... stressful," I said as we walked down the stairs.

"Is that why you were crying this morning?"

"Partly, yeah. I just feel like I'm going crazy with everything, you know? First depression, now, panic disorder," I explained. I had told Chris almost everything, so he knew about my antidepressants. The only thing I hadn't managed to tell him about yet were my nightmares. I hadn't even told my therapist about that yet.

"I know everything seems fucked up right now, but everything's going to be okay, alright?" Chris said as we continued walking down the stairs. I nodded at him slowly. I just hoped he was right.



The school day was over before I knew it. I headed to the dorms to meet with Travis. I had told him this morning that I would tell him everything and I planned to tell him today. I went through everything I was going to tell him all day and I felt like I was ready. Like I said already, all the boundaries I had put up before had been completely destroyed. And I would rather let Travis know everything now instead of him being in the dark while I had mental breakdowns left and right. I would rather he be prepared for when I had those breakdowns.

I got to the room first and waited about ten minutes before Travis arrived himself. I had asked him during study hall if he could stop by our room after school instead of the PJY room so we could talk. He said sure and now, here he was.

I was sitting on my bed with Travis sitting across from me on his own bed. He had removed his blazer and took off his tie, so he was just wearing his school shirt and pants. I hadn't bothered to change either, so I was still in my school clothes minus the blazer as well.

"So," I started awkwardly. "where do I even begin?" I asked more to myself than to him.

"Take your time," he replied quietly as he rested his hands on his knees.

"What do you know so far about what happened?"

"Not much actually. Just that you and Will broke up and that he and Anna got back together," he answered. I wasn't sure if I heard it right, but I thought I heard a hint of anger in his voice at just the mention of Will's name. I didn't think more of it as I replied.

"Okay, that's a start." I wrung my hands together as I started to speak. "Yeah, Will and I broke up. He broke it off shortly before we started school. Do you remember when I saw you and Annabella in the PJY room when Will and I first arrived?" He nodded at me. "We broke up a couple days after that. The day we broke up, I flew back to California to my family and spent the rest of the break with them before I flew back over and bought my apartment. Anyway, while I was in California, I was in a lot of pain. And you already know about my old habit," I said as I gestured to my covered wrist. He nodded before he replied.

"I do," he said.

"Right, well, I almost relapsed if it wasn't for my little brother. And really, he saved me that day. After talking with him for a bit, I made a decision. And after so many years of avoiding it, I finally entered therapy." I stopped to look at Travis before I continued. "My therapist recently diagnosed me with depression and panic disorder." I reached over to my bedside table and pulled out the two bottles in there. I held up one of the bottles to show him. "These are my antidepressants. They're supposed to help with both my depression and panic disorder. And this bottle is my iron supplements. I started taking this long before my depression, because I have iron-deficiency anemia, just one of the side-effects of my cutting. I have to take both every day." I set the bottles back into the drawer before I spoke up again. "Some side effects of my antidepressants are headaches, nausea, agitation, restlessness, and trouble with sleeping. Some side effects of my iron supplements are nausea and stomach pain." I paused to get my thoughts back on track. "I have nightmares almost every night and I barely get any sleep nowadays. I don't eat much anymore and if you really knew me before any of this, you'd know how much I love to eat and how much I actually ate." I paused again. "I'm telling you all of this, because I want everything out in the open. I will have a few breakdowns now and then in the future and I wanted you to know so you'd be prepared. I'm telling you this, because I trust you. I'm telling you this, because I need someone to depend on. And I hope you can handle what's gonna happen and that you'd please be patient with me. If you're not comfortable with any of this and can't handle it, I can move back out if you want," I finished.

"I'm okay with all of this," Travis answered.

"I need someone to watch over me, because of my antidepressants."

"That's okay as well." I stared at him, slightly unbelieving at how calm he seemed with all of this. I just dumped a bunch of stuff on him and how I was going to be such a hassle from now on and how dependent I was going to be on him, and he seemed totally fine with everything. To be honest, that actually made me feel safe and cared for.

"Thank you, Travis. You seem to be taking this really well." He nodded at me.

"I'm going to tell you something, because you trusted me to tell me all this about yourself."

"Okay, what is it?"

"The reason why I'm taking all of this so well is because someone very close to me has dealt with depression before as well. My mother had it for years after her sister died and I always took care of her. So don't worry if you think you're burdening me with all this. You're not. I just want to help you." I couldn't stop myself from getting up from my bed and hugging him.

"I don't know how many times I've said this, but thank you. You're a blessing." He awkwardly patted my back before I let go of him. I smiled at him as I stood up from his bed. Right as I was about to grab my laptop, my cellphone went off. I checked the caller ID and it was Chris. "Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, what are you doing right now?" Chris asked from the other end. I glanced back at Travis and he nodded his head as if to say go ahead.

"Nothing anymore. Why? What's up?" I asked him.

"I hate to bug you, but can you do me the biggest favor?"

"Depends. What is it?"

"Do you think you could help me memorize my lines for my drama class?"

"Why can't Hayley help you?" I asked him as I tugged at the hem of my shirt absentmindedly.

"She's busy with choir," he said simply. In one of last week's assemblies, clubs were announced and auditions and signups were held a few days after that. Of course, Travis and I were already part of the PJY club, Chris joined the drama club, and Hayley joined choir.

"Okay, sure. I'll help you," I replied with a shrug. "Where do you want to meet?"

"My room is fine. See you in a few minutes?" he asked. I nodded before I realized he couldn't see me.

"Yeah, I'll see you then." We quickly said our goodbyes before I hung up the phone. I turned to Travis as I grabbed my key card from my bedside table. "I'm gonna go help Chris with his lines for his drama class," I explained and he nodded at me. I grabbed my blazer and put it on before I stuffed my key card, cellphone, and wallet into the pockets. "Thanks for listening, Travis, and for being really understanding," I said. I smiled a genuine smile at him. He nodded at me with a small smile on his own face before I left the room.