Here We Go Again

A week later while I was staring up at the ceiling after just waking up did I remember Will; where I remembered everything about him and about what happened between the two of us.

I glanced at my bedside table and reached into the first drawer. I pulled out the gift that he gave me for my birthday. Things had started coming back to me slowly at first, but then everything came rushing back to me this morning. I remembered Will. And it hurt. I remembered all the joy and pain he had put me through me and I couldn't help but break out into tears as I held the box where the pink tourmaline necklace rested in.

Just last week, I was wondering if it was a good thing or not if I remembered Will. And now, I wished I hadn't remembered him. I regretted remembering, because now, I could feel all the pain he put me through full force.

It had been awhile since I had cried this hard, so it was difficult to stop myself. After trying for nearly ten minutes, I managed to quiet my cries into sobs as I dragged myself out of my bed and into the bathroom. I got into the shower and let my tears continue to roll down my face along with the water. When I got out of the shower, I finally managed to stop crying.

As I stared at my bloodshot eyes in the slightly fogged up mirror, I just wanted to cry all over again. I was getting better and now, I was right back to the start. I was right back at my worst.

I left the bathroom to let Travis get ready. He saw my bloodshot eyes, but didn't say anything as he sensed that I didn't want to talk about it at the moment. I was thankful for that. So while he used the restroom, I quickly got dressed for school. While getting dressed, I thought about my situation.

Why is it that I'm so miserable just because I'm not with Will anymore? He's just a boy. Why am I in so much pain because of a boy?

I shook my head.

Will isn't just a boy. Will is... Will is everything to me. I nearly ended my life for him last year. He's everything to me and I can't have him anymore. I can't ever be with him and it hurts to realize this.

I shut my eyes to stop myself from crying again. When I was sure tears weren't going to start falling from my eyes again, I opened them and took deep calming breaths. Travis had left the bathroom by now, but he still hadn't said anything. In fact, he didn't say a word to me until we had left the dorms and were at the school building.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked me. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye before I replied.

"No," I answered honestly. There was no point in lying. It was silent for a few seconds before he spoke up again.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. He gave me a small pat on my back before he turned to walk in the opposite direction to where his first period class was at. He made it two steps before he turned back around. Before I could ask him why he turned around or say anything for that matter, he had pulled me into a hug. I was surprised at first, but didn't push him away. In fact, I welcomed the hug and hugged him back. He didn't say anything nor did he need to, because his hug was comforting enough to make me not think about crying again.

We stayed frozen like that for a while until the first bell rang. I hesitantly pulled myself away from him. He looked down at me and gave me a look as if to ask if I was feeling better now. I nodded and gave him a small smile before we parted ways.



I took a deep breath before I entered my first period class. I walked in and I didn't look at Will as I made my way to my seat and instead kept my eyes trained on the floor. Only when I was seated and when Will spoke up did I look up at him.

"Hey, Nicole," he said in a cheery tone. I scowled at him and the easy going look on his face instantly disappeared. I looked away from him as I pulled out my textbook. "You," he started as he tried to find his words. "You remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," I replied curtly. He didn't reply for a moment or two.

"See? I told you you'd hate me all over again," he said before he turned to the front of the board. He didn't talk once or even glance at me for the rest of the class period. What he said though really got me thinking. I could never hate Will. Yeah, I was still so incredibly pissed at him for what he did, and I was in so much pain because of him, but I could never hate him. I was so completely in love with him and I couldn't imagine myself not loving him and not having him in my life.

I gripped the necklace through my clothes and shut my eyes. In the midst of getting ready earlier and trying not to cry all over again at the same time, I somehow managed to take the necklace out of its box and put it on. I didn't have it in me to wear it before when I couldn't remember him, but now that I did remember him, I wanted to wear it. Simply because, it was my last gift from Will. If I couldn't have him anymore, then this necklace - this piece of expensive jewelry - was the only thing I had to remind me that at one point in my life, I had Will. This necklace was my last connection to him. And now, I had to let him go. So if keeping and wearing this necklace was going to help get me through the fact that I wasn't with him anymore, then so be it. As hard and impossible as it may have seemed, I was going to try to live my life without him. I needed to move on with my life, whether I still loved Will or not.



The rest of the day passed horribly slow. The time between lunch and sixth period was probably the worst and most draining time for me. I didn't want to eat with Will, let alone Annabella. So I spent lunch with Travis in the library. It was a quiet lunch, because I was afraid that if tried to explain what happened, then I would break out into tears and wouldn't stop. I had a feeling Travis knew though that I remembered Will. Since it was so quiet, it gave me time to think about everything and it just made me feel even worse. Everything was eating up at me inside and I was afraid I was going to crack and relapse.

When lunch ended, Travis walked me to my sixth period. At one point while we were walking, my legs felt weak. I could feel a panic attack coming on as my breath shortened and my vision started to tunnel. I felt him grip my shoulders as he pulled me to the side of the hallway.

"Shh," he started whispering in my ear. "Breath, Nicole. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Deep breaths," he continued to chant. I took his advice and took deep breaths. I didn't want to pass out, because if I did, I wouldn't want to wake up. I would want to stay in the darkness forever if I didn't have to deal with all this pain.

When I was calm enough, Travis started walking me back to my class. He kept his arm over my shoulders and even held my hand with his other hand. He gripped it tightly in fear that I might collapse any moment. I gripped it back just as tightly as if his hand was an anchor, keeping me steady.

As we stood in front of my classroom, I expected him to let me go so I could walk into class. He didn't though, and instead walked me inside and to my seat. When I was seated, he crouched down in front of me before he brushed my hair aside to look me in the eyes.

"You alright then?" he whispered to me. I nodded slowly. "Deep breaths, Nicole. I'll pick up after class to take you to your seventh period." He stood up and I grabbed his sleeve.

"Thank you," I muttered so quietly I wasn't even sure if he could hear it. He sent me a small smile before he glanced about the room. I could have been wrong, but I swear I saw him glare in the direction of Will before I let go of him and let him leave the classroom.

Sixth period was a blur to me. I barely remembered what was happening and just focused on breathing properly. When sixth period ended, Travis kept his word and was waiting outside of my classroom for me. He seemed a little out of breath, so I assumed he probably ran here. He walked me to my next class as he held my hand. We got a couple of stares, but I could care less at the moment. His hand was warm and comforting, and I was glad that he was here for me.



When school finally ended for the day, I was exhausted. Travis had walked me back to our room so I could get some sleep, because I wasn't feeling so hot. He helped me slip out of my blazer before I grabbed some pajamas. I quickly changed into them in the bathroom before I walked back out. He helped me into my bed and tucked me in. When I was settled, he felt my forehead. He clicked his tongue before he walked into the bathroom. I let my eyes close as I heard him fumble around in there. The last thing I remembered before I slipped into the darkness was something cool and wet being pressed against my burning forehead.





Nicole had a high fever. I assumed all the stress from today took a toll on her. I had grabbed a wet towel and had it pressed against her forehead. I tucked her deeper in her bed as she stirred.

The only explanation I could think of as to why she was so stressed was because of Will. And I could only assume that she remembered him by the way things had happened today. She nearly had a panic attack and I barely just pulled her back from it. When I was holding her hand earlier, it felt incredibly warm, so when I felt her forehead, I just knew that she was running a fever.

For the rest of the day, I stayed by Nicole's side and changed the wet towel every half hour. Her fever wasn't too high and didn't seem too serious, so I guessed she would be back on her feet by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

So when the next day rolled around and her fever had lowered, but was still high enough to count as a sick day, I let her sleep in some more. She needed her rest and school, let alone Will, wasn't going to help her any. That didn't stop him though from asking where she was at.

"Where's Nicole?" he had asked me during passing period after first period. I couldn't help myself but glare at him.

"She isn't feeling too well, so she's resting," I replied rudely.

"Oh," he said quietly. I narrowed my eyes further at him.

Nicole is sick in bed because of you and you can only manage an 'oh'?!

I thought angrily. He didn't deserve Nicole's attention and I couldn't understand how she failed to see that.

"Can I see her?" he asked after a moment of silence. My anger flared once more.

"Of course not!" I replied loudly. Will seemed a bit taken back by my outburst, but I could care less. "You're not allowed to see her. She's in so much pain because of you. So just leave her alone," I said harshly before I walked away from him. I was furious at him. He had some nerve to even ask that. Nicole was my friend and he had no right to do this to her.

On my way to my second period, I saw Anna in the hallway. I inwardly groaned and turned down a different hallway to avoid her. I couldn't handle even seeing her at the moment. I was mad at her also. Whether it was because of Nicole or my own selfish reasons, I thought Anna was partly at fault too.

If she didn't get back together with Will, then Nicole wouldn't be in this pain right now. If she didn't get back together with him, then Anna and I would be-

I quickly shook my head to not think about it any longer. It would only make me angrier. I quickly walked into my second period class as the bell rang.



When class finally ended for the day, I went straight to my room to check up on Nicole. When I got there, she was out of her bed and was rummaging through the refrigerator.

"What's to eat?" she mumbled quietly.

"Sit and I'll cook you some soup," I said as I quickly dropped my bag near my bed and walked into the kitchen.

She sat down on a stool at the counter while I set to making her soup. She had gotten cold halfway through while I was making her food, so she grabbed her blanket and draped it over her small body as she sat down at the stool once more.

After about half an hour, her food was done. I poured some in a bowl before I set it in front of her with a spoon. She waited a minute or two for it to cool, and while she waited, I reached over and felt her forehead. She wasn't as warm as when I left her this morning, so she would be fine to go back to school tomorrow.

As she started to eat, I leaned against the counter and watched her. She was such a small, frail girl that I wondered how she didn't get sick more often. Sure, she had been mentally sick because of Will, but before all this happened, I couldn't recall when she was ever physically sick with a cold or something.

"What?" she mumbled before she ate a spoonful of soup.

"Huh?" I asked as I snapped out of my thoughts. "Oh, sorry. Was I staring? I was just thinking," I explained quickly. She nodded absentmindedly and continued eating her soup. Before it was quiet for too long, she spoke up again.

"Talk to me about something. I don't like the silence right now," she admitted. I couldn't help but look at her in sadness.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked her and she shrugged.

"I don't know. How was class today? Did I miss anything important?" she asked. I knew she wanted me to talk about anything to keep her distracted, so I granted her that much and told her about class today. I tried to avoid the whole subject of Will to spare her, but our conversation suddenly took a turn and I couldn't help but mention him.

"Will asked about you today," I blurted out.

"Oh," she said in surprise.

"He asked if he could see you."

"What did you say to him?"

"I said he wasn't allowed to. You don't need that kind of stress right now." I swear I saw her visibly relax.

"Thanks, Travis," she said with a small smile. I returned the smile and she finished off her soup. "Is that why you're so upset today?" she asked me suddenly. I looked at her in surprise. Did I seem upset?

"What?" I asked her.

"You seem upset, but I don't think it's just about Will, so what else happened?" she asked. It was as if she could see right through me.

When did I become so transparent?

I let out a sigh before I replied. There was no point in lying to her. I was going to have to tell her the truth sometime.

"It's about Anna," I finally admitted. I watched as her eyes widened before she spoke up.

"What about her?"





I watched as Travis sighed before he spoke up once more.

"I saw her today and I couldn't really handle it," he said.

"Why? What happened?" I asked. I needed distractions and this sounded like a good enough distraction to me.

"Anna and I," Travis started. "we had a... thing."

"A thing?" I questioned. He nodded at me as realization slowly made its way onto my face. "Oh! A thing!" I exclaimed and he nodded again. This was definitely a good distraction.

"Yeah."

"When was this?"

"The summer before our twelfth year, while you and Will were in America. It was just a fling and she broke it off before school started."

"Why?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I'm not sure actually. I think she was embarrassed to be seen with me," he said with a small chuckle. I couldn't help but hear an underlying tone of sadness in that. I would understand why he would think that though. This was Annabella Harrison we were talking about. She was the most popular girl in school and while Travis was cute, if she was dating someone less than her on the social ladder, it didn't seem to exactly go too well. I mean, Will and I were a prime example. A lot of people didn't like me when Will and I first got together, because they blamed me that I broke up him and Annabella. And while it was partly true, it didn't make me feel any better that people blamed me for everything.

"Do you," I started as I tried to find the right words. "Do you still like her?" Travis glanced up at me before he turned away and rubbed his neck awkwardly.

"It was just a fling," he replied.

"So? That doesn't mean you didn't like her."

"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm getting over her and I'm moving on," he said as he tried to brush the conversation off as nothing. I pursed my lips.

"I'm trying to move on as well," I said. He looked at me in surprise. "I need to move on from Will if I want to get better."

"That's good to hear," he said and he sounded genuine.

"Since we're both trying to move on, maybe we can help each other. Like remind each other why we need to get on with life and such. You know, be there for each other?" I ended awkwardly. It sounded so much better in my head, but as I said it out loud, I thought it sounded weird. Travis smiled at me though and understood what I was trying to say.

"That sounds good," he replied. I eventually smiled back at him. "Well, get some sleep," he said as pushed himself off the counter and walked around towards me. He helped me off the stool and guided me back to my bed.

"Thanks for taking care of me. Again," I said.

"We're friends. We gotta be there for each other." I smiled as he tucked me into my bed. He really was a great friend.

As I laid in my bed to sleep more, I thought about what he just told me. I was still so surprised that him and Annabella dated for a bit. Not that I didn't think that he didn't deserve her or anything, it was just that I thought it was so weird how I got together with Will when he was my roommate and he got together with Annabella when they were roommates. It made me wonder if this usually happened to other people when they had roommates of the opposite sex.

I imagined Travis and Annabella together and it was hard to fathom. Travis was a quiet guy and usually kept to himself. Annabella was outgoing and friendly, and easily made friends with whoever she met. They were total opposites. Hell, Annabella was so different compared to her own brother that sometimes I even forgot that her and James were siblings.

It was so weird to think of them two together. That was probably what other people thought when Will and I were together; that it was weird for us to date and that we didn't match up.

I tried not to think about it any longer as I forced myself to sleep off my fever some more.