Here We Go Again

Will was beyond plastered and I hated that I was the one who had to take care of him. He had called me when it was past two in the morning, asking if I could come pick him up. So I had to drag my arse out of my warm bed and go get him.

I dragged him into his room and onto his bed. He lazily fell back onto his bed as he laughed. I rolled my eyes at him as I sat on the opposite bed and faced him. I rubbed my neck as I let out a sigh.

"Bloody hell, mate. Why in the hell would you get so plastered tonight?" I asked, but I wasn't really expecting him to answer me in his drunken state.

"I saw Nicole," he said instead. I stared at him in shock.

"What do you mean you saw Nicole?"

"I feel so bad about what happened to us," he slurred. "So I called her tonight and saw her. And then I kissed her." I was shocked that he had kissed Nicole, but this wasn't the first time he had done this while drunk and while he was still with Annabella. Before I could yell at him for what he did once again, he continued speaking. "I still love her and I hate that I'm causing her pain like this by being with Ann again."

"Then why'd you break up with her in the first place?" I asked. He didn't reply for a minute or two, so I assumed he passed out.

"Because," he finally started. "Because I love her so much, that I wanted to be absolutely sure she was the one for me." I continued to stare at him in surprise and wonder. I wasn't sure if it was the lighting in the room or something, but I swore I saw tears in his eyes.

Before I could even question him any further, he finally knocked out. I sighed as I stood up. I walked towards him and rolled him over to his side in case he threw up. Right as I turned to walk away, my foot got caught on a few trainer boxes that were sticking out slightly from under his bed and I accidentally kicked them out. I sighed again as I pushed the boxes back in with my foot. I furrowed my eyebrows as the boxes seemed a lot heavier than holding just a pair of trainers.

I leaned down and pulled out the boxes. I opened the lid and my eyes widened at what I saw. I looked up at Will's sleeping face as I thought about what he just told me. As I thought about his recent behavior and looked back down at the box in front of me and what was in it, it all made sense to me now.





For the rest of weekend, I stayed inside and ignored all the calls and texts I got from Will. He was probably trying to apologize for what he did or something, but I couldn't handle hearing his voice or reading his texts right now. It was all too much for me.

When I got back home after what I did with him, I almost relapsed and cut myself. With just a kiss from Will, all the pain that I was suppressing and trying to get rid of just came rushing back and I couldn't handle it. Instead of cutting myself though, I had a panic attack and that wasn't much better either. After trying for half an hour, I finally calmed myself down and fell back asleep from exhaustion. And when I slept, I had a nightmare which I hadn't gotten for weeks. In just a few minutes with Will, all my problems came reeling back.

And the thought of seeing him again when Monday was going to come around actually made me scared.

I had faced Will to confront my problems and look where that got me. I'm right back to my problems. If that's what happens when I face Will, what I am supposed to do now? Create a wall around myself so I won't get hurt anymore? So I won't feel?

The more I thought about that wall though, the more it sounded it would work and the more it appealed to me. So I made a decision. I built that wall around myself, around my heart, to protect myself from Will and anything else that would hurt me or cause me to feel. I would move on and live my life with this wall to protect me and I wasn't going to let it fall if it meant that I was going to get hurt. I would rather feel numb.



When Monday came, I was worried to say the least. I didn't think I was prepared to see Will, but the wall I built was going to help me with that.

So when I got to first period and saw him, I clenched my hands into fists and walked to my seat next to him.

Keep your wall up, Nicole, and don't let it break. Keep your wall up. You can do this.

I thought to myself.

"Nicole," I heard from the left of me.

"Don't," I started as I stared straight ahead of me. "Don't even say anything. Just... Don't."

Don't break my wall, Will.

He didn't say anything and the class started before he could even try to say something.

When first period ended, I left quickly and walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and clutched onto the sink.

Good job, Nicole. Your wall is still up.

I thought as I silently applauded myself. The small smile on my face instantly disappeared though when I saw Annabella through the mirror leave a stall. And then there was a small thud against my wall. I didn't factor Annabella into the building of my wall. I turned around and faced her.

"Hi," I said weakly. She flashed me a smile as she washed her hands at the sink next to me.

"Hi, Nicole," she replied. "How are you?"

"I'm doing fine. Yourself?" I asked politely. She finished washing her hands before she replied.

"Perfect," she said with a smile. I couldn't help but notice a look in her eyes that said anything but perfect was what she was feeling.

"That's great," I said instead of calling her out on her bullshit. I took a quick glance around and there was one other girl drying her hands. I waited until she was done and gone before I spoke up again. "There's something I need to tell you," I said suddenly.

"Okay, what is it?" she asked me. I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly shut it as I tried to think of how to delicately go about this. As the bell rang though, signaling that we were both late to class now, I just blurted it out.

"Will kissed me," I said quickly. I watched as the small smile that was on her face dropped at what I said. Her eyes widened in shock before she shook her head to clear her head.

"What?" she managed to say.

"He kissed me."

"When?"

"On Saturday night. He was really drunk. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fling this on you so suddenly and I definitely didn't mean for what Will and I did to happen. Honestly," I said as I held my hands up in defense. I half-expected her to hit me or start crying or something, but she did neither of those things. Instead, she forced a smile onto her face and spoke up.

"Thanks for telling me, Nicole." I looked at her in shock, my jaw slightly dropped.

"What?" I asked. This time, I was the one caught off guard.

"Thanks for telling me," she said again. "I know that was probably really hard for you to tell me and I appreciate that you did tell me. So thank you."

"You're not mad?" I asked. She slowly shook her head.

"No, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed, yes, but not mad."

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for anything like that to happen."

"It's okay. I forgive you," she said. My wall felt another thud. I definitely wasn't expecting that. And at that moment, I realized that while I told her about this drunken kiss, I never told her about the first drunken kiss I had shared with Will, my first kiss with him. And I never apologized to her.

"There's something else," I said. I might as well tell her now while we were still on the subject. "Last year when you and Will were together, Will and I kissed. We were both drunk and it was a mistake, and we should have told you. I'm so sorry." Annabella only smiled at me.

"Thank you for telling me. And I forgive you for that as well." I couldn't help as my jaw dropped once more. I had just told her that her boyfriend had essentially cheated on her twice with me and she didn't seem one bit angry at either of us. It was pretty hard to believe. I never realized how forgiving Annabella was and I wasn't sure if this was a new trait of hers or not.

"Does this change anything between us?" I asked her. I didn't know if I was prepared for her to hate me.

"No," she said as she shook her head. "It doesn't change anything. We're still friends." I felt a twinge of relief and happiness at that. Even though Annabella and I barely talked and after all we've both been through with Will, she still considered me a friend. And that made me happy.

"Thank you, Annabella. You have no idea what that means to me."

"It's no problem at all. I'd rather forgive someone who apologized to me earnestly than hold a grudge against a great person like you," she said. And there went another thud at my wall, sending a bit of dust to gather.

Great person like me? She wouldn't think I was so great of a person if she knew what I said about her behind her back before.

I instantly regretted everything bad I had said about her and took everything back. Annabella was a great person and she didn't deserve any of the shit that Will and I had put her through.

I forced myself to hold back my tears. I didn't know that a simple phrase like 'I forgive you' could make you want to cry. I didn't know how much I needed to hear it until it was said to my face.

"So," I started awkwardly. "We should probably head to class."

"You're right. We're both pretty late," Annabella replied. I nodded and we both walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

Before we parted ways, Annabella pulled me into a hug. This wasn't my first time hugging her, but we didn't really hug often, so I was caught off guard at first. I didn't push her away though and instead hugged her back. It was actually nice hugging her and it made me feel like she really did forgive me. When we pulled away from each other, she smiled at me before we told each other we would see each other later. We then left and went to our separate classes. I smiled to myself as I walked, relieved that at least that was off my chest now.





When Monday came around, I went to talk to Will. I had tried to talk to him yesterday, but he wouldn't answer my calls or texts, and wouldn't even open the door when I came to his room. He completely avoided me so I had to wait until lunch so I could finally speak to him. I practically had to drag him out of the school building and into his room so we could talk.

"What?" Will asked in an annoyed tone when we were finally alone.

"There's something wrong with you," I said as I jumped right into it.

"What the bloody hell are you on about?" he asked me with a glare.

"You've been drinking a lot," I stated. "You thought I wouldn't notice, but you're my best mate, so of course I'd notice."

"So what if I've been drinking a lot? If you've been drinking too," he tried to say.

"I have been drinking, but not as much as you. I'm not hiding liquor under my bed in trainer boxes." I watched as he instantly tensed up.

"How do you know about that?" he asked as he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Why does it matter? You have a problem, Will."

"I don't have a problem."

"You clearly have a problem. Why are you drinking so much?" I asked him. He stood there for a minute, his arms crossed over his chest with a hard look on his face before he eventually caved. His face softened and his body went slack before he flopped onto the couch in defeat.

"It's because of Nicole," he admitted.

"O-kay," I said slowly as I sat down next to him. "Does this have to do with what you told me on Saturday?"

"Partly. Not only that though, but she hates me. And I doubt she'll ever forgive me for what I did to her."

"So that's why you took up drinking as a hobby?" He nodded slowly. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs. He clenched his fists and that was when I finally noticed his hands.

"What happened to your hands, Will?" I asked as I gestured to his hands which were wrapped in gauze.

"Nothing," he replied a little too quickly.

"Bullshit. What happened?"

He sighed before he replied. "I got into another fight."

"Another? Meaning there's been others before?" He nodded. "Where?"

"At some pub. I'm not sure which one."

"You got into a bloody pub brawl?" I asked in disbelief. He nodded once more. I realized that Will had a temper sometimes, but he usually wouldn't get into fights unless he was provoked or unless it was necessary. He never got into fights at pubs with random people, especially if he was alone. "Blimey, Will. What the fuck? Why are you getting into fights?" He just shrugged at my question.

"I don't know," he said. "Because I can?" he questioned more than stated. I was going to say something witty to counter what he just said, but realized that now wasn't the time for that.

"What else have you not told me?"

He sighed before he ran his fingers through his hair. "My grades are slipping. And Annabella and I aren't doing so well." I pursed my lips as I thought about what he said.

"You need help, Will," I said finally. His eyes snapped up to meet mine, anger clearly evident in them.

"I don't need help. There's nothing wrong with me."

"There's obviously something wrong with you. And you're in bloody denial. I know you're trying to cope with the whole Nicole thing, but this is definitely not how you should be doing it. Especially since you have a girlfriend right now. Does she know about what's happening to you?" He shook his head at me.

"I'm usually out when she's asleep and come back before she wakes up, so I don't know if she even knows I leave."

"Usually?" I questioned. "Meaning you go out to drink nearly every night or what?" He glanced at me and he had a guilty look in his eyes. He nodded in shame. I narrowed my eyes at him. "You need to get yourself together."

"And why does it matter to you?" he asked rudely.

"You're my best mate! Of course it matters to me! So get your act together soon or else I'm gonna do something that'll make you regret even denying you have a problem!" I finally snapped as I stood up and left, slamming the door behind me.

I walked to the lift, silently fuming. If he didn't care what was happening to him, then I was going to have to make him care, whether he liked it or not.