My Heart Can't Be Broken If It's Not Beating

The following day, Pete and I found ourselves in the kitchen, Pete pottering around the kitchen grabbing the contents he needed to make his drink. I had opted to spend my time on Pete's back, worried that if I were close enough to look into his eyes I may find myself drowning in those brown pools and my heartbeat increasing as it did ever since I had that dream. There was that and also the fact that at least from behind him, he couldn't spill that awful mixture on me.

I rested my head on his cool shoulder and watched as he poured, chopped and measured, my hands holding each other as they fell comfortable against his chest. My legs wrapped easily around his waist as he moved effortlessly, like I wasn't even there.

Pete switched off the blender just as Andy walked into the kitchen, immediately spotting Pete and I in our odd position and paused, narrowing his eyes as he looked between us.

"You two get weirder every day" he muttered, grabbing a newspaper off the bench before leaving the room again. I felt Pete shrug and continued to watch as he poured the contents of the blender into a cup.

"Want some?" he teased, turning his head back to glance at me and holding up the cup. I wrinkled my nose in disgust and pushed it away. He chuckled before taking a sip. I sighed.

"Do we know how Patrick's doing?"

"You know as much as I do. Joe said something about him 'being on a roll' when you were sleeping but who knows…"

"Did you tell him about my symptoms? The fatigue and dizziness?"

"And the fact that you don't touch any of the food we try and give you?" Pete added, setting his glass down and sighing in annoyance.

"I can't help it if I'm not hungry…"

"Yeah well that's not a good thing. You're getting weaker by the day. Do you want something now? I'll make you something if you want"

"No I'm-"

"Guys I think I've got it" Patrick interrupted excitedly, walking briskly into the kitchen and slamming a stack of papers onto the bench.

"Got what?" I asked stupidly, leaning over Pete's shoulder to try and read what the papers said.

"I think I know what you have. It's not as bad as we thought but if I don't get this medicine soon there could be some serious damage to your body" he explained exasperatedly, searching through the papers.

"What is it?" Pete asked.

"Well, as we expected, it's some kind of fever. Tropical probably…Anyway! That doesn't really matter to you, all you need is this medicine and the faster I leave-"

"You have to leave?" I questioned suddenly.

He stopped and looked up at me, giving me a strained smile, which I think was meant to be reassuring.

"Well, the guy I have to get the medicine from doesn't really live that close..."

"How far are we talking?"

Patrick sighed and looked down, readjusting his glasses. "Let's just say I'll be gone for a few days, maybe even a week"

"A week?" I gasped.

"You need this medicine Riley"

"But you can't just leave! And by yourself? I'll come with you. This is my problem, I need to solve it" I began to rant. I couldn't just let Patrick go and risk his life just to get my medicine.

"Riley, you're not coming. Andy and Joe have already agreed to come with me, you'll be staying here with Pete." Patrick explained. I turned to Pete who just looked like he was trying to figure all of this out. Andy and Joe hastily made their way into room. I looked at all three of them uneasily.

"Thank you"

***********
"Now you have to hurry back ok? Even if you can't get the medicine" I was telling Andy sternly as we pulled back from our embrace. Pete was already standing there, ready for me to shift back comfortably into his arms but I instead I moved on to Joe, pulling him into my arms where he vaguely hugged back. We didn't speak when he pulled away, I just went straight to Patrick.

"I'm sorry you have to do this" I told him apologetically. He just smiled and put his hand on each of my shoulders so I was looking into his eyes.

"You don't have to be sorry. We just want you to get better Riley"

I smiled back at him and gave him one last hug before I began to feel dizzy and had to retreat back into Pete's embrace.

Joe and Andy headed out to the car whilst Patrick finished explaining things to us.
"Now all the doors and windows are locked and the kitchen's full of supplies. You should be safe but just watch out for each other ok?"

Pete and I nodded before Patrick gave us one more smile and stepped outside. Pete went and locked the door behind him before letting out a sigh. We just stood there for a moment before I spoke.

"Why didn't you say any goodbyes?" I asked curiously, looking up at Pete's blank face.

When he spoke, his answer was simple and I found myself thinking about it afterwards, tyring to understand exactly what he meant.

"Because I trust them."

*********

In the few days following the boy's departure, I found myself focusing on how quiet the house was without them there. You couldn't hear Andy laughing at the obnoxiously loud TV or Joe's grunts from where he was training or Patrick's voice from where he was recording his research into a little machine. Even with Pete right beside me, for the first time in months I felt…lonely.

Pete and I spent most of the time sleeping, hesitant to try and make conversation. About a day before the boys were due back, we were sitting side by side on the couch, staring at the clock and I broke the silence.

"What did you want to be when you grew up?" I asked curiously, not looking at Pete's face. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his reaction was confusion before it turned to contemplation. He looked down at his hands and smiled.

"I wanted to be a rockstar"

I smiled at his answer, thinking about all the stories I'd heard from Joe about how the four of them used to play as a band.

"You'd make a good rockstar" I nodded still not meeting his eyes.

He chuckled and I felt him shift beside me, the coolness of his body reminding me how hot my own was as I leaned against him more. It was silent for a while before his smooth voice tested the air.

"What did you want to be?"

I sighed and frowned. Obviously he was going to ask me the question back but I still had to think about my answer.

"There was never really a job that I wanted, I just wanted to start a family" I laughed at myself realising how stupid that sounded out loud but Pete didn't laugh along with me. In fact when he asked, "Why?" he actually sounded like he wanted to know.

"I don't know. I just always imagined falling in love, getting married, having kids, grandkids. You know, finding someone I could grow old with." I thought about the dream I had the other night, how much happiness I felt, how much I wanted that to happen and then I realised that Pete was probably the wrong person to be talking about this with. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, no, it's ok. I understand" Pete reassured me.

"Well, did you ever want to…." I trailed off, hesitant to ask such a question to someone whom it could never happen to.

"I guess I always wanted to fall in love. Starting a family was never really high on my priority list, well, at least not at my age. But when I got turned it was like, I didn't need to bother dreaming anymore. There was no point; I had no chance with any of it. I was never going to be able to do anything with my life"

As Pete spoke I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Everything he wanted was taken away from and he was left with a one-track future.

I lifted my head from his shoulder and for the first time in days I looked him in the eye. "I'm really sorry Pete"

At first I knew it was a mistake because those eyes immediately made me forget every single thing I was thinking and I found myself unable to look away, even when he started talking again.

"It's not your fault Riley," he smiled softly, reaching up and tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear, his fingertips dancing gracefully across my cheek, something that usually would have made me close my eyes and sigh. But I couldn't help thinking about what he said.

"But it kind of is," I began, furrowing my eyebrows as I thought about it. Pete looked at me confused but I ignored him and continued. "I mean, it was my brother who turned you, right? I could have stopped him. When he got turned I should have killed him, stopped him from ruining your life, ruining everyone's lives. I'm so sorry Pete" I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as I thought about how messed up this situation was but it wasn't long until Pete was trying to convince me otherwise. He placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face up to his so I was looking him in the eye again.

"Riley there was no way you knew what he was going to do. You couldn't have stopped him. You have to let it go"

I sighed and blinked the tears away, listening to Pete's words and staring into his eyes again. And immediately I hated that dream I had. I hated the way that he could make me so vulnerable. I hated that I could feel my heart beginning to race because of how close our faces were and I hated that I needed him more than anyone else in the world right now.

"Riley are you ok?" Pete asked, voice full of concern as he touched my face. "Riley you're burning up. What's-"

But aside from all those things, there was one thing I hated most. I hated that at that moment, I leaned forward and kissed Pete Wentz.