The Alex Effect

It didn’t bother me before; it didn’t even keep me up at night like it does now.

I was unraveling and you didn’t even give a fuck.

I steadied my shaky hands by gripping the sink firmly, peering at my reflection for the first time in days. My eyes were bloodshot, spidery veins cradling the irises as tears blurred my vision. My hair was in a messy ponytail and I didn’t bother to wear anything else besides a tank top and sweatpants when I was at home. I’d also been chewing on my lower lip until I broke the delicate skin, the metallic taste of blood on my tongue as your words echoed in my head in a frenzied loop.

I wish I could hate you.

“I never loved you, so stop calling me, you psychotic bitch. I know you hang up as soon as I answer, you’re not fooling anyone.”

I called once and you left a voicemail telling me to pick up all my stuff in your apartment or else you’d throw it in the garbage. Psychotic bitch? Right.

“Hey, are you alright?” Arms enveloped my torso in a hug as I looked up at the lanky brunette I was glad to have as both a band mate and best friend. Jordan had noticed how out of I’d been but he’d never pressured me to talk about it. I guess I really was a mess though because his tone of voice had an edge to it. More than an edge of worry; it was stern as well.

I quickly shifted my focus to the wall behind him. “If I said yes, I’d be a liar.”

Jordan maneuvered us out of the bathroom and to the couch, my head resting on his chest as he smoothed down my hair. “You know everyone is worried about you. Why else do you think we all wanted to come over to your house for the night?” He didn’t wait for my snarky response. “Don’t you dare say because you have food and Cuervo. That’s not why.”

Rob, Mike, and Cameron had gone out for a food run and Jordan had decided to stay behind. I realized now that it was because he was the one staging this impromptu intervention. We were leaving for tour soon and had just finished shooting the music video for Kiss Me Again. I smiled faintly at the memory of the video shoot; it had featured Alex Gaskarth, the infamous lead singer of All Time Low. Since then, we’d been talking a lot and there was even a promise that our bands would tour together somehow. When the breakup happened, I didn’t talk to anyone else besides the guys and my family though. Alex would try to start up a conversation and I would stare at the text message for a minute or two before pretending it didn’t exist.

I tried not to let the guilt weigh me down too much.

“Maybe because my mom loves you guys?” My mom had gone away for the weekend and insisted that we all stay here, as long as we cleaned up after ourselves. Oh, and as long as we didn’t break anything.

Jordan sighed. “We can’t avoid the subject the whole night, Tay. You only told us the bare minimum about what happened. What did he say?”

I felt my throat constrict and a wave of nausea overcome me. I wasn’t going to break down. I couldn’t. I had to get over this crap before I left for tour and never had to mention him again. That had been my plan all along. I had to keep on living my life, forgetting the person I loved and believed had loved me. A part of me still loved him, despite the fact that he had been so quick to deny it. I could never truly hate him, and it was the sad truth.

“He said. . .that he didn’t love me and he never did. The next day, I called him because my stuff is in his apartment. He left a voicemail, calling me a bunch of crap and that I was obsessed and my stuff was going straight in the trash. His brother dropped off my stuff here last week and apologized. I don’t know what I did wrong.” I blinked back tears, tracing circles on Jordan’s shirt with my index finger.

“Tay, you know that you’re not the one at fault here,” Jordan whispered, his thumb brushing away a stray tear that rolled down my cheek. “I’m not sure if anyone else knew but I know that he emotionally abused you. I walked in on a few of the fights you two had. He’s a spineless idiot who had to power trip his girlfriend to feel good about himself. He didn’t deserve your love.”

I choked back a sob. “But I can’t hate him, Jordan. I know he was a crappy boyfriend but I thought I could help him. I thought I was enough.”

“You were more than enough. He didn’t appreciate you and your love.”

“I’ve been avoiding everyone but you guys,” I murmured into his shirt, closing my eyes, “including Alex, who keeps trying to have a drink or lunch with me.”

I imagined Jordan’s eyes widening as I mentioned his name. “You’ve been ignoring Alex of all people? You’re going to have to make it up to him since you promised you’d hang out before we leave.”

“Jeez, thanks, mom,” I chortled as I heard a door close, followed by the cacophony of male voices. I looked up from where I was laying with Jordan and grinned. Cameron had brought back a variety of ingredients for tacos. Just for tonight, I would indulge in those and tell everyone about the breakup tomorrow. The whole truth.

But for now, I’d respond to Alex’s text messages.

I quickly typed out the following before I could second guess myself: Dinner tomorrow night at 7?

He responded fifteen minutes later. Sure. Pagoda Palace?

I smiled. Definitely. I’ll meet you at your place.



“No, we don’t want to buy anything you’re sell---Tay!” The biggest grin appeared on the face of Jack Barakat, who opened the door wider to let me in to Alex’s house. “Haven’t seen or heard from you in forever! What the hell happened?”

“Stuff. Nothing important,” I said dismissively, avoiding direct eye contact. Jack would get the information from Alex later anyway; I didn’t want to say it out loud and risk bursting into tears. That wasn’t an option. Ever.

Jack leaned in close, as if he was going to share a secret with me. “So, I heard you’re going out with Alex to Pagoda Palace. Just you and him.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know what you’re suggesting, Barakitten.”

“He hasn’t stopped talking about how you ignored his messages. It was a huge shitstorm,” Jack continued, as if I hadn’t made it clear that it was unlikely that anything would happen between Alex and me, “and because Rian and Zack aren’t around, I’ve been the one who has had to listen to it all.”

“Jack, not to be a bitch, but where’s Alex?” It’s better to be upfront and direct with Jack, otherwise I’ll be standing in the same spot for at least an hour.

“You’ve kept her for long enough, Jack.”

There he was: Alex Gaskarth. He wore a beanie over his messy bedhead and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, ripped skinny jeans, and worn in Converse All-Stars. He looked so at ease and I didn’t pull away first as his arms enveloped me in a warm embrace.

I knew better than to expect too much of others. But this was entirely new to me and I was falling fast without any armor to safeguard me from the prospect of mutual attraction. Some people call it infatuation, others say it’s fascination and I’m not going to agree or disagree. I liked to keep them guessing. Although I admit that I wasn’t heels over head but I wasn’t completely indifferent to the effect he had on me. I wasn’t mapping everything out yet there wasn’t much spontaneity involved either. I was merely wondering how this would end up and if the result would be something more than I’d bargained for.

As we talked over plates of Chinese food, as well as the fortune cookies the waitress gave after our meal, I finally gathered up the courage to break the news to Alex. “So, you know the guy I’ve been dating for the past year or whatever?”

Alex’s eyebrow rose, hesitant. “Yeah, the guy that Jack and I dubbed ‘King of the Supreme Douchebags?’”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Right. Him. Well, the reason why I’ve been avoiding you---and everyone else, in fact---is because he broke up with me. And I was feeling so shitty about it that I didn’t want anyone to be around me.” I blinked back tears recalling how much the breakup had messed with my emotional stability. I told him the full story and could practically feel the air vibrating and crackling with his anger at my ex-boyfriend.

“Tay, we couldn’t give a fuck less if you’re worried about upsetting us over that. We want to be there for you. I want to be there for you. If we wanted a hyperactive happy kid, well, that’s what Jack is for, right?” He winked, cracking open his fortune cookie. “Also, good riddance to King of the Supreme Douchebags. He’ll never be what you want. I’m glad you didn’t change to make him stay.”

I applied pressure onto the fortune cookie; it split into two pieces and I extracted the slip of paper within. “What does yours say?”

“Every exit is an entrance to another opportunity.” Alex turned the slip of paper over, mouthing his lucky numbers with a perplexed look. “What about yours?”

“Mine is blank and just has lucky numbers on the back.” I showed him the scrap and frowned. “What a copout.”

We left Pagoda Palace with our arms linked and during the drive home, I didn’t move away when Alex held my hand across the center console a few times. We’d look at each other and smile, then start talking about the usual topics like Rian and Cassadee, Zack’s latest attempt at being a cross between a daredevil and the next Bear Grylls, and even Jack’s tendency to tweet whilst drunk but inability to zip up his pants in that same moment. It was so easy to talk to Alex about anything and it made me wonder why I pushed away those feelings that had formed in my heart when we had collaborated on the alternate version of Kiss Me Again. It wasn’t just because I had been dating someone at the time; it was something else entirely. Maybe I feared rejection; maybe I feared ruining our friendship.

Regardless, I was so damn tired of being scared of making choices in my life.

“Well, here we are.” Alex had parked his car in my driveway, and I imagined Jordan and the rest of the guys trying to sneak a peek at us through the curtains like parents waiting for their kid to break curfew. Just the thought of it made me laugh. “Wait, what are you laughing about?”

“Nothing. Actually, something.” I shook my head. “It’s dumb. I was thinking of Jordan and the others watching us from the window.”

“Why would they do that?” Alex, for once, looked genuinely concerned.

“Relax. I thought of it because this was sort of a date. I mean, not a date. Because we’re friends. Just friends.” There you go, blurting shit out like a fool. Good job at trying to maintain a friendship.

“Right. Friends.” Alex adjusted his beanie and avoided my gaze.

“I’m gonna go before I say anything else that’s stupid,” I muttered, reaching for the door handle quickly.

“Wait, Tay, before you go…”

I looked back at him; specifically, his lips as he leaned in for a kiss. It was straight to the point and tender, which I appreciated because I was sure that my face was starting to turn red. “We should, uh, do this again sometime. If you want to, I mean.” I nodded, getting out the car and giving him a two finger salute.

“I’ll call you,” Alex said, gracing me with one of his signature toothy grins. I remembered referring to it as ‘The Alex Effect.’ It was the smile that could make anyone swoon. Because of this realization, I couldn’t believe we’d actually kissed and I didn’t think the guys would either. Or maybe they would, since they’d teased us mercilessly onset of the music video. This was a step in the right direction to heal from the breakup and I knew it.

“Right. Goodnight, Alex.”

“’Night, Tay.”

Once Alex’s car was out of sight and I had opened the door, I poked my head in and surveyed the room. It didn’t appear as if anyone was around. Maybe they were in their rooms; I wasn’t entirely sure. Then I heard someone curse and a bunch of other voices trying to shush them to be quiet. It was at that point that I knew they had seen it all and I’d have to explain myself.

“Alright, how much of that did you guys see?”

My answer? A bunch of high pitched voices trying to mimic how I sang Kiss Me Again.