Damn Regret, I'll Try to Forget
She Had Given Me the Power to Sit and Pretend
A year ago exactly, the moon was shining bright above us as we sat on the beach with our closest friends, partying into the late hours of the night. Everybody was having a great time and there was no denying it. My girlfriend, Katie, and I sat in the back of my old, beat up pickup truck parked on the edge of where the sand met the pavement. Drunk off the bitter taste of Budweiser and the inviting smell of Katie’s perfume, I was more drawn to her. Leaning into her neck and gently trailing my lips up to her ear was not the smartest thing considering our friends were watching our every move. But in that moment, I didn’t have a care in the world. But of course, Katie did.
She sighed and tore away from me. I thought she was going to start a fight, like she usually did when she had a few drinks in her, but instead she gripped my hand and pulled me out of the back of my truck. Katie led us up to the cliff that bordered half of the beach. We were high above the rest of the world. Nobody knew where we were and it was exhilarating. We stood at the edge, holding hands looking down at the nearly black water at least thirty feet below us.
“I’m feeling adventurous, Lucas. When I count to three, we’re going to jump. Okay?” She smirked at me.
God that smirk. She knew I’d agree to every request when she used that smirk, so that’s what got me counting to three standing on a cliff, drunk, about to jump into freezing cold water below us.
Before I knew it, Katie hit three and leapt. I quickly followed her and I was hit with an immediate adrenaline rush. All the fears I had prior vanished as I felt my body collide with the water. The cold water sent my body into a state of shock, but it was worth it once I surfaced and was met with Katie’s beaming green eyes and pearly white smile. She swam over to me and placed a chaste kiss to my eager lips.
That was the last good day that I had with Katie. Everyday after the beach party, we fought, and fought, and fought. There was absolutely no winning with her. Everything I did was wrong. But I loved Katie, so I but up with her constant nagging. I put up with it for two more months, because once those two months were up, it was our three year anniversary. I was going to propose to Katie because 1. I really did love her, 2. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and 3. I thought it would help our relationship.
After work on that day, I rushed home, only to discover that Katie had been cheating on me. My original plan of finally getting down on one knee had gone out the window along with my dignity.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. Katie jumped up off of our couch and ran over to me telling me that it wasn’t what it looks like. She was straddling some random guy on our couch, kissing him passionately, but again, it wasn’t what it looked like. Without a single word, I left the ring on our coffee table and walked out the door. That night I didn’t even return home. I ended up staying at my parents’ house. I immediately began looking for a new apartment. And I only returned to that wretched apartment to collect my belongings when I knew for sure Katie would be out. It pained me to walk into the apartment that we once shared, the apartment where we talked about starting a family someday, the apartment where I knew I was safe from the world with the love of my life.
About two weeks after the incident, I returned to the apartment one last time to get the last of my stuff when I saw a letter on the counter, clearly written in Katie’s handwriting. Resting on the letter was the ring I had left her. It took a few minutes to gain the courage to read the letter, but once I finished it, I wished I had just torn it up and threw it out.
It read:
“Dear Luke,
I know what I did was messed up. I love you with all of my heart, I do. But clearly, I wasn’t happy anymore. I thought me picking fights all of the time would have persuaded you to leave me, but clearly it did the opposite. I wish you would have given me the chance to explain myself instead of letting three years go down the drain without a single word, but I understand why you did what you did. I hope one day we can move on from this. You were not only my boyfriend, Lucas, but you were my best friend.
Love Always,
Katie”
Ten months after finding the letter Katie had left me, I was finally starting to get over her. I tried figuring out where I went wrong, but I came up short. But after finding Katie cheating on me, I had changed myself. After spending the past three years of my life in a serious relationship, I missed out on all the fun my friends were having. Now, I was ready to forget her and move on.
After entering the real world again, I was scared. I was scared because talking to new people was something I wasn’t accustomed to anymore. I wanted her to be entering the world with me, holding my hand and proving to the world that she was mine. That made me weak. I wanted to be able to do things on my own without her being my safety net, but I was alone.
I walked down the street, making my way towards a new restaurant a few blocks away from my house. I was going to meet with the guys for the first time since Katie and I ended things. Walking down the street, I heard girls walking behind me, in front of me, quite frankly they were everywhere. I kept turning around in hopes of seeing Katie. The sound of footsteps were taking over my senses, but to no avail, none of the women walking were Katie. I relished on the fact that we lived in the same vicinity of each other still, but there was no sign of her anywhere. In a sense, I knew that that was a good thing.
I cleared my mind once again and walked into the restaurant. I immediately spotted my friends. But then at the table behind their’s, I spotted her. Katie.
She quickly spotted me as well and began prancing over to me. Watching her gave me a rush of adrenaline and my gut was telling me to turn and run. But by the time she reached me, my feet were still firmly planted on the marble floor.
“Hello, Lucas,” she smiled and tried embracing me into a hug.
“What do you want, Katie?” I questioned as I quickly stepped back.
“I just wanted to see how you were, that’s all,” she stated sympathetically.
“Katie, why do you even care? Don’t stand here and act like you do,” I retorted.
“But I do care, Luke,”
“No, Katie. You don’t. If you cared you would have never pulled that little stunt in the first place. We ended things and all I wanted to do was be with you, but I was left to fend for myself. After relishing on your actions, you basically persuaded me to let you go, and honestly I’m glad I did. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have friends to see and people to meet. Have a nice life, Katie.”
Without giving her the chance to respond, I walked away. I didn’t even turn around to see her reaction. At this point, I wasn’t as strong as I made myself out to be. But seeing Katie gave me the reassurance that I was ready to move on. I’ll never forget what Katie had done to me. But for now, she had given me the power to sit and pretend that everything was okay, at least for now.
She sighed and tore away from me. I thought she was going to start a fight, like she usually did when she had a few drinks in her, but instead she gripped my hand and pulled me out of the back of my truck. Katie led us up to the cliff that bordered half of the beach. We were high above the rest of the world. Nobody knew where we were and it was exhilarating. We stood at the edge, holding hands looking down at the nearly black water at least thirty feet below us.
“I’m feeling adventurous, Lucas. When I count to three, we’re going to jump. Okay?” She smirked at me.
God that smirk. She knew I’d agree to every request when she used that smirk, so that’s what got me counting to three standing on a cliff, drunk, about to jump into freezing cold water below us.
Before I knew it, Katie hit three and leapt. I quickly followed her and I was hit with an immediate adrenaline rush. All the fears I had prior vanished as I felt my body collide with the water. The cold water sent my body into a state of shock, but it was worth it once I surfaced and was met with Katie’s beaming green eyes and pearly white smile. She swam over to me and placed a chaste kiss to my eager lips.
That was the last good day that I had with Katie. Everyday after the beach party, we fought, and fought, and fought. There was absolutely no winning with her. Everything I did was wrong. But I loved Katie, so I but up with her constant nagging. I put up with it for two more months, because once those two months were up, it was our three year anniversary. I was going to propose to Katie because 1. I really did love her, 2. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and 3. I thought it would help our relationship.
After work on that day, I rushed home, only to discover that Katie had been cheating on me. My original plan of finally getting down on one knee had gone out the window along with my dignity.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. Katie jumped up off of our couch and ran over to me telling me that it wasn’t what it looks like. She was straddling some random guy on our couch, kissing him passionately, but again, it wasn’t what it looked like. Without a single word, I left the ring on our coffee table and walked out the door. That night I didn’t even return home. I ended up staying at my parents’ house. I immediately began looking for a new apartment. And I only returned to that wretched apartment to collect my belongings when I knew for sure Katie would be out. It pained me to walk into the apartment that we once shared, the apartment where we talked about starting a family someday, the apartment where I knew I was safe from the world with the love of my life.
About two weeks after the incident, I returned to the apartment one last time to get the last of my stuff when I saw a letter on the counter, clearly written in Katie’s handwriting. Resting on the letter was the ring I had left her. It took a few minutes to gain the courage to read the letter, but once I finished it, I wished I had just torn it up and threw it out.
It read:
“Dear Luke,
I know what I did was messed up. I love you with all of my heart, I do. But clearly, I wasn’t happy anymore. I thought me picking fights all of the time would have persuaded you to leave me, but clearly it did the opposite. I wish you would have given me the chance to explain myself instead of letting three years go down the drain without a single word, but I understand why you did what you did. I hope one day we can move on from this. You were not only my boyfriend, Lucas, but you were my best friend.
Love Always,
Katie”
Ten months after finding the letter Katie had left me, I was finally starting to get over her. I tried figuring out where I went wrong, but I came up short. But after finding Katie cheating on me, I had changed myself. After spending the past three years of my life in a serious relationship, I missed out on all the fun my friends were having. Now, I was ready to forget her and move on.
After entering the real world again, I was scared. I was scared because talking to new people was something I wasn’t accustomed to anymore. I wanted her to be entering the world with me, holding my hand and proving to the world that she was mine. That made me weak. I wanted to be able to do things on my own without her being my safety net, but I was alone.
I walked down the street, making my way towards a new restaurant a few blocks away from my house. I was going to meet with the guys for the first time since Katie and I ended things. Walking down the street, I heard girls walking behind me, in front of me, quite frankly they were everywhere. I kept turning around in hopes of seeing Katie. The sound of footsteps were taking over my senses, but to no avail, none of the women walking were Katie. I relished on the fact that we lived in the same vicinity of each other still, but there was no sign of her anywhere. In a sense, I knew that that was a good thing.
I cleared my mind once again and walked into the restaurant. I immediately spotted my friends. But then at the table behind their’s, I spotted her. Katie.
She quickly spotted me as well and began prancing over to me. Watching her gave me a rush of adrenaline and my gut was telling me to turn and run. But by the time she reached me, my feet were still firmly planted on the marble floor.
“Hello, Lucas,” she smiled and tried embracing me into a hug.
“What do you want, Katie?” I questioned as I quickly stepped back.
“I just wanted to see how you were, that’s all,” she stated sympathetically.
“Katie, why do you even care? Don’t stand here and act like you do,” I retorted.
“But I do care, Luke,”
“No, Katie. You don’t. If you cared you would have never pulled that little stunt in the first place. We ended things and all I wanted to do was be with you, but I was left to fend for myself. After relishing on your actions, you basically persuaded me to let you go, and honestly I’m glad I did. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have friends to see and people to meet. Have a nice life, Katie.”
Without giving her the chance to respond, I walked away. I didn’t even turn around to see her reaction. At this point, I wasn’t as strong as I made myself out to be. But seeing Katie gave me the reassurance that I was ready to move on. I’ll never forget what Katie had done to me. But for now, she had given me the power to sit and pretend that everything was okay, at least for now.