Better for You

“No – no - no. That’s – that’s not possible. I don’t have a – no that’s not... Mum? What? You’re my-? What?” I stammered. I walked backwards and shortly collided with my mum’s car. My shaking legs almost gave way so I sat on the bonnet of the car.

“It’s true.” My mum almost whispered but I could hear her words so loud and clear. Everything else was silent. The trees weren’t moving, the birds weren’t singing and the close road sounded distant; it was as if the world had stopped to watch the reality TV show that was now my life.

“How? That’s not possible – does dad know about this?” I asked her and her glassy eyes looked up and me as a tear fell down her cheek.

“Of course he knew… But I only told him how Daniel wanted to get to know us last week… That’s the complication that I was telling you about… I told him last week and like I said; it didn’t exactly improve his progress.” she told me, her voice was low and husky and embarrassment is clear in it.

“And when were you going to tell me about this?” I asked her, and she remained silent.

“You are unbelievable.” I told her, shaking my head and get up and go to get in the car before realising that it’s my mum’s car. Great. That’s fucking great.

“Daniel, could you please give me a lift back to my dorms. My car is being repaired and there is no way in hell that I would go home with her.” I asked, ignoring my mother.

“Izzy! Please can we talk about this?” My mum called out to me.

“You’ve had 19 years to talk to me about this, it’s too late now.” I replied.

“I’ll take you to the dorms, Izzy.” Daniel answered and I gave him a grateful smile in return. It was possible that Daniel is a stalking psychopath serial killer and I had just fallen straight into his trap, however I would still take that over going home with my mother any day.

I got in the car and he got in the other side. “So; you’re my brother.”

“Yes, I know it’s not the ideal way to find out, but yes.”

“Is there an ideal way to find out that you’ve had a brother for 19 years who was sent away and your parents never told you?” I asked him and he chuckled in return. He had a nice laugh, and dimples.

“I guess not. You know I never knew that I had a sister either; well not until I got into contact with your mum.” He said. Snow had begun to fall outside.

“How long have you been in contact with my mum – our mum?”

“A couple of months, I’m surprised that she hasn’t told you. I had been asking her if I could meet you but she always came up with an excuse.” He told me.

“Oh, it’s a right here by the way.” I quickly directed him and he nodded his head in response and turned right.

“So, how old are you?”

“23. Your mum had me when your dad and she were very young and so they sent me off for adoption.” He informed me. It was so strange having him tell me stuff about my parents that I should know. Now it feels like I don’t even know my parents at all.

“So did it not work out at your adopted family?” I asked and he shook his head.
For a few moments we were silent. The only sounds were from the heating that was blasting out at us and the noise of other cars passing us. “I don’t remember much about my first family; I was very little at the time. I just remember when my dad would shout at mum so much that walls would shake.” He told me and it reminded me of a few of my own memories at home.

“Before we moved to America my dad had an affair on mum. My dad had turned to alcohol because of the kind of messed up situation that he and my mum were in and I remember watching them from the banister on the stairs. I was 17 at the time but I had never felt more scared. They would scream at each other until my dad would either storm out of the house and to the bar or my mum would storm off to their bedroom and lock the door.” I revealed to him, staring out of the window. I never liked opening up to people but there was something about him and the way that he had opened up to me that made me want to let him in.

“The worst family I was at wasn’t the one that ignored me or the one that would hit me. The worst family was a family that was the ultimate poster family. They had two kids of their own that were younger than me. Anyway, one day the younger brother who was 8 began teasing me about how I was adopted. I was 12 at the time and tried to rise above it but then he said, “No-one wants you. Your own parents don’t want you” and so I snapped. I picked up the TV remote and threw it at his chest; I didn’t even throw it that hard… But then our parents came in and said something that I never forgot. They said, “How could you do that to our son?” So I ran away that night and eventually ended back up in the system.”

“Wow, kids can be mean.” I said, not really meaning it as a consolation but more as an open statement.

“Is this it?” He asked as he drove into the car park.

“Yea”

“Uhm, can I have your number? I know that we’ve only just met and that you don’t know much about me but I would like to get to know you.”

“Yes, of course.” I replied, taking out my phone and reading my number out to him. “Could you text me so that I could have yours too, please?” I asked and smiled and sent me text almost immediately saying ‘it’s Daniel’. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He said as I got out of the car.

“So, do you want to see my dorm?” I asked him and he offered me a smile as he got out of the car.

“Where did you study?”

“NYU. Now I’m working at a small radio station.” He told me as we made our way up the stairs.

“Really? I’d love to work in a radio station; it would be such a fun job.”

“Yea, it is a pretty cool job. What do you want to be when you’ve finished college?” He asked as we reached my door.

“Well...” I began as I took out my key. “I’d like to go into journalism, preferably in the field of- Oh!” I said as I opened the door. There are many things that I was expecting to see, but Harry sat on my bed and drinking out of a bottle of some kind of alcohol was certainly not one of them. Harry looked so goddamn perfect that it hurt to look at him. Seeing him healed and broke my heart (once again) into a million tiny pieces. Just looking at him hurt. I needed to get him to give me back the key to my dorm.

Harry was staring at me with wide eyes which darted between Daniel and I. “Look Izzy, I should get going. I’ll text you, yea?” Daniel asked.

“Yea.” I answered, flashing him a quick smile and hugging him before he left.

“What are you doing here Harry?” I asked him, moving to sit down on my bed as my head was beginning to hurt after the events of today and the crash.

“I wanted to see you.” He said, getting up from Abby’s bed and walking over to me. “Have you seriously moved on already?” He asked with anger clear in his voice but I could also hear the hurt dancing on his tongue.

“Moved on? Why would you think that?” I backfired, a little anger in my voice.

“Well who was that guy?” Harry pushed.

“He’s, well, it’s complicated.” I sighed, lying backwards onto my bed.

“Really? That’s what you’re giving me?! ‘It’s complicated’! Bullshit Izzy! He’s your new fucking
boyfriend isn’t he?!” Harry shouted, pointing his index finger at me in anger.

“No!” I shouted back. “He’s my… He’s my brother.” I said quietly.

“What?” Harry asked, this time his voice was a lot softer.

“My mum and dad have been lying to me for the last 19 years of my life.” I whispered. “They sent him out for adoption when they were younger and never thought to tell me. She- she…” I trailed off, my voice closing up. Harry sat down next to me and instinctively wrapped his arms around me; I didn’t have the will to remove them from me.

“Shh, don’t cry.” He whispered soothingly. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head on his chest without thinking twice.

“My mum wasn’t even going to tell me.” I sobbed and Harry tightened high grip around me.
After a few minutes of crying the tears stopped. Slowly I lifted my face from Harry’s chest and his arms loosened around my waist and fell to his sides. I immediately missed the feeling of his arms around me.

“I’ve made your chest all wet now.” I said with a small laugh and Harry smiled fondly while looking down at it.

“Don’t worry about that. What happened to your arm?” He asked curiously as he cocked his head to the side.

“I was in a car crash.”

“What?! When? Are you ok? What happened?” He stammered with a raised voice.

“It was raining and I was a little bit distracted when driving and so didn’t break in time. My car should
be fixed by Wednesday and I’ve now got stitches and a fractured arm.” I informed him.

“Are you in pain?”

“Yes, but not from the crash.” I replied quietly and I saw what appeared to be guilt flash in his eyes.

“Izzy, I am so so sorry about what I did.” He told me, his voice sounding sincere. “I’ve done a lot of shit in my life but hurting you, it was the worst mistake that I have ever made.”

“I saw you, the other day; after I met you in the woods. I was driving past and I saw you getting into a fight with a guy.” I said randomly. Harry opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out. “I don’t like that crowd Harry; they don’t seem like a nice group of people.”

“They’re not. They’re total dicks.” He answered.

“Then why do you hang around with them? I figured that you had stopped after we started going out.”

“I did, but after I saw you at the woods you looked so broken that I realised that I had done so much damage to you that you deserve better than to be with someone like me. Someone who screws up at every corner. I figured that if I got high then I wouldn’t be able to feel the heart-break. And that maybe if I couldn’t feel the heart break then I wouldn’t miss you.”

“And did it work?”

“Yes, for a couple of seconds. For a couple of seconds I was feeling fine. And then I realised that if I was with you then I would be more than fine – I would be happy. And so I decided that I wasn’t going to waste my life getting high and that I was going to get you back somehow… I just don’t know how.”

Silence took over the room as I let his words soak in.

“I-I want to be with you Harry. I love you. I love you now and I will love you until my very last days. But that’s not the issue. I need to trust you again. I need to be able to trust that you’re not going to hurt me again because I don’t think that I’ll survive another heart break, I honestly don’t.” I confessed honestly while avoiding his gaze.

“Well how to I gain back your trust?” He asked and as I looked into his eyes I saw need and determination shining clearly through them.

“Become a better person. Show me that you’re a better person.”

“It’s not that simple though Izzy-“ Harry began before I interrupted him.

“Yes it is that simple Harry. You become a better person. You make better choices. You come clean about secrets that you’ve been keeping. You show me the skeletons in your closet. And you fight for me Harry. I need you to fight for me; fight for us.”

“Izzy, my past is dark. I have a tonne of skeletons in my closet. Opening up to you… I want to do it but I can’t.” Harry said, his eyebrows furrowed as a frown took over his face.

“I did it to you Harry. I told you about my parents. I told you about my childhood. Hell I even told you
about my brother and we’re not even together! I did it Harry. I need you to let me all the way in.”

“I have let you in more than I have ever let anyone in in my life, Izzy. I love you with everything that I have and-“He said in a rushed voice but stopped suddenly.

“And what?” I pushed.

“And I’m scared that if I let you all the way in then you’ll see how messed up I am and you won’t want me anymore and you’ll leave me.” He confessed and it was almost as if I could see a part of his
wall chipping away.

“Harry, after everything that you have put me through I am still here, fighting; fighting for us. I’m not going anywhere Harry, not unless you tell me too… And even then I probably won’t.” I told him, finishing with a light laugh.

“Ok then, what do you want to know?”