Better for You

“Everything.” I responded almost immediately. Harry seemed a little taken aback by my sudden answer so my eyes nervous dropped to watch my fingers as they fiddled with the rip on my jeans.

“Well, when I was 14 my parents divorced and that was a pretty shitty time, as you know, I turned to the wrong group of people and my sister… well she commit suicide… That was probably the hardest period in my life and what pulled me trough was a girl. Jade. She had a reputation in school but she was so damn hot and I understood her. She was a bitch to everyone, slept around and got drunk at every opportunity but I understood her. I was in the same place and somehow she managed to push me out of it.” he told me, pausing to look around the room as I picked at the black nail polish that was chipping away whilst trying to ignore that slight jealousy that was stirring inside of me as I considered being Harry in-love with someone else.

“And to cut a long story short, I fell head over arse for her while she slept around with pretty much the entirety of the school behind my back. So, that really fucking sucked and that’s what caused me to give up on love. So I got this notorious bad boy image and I kinda liked it, people knew me. People knew to not mess with me. I learnt to not trust people and people learnt to not trust me. I got into fights – a lot of them. Eventually my mum got sick of my attitude I guess and sent me back to England to live with my grandma for a year or so to try to sort out my attitude.”

“Did it work?” I asked curiously.

“Yea, well when I was there at least. I always had a soft spot for my gran and I didn’t want to let her down so I kind of calmed down a bit, I guess. Unfortunately a few months in she passed away due to a stroke in the middle of the night. I woke up the following morning and found her dead body on her bed and that caused something in me to break. My mum flew out the following day and we both grieved together for a couple of days and then the day following the funeral we flew back to the US. A few weeks later I fell back into my old ways of partying and I guess that that continued through to college… until you. I became better, for you. I know that what I did was terrible but I was just trying to stick to my whole ‘love sucks’ thing and I didn’t really care – not until I got to know you.” Harry revealed, and as he finished a look of vulnerability took over his handsome face and it took all of my strength to not kiss the look away.

He used you.

He played you.

He hurt you.

“Wow.” I stated after a couple of seconds. “That’s a lot for one person to go through in such a short period of time.” Now everything that made Harry so Harry was beginning to come together.

“Yea, I didn’t have much of a childhood. My dad was always a bit of a prick but I always had my mates like Zayn.”

“You knew Zayn before college?”

“Yea, we’ve been close since middle school. He was the only friend that I kept in contact with while I was in England.” He told me and I nodded in return.

“Can I ask you a question about Zayn?”

“Sure.”

“How does he feel about Andy?” I asked and Harry’s expression immediately turned sour. “I mean, he put her through a lot of shit but like, does he care about her? Did he ever care about her?”

“Zayn would kill me for telling you this, but yea he still cares. He never cared about anyone until Andy. But he still had his reputation and despite his strong feelings for her, he didn’t want to ruin his reputation and so he acted like a bit of a dick to her when they were around other people. When they broke up he came to me straight away and was telling me how he couldn’t get her out of his mind. I told him that he sounded like he was in-love with her and well Zayn reacted to that by trying to prove me wrong and so slept with Lucy. I was right though and although he’d never admit it, he knows it too.”

“Why can’t he give up his reputation and just apologise?” I asked frustrated. I knew that Andy still had strong feelings for Zayn; that much was obvious. She deserved at least an apology from Zayn.

“He feels like without his reputation he doesn’t have anything.”

“He’d have Andy.”

“He doesn’t see it that way, though.”

“Do you?” I asked and Harry was silent for a couple of seconds.

“I did. It took losing you for me to see what little it really is. I don’t care much for what people think about me anymore. I am who I am, no excuses.”

Of course that was when Andy decided to call and cause London Bridge by Fergie to blare through my
phone’s speakers and ruin the peaceful minutes that Harry and I had previously shared. I gave harry a look, silently asking if I could take it and he shrugged in response.

“Hey.” I answered, getting up from the bed.

“Hey, you’ll never guess what?!”

“What?” I asked, beginning to pace up and down my dorm.

“You have to guess!”

“I don’t know; you ran into Taylor Swift?” I asked her and heard Andy sigh on the other end of the line and Harry chuckle to himself lightly. His laugh is such a pretty sound. It was only a short chuckle that he granted with but I could feel it resonating through me.

“If only! No, but Abby and Niall are a thing!” Andy squealed and I winced, momentarily pulling the phone away from my ear.

“Oh yea, that.”

“What do you mean – oh my God! You totally knew about it, didn’t you! You totally knew about it and
didn’t say a word to me!”

“Well, in my defence I was sworn to secrecy.” I replied as I noticed Harry get up from the bed. “Hold on for a sec Andy,” I told her, removing my phone from my ear. “Are you leaving?” I asked Harry.

“Yea, it’s getting late and I know that once you start talking to Andy she just doesn’t stop.”

“Ok, well um, I guess that I’ll see you around.” I told him and he gave me a curt nod and a tight smile which appeared to be hiding a thousand thoughts that were clearly whizzing through his mind, however I didn’t mention it and simply watched as he left the room.

“Izzy.” Andy’s tone was warning and I rolled my eyes as I plonked myself (rather ungracefully) on my bed.

“Andy” I echoed, mimicking her voice and tone.

“Izzy was that Harry I heard in the background?” She asked with accusation clear in her voice.

“Uhm, I don’t know… Uhm, it’s cold outside now. I was freezing to the bone outside when I was with my moth-“ I stopped mid-sentence as I realised what my topic change had just led to and red warning signs were blaring in my head.

“That is an awful topic change Izzy. You’re as smooth as Abby’s dog Keith.” Abby told me and I snorted at the mention of good old Keith. The dog was a klutz and I remember Abby’s mum complaining how he’d constantly bump into her furniture and knock things off of the table. There was
one time that he’d apparently nudged at the table cloth on their dining room table and knocked all of their food on the floor. “But I’m being serious Iz. What does he have to do for you to finally give up on him?”

“I just…” I began but my throat was tightening up and no words seemed to leave my mouth. What was I supposed to say to that? She was right. I know she’s right. She knows I know she’s right. I know she knows I know she’s right. She knows I know she knows I know she’s right. “He keeps coming back Andy. It’s my weakness. He’s my weakness. It’s his eyes, his voice and his smile. His laugh. His goddamn laugh.”

“But he’s bad for you.” She spoke; it was so quiet that I almost didn’t hear her.

“I know he is.” I returned with a pause, “But he’s also good for me.”

“Izzy”

“I know that it sounds stupid but it’s true.”

There was a beat of silence but it was filled with understanding and I somehow knew that Andy knew that I was right and for some reason something inside of my seemed to light up at the thought. Hope. That’s what it was.

“Is it worth it?” She asked after what felt like hours. “is it worth it to feel so alive when he’s with you but so dead when he’s not. I know that you’re not going to like this, but is it healthy? Is it healthy to be so dependent on someone that you happiness is based entirely on theirs?”

And there it was again. The silence. The understanding.

I awoke to a buzzing sound of vibrations on my bedside table; someone calling. With a sigh and a low grumble I declined the call before turning over and trying to fall asleep again. But there it was again. This time I growled before declining it. Who calls at whatever this hour? The sun has only just risen so it can’t be too far into the day.

I closed my eyes to try to fall asleep, once again, inhaling a deep breath before allowing my mind to wander into the sea of dreams.

But no.

This caller was relentless.

This caller had other ideas. And I was done ignoring it and beyond pissed off. If your call gets declined twice its common sense that the recipient does not want to talk. Clearly this caller has not got the message.

So I answered the phone and gruffly answered “What do you want?” my voice certainly sounded
pissed off due to my morning off and annoyance at whomever it was who disturbed my slumber.

“Darling,” that was all it took. I hung up. My mother was the person who disturbed my sleep. My mother.

She tried calling again and so I switched my phone onto aeroplane mode.

Izzy 1 : 0 Mother

I was in a bad mood now. I clenched my fists and got out of bed and got changed. I wasn’t in the mood to impress anyone so I changed into a red oversized jumper and black ripped jeans. I didn’t bother with any make-up because I was just really not in the mood. But as my eyes rifted over my earings an idea came to mind. I put earings into my three piercings on each ear before thumbing over my cartilage with the traces of a smile on my lips.

My mum had always tried to talk out of getting my cartilage pierced, something about it looking scruffy. She didn’t mind me getting lobe pierced but the second I talked about my cartilage pierced she shut down the conversation claiming that it ‘would give off a bad impression’ or something. I had never been too bothered about it. But now the urge to get it pierced was overwhelming.

I walked out of the shop with a red ear and a stoic face, but in the inside I was smiling. It was like I had cut off a string that attached myself to my mum and I felt happy about that. It hurt. Fuck did it hurt but that was probably because my pain tolerance had never been too great. I remember getting my ears done the first time and how painful I found that. And then the time that I got one of my friends from secondary school to pierce a second piercing into my ear in year 11. That hurt like a bitch. I wasn’t in contact with my friends from England anymore we just went our separate ways and grew up.

I got into my car and drove back to my dorm. I was beginning to miss everyone, especially Abby; there was no fun in returning to an empty room.

I sang along to Melanie Martinez’s album on the way home. Sippy cup came up and I turned up the volume allowing the words to fill the car as I basked in the truth of the song and how it related to my life. No my mum is not an alcoholic who has killed my father because of his affair, but I just felt a connection with the dark honesty of the song.

I sighed as I parked my car and unplugged my phone from the cord that attached it to the car and noticed a message from Daniel asking how I was which I replied with a polite, ‘I’m good thanks, you?x’.

I kept my head down on my way up the stairs to the dorm until I reached my floor where my mum was standing outside my door. Her head immediately flicked to me and guilt flooded her eyes. My feet quickly turned my body around and I began walking away from her and down the stairs. I was not ready for this chat. Not yet.

“Izzy” She called out. “Goodness Izzy, don’t make me run after you because you know I will.” She called out after me, “you never were one for running.” She reminded me. Damn her and her morning
runs.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now mum. I’m not ready for that.” I told her firmly but my legs stopped moving and my feet rooted me into the floor.

“Just let me explain, please.” She pleaded, trying to stare at me in the eyes but my eyes flickered around the room trying to avoid contact with her eyes at all costs.

“Not now. I need some space from you at the moment.” I told her and despite my vigorous attempts at avoiding eye contact I could still see the hurt and disappointment flickering in her eyes in my peripheral vision.

“You pierced your cartilage. Isabella! The one thing that I told you not to do and you did it! Is this your way of rebelling against me now?!” She asked with a raised voice and embarrassment flooded my cheeks as a senior walked past me on the hallway and walked down the stairs, clearly hearing my chastisement from my mother.

“Mother, I am an adult. I am allowed to make decisions on what to do on my body without your permission. You didn’t need my permission when you lied to my face for 18 years straight so why on earth should I need yours before I make a small hole in my ear?!” I replied with a raised voice, but careful not to be too loud in case other people on my floor heard me. I did not want the whole block knowing that I was having ‘mummy issues’. After saying my point I walked straight past my mum, unlocked my door and went into my dorm, slamming the door behind me.

Blood still stains when the sheets are washes,
Sex don’t sleep when the lights are off.
Kids are still depressed when you dress them up,
and syrup is still syrup in a sippy cup