Better for You

I was stunned. What did Zayn want with Andy? I know that he probably loved her but if he truly loved her then surely he wouldn’t want to cause her the pain of having to face him and what he did…?

“How?” Niall asked with concern lacing his voice.

“I don’t know… He just um, he said that he misses me and something about talking to Harry about
reputation and um…” She took a deep breath and her eyes lowered and scanned the carpet as she twiddled her fingers nervously. “He said he wanted me back.”

“What did you say?” I asked, slowly approaching her, worried that she might get shocked by any sudden movements.

“Nothing, I-I hung up before he could say anything else.” Andy answered and I captured her frail frame in my arms trying to calm her. The room was silent for a couple of seconds when I felt a drop of water on my shoulder, she had begun crying. Hesitantly, I ushered her into the kitchen to give her some privacy before she broke down.

“Hey, hey, I get it Andy. Believe me I do.” I whispered reassuringly to her as tears began falling down at a faster rate and she began gasping for air.

“I just. He – I wasn’t expecting it. I haven’t talked to him since he said all of that stuff at the hospital and I – god. I keep trying to move on with my life. I don’t want him to have this hold on me and I keep trying to escape it; to escape him… But I…I still love him and I hate myself for it.” Andy rambled as she began covering her face with her hands.

“The heart wants what it wants Andy… You control how you feel about someone – it doesn’t work that way.”

“But you can control who hurts you, right? And so it is my fault. It is all my fault!” Her entire body was shaking when she uttered this and she had to hold onto the kitchen counter to prevent her body from
collapsing.

“Andy, don’t you say that – you couldn’t have known that he was going to turn out like that-“

“But everyone told me to stay away from him. I even told myself to stay away from him. Izzy, I wasn’t forced to be with him. I chose to be with him which means that I chose to become a victim to any pain that he inflicted on me. It’s my fault! Surely you get what I mean? You and Harry are pretty much a repeat of what happened between Zayn and I except you were foolish enough to go further than I we-“

“Andy-“ I cut her off, before she could say anymore. “Don’t take this out on me.”

“But you are worse! I warned you. I told you what happened between Zayn and I and you STILL went ahead and got with Harry! And look what happened; history repeated.” Andy spat and I gasped in shock that this was the same Andy who I was talking to just 10 minutes ago.

“I’m going to go.” I said, trying hard to not show any emotion before turning and leaving her in the kitchen. I stormed out of the building, ignoring the stares of everyone in the living room and went
straight to my car.

The second I got in my car I let tears spill down my cheeks as I fell apart. I couldn’t believe that Andy could be so insensitive over my very recent scars from my break-up with Harry. Maybe I was overreacting slightly and it was my hormones causing me to react in such an emotional way however I was hurt. Andy had caught me completely off guard with her verbal attack on me and I needed to mend those wounds.

Without a second thought I decided that I should go on a walk to try and get used to the surroundings of where we were staying and to also blow off some steam. It was cold outside in New York and I was contemplating driving instead of walking but I know that the traffic would be a bitch and I just wanted to walk.

So I took out my headphones and phone and began walking while listening to Taylor Swift. There is no problem that Taylor Swift cannot solve.

I must have been walking for at least an hour and a half when I came across a deserted park. It was so lonely due to the cold keeping the children from playing in it and I decided to take a break from walking and go on the swings.

As I sat on the swings I was reminded of my life as a child back in England and how much sampler it was back then. My parents were happy, I had no boyfriend issues, and I didn’t have the problems of hormones. Yes, I may have been a moody pig at times for my parents but my mood swings did not have the same effect on me that they do now.

And then I thought about Daniel’s childhood. And I thought of the Christmases that he had spent alone, and all of the times when he felt un-loved and not wanted.

It was unfair. I had a great childhood and Daniel’s childhood sucked and it was unfair.

Then I thought about Harry and I wondered how he spent his Christmases and how his childhood changed after his sister died. I had no idea how he got over the death of his sister at such a young age… I know that if that was me I would have been destroyed.

Then I wondered how Harry was spending his Christmas this year… Was he all alone? Was he with his mother – he didn’t speak of her much but surely he’d be spending Christmas with his family…? I know that I’m not spending Christmas with my family but that’s for a number of reasons the main one being that I can’t stand my mother right now and my dad is in rehab.

I wonder if they will let him out this Christmas? I wonder if he’ll sit at the table with my mother and they’ll eat together as if nothing had changed. I wonder if they’ll invite Daniel to have Christmas with them…

I was disturbed from my thoughts when my phone began vibrating in my hand. I answered the call and Liam’s voice immediately asked, “Izzy, where are you? It’s been 2 hours!”

“Just walking around.”

“Well can you come back? We’re worried about you and are about to order an Indian – Niall’s starving.” Liam asked and I nodded when suddenly I realised that I had no idea where I was.

“Actually, I um… I don’t know how to get back.”

“Well where are you?”

“I-I was walking around and then I saw this park and… and it was s-so lonely and there were swings and so I went on the swings…” I trailed off when a shiver raced through me; it was so cold. “I’m at a park.

“Are you near a road?”

I listened intently and when I heard cars I answered yes and Liam told me that he would be there in 5 minutes before hanging up.

I continued to swing on the swing as I waited for Liam to pick me up. Then it started raining and I was so cold.

I didn’t even notice Liam arrive at the park, it was only when he began shaking my shoulders that I noticed his body in front of mine. “Izzy! What’s the matter with you? Why are you crying? Come on let’s get you inside of the car, you’re freezing.” Liam rushed as he began ushering me towards the car. I was crying?

“She was right.” I spoke, and when I heard my voice it sounded hoarse and foreign.

“What? Who was?”

“Andy. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Harry, it was inevitable that my heart would be broken.” I spoke and I could hear the numbness in my voice. I was reminded of that night when I found out about Harry and I was suddenly drawn to the idea of being numb so that I couldn’t feel the pain.

“Look, I may not have liked Harry or what he did to you, but there must have been something about him that made you fall in-love with him. There must have been some good.”

“Maybe I was wrong to think that there was good in him. I thought that he was good but he was… he was bad and mean and so was mum… and dad.”

“What do you mean about your par-“

“Maybe there is a darkness in everyone. Some people refuse to acknowledge it as a part of them and seldom use it. And some people let it become them, maybe they’re weak or in pain, but they succumb to the darkness. And then there are those who are dark and do bad things but disguise that darkness from everyone else – they’re the worst people of all. They pretend to be something that they are not. Harry I knew would hurt me so I guess it was my fault but my mum and dad… I never saw that coming.”

By the time that we got inside the car my entire body was shaking from the cold and if I was in my correct state of mind I would have worried about the threat of hypothermia.

“Izzy, I don’t know that happened but if there’s something that you need to tell me then you know that I’m here… right?” Liam told me and I nodded and turned the heat in the car onto full blast. Liam put his hand on my shoulder reassuringly as he drove however flinched as his skin came into contact with mine. “Jesus Izzy! You’re freezing!”

“It’s cold outside.” I told him and he chuckled.

“Well it’s a New York winter; you can’t be expecting sunny skies, can you?”

“It’s just so cold and I’m so cold and it hurts. The coldness, I mean, it hurts.” I told him as I noticed that we were nearing the apartment. Liam’s phone suddenly began buzzing and he asked me to pick it up to see who it was.

When I saw the ID I a picture of Liam with his arm wrapped around a girl and their tongues sticking out playfully appeared on the screen. “It um, it says Ruth?” I stated yet asked him and a fond smile came across his face as I mentioned the name.

“Oh, I’ll call her when we get home” He replied.

“Who is it? Do you have a girlfriend that you haven’t told me about?” I teased him as I let a smile form on my lips, it may have only been a small smile but it was a smile nonetheless.

“No, no, no, no! No! She’s my younger sister!” He explained while laughing at my assumption but my face suddenly hardened. Daniel… That could have been us.

Liam parked the car and suddenly I couldn’t breathe and my hands were shaking uncontrollably.

“Woah Izzy! Izzy calm down, shh.” Liam suddenly said as he wrapped his arms around me. “Hey, why are you crying?”

“Daniel… I can’t… I’m so angry!” I tried to explain through my tears.

“What? I’m Liam, you know; you’re amazing and awesome best friend!” Liam joked, obviously trying
to lighten the air.

“No… It’s not you… It’s her – my mother.” I spat out her name, it tasted like venom on my tongue.

“What? What did your mum do, Izzy?” Liam asked with an uncertain tone.

“She – lied. God she’s such a hypocrite and I hate her! I hate her so much!” I said, my voice getting stronger as my tears transformed from ones of sadness to ones of anger. “She lied! She lied so badly and she wasn’t even going to tell me about him! I had a right to know him, and she took that away from me!” I was shouting by this point and my voice was ringing in my ears and becoming overwhelming in the small vehicle.

“Izzy, calm down. What do you mean? What was your mother lying about?” Liam asked softly.

“Daniel.”

“Who’s Daniel?”

“My brother.” Liam’s face turned to one of shock and confusion at my revelation.

“What-but you don’t have a brother I thought… But-“

“I didn’t know about him until a couple of days ago. My mum sent him off for adoption before I was born and wasn’t even going to tell me! My brother, my own flesh and blood and she didn’t tell me!” I yelled and then I remembered Liam and the photo of him and his sister. “She made me miss out on so much stuff Liam! He’s my brother and he’s a stranger and it’s all her fault.” I whispered and Liam’s face looked apologetic and concerned.

“Izzy – I’m so sorry; I had no idea – none of us had any idea… Why didn’t you tell us?” Liam asked softly.

“Because, it’s not exactly the kind of news that you reveal over the phone…” I answered, wiping away
my tears and inhaling a deep breath. “We should, um, probably go inside.” I muttered quietly but Liam must have heard it as he collected his phone and keys and got out of the car.

The walk up to the apartment was made in silence and it was nice to let the silence surround us without any tension.

When we reached the apartment I quietly thanked Liam for both the lift and for simply being there for me before I took off in the direction of the spare room which my suitcase had been put in while ignoring the stares of everyone in the living room. I probably looked a state, I never great when crying and I was probably as white as paper due to my body still being frozen.

The room had little decoration; the room was mainly white other than the wooden blinds and floor. I took a seat on the bed and tried to control my mind but I was still recovering from my breakdown in Liam’s car… I would have to tell the rest of the guys now… But not today – There’s been too much drama for myself today and I don’t know if I could handle anymore.

A knock sounded on my door and I quickly wiped my cheeks free from the traces of tears and inhaled deeply before opening the door. As I opened that door I was met with the face of a remorseful Andy.

“Can we talk?”

“Andy, I’m kind of tired now – how about we talk tomorrow?” I wasn’t lying completely, I was tired, but I was also starving and there was no way that I was going to go to sleep on an empty stomach.

“I’m so sorry Izzy, please just hear me out? I was completely out of line to say that to you I was just so mad and angry at Zayn for bringing up all of these past emotions and reminding me that I’m still
not over him… Not that that’s an excuse for what I said.” Andy rambled and I nodded meekly in reply.

“You were right Andy. I got myself in this mess with Harry, ok? You were right.” I told her dejectedly before turning and walking towards my bed.

“What, no! Izzy, you did not get yourself into this mess with Harry! It was not your fault for what happened!” Andy told me with a strong voice as she marched over to me sat beside me on my bed.

“The pain that was inflicted on me was my fault Andy. If I had just left him alone like everyone told me I would not have got hurt. I was playing with fire and I got burned. It was my fault – you can’t blame a flame for burning someone – it’s what they do.” I explained and Andy frowned as she heard my words.

“Izzy, you tried to help him. You didn’t force him to say all of those loving words, did you? Just like you didn’t force Harry to ruin your relationship – that was all him.” Andy clarified and I smiled weakly at her as her words hit home. She was right; I am not to blame for Harry’s actions. “Izzy… Can I ask you something…?”

“Uhm… sure?”

“Why were you talking with Harry when I called? I’m not judging you; it’s just that with Zayn and me we seem to have similar parallels in our relationships.” She asked softly with a light chuckle at the end.

“Well I found out something really big and horrible and he was there for me…” I told her and Andy frowned, probably upset that I hadn’t come to her.

“Oh.”

“Andy, I have something that I need to tell you… but I’d rather repeat it as fewer times as possible so would it be alright if I tell you in the other room with everyone? It’s just that it’s kind of big news and I should probably tell you all at once rather than have to repeat it to you all individually?”

“Oh crap; you’re pregnant, aren’t you?! Oh no – Izzy, you’re too young for this-“ Andy rambled before I interrupted her.

“No! I’m not pregnant, Jesus, Andy!”

“Oh thank goodness for that, I’m not ready to be an aunty just yet… Wait, so what is it then? Have you joined the mafia? Are you addicted to drugs? Are you having murderous thoughts?”

“Believe me, you would not guess this news if I gave you ten years to figure it out.” I told Andy in an attempt to put an end to her wild thoughts.

“What is it then?”

“You’ll see.”