Status: Thank you so much for reading! Comments would be greatly appreciated!
As Delicate as a Flower
The Start
"No Mum, I do not need any more money. No, it's not because I don't need you. Well its because I've been pacing myself. Yes I have been eating. Yes. Yes. Okay. I love you too. Yes Rian says hello as well. Yes. Yes. Tell Ethan I hope he feels better. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes I know. Okay. I love you too. Okay. Okay bye. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Nope. Alright, I love you too. Okay. Bye." I pressed the off button on my phone and plopped down onto the couch in the flat.
"Dear me! That was worse than usual!" Rian laughed.
"I told her to tell Ethan to feel better for me and she started going off on me! 'Samantha, you know your brother is sick! He can't just feel better!'. I just sat there like yes I know. Please go away now." Rian laughed again and I leaned my head forward for a moment before standing up and walking to the bathroom for a shower.
The hot water produced a thick steam almost instantly and a shiver went up my back. I don't know how long I stood there until the voices started again, but they came as they always did and I greeted Ana, Mia, and Cat with the only way I knew how. Fingers down my throat and a blade to my arm.
You're worthless. You're fat. You shouldn't be eating at all. You can eat when your thin.
The endless streams of torment was worse than usual, and so therefore the cuts were too.
I got out of the shower and wrapped a fluffy blanket around my midsection and slipped into my room. I slid into leggings and a tee-shirt with a cardigan and rolled the cardigan up enough to inspect the damage.
"Shit." I swore. A knock came to my door.
"Sammy? Are you okay?" Rian asked me.
"Uhhh.....yea no..." I was digging around for bandaids and didn't even hear Rian open the door.
"Sammy, I'd like you to meet someone. This is- Holy shit. Sam!" I turned and looked first and the blood that was dripping onto the floor, and second at Rian and her visitor.
"Hey..."
"Oh my god...I'm sorry...I can come back later?" the voice came from Louis, who was next to Rian in the doorway.
"Sam you promised me not again!" Rian ignored Louis and went into her own room, momentarily, and coming back with a suture kit. Ahh, the perks of having a nurse as your roommate when you're an unstable self-harming anorexic. I giggled a little and Rian pushed me to sit on the bed as she dragged a chair over.
"You promised me Sammy." Rian said shaking her head as she prepared me for stitches.
"This happens a lot?" Louis asked.
"Eh, depends on "a lot"." I giggled.
"It happens every few weeks. Maybe we need an at home nurse." Rian gave me a look. "Also, Sammy, this is my brother Louis, Lou, this is Sammy without her medication." Rian didn't even bother numbing me up. She told me the 3rd time she had to stitch me that if I was going to do this, she wasn't going to help ease the pain.
"Have you tried to get help?" Louis asked me.
"She does, and her therapist makes me go in with them. She said that as long as the cuts aren't in a dangerous spot to let it happen because until her medication issue gets fixed, if she can't cut she turns to overdosing." Rian is more like my mother sometimes than my friend.
"Oh..." Rian finishes the stitches and makes me clean up the blood as she sits on my bed with Louis.
"You think she's alright to go out?" Louis asks Rian.
"Of course. I told you, this is a common thing. She'll bounce back in like, 5 minutes. Now, where do you want to go?"
"Well the guys are having a huge dinner-slash-movie night thing at Niall and Harry's place."
I couldn't help but notice how un-phased they both were about this, and as I threw the last paper towel in the trash, I started to feel the weight of the world come back to me and fell to my knees. The feeling is like a boulder has run me over, and my free will has crumbled like the sand beneath the ocean.
Rian and Louis came out.
"Well, there we go. All back to normal? Rian laughed.
"Yes. Very too much normal." I wheezed. The weight of the world was crushing me.
"Alright, well we should get going." Louis announced looking at his watch.
"How far do they live from here?" Rian asks.
"Like 10 minutes." Louis laughed as "Little Things" came on the player in the car and he began to sing along. I yawned and leaned my head against the window before another song could come on and by the time we pulled into the driveway I was fighting sleep.
"Sammy, were here mate." Rian opened my door and I started to fall out of the car before I woke up and unbuckled myself, clumsily getting out of the vehicle.
"How you doing Sammy?" Rian asks me, her arm slung around my shoulders.
"I don't know how much longer I can stand this." I whispered.
"Just another week there starshine. Just another week. One week. 7 days. You can do that, easy."
"Rian! Sammy! Come one!" Louis was at the door, his body halfway wedged between the inside and the out as he turned towards us and started yelling for us to hurry.
"Alright everyone, this is Rian, my baby sister. And Rian's roommate, Sammy." Louis announced our arrival and I felt a deep blush crawl up my face.
But after a moment I stopped focusing on myself, and more on the brown hair, curly-q owning green eyed cherub that was grinning at my from a spot on the sofa, his dimples digging so deep into his face I thought I was imagining it.
"Hi" I squeeked.
"Dear me! That was worse than usual!" Rian laughed.
"I told her to tell Ethan to feel better for me and she started going off on me! 'Samantha, you know your brother is sick! He can't just feel better!'. I just sat there like yes I know. Please go away now." Rian laughed again and I leaned my head forward for a moment before standing up and walking to the bathroom for a shower.
The hot water produced a thick steam almost instantly and a shiver went up my back. I don't know how long I stood there until the voices started again, but they came as they always did and I greeted Ana, Mia, and Cat with the only way I knew how. Fingers down my throat and a blade to my arm.
You're worthless. You're fat. You shouldn't be eating at all. You can eat when your thin.
The endless streams of torment was worse than usual, and so therefore the cuts were too.
I got out of the shower and wrapped a fluffy blanket around my midsection and slipped into my room. I slid into leggings and a tee-shirt with a cardigan and rolled the cardigan up enough to inspect the damage.
"Shit." I swore. A knock came to my door.
"Sammy? Are you okay?" Rian asked me.
"Uhhh.....yea no..." I was digging around for bandaids and didn't even hear Rian open the door.
"Sammy, I'd like you to meet someone. This is- Holy shit. Sam!" I turned and looked first and the blood that was dripping onto the floor, and second at Rian and her visitor.
"Hey..."
"Oh my god...I'm sorry...I can come back later?" the voice came from Louis, who was next to Rian in the doorway.
"Sam you promised me not again!" Rian ignored Louis and went into her own room, momentarily, and coming back with a suture kit. Ahh, the perks of having a nurse as your roommate when you're an unstable self-harming anorexic. I giggled a little and Rian pushed me to sit on the bed as she dragged a chair over.
"You promised me Sammy." Rian said shaking her head as she prepared me for stitches.
"This happens a lot?" Louis asked.
"Eh, depends on "a lot"." I giggled.
"It happens every few weeks. Maybe we need an at home nurse." Rian gave me a look. "Also, Sammy, this is my brother Louis, Lou, this is Sammy without her medication." Rian didn't even bother numbing me up. She told me the 3rd time she had to stitch me that if I was going to do this, she wasn't going to help ease the pain.
"Have you tried to get help?" Louis asked me.
"She does, and her therapist makes me go in with them. She said that as long as the cuts aren't in a dangerous spot to let it happen because until her medication issue gets fixed, if she can't cut she turns to overdosing." Rian is more like my mother sometimes than my friend.
"Oh..." Rian finishes the stitches and makes me clean up the blood as she sits on my bed with Louis.
"You think she's alright to go out?" Louis asks Rian.
"Of course. I told you, this is a common thing. She'll bounce back in like, 5 minutes. Now, where do you want to go?"
"Well the guys are having a huge dinner-slash-movie night thing at Niall and Harry's place."
I couldn't help but notice how un-phased they both were about this, and as I threw the last paper towel in the trash, I started to feel the weight of the world come back to me and fell to my knees. The feeling is like a boulder has run me over, and my free will has crumbled like the sand beneath the ocean.
Rian and Louis came out.
"Well, there we go. All back to normal? Rian laughed.
"Yes. Very too much normal." I wheezed. The weight of the world was crushing me.
"Alright, well we should get going." Louis announced looking at his watch.
"How far do they live from here?" Rian asks.
"Like 10 minutes." Louis laughed as "Little Things" came on the player in the car and he began to sing along. I yawned and leaned my head against the window before another song could come on and by the time we pulled into the driveway I was fighting sleep.
"Sammy, were here mate." Rian opened my door and I started to fall out of the car before I woke up and unbuckled myself, clumsily getting out of the vehicle.
"How you doing Sammy?" Rian asks me, her arm slung around my shoulders.
"I don't know how much longer I can stand this." I whispered.
"Just another week there starshine. Just another week. One week. 7 days. You can do that, easy."
"Rian! Sammy! Come one!" Louis was at the door, his body halfway wedged between the inside and the out as he turned towards us and started yelling for us to hurry.
"Alright everyone, this is Rian, my baby sister. And Rian's roommate, Sammy." Louis announced our arrival and I felt a deep blush crawl up my face.
But after a moment I stopped focusing on myself, and more on the brown hair, curly-q owning green eyed cherub that was grinning at my from a spot on the sofa, his dimples digging so deep into his face I thought I was imagining it.
"Hi" I squeeked.