Things to Do Before I Die
Support Group
I found out about my cancer on accident. I had been getting really painful bone and joint pains. Then I started getting the most random strikes of fatigue. By the time the stomach pains hustled in, my mother had had enough of my complaining. Plus, she was starting to think I was pregnant, as was her excuse for everything wrong with me. So, she took me in to the doctor. Once at the doctor's office, they checked me for everything- even pregnancy- at least that's what if felt like. Finally, they took a blood test. The doctor, Dr. Gregory, told us he would call within the next few days with results. I, of course, thought nothing of any of it. Just a blood test, right? What could possibly go wrong? Apparently a lot.
Two days later Dr. Gregory called with somewhat alarming news. My red blood cells were low in count and there was an over-abundance of white blood cells. Obviously I was worried, but I thought it was something that could be easily fixed. Then they told us more. My white blood cells were abnormal and crowding out the healthy cells in my bone marrow. Meaning, more tests for me.
After I was diagnosed with CML and after a few rough surgeries, I had started attending a support group. The reason being, my cancer had not gone away. And it was getting worse too. Every day I climbed out of bed- and still to this day- I struggled. Mainly mentally though, I didn't feel the need to keep moving when I knew I was going to die anyway. My very paranoid mother saw these signs coming the moment I was diagnosed. She signed me up for sessions- secretly, without me knowing- immediately. Though, I guess I should be grateful. Without that push I never would have met Hailey. And she has given me so much strength in this year then my doctor has in all of my appointments put together. So, Cancer Cove was to become a second home to me; my mother's words, not mine. Now, I know it may seem like she was trying to get rid of me, but she told me it was to bring me hope.
I live in a coastal area and evidently 'cove' was the only word the founders could think of; it was the most obvious choice. Put the word 'cancer' in front of that and you've got yourself a class of dying teenagers and multiple adults trying to donate money "to the cause." Please, they just want their name on a plaque to brag about saying how they "changed the world." Cancer Cover was founded about seven or so years ago with the intention of being a cancer research facility; then those who were funding it realized that this town sucks and they were hauling it somewhere else. At least that's a brief overview of how the story goes. Now, it's a happy-go-lucky place harboring teenagers filled with angst who just don't give a damn.
My first day at CC was life-changing; though it didn't start off so wonderfully. On the delightful morning of October 5th, I had the pleasure of walking a block a half to get to the stupid building. Being early October, it wasn't too cold out but I still wanted a jacket. I couldn't find a freaking place to park, thus making me fifteen minutes late. There wasn't an actual parking lot so one would have to park on the road, and spaces were limited. The coloration on the leaves of the trees caught my eye as I walked down the road with annoyance; they were beautiful. The oranges blending in with reds to create a sort of magical sunrise. Especially when the leaves cascaded down from the branches and filled the yards with their touch. Some things never change.
After following a path of very narrow halls and rooms filled with test tubes and other scientific stuff- research lab, remember?- I finally found it. Of course, people being creatures of habit, as soon as the door creaked open, about fifteen pairs of eyes turned to look. Only, they hadn't been looking at me. I was so focused on finding the room that I didn't even notice the bouncy, giggly girl who bounded in behind me and walked past me to the group. That was Hailey.
"Hi everyone! Sorry I'm so late! I had to stop for an officer who asked if it was my car when someone parked illegally in front of a fire hydrant! Does anyone own a 1999 cherry red Pontiac Grand Am?" And that was my car. The silence that ensued allowed Hailey to exclaim, "Oh, good! I was hoping it wouldn't be anyone from the group!" I wasn't going to say it was mine; what kind of impression would that be on a first day? After giggling some more- seriously, I was beginning to think she needed an on/off switch- Hailey joined the rest of the group.
"Well, may I ask your name stranger?" I hadn't realized that I was being spoken to. Nor had I realized I was still standing there like an idiot. The man who asked the question was a skinny guy, must have at least been thirty-five, with a red beard to match his hair. His elbow patches on his blazer made it painstakingly noticeable that he was a very serious person.
"Um, hi. My name is Sawyer. I'm new; if that wasn't obvious." Wow, great start Sawyer.
"Well, welcome Sawyer. Everyone, let's welcome Sawyer. What is your last name Sawyer"
" I'm Sawyer Jacobson."
"Hello Sawyer Jacobson!" Came everyone's voices entwining into unison. It actually freaked me out a little. I brought my feet together where I was standing and waved awkwardly at everyone. Then they all seemed to go back to they were doing before, acting as bored as when I entered.
"Well, come join us!" The man gestured me to an open chair within the circle and continued, "My name is Richard and I run our sessions here with Cancer Cove. You haven't missed much, we've just been catching up while waiting for you and Hailey. See, your mother called and informed me that you would be attending."
I nodded my head in acknowledgement of what he said as I slowly sat down in a metal folding chair that squeaked under my weight. That thing was so rusty I was afraid it would break at any moment. I wasn't a really big person, but that's just how bad it was.
"So, no that we're all here and acquainted I'd like to start by going around the room and having each of you tell us what you want to do when you grow up." Richard pointed to a girl who seemed to be about fourteen years old with silver-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was wearing a Beatles t-shirt and neon orange leggings. He asked her, "Sherri? Why don't you go first today?" She sighed and sat up a little straighter and told us,
"Well, when I get to be at least twenty-three, I want to be a manager for an amazing band. A band as amazing as The Beatles were in the 80s!" She finished with a small smile on her face and puffed her chest out a little bit to show off her shirt. It was then I noticed how pale she was. Before she could continue speaking, I interrupted,
"Wait, seriously? This is what we do? Talk about what we want to be when we grow up; what if we don't get to grow up?" I turned to Sherri, "by the way, The Beatles were famous in the 60s, they weren't even a band anymore in the 80s." Sherri just rolled her eyes and picked at her nails. I glanced around the circle at the others's expressions; which were all blank stares. Richard loudly cleared his throat and stared at me with determined eyes,
"Sawyer, this is a support group. Meaning, we support each other. So, when I ask you each what you want to do when you get older it's because it brings hope. Hope for the present, hope for a cure, and hope that you will grow up,"- There was that word again; hope.- ," now, you can stay and appreciate the friends you have here; people who understand what you're going through, or you can leave. It's your choice." The piercing gaze in his now cold, green eyes made me keep my mouth shut for the rest of the session. At least that was the plan. Until- after the awkward silence had passed and Richard let his oppressing glare go- Hailey spoke out.
"So, Sawyer. Why don't you tell us what you want to be when you grow up." Her quick speaking and horrible enunciation confused me for a moment and I faltered,
"What?"
She thought I was struck by her words when in reality, I just couldn't hear them. "Well, you obviously think it's so silly, but what do yo want to do when you get older?" For the third time within thirty minutes, everyone was starting at me with eyes that peered deep into my soul and made me sink down in my chair a little. And it didn't end; they were all waiting for an answer. I literally sat there with my hands in my lap and my shoulder shrugged so high up I thought they would pop out. I glanced around the room hoping they would all lose interest. When I looked back at Hailey, I could tell that she would not leave without getting an answer. So, I gave her the truth. I sighed as long as possible, taking my time, and slowly slid back up the chair telling them,
"I want to live." And I did. I hadn't realized it until that moment, but I wanted to keep fighting. Yes, cancer was my weakness, but determination would be my strong suit. Hailey smiled. That was it, she didn't even say anything. She just moved on and everyone else seemed to also. I figured out then that she was the heart of this group. Everybody followed what she did.
"When I get a little older, I'd like to start a charity devoted to animals. They've always been a big part of my life and meant so much to me. I think we should all do what we want, not what sounds best for us, and I love animals so there you go." Everyone around the circle either nodded or just grunted their approval. This girl was beginning to irritate me.
After making our way around the circle, the session was finally up. We had discussions about each persons dream and I kept my mouth shut for the rest of them. And by the end I could safely say that nobody was paying attention. They weren't following Hailey; they just didn't care. One kid, a fifteen year old with lung cancer, sat there writing on his oxygen tank in Sharpie the entire time. Another girl was messing around on her phone throughout the hour we were there. No one said anything. Even Richard seemed to carry on with his own business- as I saw him pull out a grocery list every so often and add a few items to it.
Hailey was the only one making a really great effort. I admit, I admired her for it. It kind of was like she was the heart of us; trying the hardest to get us to function properly. Perhaps she wasn't so bad after all. But that's not what I liked best about CC. What truly caught me off guard was exactly how much no one was caring. Nobody was doing anything. For the first time no one was staring at me, or whispering about the rumors they had hard. I felt normal. And I liked it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone in that room had cancer, even Richard. Out of the fifteen people there when I started, eleven remained. Johnny, the kid with the oxygen tank? He passed away two months later. And Sherri? She didn't even make it to her birthday, a week later. We were all running on limited time and we were just trying to make the best of it.
I still am.
Two days later Dr. Gregory called with somewhat alarming news. My red blood cells were low in count and there was an over-abundance of white blood cells. Obviously I was worried, but I thought it was something that could be easily fixed. Then they told us more. My white blood cells were abnormal and crowding out the healthy cells in my bone marrow. Meaning, more tests for me.
After I was diagnosed with CML and after a few rough surgeries, I had started attending a support group. The reason being, my cancer had not gone away. And it was getting worse too. Every day I climbed out of bed- and still to this day- I struggled. Mainly mentally though, I didn't feel the need to keep moving when I knew I was going to die anyway. My very paranoid mother saw these signs coming the moment I was diagnosed. She signed me up for sessions- secretly, without me knowing- immediately. Though, I guess I should be grateful. Without that push I never would have met Hailey. And she has given me so much strength in this year then my doctor has in all of my appointments put together. So, Cancer Cove was to become a second home to me; my mother's words, not mine. Now, I know it may seem like she was trying to get rid of me, but she told me it was to bring me hope.
I live in a coastal area and evidently 'cove' was the only word the founders could think of; it was the most obvious choice. Put the word 'cancer' in front of that and you've got yourself a class of dying teenagers and multiple adults trying to donate money "to the cause." Please, they just want their name on a plaque to brag about saying how they "changed the world." Cancer Cover was founded about seven or so years ago with the intention of being a cancer research facility; then those who were funding it realized that this town sucks and they were hauling it somewhere else. At least that's a brief overview of how the story goes. Now, it's a happy-go-lucky place harboring teenagers filled with angst who just don't give a damn.
My first day at CC was life-changing; though it didn't start off so wonderfully. On the delightful morning of October 5th, I had the pleasure of walking a block a half to get to the stupid building. Being early October, it wasn't too cold out but I still wanted a jacket. I couldn't find a freaking place to park, thus making me fifteen minutes late. There wasn't an actual parking lot so one would have to park on the road, and spaces were limited. The coloration on the leaves of the trees caught my eye as I walked down the road with annoyance; they were beautiful. The oranges blending in with reds to create a sort of magical sunrise. Especially when the leaves cascaded down from the branches and filled the yards with their touch. Some things never change.
After following a path of very narrow halls and rooms filled with test tubes and other scientific stuff- research lab, remember?- I finally found it. Of course, people being creatures of habit, as soon as the door creaked open, about fifteen pairs of eyes turned to look. Only, they hadn't been looking at me. I was so focused on finding the room that I didn't even notice the bouncy, giggly girl who bounded in behind me and walked past me to the group. That was Hailey.
"Hi everyone! Sorry I'm so late! I had to stop for an officer who asked if it was my car when someone parked illegally in front of a fire hydrant! Does anyone own a 1999 cherry red Pontiac Grand Am?" And that was my car. The silence that ensued allowed Hailey to exclaim, "Oh, good! I was hoping it wouldn't be anyone from the group!" I wasn't going to say it was mine; what kind of impression would that be on a first day? After giggling some more- seriously, I was beginning to think she needed an on/off switch- Hailey joined the rest of the group.
"Well, may I ask your name stranger?" I hadn't realized that I was being spoken to. Nor had I realized I was still standing there like an idiot. The man who asked the question was a skinny guy, must have at least been thirty-five, with a red beard to match his hair. His elbow patches on his blazer made it painstakingly noticeable that he was a very serious person.
"Um, hi. My name is Sawyer. I'm new; if that wasn't obvious." Wow, great start Sawyer.
"Well, welcome Sawyer. Everyone, let's welcome Sawyer. What is your last name Sawyer"
" I'm Sawyer Jacobson."
"Hello Sawyer Jacobson!" Came everyone's voices entwining into unison. It actually freaked me out a little. I brought my feet together where I was standing and waved awkwardly at everyone. Then they all seemed to go back to they were doing before, acting as bored as when I entered.
"Well, come join us!" The man gestured me to an open chair within the circle and continued, "My name is Richard and I run our sessions here with Cancer Cove. You haven't missed much, we've just been catching up while waiting for you and Hailey. See, your mother called and informed me that you would be attending."
I nodded my head in acknowledgement of what he said as I slowly sat down in a metal folding chair that squeaked under my weight. That thing was so rusty I was afraid it would break at any moment. I wasn't a really big person, but that's just how bad it was.
"So, no that we're all here and acquainted I'd like to start by going around the room and having each of you tell us what you want to do when you grow up." Richard pointed to a girl who seemed to be about fourteen years old with silver-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was wearing a Beatles t-shirt and neon orange leggings. He asked her, "Sherri? Why don't you go first today?" She sighed and sat up a little straighter and told us,
"Well, when I get to be at least twenty-three, I want to be a manager for an amazing band. A band as amazing as The Beatles were in the 80s!" She finished with a small smile on her face and puffed her chest out a little bit to show off her shirt. It was then I noticed how pale she was. Before she could continue speaking, I interrupted,
"Wait, seriously? This is what we do? Talk about what we want to be when we grow up; what if we don't get to grow up?" I turned to Sherri, "by the way, The Beatles were famous in the 60s, they weren't even a band anymore in the 80s." Sherri just rolled her eyes and picked at her nails. I glanced around the circle at the others's expressions; which were all blank stares. Richard loudly cleared his throat and stared at me with determined eyes,
"Sawyer, this is a support group. Meaning, we support each other. So, when I ask you each what you want to do when you get older it's because it brings hope. Hope for the present, hope for a cure, and hope that you will grow up,"- There was that word again; hope.- ," now, you can stay and appreciate the friends you have here; people who understand what you're going through, or you can leave. It's your choice." The piercing gaze in his now cold, green eyes made me keep my mouth shut for the rest of the session. At least that was the plan. Until- after the awkward silence had passed and Richard let his oppressing glare go- Hailey spoke out.
"So, Sawyer. Why don't you tell us what you want to be when you grow up." Her quick speaking and horrible enunciation confused me for a moment and I faltered,
"What?"
She thought I was struck by her words when in reality, I just couldn't hear them. "Well, you obviously think it's so silly, but what do yo want to do when you get older?" For the third time within thirty minutes, everyone was starting at me with eyes that peered deep into my soul and made me sink down in my chair a little. And it didn't end; they were all waiting for an answer. I literally sat there with my hands in my lap and my shoulder shrugged so high up I thought they would pop out. I glanced around the room hoping they would all lose interest. When I looked back at Hailey, I could tell that she would not leave without getting an answer. So, I gave her the truth. I sighed as long as possible, taking my time, and slowly slid back up the chair telling them,
"I want to live." And I did. I hadn't realized it until that moment, but I wanted to keep fighting. Yes, cancer was my weakness, but determination would be my strong suit. Hailey smiled. That was it, she didn't even say anything. She just moved on and everyone else seemed to also. I figured out then that she was the heart of this group. Everybody followed what she did.
"When I get a little older, I'd like to start a charity devoted to animals. They've always been a big part of my life and meant so much to me. I think we should all do what we want, not what sounds best for us, and I love animals so there you go." Everyone around the circle either nodded or just grunted their approval. This girl was beginning to irritate me.
After making our way around the circle, the session was finally up. We had discussions about each persons dream and I kept my mouth shut for the rest of them. And by the end I could safely say that nobody was paying attention. They weren't following Hailey; they just didn't care. One kid, a fifteen year old with lung cancer, sat there writing on his oxygen tank in Sharpie the entire time. Another girl was messing around on her phone throughout the hour we were there. No one said anything. Even Richard seemed to carry on with his own business- as I saw him pull out a grocery list every so often and add a few items to it.
Hailey was the only one making a really great effort. I admit, I admired her for it. It kind of was like she was the heart of us; trying the hardest to get us to function properly. Perhaps she wasn't so bad after all. But that's not what I liked best about CC. What truly caught me off guard was exactly how much no one was caring. Nobody was doing anything. For the first time no one was staring at me, or whispering about the rumors they had hard. I felt normal. And I liked it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone in that room had cancer, even Richard. Out of the fifteen people there when I started, eleven remained. Johnny, the kid with the oxygen tank? He passed away two months later. And Sherri? She didn't even make it to her birthday, a week later. We were all running on limited time and we were just trying to make the best of it.
I still am.