Gristrift

Over the next few days, John learned how to get in and out in a reasonable amount of time, though he still couldn't do clothing. His friendship with Dave grew until they were practically inseparable. He asked around for who could have put the breathing device on the imp, but nobody had a clue. Eridan told everybody who would listen that he had seen John walking around with a similar device (and also that John was poor and got his clothing and food from dumpsters), but most people figured it was Eridan being his usual self. Dave was on the side of "aliens, and possibly also the illuminati because, you know, they always like messing up shit and whatever."

They had the weekend to do whatever they wanted as long as they stayed inside. John was astonished at the wealthy and beautiful selection of movies. Such rich variety was usually only the stuff of daydreams. Of course, Con Air had to be watched three times straight to break in the new location. He was just about to put in the DVD for Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, which Dave recommended, when Cronus limped up to him with a toothy grin and greedy eyes. He smelled like a bunch of nasty smoke, so John scrunched up his nose and scooted away. Couldn't he just leave John alone to watch a bunch of great movies? He wished Dave was there so he could tell Cronus to go away without sounding lame.

"Well, well, well. John Egbert, watching movies alone like a fuckin' chump. Where's your little friend, the one with the nice lips and nice glasses?"

"Augh, don't talk about Dave that way, you dumb and mean person. He's recording records because he's cool and awesome which is the opposite of the things you are."

Cronus laughed, a low, gravelly sound that seemed to come from underwater. "My boy Eridan said he'd like to drop of somethin' right about now, yeah? Smooth fellow like me decided to do him a favor and come give it to you." He dropped a scrap of paper, which floated down into John's lap. "Now I gave it to you early because we're cool, you and I, right? You're a cute kid and I can see you really fleshing out in a few years. Just remember that old Cronus Ampora gave you this early. Think you'll like that." He sidled away, his feet barely leaving the ground. After a few seconds, he turned back to wave at John.

The piece of paper was wrinkled, like it had at one point been crumpled into a ball. On one side were math equations. On the other side, in different handwriting, was a note.

hey john

guess wwhat

i took your dads shoes and threww them wwhere jack noir can find you if you go out to look

but if you wwant to try and maybe get back on my good side

you can look twwo blocks straight ahead from the factory, near the lamppost wwith the ad for the zoo on it

times a tickin people wwill wwant to throww em away

eridan ampora

p s you can also get on my good side by beatin up sollux

The note got crumpled fast. John gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes. This boy would pay for messing with the shoes of his father. He first thought to tell an authority, but knowing Condelle, she most likely would either do nothing about the situation or outright stop him from going. She really fucking sucked. Maybe he could prank her in the future hard enough to make her stop being so lame and rude all the damn time. That would be like the ultimate prank.

Dave would help him. He rushed to his room - only to run smack into Rose Lalonde.

"Well hello, John. I must confess that I didn't expect you to want my location so vociferously."

"Ugh, Rose, just let me through to Dave. Eridan got my shoes lost outside and I think he can help me get them."

"No," said Rose.

"No? What you have to realize here is that these shoes belonged to my Dad, who is the greatest person ever and I want him with me all the time these days, except for when I am in the bathroom and stuff. I haven't seen him in like forever, too, so that's even more importance you can place on these shoes."

"John, I think you need to spend some time reminiscing. Thinking back, remembering the good old days when Condelle warned you about Jack Noir. He actually forced Equius's older clone to abdicate his very life. I will not let you suffer from the same fate due to your sentimentality and stubbornness."

"Too bad, because I am stronger than you, and Dave told me your power is only deforestation so you can't threaten me." He pushed past Rose and into Dave's section, where Dave was wholly engrossed in his sick beats. He wondered how much Dave liked the Ghostbusters theme song. Probably a lot, since it was such a great song. "Dave! Stop! This is a super emergency, like when the world ended because the poles reversed in 2012! The movie, not the year."

Dave tilted his head up and took off his headphones. "You mean it didn't end for real? How do you explain why I sold off all my stuff that year and bought a bunch of hookers?"

"Dave, you're like twelve. You did not sell all your stuff and buy a bunch of hookers."

"Thirteen," said Dave, closing down his turntables and other assorted music doodads. "And shit, you got me. I guess I can cross that off the list of 'lies that will fool John Egbert, dork supreme. The list takes up several encyclopedias and needs its own storage room."

"Dave, I need your help," said John, drumming his fingers on his bed. He explained the situation, finishing with, "and I need you to help fight off Jack Noir if he comes. And possibly that weird four-eyed thing in the factory."

"You got it. I keep a sweet katana up here just for that express purpose." He unsheathed a sword from under his bed. "Always meant to hang it up on the wall, but then I would always go, 'nah.'"

"The two of you are aware of the fate of Ezekiel Zahhak, correct? Or does such a fate appeal to your viking sensibilities?" said Rose.

"Ugh, whatever, Rose. Terezi doesn't like you, Dave doesn't like you, is there anybody who does like you? You're all full of warnings and, you know, other things that are like warnings. Let us go," said John.

"Good thing you have Eridan's words to go by here. If such a stalwart and honest pillar of our community weren't around to chronicle his actions with gospel accuracy for you, how would you ever know where to find your father's footwear?"

John groaned and pushed past her. Why did everything have to be a federal fucking issue? Dave followed him up to the abandoned factory. It seemed creepier with just the two of them there, as if they were trespassing and the factory workers would catch them at any second. John winced at every noise. Dave's constant sneezing did not help matters at all. Daylight seeped in through cracks in the window boards, allowing them to get through with a minimum of tripping.

They lingered at the door. "How far does Condelle's protection work for?" asked John.

Dave shrugged. "Hopefully far enough. I wasn't there for the whole Ezekiel thing so I wouldn't know."

"Well he didn't find me before I got here, so maybe he will not find me now."

"It's different. There's like chemicals and stuff in your body produced by using your powers and certain muscles get fucking ripped from being a badass superhero. You only used your powers once before you came, so he would have had a hard time finding you. Now that you've been practicing for a week, you are easier to find and kill than a baby on a plane."

"Okay, let's just be quick and hope he doesn't smell us. And we can always use our cool abilities to get away. What could Ezekiel do?"

"He had the sickest powers of all of us. He was like a hitman sniper dude so he could kill anybody he could see with a thought. Not to mention he was fucking ripped. If you've ever seen The Next Generation, you understand the general principal here. He had to see them and know they were there to be able to do it. Noir sent out one of his henchmen dressed as him, Ezekiel thought it was the real deal, and Noir snuck up behind the guy and stabbed the fuck out of him. Then he flipped his body over and stabbed him even more."

John winced. An uneasy tenseness nestled into his heart. "That sure is a lot of stabbing."

"Sometimes on missions outside of here her protection wavers for a few seconds and like clockwork the local news pops out a story about or horse or a deer found stabbed to death in the area."

"So why did you agree to go with me?" asked John.

"Because you obviously feel strongly about your old man's shoes," said Dave, "and somebody has to tag along and make sure you don't blunder into a chainsaw while you're cloud watching."

"Okay then, let's get going."

John felt pretty good about the whole venture. Like, what were the odds that Jack Noir was looking right then? Probably not very good. Tomorrow, Dad would visit and see how his shoes were kept clean and shiny and probably be proud of him.

The day was cool and sunny with a light wind. The abandoned factory was next to an apartment complex where people walked their dogs. A man in a black suit talking on his cell phone almost bumped into them. An old lady smiled at them as they walked past. The tenseness loosened up and soon he was grinning and making movie references with Dave. Who knew Dave was nerdy enough to have watched the first three iterations of Star Trek and several of the movies? Not John, that was for sure.

"Do you see a lamp post at all?" asked John.

"I must've joined a convent because I see none."

"Shit. Do we have the wrong place?"

"Rose must have been right. Eridan tricked us. Never thought he had it in him to go full homicidal."

"It would have been homicidal anyways if the shoes were here," said John.

"Guess you're right. We'd better head back."

Across the street from them, standing in the shadow of an alley, a man in a black suit stared at them. "Dave? I think that guy is following us," said John.

The man reached into the pocket of his starched black pants.

"Run!" said Dave. He pushed John out of the way just as a knife flew by that would have sliced his arm. "That's a stabbing knife, not a throwing knife. Probably the only reason it didn't hit us."

John sprinted, but he was never that fast of a guy. Dave had to stop and drag John to help him keep up.

"Look, I can probably make it just by running," said Dave. "Dodge into buildings so he can't keep up with you." He took off ahead.

"But wait! People might see me..." He stopped, realizing he was in a public place. A knife cut into his shorts and grazed his thigh. Some things, he decided, were more important than modesty. He used his power to duck inside the nearest apartment building, which was luckily empty.

Rooms in other people's apartments sure were weird. This one had a wall safe, a desk, a coffee machine in the corner, and not much else. A gun and a telephone rested on the desk. One wall had a copy of an appalling urban mural on it. The smell of candy corn lingered in the air. He waited until he heard the sound of Jack Noir trying to enter before teleporting out of the building, his body displayed for all to see. An old lady gasped and covered the eyes of a young boy.

John felt his cheeks (the upper ones) heating up. This was the worst situation ever in the universe, worse than being grounded or big tests or even Dad's weird clown figures. His hands shot to cover himself and he rushed into the next building. He continued luring Jack Noir and teleporting away from him until he was safe inside the laboratory. Noir walked in front of the laboratory, looking disoriented. He turned his head back and forth and when he looked in John's direction, he continued searching. Condelle must have prevented Noir from seeing him. Finally, with an angry sneer, Noir jammed a knife into the ground and stomped away.

A finger tapped John on the shoulder. "Dave?" he asked, turning around.

"No," said Eridan. "Do I look like I listen to fucking crap music all day? You tell Dave next time you see him that the only good music was made in the late romantic period."

"Like the period where everybody kissed a lot?" asked John.

"Your stupidity is testing my nonstop outflow of patience," said Eridan. "Anyways, here are your shoes. I can't believe you actually went out there. All you had to do was ask for them back."

"What? I was literally in danger from Jack Noir, who is this horrible guy and he kills people, because of you! There was no 'just ask me' in your stupid little note!"

"Well obviously there was no 'just ask me,' because that would have made me look all soft. But if you were really upset over your dumb shoes and you went up to me all crying and saying 'Eridan how could you do this, please tell me you didn't really,' I would have said 'Well I actually didn't really, here are your old man's shoes,' and you would have been so happy and beholden to me."

"I would have been beholden to you for you stealing my shoes?"

"For me giving them back. Learn the difference. I swear wind can go in one side of your head and whoosh out the other side with no obstacles in between."

"Where's Dave?" asked John.

"Do I know? Do I care? I am magnanimous, but not that magnanimous."

"Just shut up already. Every word that comes out of your mouth is worse than all the other words that came out of your mouth before you said the one word," said John. He rolled his eyes, grabbed the shoes from Eridan's hands, and rushed off to find Dave.

"Wait, man. Are you going to just leave me here? I could go out and die by Jack Noir right now!" called Eridan. John ignored him.

John found Dave close to the door to get into Skaia. Oily footprints looped out of the door and back in. The footprints themselves were small but somebody had drawn in black crayon around them to make them bigger. The footprints did not look human.

"Whoa, was a monster here?"

"Nah, it just looks like a carapacian stepped in oil and walked around. The monsters all have bigger footprints, even the imps. Maybe this whole monsters thing is caused by a carapacian."

"So it would be like a carapacian catastrophe!" said John.

"Yeah, only it wouldn't sound so dumb in every single way ever."

"You are actually the dumb one in this situation. Anyways let's go look for the four eyed monster I saw before we head back."

"You sure you weren't just looking in a mirror?" asked Dave while high five-ing himself.

"More like looking in the mirror and seeing you! And going 'what is that bug eyed alien! Oh wait, the alien is Dave.'"

"So where did you see this John Egbert lookalike?" asked Dave.

"Up a few stairs and to the right a bit. Here, follow me. And also watch out because Eridan is up here somewhere. Oh! And I just thought of a cool thing. When I went with those detective girls the mayor told us that there are carapacians here and I think maybe they are the ones letting the monsters out. I mean, he seemed pretty scared of these folks so they might be the type to pull a scheme like this. Condelle brought them in and she is a pretty sketchy character if you ask me."

"But where could they be hiding? Oh yeah, the fucking obvious locked room. Answers are just pelting us nonstop. Maybe these even relate to where Condelle is always going when she's in the gristrift and how one thirteen year old boy can attract so many screaming fans."

They walked up the final set of stairs and entered the room where John had previously seen the eyes. "Wait, I haven't heard of the Condelle thing. I didn't even know she went into the gristrift."

"Oh, yeah, it's this whole thing. Nobody's ever been able to follow her. Where did you say you saw it?"

"Well it was in this room somewhere," said John. He looked inside a box a quarter full of papers then peered behind it.

Dave climbed a stack of shelves, clearing them off in the process. Pipes of all shapes and sizes clanged to the ground. John looked inside another box. Four shining eyes looked back at him. "Aaaaaaaugh!" He jumped backwards.

Dave leaped from the shelves to the ground and ran for John. "What happened? Did you see it?"

"It is in that box. All I saw was a black lump and that kind of scares me because imps are also small black lumps," said John.

Dave walked to the box and chuckled. "It's a fucking cat, John," he said. "A crazy four-eyed X-Men cat."

"A cat? Hey, let me see." It was, indeed, a cat. "Wow, that is pretty darn adorable. I shall call it Doctor Meowgon Spengler and it shall be my faithful companion forever." He reached into the box. Dr. Meowgon Spengler stood up and rubbed against John's outstretched arms, purring. The cat's legs pumped slowly in the air as he picked it up and put it into his arms. John headed back down to Skaia with Dave following.

Resting Dr. Meowgon Spengler on one arm, John opened the door and then screamed.