Gristrift

He only fell three feet, but he still managed land in a tangled pile of limbs. The gristrift on the other side ripped through a rock wall with an inclined plane of rock gently sloping off of it. The other clones walked ahead of him out into the wilderness. A tiny, bald humanoid with black scales, sharp claws and teeth, and no toes scuttled away as John scanned the area for Dave.

"That's an imp. Ignore them and they'll ignore you."

John spun around to find a hazmat suit sitting cross-legged behind him. Peering through the headpiece, he could make out Dave's features. "Whoa, you startled me. Where are we headed? I want to kill a monster."

"Before anything else happens, we need to head out to the weapons stash. Without a sword or a gun or whatever, you're dead out here. We keep them here so we don't have to lug them up and down the stairs. You'll probably get yours tomorrow during training. I suppose she doesn't want you to kill a monster yet, and if there's one thing worth doing in life, it's defying her shitty expectations. Everybody gets a gun but you can find more stuff out here if you know where to look. Like some of the stronger monsters have weapons and sometimes you can trade for them in the carapacian cities."

They headed to the right of the gristrift. "Do you know how this place came about?" asked John.

"Not quite, but aliens are the current strongest contender."

John rolled his eyes. At the horizon, he thought he saw the sun of this strange world. Clouds floated behind it, though, which made it clear that this was a planetbound light glowing with a sunlike intensity. He thought he could make out the shape of a worm stretching to its side. "What's that?" he asked.

"One of the denizens. Jade gives them weird names and I think this one's Yaldabaoth. You don't normally see them because there aren't that many, but they're the biggest monsters out there. Definitely avoid them. Vriska saw that as a challenge and now she's missing an arm and an eye."

They arrived at a small cave in the mountain that contained the gristrift. Swords reflected the deep reds of the environment. More of the pink turtle creatures rushed out of the cave as they entered.

"This," said Dave, "is the greatest weapon ever. It's like the Batman of swords, since we all know that Batman could beat anybody with enough prep time. Sorry, Supes, but when you get reduced to a quivering Parkinson's baby at the sight of a rock that literally made up your entire home planet, you're shit at being super." He grabbed a sword with a giant hilt and a blade that seemed to be broken. "I stole it from Hephaestus's hoard. Had to break it in half because it's like the heaviest thing ever. But it'll slice through a boulder like a housewife's knife through a cheating husband's balls. All the others are shit but you need a weapon so take one."

"Okay. How do we find a monster to kill?" John picked up a small sword with a curved edge and sliced it around like Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, skilled and sassy scourge of the seven seas.

"You track them. They leave trails of - oh." A long pause followed.

"Oh?" asked John. "What does that mean? What do they leave trails of?"

"Oil."

"Oh."

"Yeah, but I mean, it still makes more sense for it to be Horuss or Equius who did the stair thing because first of all, a monster can't escape through the rift without a suit any more than we can. It would die from the air. Carapacians are like machines I think, so they don't breathe, so they can survive on both sides, but monsters can only live in here. And only monsters leave oil. There would have needed to be hundreds of them to leave that much oil and did you see anything roaming around all weird? Because I sure as hell didn't."

"Actually yes," said John. "Yesterday, when I was coming down through the factory, there were these four eyes and they did not fit any animal or animals I have ever seen. Kind of creepy if you ask me. Are there any four-eyed monsters?"

"If it was small, it could have been a lesser titachnid. I still don't see how it could breathe, though. But of course, saying 'that's impossible!' is what all those dumb fictional scientists who don't act like real scientists do. Like, just once it would be nice to have a guy in a white coat go all 'whoa, I've never seen that before. I would like to explore its properties and modify my theories to fit it' instead of 'whoa, I've never seen that before. Time to froth at the mouth.' Anyways, Rose would be all over that shit. She's like a junior pretentiotective."

They picked a direction and walked until they found a set of slimy, black footprints. Strands of oil connected the ones made by the same feet.

"It takes a whole lot of energy to make even a little bit of refined oil. How do they do all this?" asked John as they followed the prints. They stepped around corrosive puddles that the monster seemed to have just sloshed through.

"I have no idea. Again, ask Rose. She knows all about how this place works. Or don't. She's a stuck-up flighty broad if ever I saw one."

In the distance, John saw a black speck leaning against one of the spindly umbrella trees. They walked closer and he could make out a bulky, muscular shape with a large horn sticking out of its head. The oil got thicker the closer they got.

"Get out your sword," said Dave. "That's a keratos. You have to kind of weaken it with a bunch of sideswipes before facing it head on. Monsters can take a shitton of damage and they heal like fucking Wolverine."

"You know, for all the tough and cool talk you use, you sure do know a lot about dork things like superheroes."

"It's all ironic of course," said Dave. "I learned about these superheroes ironically. Maybe someday you will understand and become as much of an irony god as I am."

"Doooork," said John.

He drew his sword. The creature stood about three Nicholas Cages high and eight Nicholas Cages wide. Muscles bulged from its thick, vaguely human figure. A dull anger lit its eyes as it surveyed the kids. "Yaaaaaaaaaa!" said John, racing with his sword drawn for the keratos's side. The sword sank a couple of inches into its tough skin and stopped. A monstrous head turned towards John, eyes narrowing and horn lowering. He had to tug on his blade a few times to get it out.

Before the keratos could attack him, Dave sliced its other side. The cut John made sealed up as he watched, scabbing over before healing completely with only a thin scar. The keratos bellowed and the ground shook. A few drops of odd-colored rain began to fall and John felt glad for his hazmat suit.

After ten minutes of John attacking one side and Dave attacking the other, the cuts stopped fully healing. Rivulets of candy-red blood streamed down the keratos's sides and mixed with the oil it sweated. Hissing rain poured down on them. Though the sky crackled, no lightning ever dropped.

"Alright," shouted Dave, "let's finish him off. Stab for the chest. He should be too slow now to stop you."

John roared and launched himself at the monster. It tried to put its arms out to stop him, but it moved too slow. The sword must have hit an important organ, because the keratos cut off mid-bellow and slumped to the ground in a bloody mess.

"Now we have to reach in and look for the grist sac," said Dave.

"Aw gross! Can you do that part?"

Dave shrugged. "You'll have to learn eventually. They're usually under the base of the skull." He made an incision with his sword and reached around. Both of their suits were spattered with monster blood. The rain, which was letting up, didn't do anything to wash it off. "Here we are. This one has a nice big one. Should be enough for both of us. We can go in now."

"How about we don't? I mean, there is that ring. We should look for it. And we should ask the carapacians about this oil stuff."

"You go ahead. I'm heading back. Nearest carapacian city is right behind those trees. It's a ten minute walk. I just have this weird thing about wanting to go home and rest after getting coated in blood and acid after a giant fucking battle. Probably just me."

"Okay, Dave. Be a loser nerdozoid. I guess you will miss out on a bunch of fun and cool stuff including the answer to the oil mystery," said John. Dave headed back towards the gristrift's mountain.

The carapacian city was a whole lot bigger than John's hometown of Maple Valley, Washington. Evenly spaced roads intersected neat lines of houses, all of which surrounded a small downtown area of stores and skyscrapers. Every house was either pure black or pure white, with the roads enclosing squares of a single color. Half of the downtown area shone a brilliant gold. The other half glowed dark purple. Short, cute, monochrome humanoids slightly reminiscent of the imp from earlier walked the streets.

As he stared, a group of other clones in hazmat suits walked up next to him and entered the city. "Wait!" said John, running to catch up.

"You must be the new addition. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance," said one of them when he caught up. They walked across the black grass of a dark lawn.

"Yeah. I am John."

"Hello, John boy. I am Kanaya. Are you here to seek explanations for the mysteries of the ring and the oil?"

"Hell yes. Are you guys all after that too? Figuring things out?"

"Yes. This is Terezi and the older clone is Jane, though perhaps we should get to know each other when our faces are not encased in these suits. Though we mainly consider ourselves feminine sleuths from the same general idea as Nancy Drew, or perhaps more accurately Kami Glass, a boy may be allowed to tag along if he so chooses."

"So where are we going?"

"We have a meeting with the Mayor," said Kanaya. Wow, they sure walked fast. John had to kind of half-jog to keep up.

"Whoa, Dave says he knows the Mayor. That is so cool. He also says the Mayor is awesome. Is the mayor awesome?"

"Quite."

Looking behind him, John noticed the outline of another suit keeping a steady distance behind them. The person stopped and ran behind a building. "Did you know somebody is following us?" he asked.

"Oh, yes. That would be Rose, or Lady Long Words," said Terezi in a high-pitched voice. "She likes to take newbies like you and beat them up with her stabby little needles. Just horrible. You won't hang out with Rose, will you John?" Kanaya subtly backed away and shook her head as Terezi spoke.

"Uh, I guess not. I haven't exactly heard a lot of positive words so far about her."

"Good, John. I wouldn't want you to gullibly fall for her false words like a little baby panda bear," said Terezi with an eerie grin on her face.

After a few minutes, they reached the center of town. One side of the road had golden buildings; the other side, purple.

A jittery black carapacian in a top hat and a fancy sash ran up to the group. "Hello again!! I am so sorry for being un-punctual. A mayor must be timely when meeting with important foriegn dignitaries after all. Oh my gosh is that a new important foreign dignitary. Wow mister important foreign dignitary I am impressed with your rugged good looks and also your significant stature." He directed the last remarks toward John, who smiled and reached out the bloodstained hand of his hazmat suit. The Mayor shook it.

"I am actually not an important dignitary. I'm a kid," said John.

"Ah but you are from beyond the gristrift, yes. That settles it. And I would never discriminate based on age. A good mayor takes all opinions into account even really dumb ones like the Aimless Renegade offers. That is what distinguishes him from being a king and I don't like kings they are bad."

"The door mystery remains unsolved. How goes the search for the Shadow?" asked Kanaya. She spoke in a slow, determined manner.

"The Shadow has once again evaded the wondrous police force of Prospit-Derse. The Shadow has also killed several of my good citizens and that makes me angry! ! How can a city be great if all its citizens are dead. I do not know. Is there anything else of importance on your end??"

"Actually, yeah. There is this oil on our side and we don't know how it got here. Any ideas?" asked John.

"No!! You said monsters cannot survive on the other side of the gristrift because of the air!! Also as a dignified carapacian I do not concern myself with monsters they are gross."

"Alright. There is a second issue of concern," said Kanaya. "We are searching for a ring that matches this picture." She brought out a photograph of Condelle's ring from the outside pocket of her hazmat suit.

"Yes but I do not know where it is," said the Mayor. "Jack Noir was always after it with his midnight crew but then your mayor took them through the gristrift. Maybe one of them has it."

"We have all heard of Jack Noir, but who is this midnight crew? Word has never arrived at my ears of others coming through the gristrift."

"Ugh the midnight crew are terrible awful awful and should be apprehended by the law but that is the Aimless Renegade's deal. The one you think of as Jack Noir well we actually knew him as the Scurrilous Straggler and he had these bad bad horrible bad friends. The worst was the Draconian Dignitary he was tough and bad but the others were bad too. Such as the Courtyard Droll and the Hegemonic Brute sucks. They are all terrible and I am glad they are gone!!"

"Very interesting," said the Kanaya. She glanced back at where Rose stood whenever she thought nobody was looking. "Is there any significant news on your end?"

"Yes yes there is!! I have found the girl of my dreams!! I am thinking of getting her a present. It will be soft and cuddly and this time not a fungus. If you could maybe find something like that and give it to me good."

"Gotcha, little guy," said John.

"Hey though I am little compared to you the light of Democracy shines brightly in me and therefore I am actually big! !" he said.

John and the girls headed back, talking in circles about the possible relevance of the midnight crew. John felt like the facts he had added up to something, but he just couldn't put his finger on what.