Just Breathe

“I knew this wouldn’t work! I wish I’d never even fucking met you!” Alex screamed, his cheeks flushed from rage and his eyes a puffy rosy color from tears and agitated rubbing.

Jack dragged his hands down his face slowly, exhaling deeply. His hair was a mess and it was 2 in the morning. This fiasco began when Jack showed up to Alex’s apartment late that night. Alex claimed to smell whiskey and perfume on him.

“Fucking calm down, you’re giving me a headache,” Jack groaned, dropping into the shitty fold-out kitchen chair.

Alex laughed bitterly, wincing when it came out hoarse. He leaned back on the counter and dragged his fingers through his messy brunette hair, choking back more sobs that would inevitably escape him, despite his struggle. “This is so fucking stupid. I knew you’d do this. I knew you’d cheat on me, you.. you…” Alex let out a frustrated screech, sinking down onto the floor quickly as he gripped his hair, tugging it tightly.

Jack was aware that Alex wasn’t stable. He could hide it in front of cameras and fans, but on the inside was a simmering vat of neuroticism that he’d never be able to harness. That was Jack’s gamble. He loved the man to death, but this routine was normal(although this fit of Alex’s was more extreme than the others). Jack was walking on eggshells and at times it was infuriating(i.e. now) but it was worth it to the lanky man. He loved Alex and all of his insane tendencies.

“Alex, please calm down.. For the last time, I dropped Rian off at a party. He dragged me in for five minutes, tops. I dipped out after one drink. I don’t even smell like perfume, you’re just imagining i-“

“Don’t you fucking dare! I’m not fucking crazy!” Alex screamed, sobbing wildly as tears smeared his splotchy cheeks, his fingers buried in and nearly ripping his hair out.

Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, bending over slightly. Why wasn’t he physically comforting Alex? He’d already tried. Alex threw his hands off and weakly shoved him away countless times.

“Alex, please just try to calm down. I don’t want you to have a panic attack again,” Jack explained softly, desperately looking at the man curled up into himself on the kitchen floor across the room.

“Fuck you! Get out, get out of my fucking apartment you lying, cheating bastard!” Alex exclaimed shakily, sobs escaping between every few syllables.

Something snapped in Jack. He loved Alex to no end, but he couldn’t take this anymore. Not tonight, at least. Alex wouldn’t listen to reason? Fine. Alex didn’t want to be coaxed down from this psychotic ledge of his? Fine. Perfectly fine.

“Want me to leave? Okay. I’m leaving,” Jack threw his hands up as he stood and shrugged sarcastically, kicking the chair back to its place under the table. “I’m fucking leaving, then. Let me know when you’re ready to talk like a normal fucking human being,” Jack snapped, walking to the door and slamming it behind himself. He leaned back on the wooden frame, his keys digging into his palm as he shut his eyes tightly.

“FUCK!” he screamed into the cool night, his outburst translating into a tangible, opaque puff of air as he kicked the railing across the hall roughly, a longer string of swears spilling from his mouth as he shook his head and began stomping down the steps to his car.

Alex trembled, frozen in his spot on the kitchen floor. His hands moved from his hair slightly, his fingers still grabbing although there was nothing to grab from their new position. His breath was shaky as it moved in and out of him, his eyes were wide and scared. Jack left. What if he didn’t come back? What if he was going to whatever girl he was sleeping with? What if he wasn’t actually sleeping with anyone? What if Alex pushed him away completely?

Alex screamed into his palm, the sound muffled slightly by his flesh.

His breathes were becoming quicker. He felt himself becoming lightheaded. He wasn’t going to stop trembling anytime soon. His eyes darted around the room desperately. He needed his big, tall person to lull him into sanity. He needed those big, goofy palms cupping his sides. He needed those soft lips trailing over his face, back and hands. He needed his human, he needed Jack. Now.

Alex continued sobbing, wholeheartedly believing that he was unable to stop this occurrence himself. He got to his feet weakly, almost mis-stepping and falling, but he grabbed the kitchen counter quickly enough. Once he was to his feet(almost falling off of his feet as well) he hobbled to the living room and collapsed on the couch, gasping for breath desperately. His attempts were sharp and quick, doing nothing to aid himself. Jack had taught him a method to calm himself, some breathing technique… He couldn’t remember it now. Too freaked out.

He groped the end table behind him for a few unsuccessful attempts until he found his phone and held it up, screaming in frustration after he failed twice to correctly input his password(which was ‘barakat’, by the way). Once he successfully input it he dialed one. He had changed Jack’s number to his number one speed dial. He preferred the man over any other emergency service anyway.

He mumbled incoherent worries to himself as the phone rang, tears streaming down his cheeks as he curled up in a tight ball of Gaskarth, the phone smashed to his wet cheek.

One ring. Two. Three. Four. Five, just when it was about to hit voicemail: “What.”

“J-Jack.. I..” Alex blinked tightly when he couldn’t say another word, bombarded with uneven breathing and the increasing sense of light-headedness and vertigo.

Jack’s eyes widened when he realized what was happening on the other line, swearing under his breath. He was already halfway to his own apartment. “I’m coming, Alli. Don’t hang up. Deep breaths. In through your mouth, out through your nose,” Jack instructed calmly. If he was freaked out it would only exaggerate the situation, so he had to provide a pseudo sense of tranquility in order to lead Alex to the first steps of peacefulness.

He pulled a sharp U-turn and sped up down the main road, no one was out right now anyway. He’d be there in a few minutes.

Alex let out another sob, his breaths loud, hoarse and far too quick. Hyperventilation was becoming somewhat of a hobby for him these days. He attempted to do as Jack instructed, but gasped when he couldn’t push air either way through his nose, whining loudly. “S-stuffy.. Nose,” he managed to get out, knowing Jack would understand. Jack understood everything.

“Then breathe in and out through your mouth. Go slow, remember to go slow. Want me to breathe with you?” Jack mumbled, making sure he didn’t hit anything at the speed he was going at. Two more blocks.

“A-… Ahuh..”

“Breathe in.” Jack inhaled dramatically, waiting barely more than a second. “Breathe out,” he exhaled heavily, screeching to a halt crookedly in one of the parking spaces beside Alex’s apartment building.

He slammed the car door behind himself and tore up the apartment building stairs, his footfalls thudding heavily as he raced to Alex’s door and took a deep breath himself before opening it calmly and hanging up the phone.

Alex had rolled off of the couch at some point during the phone call and was sobbing into the carpet, his spine rising and falling far too quickly. Jack swore under his breath and jogged over to the man, shushing him gently as he pulled the too-malleable boy into his arms, sighing when his head fell against Jack’s shoulder.

“Oh, Alli.. I’m so sorry I left, but come on, you need to breathe. In and out, just like I taught you. Come on, breathe,” Jack whispered as he leaned back against the couch, rubbing Alex’s back up and down slowly at the pace he should be breathing at. “Breathe with my hand, Alli.”

Alex wouldn’t have been able to register any other person’s voice than Jack’s at this point, but it was as clear and concise as ever through this muddled veil of lack of oxygen. He did as he was told and with some effort he breathed at the correct pace, some color returning to his face as he slowly but surely calmed down now that he was in the warm, safe embrace of Jack.

Alex was hiccupping now, able to breathe without Jack’s help at this point. His body quaked with every hiccup and he nuzzled Jack’s chest weakly, his eyes shut tightly as he grasped at Jack’s shirt a few times.

“You’re okay.. It’s all okay now. I’m so sorry I left, I won’t leave again ever. I’m your human, remember?” Jack whispered soothingly, smiling fondly at the memory. They had been cuddling one night and Alex fondly regarded the lankier man as his own personal human. It just stuck.

Alex’s lips were parted slightly so he could breathe since his nose was still stuffed up, but he smiled weakly at Jack’s reassurance. “I believe you didn’t cheat on m-me,” Alex whispered, a hiccup interrupting the last word. Now that he was slowly reentering sanity, he realized that Jack wouldn’t do such a thing. He didn’t smell like perfume, he smelled like Jack. Axe, Irish Spring, and under all the chemicals he smelled warm. Almost like brown sugar, or vanilla.

“I know, sweetie. Don’t worry about it, it’s all over now. Everything’s all okay. I’m gonna take you to bed, okay? And I’m not leaving, I’m gonna tuck us both in,” Jack explained gently, laboriously getting to his feet without dropping the now-heavy man in his arms despite the metaphorical weight being lifted off of the smaller’s mind.

Alex nodded tiredly, not bothering to lift his arm when it hung over his side and his eyelids drooped. He was barely aware of Jack laying him in bed. Alex felt a warmness envelope him and he opened his eyes enough to see the window in his bedroom with the mother moon shining through it dully, but when he looked down slightly he saw a warm pair of arms wrapped around his waist. Jack entangled their legs and brushed his lips over Alex’s neck, ignoring the salty taste of sweat.

“Here in this world I’m awaked with mistakes, but it’s love that keeps fueling me… Fueling me,” Jack sang softly. His voice was scratchy and imperfect, but it lulled Alex to sleep without fail on nights like these. He smiled faintly and let his head rest on Jack’s pillow since the taller man had pulled them onto his side of the bed. He inhaled the warm scent slowly, hugging the arms wrapped around his waist.

“I love you, Jack,” Alex murmured just as the gentle hands of sleep coaxed him down into their sandy den.

“I love you forever, Lexi.”