These Four Walls

May 1, 2014

You’d think that my twentieth birthday would consist of more than amplified stress, a pile of boring handouts to look over, a blank computer screen, and a busy boyfriend who apparently didn’t know what it meant to text back or wish his girlfriend of two years a happy birthday.

To my disappointment, I sat twisting side to side in my computer chair, staring blankly at the interior of my small cubicle. I had only been working at Anytime Graphics for two months, which gave me time to spice up my personal space a bit with candles that remained unlit, fake daisies in mason jars, the sketches and designs I was most proud of, and multiple pictures of myself with friends and family. There may have been an influx of ones with Harry in them, but I couldn’t help myself from pinning them to the wall with all the others.

I struggled to come up with yet another calendar design for an order that needed to be completed for tomorrow. It was easier the first time around, and the second, and even the tenth time, but there comes a time in every graphic designers life where adding a flower to the corner of a page or changing the font of every number becomes too repetitive.

I leaned back in my seat, flicking my ponytail over my shoulder. I managed to push out a sigh before my co-worker, Jess, poked her head through the invisible door of my cubicle. She was one of those people whose voices didn’t quite line up with their appearance. With long blonde locks and stunningly blue eyes, her slightly childish and wispy voice came as a surprise.

“Is everything coming along okay?” She pushed her glasses further up her nose. “You look like you could use a nap.”

I forced a smile, watching her lean against the wall. “Everything’s fine, thanks. I only have one to go. It’s just taking a lot longer than I hoped.”

“Don’t overthink it, Ava. Try using one of your other designs and changing the color scheme.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I guarantee she won’t know the difference. Charlotte is an easy boss that way.”

I brought my fingers to the stack of calendars next to my empty coffee cup, flicking through the pages. She was right, Charlotte was the type of boss many people would kill to have. But it wasn’t that she was easy, it was that she didn’t care about effort or hard work or pleasing the customers.

I cared, though.

I was passionate about turning a thought into something real, and I never settled for anything less than my best work. Even at a young age, I was always last to finish a fifth grade spelling test because I’d spend the spare minutes looking over each word to see if I’d made a mistake.

“Thanks for the suggestion.” It was easier to just say ‘thank you’ than to explain to her why I didn’t want her help. Not that I didn’t like when she’d pop in and offer me ideas, I truly did appreciate them. I was just keen on pushing through my own creative barriers.

She shot me a look, raising her eyebrows before wandering off down the hall. After a few more minutes of trying new patterns and failing miserably, I pulled my phone from my purse and tried calling Harry. The one person I knew could make me feel better.

It rang three times, then four times, then five and six, and finally a seventh time before going to his voicemail.

“Harry, just answer your phone…” I grumbled to myself under my breath, playing with the hem of my shirt. Redialing his number was useless because this time it didn’t even ring before going straight to his voicemail again.

Even though my stomach started to grow sick, I decided to push it to the back of my mind and focus all of my attention on the task at hand. If I didn’t finish this calendar, I’d be in deep shit. Maybe more so with myself than with Charlotte.

***

By the time I finally finished and got all of the final copies on Charlotte’s desk, it was half past eight and my phone had been blowing up with texts and phone calls from Sawyer. I knew that if I made him wait any longer he’d probably throw a tantrum and leave me tasteless voicemails.

I met Sawyer in middle school, right around the time I had hot pink braces and he had glasses too big for his face. He was an eighth grader with an ego and an equally large mouth, and I was a scrawny seventh grader with a huge self-esteem issue and a flat chest. We were in the same math class and I vividly remember tripping over his feet after I finished sharpening my pencil. Somehow, that small encounter led to seven years of friendship.

I held my phone to my ear, walking through the parking garage that smelled of cat pee and gasoline.

“Ava, finally! You better be on your way to Corey’s Corner as we speak. I’m getting hungry and you know I don’t look my best withering away into nothing.”

“Then eat,” I laughed, unlocking my car and gliding in. I shoved the key into the ignition and reversed out of the tight space before driving towards the exit. “I don’t remember making dinner plans with you tonight. I’m actually kinda tired and--”

“Shut up. You’re coming.”

I rolled my eyes, pulling onto the main road. I almost turned in the opposite direction, but decided against it. I guess I could cut him some slack, he was my best friend and it was my birthday. I didn’t have to let Harry and my horrible day at work get me down.

“Sawyer--”

“No, that’s enough! You’re coming and that’s final. I don’t want to hear another word come out of your mouth. See you in ten.” I heard some bustling around and clanking of plates before he hung up and the line went dead.

It was harder than usual to find a parking spot. I had to do a couple loops before deciding to park in the handicap spot. It wasn’t ideal and the greater part of me felt bad about it, but Corey’s had an awkwardly small parking lot which always seemed more crammed at the start of summer.

Before I pushed open the door, I positioned myself against the side of the short bar and grill and fisted for my phone in my purse, calling Harry one last time. This time, I decided to leave a message after his cheesy voicemail gave me directions to do so.

“Hi, Harry, it’s me. I um, I was just calling to see what you were up to. I guess I don’t really have a lot to say, but… work sucked and it would really make my night to hear your voice. I’m trying my best not to worry about you but just… just call me back when you get this, okay? I miss you.”

Tossing my phone back in my purse I swallowed the lump in my throat and pushed the front entrance open. When I did, it was dark and I could hear a lot of hard breathing. Before I could even comprehend what was going on, colorful lights flashed on, along with a rumble of music, and a mass of people jumped up from behind the bar and several tables.

“SURPRISE!”

My eyes grew about ten times their normal size and my hand flew up to my chest. Maybe it was to catch my breath or maybe it was because my heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. Either way, I felt incredibly grateful and excited that this many people hadn’t forgotten my birthday like I thought they had.

“Oh my God…” I whispered, still taken aback.

“So? What’cha think?” Sawyer emerged from the crowd, dressed in suspenders and a polka dot bow tie. “Were you surprised? If you say no I’ll call you out on it. Don’t think I didn’t notice your body lift three feet off the ground.”

I laughed, letting him pull me in for a hug when he stepped close enough. “Yes, of course! I thought we were just going to share a plate of spaghetti, like usual and maybe complain about our boyfriends.”

“On your birthday? Why would we do that?” He pulled away, giving me a weird look. “What did Harry do?”

I swatted him away, forcing a scoff while taking off my jacket. “Nothing, nothing. He did nothing.”

Sawyer continued to give me that suspicious look, but I easily ignored him and decided to greet other guests. I see Sawyer almost everyday, he could wait. Besides, I knew if I hung around him long enough, he’d see right through my facade.

“Ava May Larsen, you better get your cute little tush over here!”

I heard her voice before I saw her.The voice that sounded an awful lot like nails on a chalkboard. When I turned and looked between a few dancing heads, I spotted the one and only Karleigh King waving a hand of perfectly done up manicured nails my direction. I faked a tight lipped smile as I approached her.

When she pulled me in and smashed me against her, I caught a glimpse of two of my friends giving me the look of what I could only read as We’re Sorry.

“Happy birthday, you gorgeous girl! I can’t believe how long it’s been.”

I had to refrain from cringing. Karleigh was the perfect definition of a frenemy. In high school we had our handful of ups and downs, but it seemed to get really bad when I started dating.

Maybe she was jealous someone else was taking up my time, maybe she was scared of losing the only friend she had, but maybe she was just a stone cold bitch. She was that friend that could never truly be happy for me. Whatever I had, she had to have as well. Whether that be clothes, friends, hobbies, and sad to say, boyfriends.

I always had her back, I always stood up for her, and I always helped her get back on her feet. I was so happy when I heard she was studying abroad, because I could finally stop living up to her standards. She dropped out of college, claiming that it wasn’t really in her cards. Probably because it takes a functioning brain to make it through school, but now all she did was travel--visiting one country after the next.

“I know, right?” I faked an enthusiastic tone. “Two years is a long time. What are you doing back?”

She scoffed, “I figured I had to visit my parents sooner or later, then I remembered it was the first of May, so what the hell,” she threw her hands up. “Here I am.”

“Good to know I was just a passing thought in the back of your mind, Karleigh.” I laughed, but I wasn’t completely joking.

“Where’s that rockstar boyfriend of yours?” She looked around like he would appear behind me. “Can’t he make time for you or is turning twenty old news to him?”

I grinded my teeth. “He has a busy schedule. Especially with the tour coming up and everything.”

“Oh that’s right! He must be so excited!” My friend, Molly, chimed in from next to Karleigh.

I swallowed, “We both are.”

“That sounds great and fancy and all, but that’s no excuse, Ava.” She raised one of her eyebrows and crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s your birthday. If I were you, I’d kick his ass to the curb and feed him to his rabid fan club.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not me, Karleigh. I would never do that to him over something as minor as my birthday.” I looked between all of them, hoping they couldn’t sense the twinge of disappointment in my voice. “He has a lot of important stuff going on right now.”

Karleigh ran a hand through her long red hair and sighed. “Whatever, I have to pee. I don’t know how long I’m here, but I’ll call you, okay?”

No.

“Okay, sounds good.” I smiled.

***

I sluggishly made my way up the stairs to my flat, almost too tired to keep my eyes open. When I was faced with my apartment number, I fidgeted with my keys for awhile, struggling to find the keyhole. I couldn’t think of anything better to do than to take a hot shower and slide on some cozy pajamas before snuggling deep under the covers.

As soon as I opened the door and stepped inside, the strong aroma of vanilla candles filled the air and the dimly lit flames were all I could see throughout my apartment. It was like a romantic movie playing out before me. The kind that Harry always pretended he wasn’t into, yet never failing to have that spark in his eyes when the couple on screen shared their first kiss.

Harry. It had to be Harry.

With each breath growing deeper, I followed the trail of candles to my bedroom with a sting of tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t know what to expect, but when I rounded the corner, the room became a little bit brighter, just enough for me to see him perched on his suitcase. In one hand, he was holding a bouquet of daisies--my favorite-- and in the other a collection of Happy Birthday balloons.

For the second time tonight, my breath hitched in my throat and the lump grew thicker.

“Surprise,” he rasped, a grin growing on his face.

I stared at him for a minute, feeling my chin start to quiver before a silent string of tears rolled down my cheeks and I quickly walked towards him with outstretched arms. He released the balloons and dropped the flowers on my bed just in time to scoop me up in his strong arms, lifting my feet off the ground.

I sniffled and buried my face into the crook of his neck, my arms clinging around his shoulders. The familiar, comforting smell of him made me want to cry harder. But when he whispered a small “don’t cry” into my ear, I gave in. He continued to rub my back, holding me up as I sobbed into him, tightening my grip on his shirt.

“I missed you so much,” I cried. He was kissing the dip in my shoulder when I felt my feet graze the ground again. Tears were leaking from my eyes like waves, and it was like the wave pool at Valley Fair because I felt like I was drowning.

“Ava. Baby, look at me.”

I lifted my head and he immediately reached up to swipe away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. Even though it was dark, the candles lit up his eyes like fireworks I couldn’t stop watching. By now, his face had saddened as well.

“No more tears, okay? It’s your birthday.” He frowned. “I don’t like seeing you cry.”

I was relieved when he placed his hand on the side of my face and pulled me towards him. His lips were chapped and there was no denying the slight stubble on his chin, but they still fit together with mine like honey to a bee. It was a long, drawn out kiss. One I didn’t know I had been craving.

After lingering for a moment longer, we released each other. I licked my lips and fluttered my eyes open before he placed another long kiss to my forehead. “I love you.”

Despite the tear rolling down my cheek, I smiled. “I love you more.”

He shook his head, a crooked smirk forming on his lips. “Happy birthday.”

And for the first time tonight, I surprised myself. After drying my eyes, I placed both my hands on his chest and pushed him down on my bed, not wasting a second before crawling on top of him.