These Four Walls

May 4th, 2014

Today, Harry woke me up to his alarm clock, which went off ten minutes before mine was set to. I got out of bed more effortlessly than I thought I would, although I was a morning person, so that seemed to be in my favor most days. What surprised me most was how fast Harry stretched and rolled out of bed, quickly gathering some clothing from his suitcase before taking a shower.

He did all of this without saying a word. Not even a simple ‘good morning’.

It was six o’clock in the morning and work started at eight. I was almost positive that Harry mentioned his plane left at 10:10 while we popped popcorn for a midnight snack. The fact that I couldn’t come with him to the airport left an emptier feeling in my stomach than the tasteless popcorn did.

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as Harry hummed a 1975 song from the bathroom. I could tell he didn’t have the fan on again, but I didn’t have the energy to yell at him for it. It wasn’t worth the playful argument this early in the morning.

I had just finished tying my hair up and sliding a headband on when Harry came back into my room with wet hair and a freshly shaved face. He threw himself onto my bed, the headboard slamming against the wall and the springs squeaking.

“I hate your boss right now,” he grumbled, folding his arms behind his head. “I hate this feeling right now.”

I nodded slowly, slithering into a red, high-waisted skirt. “Me too.”

His green eyes skated up my body, watching me as I took a polkadotted crop top off a hanger before pulling my head and arms through it. I had changed in front of him more times than I could count, yet heat still flushed my cheeks whenever he watched me with such intensity. He made me feel pretty.

Harry sighed. “You’re so beautiful. God, how do I leave you?”

I smiled. “By getting on a plane and letting it take you home.”

“Yeah, well that sounds a hell of a lot easier than it actually is,” he said. “Here is just as much home to me as London is.”

“It’s not going anywhere, Harry. This will all be right here the next time you come over.” I reasoned, putting on makeup and catching his eyes through the mirror. I watched him lick his lips, sitting up straighter.

“Exactly, because I’m leaving you here by yourself. I hate that!” He exclaimed. “You know what the worst part about it is?”

I furrowed my brows, spinning around in my seat to look at him in person. I didn’t say anything, only waited for him to continue.

He frowned. “Never knowing when I’ll see you again.”

I frowned as well. Partly because it was true, but mostly because I felt like it was my fault. It was easier for him to fly to Minnesota than it was for me to go back to England.

“The guys are coming over next week, even Grimmy is going to be there. If you’re not working, you should--”

I threw down the lipgloss I had been smearing onto my lips, cutting him off so fast like I practiced it often. “I can’t come to London.”

His face scrunched up as he stared at the back of my head with a confused expression. “Why not?”

“What do you mean why not, Harry?” I sighed, standing up and walking out of the room with him heavy stepping behind me. “You know I can’t afford that right now.”

He scoffed, standing next to me as I plucked a yogurt from the fridge. “And you know that I’d cover the cost for you. It’s my treat.”

“I don’t want you to do that,” I told him, pulling open a drawer to take out a spoon.

“You’re so frustrating sometimes,” he complained, waving his hands around. “Can’t you just accept my help and say thank you?”

“No I can’t. I’m not your charity case.”

“Who said anything about charity?” He added with a scowl. “For Christ’s sake Ava, you’re my girlfriend! Not some foreigner I’m helping cross the border. It would really mean a lot to me if you came to stay at least for a few nights. Niall was saying something about Irish night, I thought that might be something you’d enjoy.”

I pushed past him, walking towards the dining corner and sitting down by the table. I knew I was being difficult, but I liked doing things on my own and I hated that Harry knew I wasn’t capable of affording casual trips. I wanted to visit him as much as possible, but realistically, I couldn’t. It was a common thing for me to grow frustrated with our money differences.

I could hear him digging through my pantry and when he exited, he was already tearing into a cherry poptart. “Will you at least let me--”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I voiced before taking a deep breath, hoping to calm myself down.

He plopped down next to me, giving me a look like he was thoroughly disappointed. I couldn’t blame him. I was too. “Okay, fine.”

Staring down at my pathetic breakfast, I suddenly lost my appetite. I was so caught up in all the questions flooding my brain. Like, why money always had to be an issue, or why I had so little when I worked so hard, or why I had to go into work when I’d much rather be sharing a heartfelt goodbye with the man I loved. I hadn’t realized I was lifelessly stirring the yogurt remains in a circle.

“Hey,” Harry rasped, grabbing my hand in his to stop mine from stirring another lap. “I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s not a big deal. I can book another round trip soon and hopefully this time it will be a bit longer. Does that sound alright?”

One look at him and I was completely over my silent tantrum. “Yeah,” I smiled, melting into his touch. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I’m such a brat.”

He chuckled, “You’re such a brat. You’re worse than my sister.” He draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side, planting a kiss to my forehead. “I love you, regardless. Even when you shit on my plans.”

“You’re mean,” I giggled, playfully swatting him away. He was smiling now, and it brightened my morning more than a smile should ever brighten someone’s morning. I couldn’t help myself from curling two fingers under his chin and kissing him, stalling for a few seconds longer. “But I love you, regardless.”

He smirked, this time shoving me away. I cringed when he pulled up his sleeve and took a look at his watch.

The moment I wished would never come.

“According to this, I need to be out the door in about eight minutes if I want to beat traffic. The Minneapolis airport isn’t going to be very forgiving if I show up late for the flight. I think they already hate me for all the fan’s screaming.” He told me, standing and shoving the last half of his poptart into his mouth whole.

I kinked a brow, “It’s nothing like LAX, is it? Minnesota actually gives a shit.”

He laughed, throwing the wrapper and the rest of my yogurt in the garbage while I put my spoon in the sink. “If there’s one thing it has, it’s class. You’re right. There’s ipads everywhere you turn!” He slipped his feet into a pair of his boots. “Nothing beats London though.”

I shrugged. “Their airport isn’t anything special.”

“No, but the city is,” he added, pushing that familiar grey beanie over his curls. “It has everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.”

I did love London, and there were times I missed it unbearably. Happiness was a word I related it to, because there was never a dull moment. Yet, here I was. Stuck in St. Paul because it was the right thing to do. It was the smart thing to do.

“Come on, I’ll help you with your bag.” I started heading down the hall, but Harry cut in front of me, stepping into my room and grabbing his suitcase himself.

“I’ve got it,” he said smugly, returning to the front door.

Standing in front of him now hurt more than I wanted it to, but what did I expect? Our goodbyes were never easy.

Just like that, we were out of words. The two of us just awkwardly standing in front of the other. I watched him readjust his clammy hand on the handle of his bag while I’m sure he noticed the way my eyes looked everywhere but at his.

He cleared his throat, “I really have to go, babe.”

“Sadly,” I muttered, finally looking up at him as he towered over me. “I hope your flight goes smoothly. Will you call me when you land? I don’t care if it’s super late… or early.”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

I could feel the annoying burn behind my eyes and the tightness in my throat, but I wasn’t going to cry. I didn’t want to. Me crying didn’t make this any easier for either of us.

“Thank you so much, Harry.” I started, reaching forward to take his hand off the handle, lacing our fingers together. “You reminded me why I like birthdays. I don’t need presents and cake or a party. As corny as it sounds… I just need you.”

“You have me,” he promised, a sad smile taking over his face. He wrapped his free hand around the back of my neck, pulling our heads together before brushing our noses against one anothers. I could just barely see the water pooling in his perfectly green orbs. “God, I love you so much, Ava.”

That’s when I felt it. A hot droplet of water pooling down my cheek, but it wasn’t my tear.

It was Harry’s.

It was in that moment I knew we wouldn’t be able to handle many more goodbyes, and that scared the hell out of me. The look on Harry’s face said it all.

This was so incredibly hard.

I didn’t wipe away the single tear he let fall, I simply held his hand even tighter before letting my eyes flutter closed.

“I love you, too.” I grabbed a hold of the back of his neck, twirling a curl around my index finger. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry about before. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

His lips fell against mine so lazily, I barely felt them, yet butterflies still flew from their cage in my stomach. It was just a peck at first, but without realizing it, my lips were rocking in rhythm with his more aggressively. Both of us hungry for the other.

His left hand slipped from my right, eager to run it over my bottom before slowly sliding it up to my back. He pushed our hips together, causing me to moan into his mouth, but he swallowed the sound with more passionate kisses.

I never wanted it to end, but just as quickly as it began, it was over. He turned his head and whispered into my ear, slightly out of breath, “I’m going to be late.”

I peeled myself off of him, nodding my head. “I love you.”

It was annoying how many times I could say those three words and never have it mean any less.

He held my head in both his hands and kissed me on the forehead one last time. “I love you, too. I’ll call you later.” He opened the door, pushing his suitcase out first then turning to look at me again. “Bye.”

With that, he shut the door and left me to re-apply my mascara after crying my eyes out in my bedroom.

***

The engine in my car was completely shot, which was how I found myself taking the bus on it’s second round trip so early in the morning. The sketchy, bearded man who kept pulling skittles out of his back pocket next to me was not worth being late for work over. To top it all off I spilt my iced coffee all over my skirt. Now I had a fairly large, brown stain on my right thigh where my dignity used to be.

The assistant at the front desk raised a thick eyebrow my direction the minute I stepped through the door at Anytime Graphics. Her lips pursed together as she shook her head smugly. I tried my best to ignore her, punching in on the time clock before trailing into the elevator, taking it all the way to my department on the fourth floor. It’s not like I was the first person to ever be late for a day of work. I may not have looked my best with puffy eyes and a dirtied skirt, but at least I was here.

The elevator dinged and the doors pulled open slowly. When I walked into the room filled with embarrassingly small cubicles, I immediately wished I was back at home where it was peaceful and lonely and quiet. Watching my co-workers bustle and run past each other waving fliers and calendars was the complete opposite of home.

I managed to slither through most of the people as they shouted out themes and times before Jess turned the corner, nearly plowing me over.

“Finally! Where have you been?” She shouted, her sky blue eyes going wide. “And what the hell is all over you?”

“It’s coffee. The bus was--”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, latching onto my arm. “You’re here now and I need you opinion on something.”

I followed her into her workspace near the back by the windows and vending machines, but I guess I didn’t really have a choice by the way she yanked me around. I barely had time to set down my purse before she was throwing color swatches in my face.

“It’s for a Methodist church. They’re having some sort of breakfast with waffles,” she explained quickly. “What’cha think?”

I didn’t hesitate in pointing, knowing fully well that in the end it didn’t really matter. For something like a poster for church activities, all that mattered was how visible the lettering was. No one cared what color it was.

“The gold one?” She asked, scrunching up her nose. “I was thinking the blue one. Charlotte says if you’re ever in doubt, go with blue. Although, I do think blue is a sad color.”

I smiled, “I’m sure about the gold. It gives people hope, even if it is all about breakfast.”

She sighed, but it almost sounded like it was from relief. Jess rolled back on her heels to rest her weight on the desk, a subtle smile creeping onto her face. “I knew there was a reason I asked you for help and not someone else.”

I shrugged, “Thank you. I try.”

“You know, sometimes… I don’t want this to sound weird or anything, but sometimes I’m so jealous of you.”

I could almost feel my eyes slightly fall out of their sockets. “Me?” I asked dumbfoundedly, holding my hand to my chest.

She nodded, matching my nervous laugh. “Who else, dummy? Everything just comes so easily for you. You’re so creative and you don’t have to try, it’s just in your blood. Makes me wonder what you’re doing in a place like this.”

Sometimes when I was sitting at home, reading a book or painting my nails, and the silence became too loud, I’d wonder the same thing. I knew where I wanted to be in my career and that couldn’t be done by working here. But as of right now, this was where I needed to be. The rest would come eventually.

“I’ve never put much thought into it before,” I lied. “This is just where I am right now and it’s working for me.”

She sighed, looking past me and into the crowded mass of screaming people. “At least it’s working for someone.”

Before I could ask her what she meant, a man who seemed to be in his late forties came barreling through the doorway, asking Jess for her attention before she nodded and said her goodbyes, following him into the hall.

I took a few steady breaths, adjusted my headband, and lifted my purse off her desk before slinging it onto my shoulders, bracing myself for the long day ahead of me.

***

It was 2 A.M. before Harry got around to calling me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel as run down as I actually was because I was too anxious to hear the sound of his beautiful voice. It distracted me from the bad memories of work.

“You must be pretty exhausted then. I won’t mind if you want to go to sleep,” his lazy voice pulled through the speaker I had crammed between my ear and a pillow.

“No, no, no. That’s not what I want,” I told him. “I just want to hear your voice.”

He chuckled and it was like I hadn’t heard it in years. Even though last night he was laughing about the way my socks tickled his bare feet. “You and millions of preteen adolescents. It’s my undeniable charm, isn’t it?”

This time it was my turn to laugh as I pulled my blankets further over my arms. “Is that what you’re calling it?” I questioned playfully. “I just think you’ve got a voice the sound of nails on a chalkboard and people can’t help but hear it. You should really get that looked at.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Harry chimed dryly and I could hear drawers opening and closing. He was probably putting clothes away. “Like yours is any better. Tell me, do you like Minnie Mouse so much you need to impersonate her on a daily basis or do you naturally sound like a chipmunk on helium?”

“Shut up! I do not sound like Minnie Mouse.” I defended, trying to hide a laugh. “You need to get your ears checked. I’m sure they’ve gone bad from the constant screaming and crying.”

“Maybe. But that’s the most addicting sound in the world, Ava.”

I smiled at him for a moment. He may have been Harry Styles to most everyone in the world, but to me he was just Harry. There was no questioning his motives because they were plainly obvious: he loved what he did. His abandonment and loyalty and humility, those were the things I got to see in him every single day, even the days I couldn’t see him. Love was a word I usually associated with him, but proud was another.

“I love when you say things like that,” I hummed.

“I wouldn’t say them if they weren’t true.”

“I know that,” I agreed, switching my phone to the other ear as I flipped onto my side. “You’re a lot of things, Harry, but a liar isn’t one of them.”

A gush of air sounded and I knew he was smiling now. I could almost feel it. “Enlighten me.”

“I don’t have to,” I blushed, rubbing my ankles together to keep my feet warm. They were always cold without his, with or without socks. “You should already know.”

“Well, I don’t,” he grumbled.

“That’s just it, Harry. The fact that you don’t know what makes you special, is what makes you special to me,” I spoke before I could think about what I was saying. It was always a little hard for me to be vulnerable with him, but he deserved to know. “You’re the best and I’ll never be able to repay you for all that you do for me.”

“Ava--”

“And I’m so sorry for how immature I act when we talk about money and me coming to see you. You know I want to, I just can’t accept that from you right now.” I spoke quickly. It was all just sort of pouring out of me now.

Harry laughed, the line crackling. “Just shut up for a second so I can tell you how much I miss you already.”

“That’s it?” I asked, scoffing. “After all the things I said to you just now, that’s all I get? I love you, but damn, what’s a girl gotta do?”

I heard a clunking sound, like maybe silverware rubbing together, but I wasn’t positive. But what I was positive in, however, was that he wouldn’t hesitate in eating with me on the line.

It was a few seconds before I heard his gravely voice again. “Yup! It was duly noted, baby doll.”

I groaned, feeling slightly embarrassed as I heard him take a sip of a drink. “You disgust me.”

“I love you.”

Just like that, I was withering in his spell. Bound to his voice along with his words. “I love you, too.” I whispered.

“You should go to sleep. It’s late and you have a big day tomorrow.”

I knew I should have been fully rested when I went to visit my grandmother in the morning, but I never wanted to be the first to suggest hanging up. I don’t think Harry ever wanted to either, but he knew if he didn’t do it, we’d never get off the line.

As if on cue, a yawn escaped my throat. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s hard to fall asleep in a cold bed, though.”

“Call me if you have trouble sleeping, okay?” I could tell he was frowning by the way he spoke.

“I will,” I promised. “Night.”

“Goodnight, love. Sweet dreams. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

We exchanged a few more goodbyes and goodnights before hanging up. I locked my phone shut before connecting it to the charger and placing it on my bedside table. After turning around and staring at Harry’s empty side of the bed, an electric chill raced through my body, leaving goosebumps in it’s wake.

I loved Harry so much it hurt, sometimes. And right now was one of those times because as much as I loved him, I missed him.

Within minutes of laying in darkness and staring at the pillow his head usually was propped upon, the silence became too much-- like it always did. I shut my eyes as soon as the burn behind them started stinging, but that didn’t stop the tears that pushed their way past my closed eyelids as I moved to clutch his pillow to my chest.

My soft cries and whimpers were the only sounds to break the quiet.