These Four Walls

“Nana, they can’t help you if you keep resisting.” I told her, as she continued to turn her head while the nurse tried to pop a pill into her mouth.

It was only nine o’clock in the morning, but by the look in the nurses eyes and the constant fussing from my grandmother, I knew it was going to be one of those days. The kind of day that left you ready for a hot bubble bath, a good book, and a fluffed pillow before seven o’clock even struck.

My eyebrows squished together as I watched on with concern. I didn’t know if there was anyway I could help, but before I could, the nurse impatiently set the medication on my Nana’s nightstand. Before she left the room, she didn’t hesitate scribbling down a few notes on her clipboard, turning to give me a look with a somewhat sympathetic look on her face.

“I want those gone in the next hour or so, Mrs. Holloway,” she said and it was weird hearing my mother’s maiden name out loud. “They’ll help with the headaches that usually roll around at lunchtime. It’s bingo day. Hope you can make it.” The nurse smiled like she didn’t feel like sighing and giving up. If the roles were reversed, I don’t know if I could have handled my own patience the way she clearly could.

“I hate bingo,” Nana muttered, very slowly twiddling with the bracelet she never took off. “I’m always left with one number before somebody calls a damn bingo.”

“I see… Well, it’s completely your decision,” she chirped, tucking the clipboard under her arm before looking back at my grandmother. “Everything else looks good, Iris. Remember what I said, I want those gone as soon as possible.”

Before she left the room, she gave me a look only I could see, silently pleading with me that I take care of my Nana and make sure she took her meds. It was all easier said than done. Or in this case, not said.

“I have pretty bad luck at bingo, too. Maybe we should play together. That way it won’t seem so bad when the people around us win quarters and we spend ours on dry muffins.” I chuckled.

“I hate bingo.”

“But we used to play it all the time. You’re the one who taught me. Grandpa would always--”

“I hate bingo,” she grumbled, much more coherent.

So I swallowed my words and leaned back in my chair. I had made the mistake of bringing up Grandpa Jacob. She was never the same after he passed away. I was only ten, but even I knew what heart failure was. I remember locking myself in my room and crying my eyes out, not only for how much I was going to miss him and how much he was going to miss out on in my life, but because I never wanted to see my grandma so heartbroken.

After that, she sort of just drifted. She stopped coming to all my dance recitals and volleyball games. She missed out on my trombone solos and cheerleading competitions. As much as we tried to get her out of the house, we failed. I used to believe she didn’t think I was good enough, but as I got older, I realized she was just sad. People mourn differently and that’s just the way things went.

At times, like watching her wither away in a nursing home bed, I felt like I was letting her down and I felt horrible for taking this long to show I care about her. She was still my grandma, my own flesh and blood, and I loved her with every fiber of my being and I knew she loved me too, I just didn’t know how much anymore.

“Why won’t you let them help you, Nana?” I asked, hoping she’d actually want to talk to me about it. Maybe if she didn’t want their help, she’d want mine.

She turned her head, staring out the window. “I don’t need help, that’s why.”

That answered that.

I sighed. “Everybody needs a little help sometimes. Some things are hard to do all on our own.”

Harry told me those exact words on that windy day in London. Granted, the circumstances were a bit different. I remember I was exhausted from a long day of dog walking, which when I thought about it now, didn’t sound like a dilemma at all. Yet, Harry was an optimist and always made sure that the people around him were well on their feet before leaving them be. I remember thinking he was a bit strange, but the constant tug on my arms and chill in the air must have made me the crazy one. With a light in his eyes, he took all twelve dogs from me, promising to finish my route and to meet back on that street corner in an hour, before handing me money for a spa treatment.

That was the day we met.

“There’s nothing to do all on my own. I’m not sick,” she scowled, plucking her bracelet between her thumb and index finger. “I don’t know why you’re still here. You’re just like your mother, always pestering me.”

I kinked a brow, trying my best to smile. I figured if there was anything my grandmother appreciated it was mean humor. “I guess I just didn’t have anything better to do today.”

Her chest buckled back and forth so fast I hardly caught it. It was a small chuckle, but it was there like heaven on earth. “I figured as much.”

“Is your bed alright? I can adjust it if you’d like,” I offered, standing up to walk towards the controls next to her arm. “You seem a little upright.”

“I’m fine,” she stopped me by shifting her arm an inch to the left, covering the dials. “If I want it lower I’ll move it myself.”

All I could do was bite my lip and nod. There was no doubting that Iris Holloway was stubborn and a force to be reckon with. She’d always had a fire in her. When I was six she took me to the races with her and Grandpa Jacob, and some man and his wife claimed we were in their seats. I remember staring with wide eyes as Grandpa started apologizing and stood up, while Nana pulled him back down and told the strangers so simply, “I don’t see your names on them.”

“Can you at least take those pills?” I asked, lifting an arm in their direction. She didn’t even bother turning her head.

“I’ll take them when I’m good and ready,” she coaxed before squinting her eyes. “Although, they serve no purpose. It’s such a waste.”

I almost wanted to scream in her face. Tell her, “Nana, you’re sick! You’re sick, and there’s nothing we can do to fix it, we can only help it hurt a little less.” But she didn’t want to hear that, nor would she accept that. If she didn’t think she was sick, I couldn’t force her. All I knew was that it was going to be a painful day for all of us when she realized what we knew all along.

***

Sawyer was already sitting at a table when I got to Corey’s Corner that afternoon. It was in the middle of the dining area, but looking around at quite a few empty tables in the room, I didn’t mind it. He was dressed in a red button down shirt with a few buttons at the top unfastened, his usual suspenders, and a fedora. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he hadn’t ordered without me.

“Why are you always late for everything?” He asked when I finally reached him, setting my purse on the empty chair next to mine before taking a seat across from him. “I was starting to think you were going to bail and I’d have to confess my relationship problems to the bartender.”

“You’re kidding me,” I laughed. “If I was going to bail, I’d call you first.”

His face fell as he paused from taking a drink of his water. “At least you’d have that decency.”

I frowned, “What do you mean?”

“Well, Aaron’s gone completely MIA again. The last time I talked to him was the night of your birthday,” he explained, lifting his menu as I followed suit. “I mean, yeah, I was pretty hammered and yeah, I may or may not have made out with Kevin Polesky and sure, Aaron might have seen it happen or not happen, but I don’t think that should be any reason to avoid me.”

I didn’t mean to, but I giggled and there was no stopping it. “I think that gives him every right to avoid you, actually.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side about this.”

“I am,” I smiled, reaching across the table to rub his arm. “I’m on your side as soon as you admit you’re a whore.”

“Ava!” He gasped, shaking out of my touch as the waitress came by to take our order. She seemed a bit confused by Sawyer and I’s exchange, but she wasn’t about to ask any related questions.

The only question she had to ask was, “What can I get for you?”

Sawyer looked up at the red-headed waitress with a smug smile on his face. “I’d like a new best friend. One a little less porcelain and brutally honest, but I’m guessing you don’t have that on the menu, do you?”

I blushed, covering my face. When we finally put the joking aside, we ordered our food and drinks. It didn’t take long, with the lack of customers, for our spaghetti and garlic bread to be placed in front of us. We both dug in without hesitating. I was starving after not eating all day, it was hard enough getting my grandmother to eat anything.

“If you were me and Harry was Aaron, how would you handle this situation?” Sawyer asked me, wiping a splinter of sauce from his mouth with a napkin.

I swallowed. “I mean, I guess I would tell him it didn’t mean anything and beg for his forgiveness. There’s no excuses, though.”

“Mmm…” he hummed, like he was trying his best to listen while he munched down on a meatball.

“It’s different for me and Harry, though,” I stated.

“How so?”

I chuckled, “We love eachother. You and Aaron don’t and that’s probably half the problem.”

“So you’re saying I should give up?” He furrowed his eyebrows and sunk lower in his seat. His cheek puffed out where his tongue pushed against it on the inside.

“No,” I started. “I just think you need to ask yourself if you would have kissed Kevin if you thought your relationship with Aaron was really worth it.”

He thought for a moment. “Good point. Now let me ask you something,” he hinted, pushing forward in his seat again. His light colored eyes looked at me with all seriousness, which was something that only happened on a rare occasion. I licked my lips, almost preparing myself. “How do you know?”

I shrugged with a grin. That was an easy one. “You don’t hurt the ones you love.”

***

It was that dreaded time, 7:00 PM. I was right about being tired. When Sawyer gave me a ride home, it was about 6:30. In the half hour I’d been home I managed to wrangle myself out of my collared, coral tank top and high-waisted shorts, which by the way were a very bad decision for all the sitting I did today. Then, I took a shower. A bath would have been more acceptable, but I didn’t have the patience at the moment. Sweatpants needed to come on as soon as possible.

I was in the middle of stirring a pot full of macaroni when Harry called and I picked it up on the fourth ring. I wasn’t expecting him to call. It had to have been at least one in the morning for him.

“Baby, you’ll never guess what I did today!” He shouted before I even got around to saying hello. There were a million possibilities, I just didn’t know where to start.

“Um…” I thought out loud, stirring the pot some more. “You went bungee jumping.”

“Nope.”

“You went snorkling.”

“Noooo,” he drew out, getting more excited.

“Oh, I know!” I exclaimed, remembering a conversation we had weeks ago. “You finally got that mole on your back removed, didn’t you?”

“No!” He blurted out. “Jesus Christ!”

I rolled my eyes. “Would you just tell me already? I’m never gonna guess it.”

“I got us a dog!” He squealed like a schoolboy talking about his first crush and my eyes bugged out of my head. A dog? Did he really just say that? “Well, he’s mostly yours because I thought he could stay at your place. You know I don’t like you there by yourself. A dog is the best kind of company you can have.”

There were a lot of questions and thoughts floating around in my head. Getting a dog right now seemed to be a bit overwhelming, especially with the lack of co-workers at Anytime Graphics and my sick grandmother, but for some reason the biggest question that stood out to me was, “How much was he?”

“I knew you’d be mad if I spent money on a dog for you, so I got him for free at the pound! They said if no one wanted him in the next couple of weeks they were going to put him down. He’s so cute, Ava, but in a kind of ugly way. I think with a bit of attention and a long brushing, he’ll be good as new.”

I think I was still in shock that Harry had bought me a dog that I didn’t notice the macaroni burning until I could smell it in the air. Smoke started creeping out of the pot, but I pulled it off the burner and swatted the smoke away as best as I could before the smoke alarm could go off. I sighed into the phone.

“I don’t know how to take care of a dog, Harry. The last thing I want to do is let it down,” I frowned.

“You won’t, I promise. You’ll fall in love with him the second you meet him. I wouldn’t have gotten him if I didn’t think he was good for you. And it’s not like you’re completely alone in this, I’ll help as much as I can. He’s under both of our names.”

His words were reassuring and sure, I had a lot of reasons as to why I should turn the offer down. But on the other hand, I was an only child and I’d never had a dog growing up. I used to think I was the only little girl on the block without one. Plus, this poor, innocent soul was going to take a trip to doggy heaven if I didn’t take him in. How could I say no?

Maybe Harry was right. Maybe now I wouldn’t feel so alone when he was gone. At the very least, I hoped the dog was cute.