These Four Walls

May 10th, 2014

I couldn’t help but cringe at the way the narrow halls smelled of old wood and also, vaguely like cinnamon pastries. I usually preferred not to be reminded that my grandmother was cooped up in such a religious cave, but right now I couldn’t pull my thoughts away from it for even a second. I couldn’t imagine how this environment was healthy. If anything, it was only making all of the residents sicker.

I thought of this while I rounded a corner, stampeding past a woman struggling to fit a puzzle together and a man yelling absentmindedly at an old television set. When I was standing in front of her room, I didn’t hesitate in peeking my head in before stepping in completely and tossing my purse on the counter. I noticed there were get-well and thinking-of-you cards strewn about, but I hadn’t a clue who would have sent them considering -as awful as it was- most of my relatives wanted her dead.

“Don’t look so happy to see me, dear.” Iris grumbled.

I glanced at her lying motionless in her bed. “Sorry, I just don’t really know why I’m here. Are you feeling okay?”

“That’s just it. I’m more than okay,” she said. “I don’t know why I’m still here in this bed with these gross sheets and flat pillows.”

It was hard to swallow, but I did it anyways with a loud gulp. “You have to be, grandma.”

“No,” she said a bit louder as her nails clutched into the mattress. “No, I really don’t. How many times do I have to tell you people I’m not sick? It’s getting old.”

It would have been easy for me to say “No, it’s you who’s getting old.”, but I bit my tongue.

Cringing, I fumbled with my phone so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eyes. The same eyes that were once filled with so much life and comfort were now shallow slits of nothingness. How could she call her own family people. I mean, yeah I didn’t care for this nursing home much and what it had to offer, or more like, what it didn’t. But I knew she was sick and needed the extra help, even if she didn’t believe it herself.

I cleared my throat. “Do you want me to get you anything? I can get you a water or something if you’re thirsty.”

“I can do that myself.”

“How about we watch some-”

“No.”

I sighed.

“Why did you ask me to come here?” I asked after a few minutes of heavy silence that was weighing down on my shoulders, making me slouch down in a chair.

She shrugged and looked to the window.

“You’re not sure?”

She shook her head. “Not really. I just-- they gave me another one of those dreadful muffins at dinner. I remember you saying they weren’t all that bad, so I hid it under my bed. Thought maybe you could eat it so I wouldn’t have to.”

I chuckled, crouching to check under the small space between the floor and her mattress. “Ew, Nana.”

“Oh hush, I set it on a napkin. I’m no dummy.”

“I don’t know why you hate these so much. They’re a little rough around the edges, but once you get past the raisins they’re actually quite tasty.” I said, about to take the first bite.

Her lip twitched, “So disgusting. They’ve got them all brainwashed to eat dry, oatmeal raisin muffins. Can’t stand it.”

I licked a crumb off the corner of my mouth, “Will you stop already? It’s just a muffin.”

“It’s not just a muffin!” Iris snapped. “It’s everything! I don’t want to eat their food or play their stupid bingo games or take their worthless medications. I’m so fed up. I’m not even sick! What do you do when you’re sick, Ava? I’ll tell you, you drink some damn orange juice and take a nap. Why can’t I just do that… why!?”

I lowered the muffin, chewing slower as I realized my grandma wasn’t just upset anymore. She was sad. I even noticed a couple tears roll down her delicately wrinkled cheek. Suddenly, I wasn’t so hungry for a dry, raisin-filled muffin.

“I want to go home,” she stated, attempting to get out of bed. “I’m going home... let me go home!”

I raced over to her and tried ushering her back under the covers. “Grandma, please. Just sit back down.”

“No. You sit down for two months and see how you like it!”

“Please, you need rest,” I tried to reason with her, but all that got me was a forceful shove and a swing to the head that I fortunately dodged.

She was flailing now, her body heavy against me. With her arms stretched in front of her, she did everything she could to push past me and get out the door. She batted me, hit me, scratched me, and with all of the commotion happening so suddenly, I didn’t notice the three nurses rush in to separate us --forcing her down in her bed, sticking a needle in her while she shouted and cursed.

I didn’t notice the tears pooling from my eyes, either, as I watched from the corner.

However, I did recall hearing her shout “I can’t feel my legs! Something’s wrong!”.

So I ran out, crying.

****

On the bus back to my apartment, I hesitantly reached into my pocket to retrieve my phone, dodging the woman seated next to me who was casually breastfeeding her baby. Harry called me a few times while I was visiting my grandma, but with my phone on silent and with everything that happened I missed them.

“Hi, Harry. Sorry, I called you as soon as I could.” I rambled, covering my other ear with my hand. I prayed he wouldn’t be able to tell I had been crying my eyes out not twenty minutes ago.

The bustle of people I heard on his end almost drowned out the sound of his voice. “It’s alright. Just don’t let it happen again.”

“Okay, relax. It won’t,” I laughed, but it wasn’t really a laugh. “Why is it so loud? Where are you?”

“The airport. Be expecting me and our furry child at your place in two hours.”

I let out a squeal, catching a few confused looks from the strangers on the bus. It seems like years since I last seen Harry, even though it had really been a short series of days. I always missed him in ways that took my breath away. As much as I wished he wasn’t bringing a dog with him, my stomach fluttered at the mere thought of wrapping my arms around him. Right now, I wanted nothing more.

“You’re getting very good at surprise visits.” I told him.

“I have to be,” he chuckled. “Nothing makes me more happy than making you happy and recently, surprises seem to be the way to do that. Plus, any spare time I get I want to spend with you. You’re kind of my favorite if you didn’t know.”

I felt my cheeks go red and I was thankful he couldn’t see it. Heaving my purse up my shoulder, I checked the time. “Your favorite has to get going. I’m getting off the bus, but I’ll see you very, very soon.”

I heard the bark of a dog before Harry hushed it and spoke some sort of gibberish. I smiled while I stepped down the stairs and into the chill of the night. I only had a block more to walk until I reached my place.

“Why did you take the bus?” Harry asked me and I could almost see his nose scrunch up at his question. “It’s dark, you shouldn’t be taking public transportation. Especially not alone!”

I rolled my eyes. He worried too much. “I didn’t really have a choice. My car is still a bust.”

“I’ll buy you a new one.”

I scoffed. “Just keep your money in your pocket and that dog on a leash and I’ll see you soon. And could you pick up some Chinese? I’m starving.”

“Will do, love.” He replied. “Oh yeah, and Ava?”

“Yeah?” I asked, looking both ways to cross the street.

“I love you.”

I smiled, and I meant it. “I love you, too.”

Click.

When I got to my apartment, the first thing I did was head straight for the bathroom to run a hot bath. I may not have accomplished much, or anything at all, but body aches were telling me I just had one of the longest days of my life. My neck had a kink and my knees were beginning to twitch. A sure sign that I needed to lay low for the night with no more worries.

By the time I tied my hair up, brushed my teeth, and stripped out of my clothes, the bath was nearly full. It took two seconds to find my favorite bath bomb and toss it in. Immediately, a relaxing sensation took over me and I hadn’t even stepped in, but when I did, every ache and pain completely vanished.

In the comfort of my own bathroom was where I really let my brain bring to life whatever it felt the need to. Usually it was just petty things like why the loud gum chewer got a promotion and I didn’t, or how Russell always managed to make me feel super uncomfortable, yet I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. Why did I do that?

Then, there was my grandma --Iris. As I sighed and ran a loofa across my stomach, I thought of a million reasons what this could mean. She was old, so obviously her health wasn’t getting any better, but she was also a fighter. She always had been. If I knew Iris, and I thought I did, I knew old age wouldn’t be the way she went out. But then what? All I could hear in my head was her shouting that she couldn’t feel her legs. I was scared for her and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix her.

I should call my mom.

But I won’t. I’d rather let the nurses do that.

After my bath and clearing my head a little bit, I quickly tidied up the place. I hated living in a messy apartment more than I hated Harry leaving the toilet seat up even after I scold him about it for the billionth time.

I made sure the dishes were washed, the carpets were vacuumed, the bed was made, and the toilet seat was down, before I even thought about letting Harry walk through the door, even though I knew his shoes would be dirty. The radio started playing an old Britney Spears song while I finished taking a load out of the washer. I was too busy singing and stuffing clothes into the dryer I hadn’t heard feet shuffle through the kitchen and down the hall until they were standing behind me.

Suddenly it was like I could feel his eyes on me, causing me to drop the lid of the dryer --making a loud thud sound-- and spin around quickly on my heels. I blushed when I heard his voice.

“Baby, I can’t hit you one more time if I’ve never hit you in the first place.” He had bags under his eyes, his hair was tangled aimlessly, and it didn’t matter what stupid pun was coming out of his mouth, it was Harry.

A smile crept to my face a split second before I slipped my hands over his shoulders and leaped, wrapping my legs around his torso. The squeal that erupted from me was muffled by Harry’s neck and he laughed, wrapping an arm around my back and squeezing me as if I’d disappear if he ever let go.

“Hey. I’ve missed you, pretty girl,” he rasped.

I felt a hot tear roll off my face and onto Harry’s jacket, but I didn’t care because it was a happy tear. He’s turned me into a sap. “You’re finally here.”

“I’m home.”

I lifted my head to look at him. “You’re my home,” I smiled teasingly and he knew I was mocking him.

Rolling his eyes, he placed me back on the ground. “Why do you always have to ruin a moment by making fun of me?”

I shrugged, hearing whining in the kitchen. “It wouldn’t be a true Hava moment if I didn’t.”

Harry groaned, following behind me down the hallway. “And why do you have to say the ship name out loud? It’s awful.”

“What? You don’t think it’s cute?”

“Not in the slightest,” he snarled, hopping in front of me as we entered the kitchen. There was a small square shape in the middle of the room with a blanket over the top of it and I watched as Harry knelt down beside it. “I don’t fancy the word cute, but if I was going to use it, I’d use it on this little fella under here. Feast your eyes!”

Crossing my arms, I kinked an eyebrow and tried to hold in a laugh. “Harry, you do know I’ve already seen the dog. You sent me pictures.”

His face fell. “Let me have this moment.”

And with that, he lifted the blanket with a swoosh and yelled, “tada!” before unclasping the lock that contained the canine from my newly scrubbed floor.

“Come on out little guy,” Harry soothed, reaching into the kennel. “There ya go, it’s alright. Meet your new mummy.”

I laughed, taking the dog from Harry’s hands as it snorted and timidly held it close to my chest. It was shaped like a log and it didn’t necessarily feel like what holding my ‘child’ for the first time would feel like.

“Am I doing this right?” I asked, feeling the dog squirm in my hands.

“Er… yeah… no. Here, try this.” He stepped closer and repositioned the dog into the crook of my arm. It stopped twisting and squirming and I was finally able to get a closer look at it.

It wasn’t the prettiest dog I’ve seen, or the cuddliest or <i>quietest</i>, but in it’s own weird way, it was cute.

And it was ours.

Then it licked my cheeks and I was a giddy fit of laughter, talking in a way a mother would to her baby. “Oh, goodness! What did I do to deserve this? Thank you thank you thank you.”

Harry watched on with an equally large smile on his face. “I’m glad you two love each other because he doesn’t exactly have a return policy.”

I stared down at the bug-eyed boston terrier in my arms and even though we were joking around before, I knew that it was home.

****

“How about Jasper? I quite like that name.”

I scrunched my nose, “Like the strange one in Twilight? Veto.”

It was half past one in the morning and we were lounging on my bed with a bowl of popcorn, the tv on mute, and a nameless dog between our feet. Coming up with a name was harder than I thought it was going to be. I didn’t think I’d actually have an attachment to it, it could have been called ‘dog’ and I would have been fine, but now that I’ve warmed up to the idea of having a pet, the name had to be perfect.

“Is it just me or is Veto starting to sound really good?” I asked, half serious.

Harry popped a few kernels into his mouth. “Veto!”

We took turns reaching our buttery fingers into the bowl and for a while, all that could be heard was our chewing as we each sat deep in thought. Maybe George? Or I really liked Felix. But maybe I wanted it to have a pet name. The kind of name you wouldn’t name a human. Like Cosmo. Yeah, I liked Cosmo.

“I have one! How about--”

“How about you tell me what you were so upset about when we were on the phone earlier,” he interrupted. “Your voice sounded like it hadn’t been used in days. That happens when you’ve been crying. I just want to know why? Was it that low life you call your mechanic, because I swear to God I’ve had it with him.”

“No, it’s not him.”

“Then what’s going on, Ava? Are you okay?”

I nodded, looking down at my hands. “I’m fine, but… I went to the nursing home today. The nurses called me and said Iris wanted to see me.”

Harry placed his hand on top of mine, making me look at him. “That’s good though, right? From what I can tell she never wants any sort of company.”

I nodded again. “That’s what I thought too. At first it was nice, ya know… she was actually acting like a decent human being. Well… for her anyways. But then it was like some sort of switch flipped and she just… she just changed. And she was angry, Harry, like <i>really</i> angry.”

His eyes stared into mine with concern, rubbing my hands with his thumb before he placed a kiss on my temple. “The whole situation really sucks.”

“Yeah… and I just… I know now that it’s not going to get any better. This is it. I feel it.”

“Baby, don’t say that,” he reasoned, trying to give me some sort of hope.

“No, Harry, I’m serious. I just know somehow. I feel it in my bones and it’s not just the bruises she inflicted on me either,” I half laughed, but I knew it wasn’t funny.

I could feel the sting behind my eyes as Harry tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I placed my legs over his lap and laid my head on his shoulder, snuggling into the crook of his next and wiping the bottom of my eye before a tear had the chance to slip out.

“But you know what the worst part about it is?” I asked almost in a whisper.

“Hmm?”

I took in a breath and exhaled slowly, trying to pull myself together enough to get the words out. “I don’t know if I’m sad because my grandma is dying, or… or if I’m sad because I’m not sad enough.”

A sob released from my lungs and Harry pulled me in tighter, resting his head on mine. “I know my opinion doesn’t really matter, but do you want to know what I think?”

I nodded against him.

“I think given the circumstances, you and your family are handling this with such grace. And I know it’s hard on you, believe me, I notice. But in the end, everything is going to happen the way it’s supposed to and you’re going to be just fine,” he explained. “It’s easier said than done, but you’re the strongest woman I know, Ava.”

I lifted my head, willing myself to look at him and stare into each of his soulful green eyes. I knew now he was my clutch, my backbone. He gave me the reassurance I always needed and he always did it so flawlessly. You never can truly love somebody until you’ve suffered with them, and I was suffering. I have suffered and he’s always been right behind me to pick up the pieces.

“I hope so,” I said.

He smiled reassuringly, swiping the pad of his thumb across my cheek. “I know so.”

A smile slipped by my lips a second before his were on mine, it was sweet and tender and drawn out and perfect. When his hand rested under the bottom of my shirt and traced my skin, I didn’t know how I ever managed to go so long without his touch or his kiss or everything that made him so wonderful to me. When he pulled away, I giggled and quickly caught him off guard with one more kiss, giving him no time to kiss me back.

I grinned, “You taste like butter.”

Then he threw a popcorn kernel at me and threw his arms up in victory when it went down my shirt.