Bulletproof Love

Hi there! I really hope you guys enjoy this fic! I've been working really hard in planning it, so hopefully it turns out as good as I want it to. :P WARNING: SOME PARTS MAY BE TRIGGERING OR HAVE SMUT. I will not be posting the warnings on every chapter that it applies to, so if you have trouble with reading about suicide/depression/anxiety then maybe don't read.

Vic's POV

September 6, 2014

Why? That was the first word that came to mind as I walked around and saw all of the tortured faces around me. There was a lot of crying, mostly from people that I didn't know. Maybe they were Kellin's relatives. I had never met half of the people in this room.

I walked through the small crowd before me until I reached the far wall of the room that most other people seemed to be avoiding. Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared down at my boyfriend's coffin. I just couldn't stop crying for the past three days, ever since it happened. I wanted to try to keep a brave face here, though. I would leave the crying for when I was alone and could do it in peace. I placed one shaky hand on top of the coffin.

"I'm so sorry, baby," I whispered. "I'll come for you eventually."

For the next thirty minutes or so, I spent time walking around the funeral home and talking to some of the mourners. I soon found myself leaning against a wall, staring across the room at Kellin's coffin. Part of me hoped that when I went home, he would be sitting on the couch writing like usual. He would look at me, his bright green eyes staring up at me brightly. But I knew that I would never see him again. He would never again wear that gorgeous smile that I already missed so much.

I was torn away from my own thoughts as a short female figure approached me on my left. I looked over at the woman and saw that it was Kellin's mother. I was surprised that she even bothered to talk to me. We weren't exactly on the best of terms the last time we spoke. She looked up at me with teary eyes and brushed a piece of short brown hair behind her ear.

"Vic, I'm glad I found you," she said. Well that was a surprise. "Look, I know we had our differences, but I really want to move past that. I think Kellin would want us to, also."

I decided that it was best not to argue or bring up the past right now, so I just nodded.

"I agree," I replied. She smiled.

"Good. Well I'm going to go talk to some people that just arrived. Take care of yourself, Victor," she said before walking off. I knew that a short conversation wasn't going to change what happened, but I was glad that she was finally trying to act like a mature adult. I just hated that Kellin had to die before she finally realized not to treat people like shit.

Seeing Kellin's mother just started bringing back lots of memories. They started flooding my mind and I couldn't control them. I couldn't think straight. I had to get out of there.

I quickly made my way out of the funeral home, jogging through the parking lot to get to my car. The sky above me was cloudy and overcast, not helping my mood at all. Tears started spilling from my eyes as I strapped myself in behind the steering wheel. I tried to get home without causing any wrecks, which I did, but there were a few close calls when my vision started to blur too much from the tears.

Why did this have to happen to Kellin? Or more so, why did he do it to himself? I was the one to find him. He was sitting lifeless in the bathtub that we shared in our small house, surrounded by water that had been stained red from his blood. He had used the small pistol that we kept in the bedroom, which we had in case of intruders, to take his own life. I couldn't get the image out of my head now. I knew that it would haunt me until the day I died.

I ran into my house and slammed the front door shut behind me, sliding down it until I was sitting on the hard wooden floor. I completely lost it. I started bawling my eyes out. My mind kept wandering back to three days ago when I entered the house, so excited about the present that I had just gotten for Kellin. But he never got to see it. If only I had known what was waiting for me upstairs.

After sobbing on the floor for who knows how long, I finally picked myself up somewhat and trudged upstairs to the room that I used to share with Kellin. I made sure not to look inside the bathroom. The door was shut and I never wanted to look inside of it again.

I slowly pushed the bedroom door open, cringing slightly as the hinges creaked. The sound seemed much more irritating than usual. It was as if the house knew. I made my way over to the bed and shakily sat down on it. A few stray tears were still running down my face, and I wiped at them desperately. Kellin wouldn't want me to cry.

In an attempt to soothe myself, I reached over and grabbed Kellin's pillow from beside me. I slept on it every night now. It still had his scent on it, and I loved breathing it in as I fell asleep. I buried my face in it and inhaled deeply. The faint scents of cologne and mint still lingered in the soft fabric. I squeezed the pillow a little tighter when I heard a sound. It was like crinkling paper. Confused, I looked around the room to see what it was, but nothing seemed out of place. I was about to set the pillow back down when I heard it again, but this time I could tell where the source of the noise was. It sounded like it was coming from the pillow.

I picked it up again and looked inside the pillow case. There was a small piece of folded up notebook paper inside. How had I not noticed that before? I pulled it out and unfolded it, immediately noticing that it was covered in Kellin's messy handwriting. I started reading.

Dear Vic,

I know you're blaming yourself. Don't. The reason I did this had nothing to do with you. You know that I have been struggling for a long time. I just can't take it anymore. I can't fight it, and it's not getting better. But none of this was your fault. I love you with all of my heart. Ever since we met, you've been the one constant, comforting thing in my life. Words can't express how grateful I am to you that despite everything I put you through, you still loved me regardless. I was so selfish. I still am. I've always put my problems before yours and I end up hurting you, which is the last thing I ever wanted to do. But no matter how selfish, or stupid, or mean, or irritating I got, you always stuck with me and supported me and loved me. You're so perfect, and I know that I never deserved you. I'l never fully understand why you loved me, but I guess that's because I never loved myself. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you like this, but you'll move on eventually. You'll fall in love with someone else, and you'll get married and have the happy life that you deserve. I want you to. Please make a promise to me that you will never hurt yourself, because you are worth so much more than all the trouble that life will bring you. You're worth so much more than me. I just can't keep waking up every day wanting to die, hoping that things will get better, because they won't. You're the only thing that's keeping me alive, but I know that you won't want me forever, and that's okay. I don't want to be here forever. I've had my time. I love you so much. My love for you seems to be the only part of me that's bulletproof, the part that will never die, no matter what.

Love, Kellin

I let out a strangled sob as I finished the letter, placing it on the bed beside me and bursting into tears for the umpteenth time. Memories started flooding my brain, and I couldn't stop them. I just wanted to hold on to every good moment I had with him. I still remembered perfectly the night that we met, the night that my life changed forever.

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9 months earlier

December 31, 2013

I walked aimlessly through the crowded house, trying to avoid getting alcohol spilled all over my new shirt. This house was filled with so many drunk people it wasn't even funny. It was my friend Alex's New Years Eve party, and everyone he knew plus a hundred more showed up. No one in LA could resist a party, but I was only here to comply with Alex's wishes. I knew he had been planning this for months, and it wouldn't be fair to reject his invitation.

I walked up the long spiral staircase to the third floor. There was a balcony up here and I needed some fresh air. Let's just say I didn't exactly hold my alcohol well and I was feeling a bit dizzy at the moment. I gripped onto the railing and hauled myself up the steps, finally reaching the top level of the house and walking straight out to the balcony.

I rested my forearms on the railing and let my cup dangle in my hand over the side. I had a pretty good view of the city from here. It was one of my favorite things to look at. I loved watching the city lights twinkle, illuminating the starless dark purple night sky. I had to give props to Alex. He was pretty stacked as far as money goes. He was the singer of a band called All Time Low, and he was able to afford a pretty lavish home.

I sighed contentedly and giggled when my breath came out in a white puff. It was pretty damn cold out here, being a December night and all, but my drunk self didn't care. I liked being out here, by myself. It was peaceful. It was -

I was suddenly pulled from my thoughts when an unknown force pushed me forward, almost causing me to drop my drink off the ledge.

"Shit!" I hissed and regained my balance just in time. I turned around with a glare, ready to go off at whoever had bumped into me, but I was met with a shocked and regretful expression.

"I'm - I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, I promise!" the man in front of me apologized. I looked him up and down quickly. He had jet black hair that fell to his shoulders and beautiful blue-green eyes that glanced up at me nervously. He seemed genuinely sorry, so I decided that I wouldn't get mad at him. Plus he was pretty attractive. Maybe something good would come out of this party. I smirked and shook my head.

"No problem. What's your name?" I asked.

"Um, Kellin," he replied shyly. Hmm, Kellin. That's a nice name. I extended my hand for him to shake.

"I'm Vic," I said with a small smile. Kellin's lips twitched up in a forced smile as he took my hand. I could tell that he was intimidated by me, but I didn't want him to be. I took a sip of my beer.

"So how do you know Alex?" I asked in attempt to make small talk.

"Uh, w-we went to high school together. I just moved to the area and Alex thought it would be a good idea to come and try to make friends," he said.

"Make any friends yet?" I asked. Kellin shook his head and looked around uncomfortably. I felt bad for him. He had probably been wandering around downstairs for a good hour or so, not talking to anyone and just feeling ignored. I mean, that's basically what I had been doing, but with him it sounded a lot sadder.

"Well hey, now you've got one," I said while playfully nudging him in the side. He looked up at me and smiled, an actual real smile. It was the first time I'd seen one on him and it made him look even more attractive than before. It was so beautiful that I couldn't help but beam in return.

"So, um, how do you know Alex?" he asked.

"Our bands are touring together. I'm the singer for Pierce the Veil," I explained. Kellin nodded.

"That's cool. I've always been interested in music, but I've never tried to pursue it," he said.

"You should try. It's a hell of a lot of fun," I suggested. Kellin shrugged.

"Yeah, maybe one day," he muttered. I turned my back to him and stared out at the city skyline again.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" I asked quietly. Kellin slowly joined my side at the railing.

"Yeah, it is," he said.

"I've always liked coming up here at night, just looking out at all the lights," I murmured. A comfortable silence fell over us as we took in the sights before us. I chuckled.

"You know when you bumped into me I almost dropped my drink on someone in the backyard," I laughed. Kellin laughed as well.

"That actually would have been really funny," he said. I looked at him mischievously.

"You wanna do it?" I asked. He looked down at the ground below us where a few people were standing around, then at my drink on the table behind me.

"Totally," he said with a sly grin. I retrieved my drink from the table then stood at the edge of the balcony again, peering down. The first person I saw was this guy named Jonny standing directly below us. Perfect target. I held my drink over the ledge and poured out about half the cup, hoping that it would land on him. I didn't really have the best aim, even when I was sober. I guess I got lucky because most of the liquid ended up on Jonny's jacket. He looked up with at the balcony with a death glare.

"Fuentes!" he shouted. Both Kellin and I ducked back, stifling our laughter. I knew that I would probably regret that tomorrow, but right now I didn't care. Kellin finally couldn't hold it back anymore, bursting out into a fit of giggles. He had the most adorable laugh, it was contagious. I found myself chuckling along with him.

"That was fun," he sighed. I was glad that he was more comfortable with me now. I just smiled at him. There were loud cheers from inside the house, and suddenly the balcony was flooded with people. Alex made his way to the front of the crowd and stood behind me and Kellin.

"What's going on?" I asked, disappointed that I was no longer alone with Kellin. I wanted to get to know him better.

"Twenty seconds to midnight, dude!" he yelled. My eyes lit up. Maybe I could get a New Years kiss with Kellin. I just hoped he was actually gay like me, or else that would turn into a disaster. I looked at him and eyed him up quickly. He was staring off into the distance, waiting for the countdown to begin, just as eager as everyone else at the party. I glanced down at his lips, admiring the way his tongue swiftly brushed over the pink skin, and if I didn't want to kiss him before then I definitely did now.

"Ten!" everyone behind me called out, startling me. The countdown has begun.

"Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five!"

Okay, Vic, you can do this. You're a good enough kisser. Don't worry about the possibility of rejection. Just push that out of your mind.

"Four!"

I moved closer to Kellin, letting our shoulders brush together, and mentally prepared myself.

"Three! Two!"

Calm down, Vic. It's just a kiss. It doesn't have to be that big of a deal.

"One! Happy New Years!"

I turned to Kellin, ready to kiss him, but I froze. What if he doesn't kiss back? What if he's straight? I could see a few people kissing out of the corner of my eye. They could do it, and so could I. Why was I so nervous? My thoughts were interrupted when I felt a hand on my shoulder forcefully spinning me around.

"Oh, come here you!" Alex slurred, and pulled me towards him for a big, sloppy kiss. I was so stunned that I didn't even respond, but I knew that he meant nothing by the kiss. This was Alex, we joked around like this all the time. I was disappointed, however, that I'd missed my chance with Kellin. I put my hand on Alex's side and gently pushed him away.

"Okay, slow your roll there, buddy," I laughed. Alex just smiled at me.

"Victor, will you be my valentine?" he asked with a cheesy grin. I rolled my eyes.

"Alex, Valentine's Day is in February," I pointed out. Alex stuck his tongue out at me, but his expression quickly turned to one of discomfort.

"Vic . . . I don't feel good," he mumbled.

"Oh, shit. Come on, let's get you inside," I said and let him drape his arm around me. I turned to Kellin at the last minute. "I'll be right back."

Kellin nodded and I took that as a go-ahead to leave. I led Alex inside to the nearest bathroom. We got there just in time for him to get sick into the toilet. I sat there with him until his stomach was empty, although the sounds made me want to be sick myself. I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face. I didn't get my New Years kiss, at least not the one I wanted, and now I had to listen to Alex throw up. I knew that someone had to help him out though, and I was just being a good friend, but I wished that I could be out there with Kellin right now.

"Vic, can you take me to my bed?" Alex asked groggily from his spot on the floor. I nodded.

"Yeah, come on. You need to rest," I sighed. I helped him stand up and walk down a flight of stairs to his room, which was no easy task. We finally arrived and I helped him out of his clothes and into his fresh clean bed, which he would probably puke in again in the morning. I brought him a glass of water then left him on his own, hoping that no one would disturb him in his sleep. This house was still full of people after all.

I jogged back up the stairs, trying to get back to Kellin as fast as I could. There were still about twenty people out on the balcony. I waded through them, trying to get back to the ledge, but the dark haired boy wasn't where I had asked him to wait for me. I turned around, looking at all my surroundings, but Kellin was nowhere in sight.