Status: a continual Work in progress
The Real Story
What?
Date, Time (EST)
I don’t even know what time is anymore. I’m in so much pain that I don’t even remember what day of the week it was. Or how much time it took me to internalize this letter. All I did know was that we were two broken people trying to make it work by putting Band-Aids over the cracks.
I was caught in a mess of worlds:
1. It can’t possibly be my fault he had every chance in the world to tell me and he chose not to. I’m not to blame, I don’t need to feel guilty for not knowing because if he actually care about me and my feelings he would have told me. He didn’t want love, support, help, or anything because he was too busy stuffing his face full of pills. (Rabid Angry Dog)
2. How could I have not known?! My poor bear, my teddy bear all alone and feeling so empty that he needed to fill up with pills. He has been looking awful thin lately. How could I have let him do this? I’m supposed to take care of him, nurture him, and mend his wounds….. (the ‘50’s house wife in me…meh)
3. This is all my fault. Of course being with me caused him to fall into this deep dark hole. My god, I’m a terrible person. I let him fall, if not I pushed him. I pushed him deep down to where he might not get out. I shouldn’t be here. (The self-deprecator)
4. I can’t deal with this. My needs are way too important for his excuses. (The independent)
5. I love him. I want him. I miss him. I need him. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. (Little Miss Needy)
6. POOR BRONX! The baby, my favorite little one. He needs to be taken care of. I need to get back there and fix Peter and protect the little guy. (Wanna-be Mama)
I am way too many people on the inside to make any coherent decision. I can’t get everyone in my head to agree unanimously. I don’t know if I’ll be able to let go of what he did, but I don’t know if I can live without him.
“Am I more than you bargained for yet?”
( He asked me one month in, I didn't answer then.)
Yes, yes you are.
I don’t even know what time is anymore. I’m in so much pain that I don’t even remember what day of the week it was. Or how much time it took me to internalize this letter. All I did know was that we were two broken people trying to make it work by putting Band-Aids over the cracks.
I was caught in a mess of worlds:
1. It can’t possibly be my fault he had every chance in the world to tell me and he chose not to. I’m not to blame, I don’t need to feel guilty for not knowing because if he actually care about me and my feelings he would have told me. He didn’t want love, support, help, or anything because he was too busy stuffing his face full of pills. (Rabid Angry Dog)
2. How could I have not known?! My poor bear, my teddy bear all alone and feeling so empty that he needed to fill up with pills. He has been looking awful thin lately. How could I have let him do this? I’m supposed to take care of him, nurture him, and mend his wounds….. (the ‘50’s house wife in me…meh)
3. This is all my fault. Of course being with me caused him to fall into this deep dark hole. My god, I’m a terrible person. I let him fall, if not I pushed him. I pushed him deep down to where he might not get out. I shouldn’t be here. (The self-deprecator)
4. I can’t deal with this. My needs are way too important for his excuses. (The independent)
5. I love him. I want him. I miss him. I need him. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. (Little Miss Needy)
6. POOR BRONX! The baby, my favorite little one. He needs to be taken care of. I need to get back there and fix Peter and protect the little guy. (Wanna-be Mama)
I am way too many people on the inside to make any coherent decision. I can’t get everyone in my head to agree unanimously. I don’t know if I’ll be able to let go of what he did, but I don’t know if I can live without him.
“Am I more than you bargained for yet?”
( He asked me one month in, I didn't answer then.)
Yes, yes you are.