Status: a continual Work in progress
The Real Story
Without You I'm Just... Me
December 6th Noon (PST):
School officially ended for the semester this week. So much has happened without him. I lost my entire group of friends. I don’t have much of anyone on myside at home. I’m being forced to move out the day I get back due to an argument with my former roommate. On top of all of it I’m heartbroken. I miss him I don’t even know if at this point if he wants me back. I wonder how he’s doing.
I’m afraid this “cliché of a cliché” missed her chance to be with the only man in the entire world for her.
December 8th 4:00 am (EST):
He doesn’t know I’m coming. He doesn’t know I purchased the first ticket to LA I could find. He doesn’t know that I tried to track the weekends so Bronx doesn’t have to deal with this. (I don’t need his sweet little five year old demeanor to change if this ends tragically. He needs to be protected from what could happen.)
4:15- Boarding
4:45- departing
5:00- In-flight movie, The Notebook
6:00- Breakfast call
7:00- Turbulence, air sickness, anxiety attack
9:00- landing, more anxiety
9:30- customs, anxiety at an all-time high.
10:00- Taxi ride. Kill these demons disguised as butterflies, or me. (Either one will work)
“Where to miss?”
The Cab driver asked me.
“This address please.”
He just gave a weird look I didn’t understand. The drive took way too long. It made my stomach turn from butterflies to smothering them in heavy knots that crushed their wings. We finally arrived and my insides decayed in some sort of hyper fast science experiment gone horribly wrong. There was a for sale sign. There were movers. The cab drove off after I paid and I broke down and cried. He left, he’s gone, he’s not coming back. I sat on the curb trying to figure out how to deal with this. I certainly didn’t have enough money to go stay somewhere, yes which is a little presumptuous of me, and my ticket wasn’t even good to use until two weeks from now.
“Hey this is Pete, leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I can.”
I did the only thing I could think of. I didn’t expect him to change his voice mail. It doesn’t sound quite so bored anymore.
“Hey Petey…”
I tried to choke out through the rushing rapids blinding my eyes.
“I’m in LA at, I guess, your old house. I read your letter and I’m sorry for taking so long. I miss you. I came to LA just for you and I just really, really need to see you. Please call me back. Please? I love you.”
I thought about chucking my phone across the street. I figured I’d probably be in so much trouble if I did, so I tucked it into my bag instead.
December 8th 2:30 pm (PST):
After about 3 and ½ hours of roasting in the sun with a really awful sunburn to match, I was about to give up and go back to LAX to try to beg for an earlier flight home.
A car drove up and stopped in front of me for a while.
“Do you want a ride or do you want to turn into burnt toast?”
He came, he actually came to rescue me. He got out of the car and pulled me into him. We then got into his escape vehicle and were off.
“I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I am so sorry for everything. I’m just so sorry.”
“Why are you so sorry? I’m the one who screwed you up. I was the one who took all of the pills to feel normal and when that feeling faded I took it out on you, undeserving. I didn’t expect anything from you or from this, I just wanted to reach out in hope that I either win you back or at least give you closure in knowing this was all me being a piece of shit and you being a saint.”
“But I could have, and should have seen what was going on. I could and should have helped you overcome this.”
“Our breakup was exactly the kick I needed. I am so good at hiding, which is something I wish I couldn’t actually admit to. But us leaving the relationship was the exact thing I needed to take a step back and realize what I was throwing away. I needed it in the worst way. I unfortunately needed to push you as far away as I could. Again I didn’t expect you to come back to me, I had hoped you would, but I didn’t expect it. I thought after this long you were done, you’d moved on to some other guy or something.”
I didn’t know what to say. I could see he was hurt, happy, but a little hurt.
“So how did you plan this so I was childless for the next 2 weeks?”
“I tried tracking the agreement, I just didn’t want him to be subjected to us fighting, if that were to be what happened. It’s not fair for him to see that. I didn’t want him to have a skewed view of you.”
We drove to the nearest convenient store to try to mend my dry roasted skin and he took me home. I didn’t expect him to be so warm. I suppose I’m still stuck in my walking on eggshells mentality. We worked through 2 years’ worth, we talked, and we were intimate for the first time. We just were together and it was nice. We were two people who wanted to be there together for the first time since we met. It was so relieving. Hopefully this is the restart he was asking for.
School officially ended for the semester this week. So much has happened without him. I lost my entire group of friends. I don’t have much of anyone on myside at home. I’m being forced to move out the day I get back due to an argument with my former roommate. On top of all of it I’m heartbroken. I miss him I don’t even know if at this point if he wants me back. I wonder how he’s doing.
I’m afraid this “cliché of a cliché” missed her chance to be with the only man in the entire world for her.
December 8th 4:00 am (EST):
He doesn’t know I’m coming. He doesn’t know I purchased the first ticket to LA I could find. He doesn’t know that I tried to track the weekends so Bronx doesn’t have to deal with this. (I don’t need his sweet little five year old demeanor to change if this ends tragically. He needs to be protected from what could happen.)
4:15- Boarding
4:45- departing
5:00- In-flight movie, The Notebook
6:00- Breakfast call
7:00- Turbulence, air sickness, anxiety attack
9:00- landing, more anxiety
9:30- customs, anxiety at an all-time high.
10:00- Taxi ride. Kill these demons disguised as butterflies, or me. (Either one will work)
“Where to miss?”
The Cab driver asked me.
“This address please.”
He just gave a weird look I didn’t understand. The drive took way too long. It made my stomach turn from butterflies to smothering them in heavy knots that crushed their wings. We finally arrived and my insides decayed in some sort of hyper fast science experiment gone horribly wrong. There was a for sale sign. There were movers. The cab drove off after I paid and I broke down and cried. He left, he’s gone, he’s not coming back. I sat on the curb trying to figure out how to deal with this. I certainly didn’t have enough money to go stay somewhere, yes which is a little presumptuous of me, and my ticket wasn’t even good to use until two weeks from now.
“Hey this is Pete, leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I can.”
I did the only thing I could think of. I didn’t expect him to change his voice mail. It doesn’t sound quite so bored anymore.
“Hey Petey…”
I tried to choke out through the rushing rapids blinding my eyes.
“I’m in LA at, I guess, your old house. I read your letter and I’m sorry for taking so long. I miss you. I came to LA just for you and I just really, really need to see you. Please call me back. Please? I love you.”
I thought about chucking my phone across the street. I figured I’d probably be in so much trouble if I did, so I tucked it into my bag instead.
December 8th 2:30 pm (PST):
After about 3 and ½ hours of roasting in the sun with a really awful sunburn to match, I was about to give up and go back to LAX to try to beg for an earlier flight home.
A car drove up and stopped in front of me for a while.
“Do you want a ride or do you want to turn into burnt toast?”
He came, he actually came to rescue me. He got out of the car and pulled me into him. We then got into his escape vehicle and were off.
“I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I am so sorry for everything. I’m just so sorry.”
“Why are you so sorry? I’m the one who screwed you up. I was the one who took all of the pills to feel normal and when that feeling faded I took it out on you, undeserving. I didn’t expect anything from you or from this, I just wanted to reach out in hope that I either win you back or at least give you closure in knowing this was all me being a piece of shit and you being a saint.”
“But I could have, and should have seen what was going on. I could and should have helped you overcome this.”
“Our breakup was exactly the kick I needed. I am so good at hiding, which is something I wish I couldn’t actually admit to. But us leaving the relationship was the exact thing I needed to take a step back and realize what I was throwing away. I needed it in the worst way. I unfortunately needed to push you as far away as I could. Again I didn’t expect you to come back to me, I had hoped you would, but I didn’t expect it. I thought after this long you were done, you’d moved on to some other guy or something.”
I didn’t know what to say. I could see he was hurt, happy, but a little hurt.
“So how did you plan this so I was childless for the next 2 weeks?”
“I tried tracking the agreement, I just didn’t want him to be subjected to us fighting, if that were to be what happened. It’s not fair for him to see that. I didn’t want him to have a skewed view of you.”
We drove to the nearest convenient store to try to mend my dry roasted skin and he took me home. I didn’t expect him to be so warm. I suppose I’m still stuck in my walking on eggshells mentality. We worked through 2 years’ worth, we talked, and we were intimate for the first time. We just were together and it was nice. We were two people who wanted to be there together for the first time since we met. It was so relieving. Hopefully this is the restart he was asking for.