Status: a continual Work in progress
The Real Story
Things Will Never Change
July 3rd 3:00 am (EST)
I’ve never seen him like this, just so happy, almost giddier than a kid who had too much Ritalin in his system. He was beautiful, everything about him; his eyes, his smile, the way his hair sat on top of his head- curly from resting under his hood. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. What in the hell is going on? Well whatever it was, I’m kind of digging it and I kind of want to over dose on it.
All of it came to an end though when I thoughtlessly attempted to give him a quick peck, in hopes he’d kiss me back. Oh damn, was I wrong. So very, very wrong.
“What are you doing?!”
Awkwardly I pulled back and stared out the window pulling my hand from his. Complete and utter disappointment in myself. How could I be so careless and thoughtless? Of course he didn’t want me to kiss him. There is not a single way to hide that. Hand holding is easy enough to hide. How could I be so dumb and actually believe he was serious about fixing us?
Nope. We’ll always be a toxic relationship. He is and always will be my heroin. He’s the vice that I’ll never kick. The one I’d fail rehab for in a heartbeat. He is though, the vice that’ll do me in, in the end.
July 4th 12:00pm (PST)
Instead of celebrating the US’s Birthday with the family, I’m stuck here in a smelly bus that they spent way too much money for. They guys are hanging out on their game systems and he is ignoring me and pretending not to look at me for the stunt I pulled yesterday. I was supposed to photograph them in their natural state but he is making my job so incredibly difficult.
Everyone clears when we hit the tiny suburbia of Milwaukee.
“Hey, can we talk?”
“Why?”
Gotta love when his attitude is like this…
“You’re making my job difficult, and you haven’t said a word in twenty-four hours.”
I attempted to make a joke and he doesn’t respond the way I’d hope.
“So, I really don’t give a shit.”
“Come on. Five minutes of your time, is that really so much to ask? I’m not begging you to get your teeth pulled…”
My jokes suck 99.99999% of the time.
“Fine, what?”
“What is your problem with me? I thought you were happy I’m here. I thought things were going to change because if not, I’ll get on the next red-eye to Albany…”
“Grow the fuck up already! And stop giving me ultimatums. My god, you are such a needy little brat. Maybe I prefer not to make out in public.”
I just stared at him.
“Oh and by the way, you’re being so fucking paranoid.”
“You know what? You are an asshole. You lie, you’re mean, and you don’t give a single fuck about who you hurt, especially me. I’m fucking done! I’m sick of you acting like you’re 10. You can’t give the silent treatment to everyone because eventually you’ll have no one to give it to but yourself. You need to get over yourself. I can’t fucking believe that I gave you everything. I deserve so much better. No fucking wonder Ashlee left you, or Michelle, or any of the others. You don’t know how to love anyone but yourself. I hope you and “yourself” are happy because you’ll never end up with someone who meets your damn standards. Oh and I hope to your God that your son doesn’t pick up on your inability to treat women the way we deserve to be treated.”
I’ve never hated him more than I did during that rant, but, like said, he is my heroin. I did feel kind of bad that I blew up on him the way I did. It did kind of kill to see him go through about a million micro meltdowns within one single second. I walked away though. I let him marinate in his wrongs because I’m getting to be too old for him to keep pushing me downward without thinking that I’m going to push back.
I’ve never seen him like this, just so happy, almost giddier than a kid who had too much Ritalin in his system. He was beautiful, everything about him; his eyes, his smile, the way his hair sat on top of his head- curly from resting under his hood. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. What in the hell is going on? Well whatever it was, I’m kind of digging it and I kind of want to over dose on it.
All of it came to an end though when I thoughtlessly attempted to give him a quick peck, in hopes he’d kiss me back. Oh damn, was I wrong. So very, very wrong.
“What are you doing?!”
Awkwardly I pulled back and stared out the window pulling my hand from his. Complete and utter disappointment in myself. How could I be so careless and thoughtless? Of course he didn’t want me to kiss him. There is not a single way to hide that. Hand holding is easy enough to hide. How could I be so dumb and actually believe he was serious about fixing us?
Nope. We’ll always be a toxic relationship. He is and always will be my heroin. He’s the vice that I’ll never kick. The one I’d fail rehab for in a heartbeat. He is though, the vice that’ll do me in, in the end.
July 4th 12:00pm (PST)
Instead of celebrating the US’s Birthday with the family, I’m stuck here in a smelly bus that they spent way too much money for. They guys are hanging out on their game systems and he is ignoring me and pretending not to look at me for the stunt I pulled yesterday. I was supposed to photograph them in their natural state but he is making my job so incredibly difficult.
Everyone clears when we hit the tiny suburbia of Milwaukee.
“Hey, can we talk?”
“Why?”
Gotta love when his attitude is like this…
“You’re making my job difficult, and you haven’t said a word in twenty-four hours.”
I attempted to make a joke and he doesn’t respond the way I’d hope.
“So, I really don’t give a shit.”
“Come on. Five minutes of your time, is that really so much to ask? I’m not begging you to get your teeth pulled…”
My jokes suck 99.99999% of the time.
“Fine, what?”
“What is your problem with me? I thought you were happy I’m here. I thought things were going to change because if not, I’ll get on the next red-eye to Albany…”
“Grow the fuck up already! And stop giving me ultimatums. My god, you are such a needy little brat. Maybe I prefer not to make out in public.”
I just stared at him.
“Oh and by the way, you’re being so fucking paranoid.”
“You know what? You are an asshole. You lie, you’re mean, and you don’t give a single fuck about who you hurt, especially me. I’m fucking done! I’m sick of you acting like you’re 10. You can’t give the silent treatment to everyone because eventually you’ll have no one to give it to but yourself. You need to get over yourself. I can’t fucking believe that I gave you everything. I deserve so much better. No fucking wonder Ashlee left you, or Michelle, or any of the others. You don’t know how to love anyone but yourself. I hope you and “yourself” are happy because you’ll never end up with someone who meets your damn standards. Oh and I hope to your God that your son doesn’t pick up on your inability to treat women the way we deserve to be treated.”
I’ve never hated him more than I did during that rant, but, like said, he is my heroin. I did feel kind of bad that I blew up on him the way I did. It did kind of kill to see him go through about a million micro meltdowns within one single second. I walked away though. I let him marinate in his wrongs because I’m getting to be too old for him to keep pushing me downward without thinking that I’m going to push back.